It's 2:30 AM as I begin to write. Another night of screwed up sleep. This started about 2 weeks ago, and I haven't been able to fix it yet. Going to sleep really late, waking up with barely enough time to make it to class.
This past week has been beyond miserable. I don't know where to start. I think I'll work from the middle and branch out from there. A sweet, beautiful, fairie-like girl I knew from undergrad died this weekend in a car wreck. She was so vibrant, happy, fun, friendly... I LOVED her. I wept uncontrollably in an open field when I heard the news - I was heading home and her best friend (my 'plan b') called me sobbing. 'It's J - she's gone.' I remember desperately repeated "Nononononononono..." I didn't believe it. I thought she was kidding. A part of me realized this would NEVER be a joke in anyone's mind, but it was the first explanation my mind could come up with to rationalize why she would tell me such a horrible thing. (Confabulation, perhaps?) I pulled the car off the next exit, parked in an empty lot, hung up the phone... and cried. I caught a glimpse of myself in the car window - tears streaming down both cheeks, eyes red and swollen, lips quivering as I struggled to catch my breath.
I hate this. I have been to so many funerals for people who were way too young to die. It sucks. It hurts. The grief-stricken parents, the numb siblings, the numerous young people who were friends with the deceased holding each other as they cry - I've seen it too many times, and this one is harder than all the rest. She was incredible, absolutely a beautiful girl. My favorite memory of her was when I visited her at the coffee shop where she worked. She had her hair done up in a bandanna, and was wearing something simple yet attractive. All over her hands and clothes was brown coffee powder - she was throwing around large coffee sacks and not minding how dirty she was getting. Her face lit up when she saw me, and she came running to give me a big hug. It made me so happy, and I smelled of coffee for hours later.
I am so unwilling to give this one up. I usually make peace with these situations pretty quickly, even through the pain. Not this time. I question the motives of the Divine with this one, and am toying with the possibility of a celestial blunder. It just doesn't seem right.
Everything else I could possibly write about is meaningless in comparison right now, and I'm exhausted. So much more to come, so much schoolwork to do. I have been emotionally drained, on the verge of tears, and so tired since Sunday. I need someone to hold me, sleep with me, tell me it's going to be all right. But people don't do that. I do that. I have been so tempted to push the issue with PB or MPD lately, but it's hard once you're out to get straight guys back into the bed with you. Besides, Jay would most definitely be green with envy... Not that I'd tell him, but still. It would come up.
40 winks, then class. Will write more soon.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Playing Catch Up
Apologies for the sheer length of the last post... A bit tedious I'm sure.
JustThatGuy: Our friend posted today, so I'm expecting an entry from you in the coming hours, lol. I enjoyed reading your take on the sermon, and the paper. The next week's sermon was pretty much useless to me, although good, and then I skipped last week and the podcast isn't up, so I'm not sure how they finished things off. I have to say I really relate to the first pastor in his experience. While I don't think that homosexuality or heterosexuality is primarily a product of upbringing, I do have to agree there is a pretty solid pattern with homosexual men and their experiences growing up with a doting mother and an absent or abusive father. Does that mean that a young man with that experience with turn out gay? Nope. I have two dear, sweet friends who had horrible father figures and a rough upbringing, and they are straight as the day is long. (Although some people have QUESTIONED their sexuality, they are practicing heteros.)
I'm going to try to keep this short, and blog a little each day for the next few days. (Yeah right.) I have a lot to catch up on up.
Remember that all-male pageant I won last year? They had it this month, and I handed over the crown to a good friend of mine. Cute story behind that... He won the talent portion with a love/Valentine's Day song he wrote for this girl he's had a crush on for these 2 years we've been in medical school. Instant standing ovation. Anyway, my big African girl dancing buddy came up to me afterward and said, "What's different about you? You seem so calm, so at peace and settled in yourself." I pulled a picture of me and Jay out of my wallet. "This" I said "is what's different." It's amazing the difference that both of us have seen in the past few months that we've been 'together'. He knows he's different, and tells me so. As for me, it's odd being the level-headed one, the objective one who weighs things out and discourages typical promiscuous gay behavior. I like the change.
Over a week ago, I slipped and hit my head pretty hard on the ice. (I was running in the parking lot to get to school at 8 pm... Retarded, I know.) It was one of the weirdest sensations I've ever had, as the impact sent some kind of impulse down my spinal cord and into every nerve in my body. It was painful and fascinating at the same time, as I suddenly could feel and visualize my entire nervous system in tactile 3D. The body truly is an amazing machine. Anyway, I told Jay this, once the pain set in, and he almost had a breakdown. After a few seconds, he was quiet, and then he said, "I can't take this. I need to be there. I can't stand being this far away." He really wants one of us to move closer to the other. It's killing me, because my medical education is going to keep me in this area for a few more years, and his income in no way is going to allow him to make any kind of move in the near future. I think if I told him I couldn't move there he'd start planning on a date to move here. I'm not ready for that, I don't think. Maybe I am.
The day after, I was having a rough time--in pain, tired, and just kind of bummed. I passed JW as he went up the stairs to the second floor, and I said, "How are you doing?" He looked down at me from a set of stair up, and said, "Not great, actually, I could use a hug." I motioned him down the stairs and gave him a bear hug. It was nice, good for the both of us. I don't get hugs like I used to, I don't see people that much, and when I do, they're not usually the huggy type. I like having JW around, he's a good friend.
Ok, I'm tired, will explain why in the next few posts. For now, that will have to do.
JustThatGuy: Our friend posted today, so I'm expecting an entry from you in the coming hours, lol. I enjoyed reading your take on the sermon, and the paper. The next week's sermon was pretty much useless to me, although good, and then I skipped last week and the podcast isn't up, so I'm not sure how they finished things off. I have to say I really relate to the first pastor in his experience. While I don't think that homosexuality or heterosexuality is primarily a product of upbringing, I do have to agree there is a pretty solid pattern with homosexual men and their experiences growing up with a doting mother and an absent or abusive father. Does that mean that a young man with that experience with turn out gay? Nope. I have two dear, sweet friends who had horrible father figures and a rough upbringing, and they are straight as the day is long. (Although some people have QUESTIONED their sexuality, they are practicing heteros.)
I'm going to try to keep this short, and blog a little each day for the next few days. (Yeah right.) I have a lot to catch up on up.
Remember that all-male pageant I won last year? They had it this month, and I handed over the crown to a good friend of mine. Cute story behind that... He won the talent portion with a love/Valentine's Day song he wrote for this girl he's had a crush on for these 2 years we've been in medical school. Instant standing ovation. Anyway, my big African girl dancing buddy came up to me afterward and said, "What's different about you? You seem so calm, so at peace and settled in yourself." I pulled a picture of me and Jay out of my wallet. "This" I said "is what's different." It's amazing the difference that both of us have seen in the past few months that we've been 'together'. He knows he's different, and tells me so. As for me, it's odd being the level-headed one, the objective one who weighs things out and discourages typical promiscuous gay behavior. I like the change.
Over a week ago, I slipped and hit my head pretty hard on the ice. (I was running in the parking lot to get to school at 8 pm... Retarded, I know.) It was one of the weirdest sensations I've ever had, as the impact sent some kind of impulse down my spinal cord and into every nerve in my body. It was painful and fascinating at the same time, as I suddenly could feel and visualize my entire nervous system in tactile 3D. The body truly is an amazing machine. Anyway, I told Jay this, once the pain set in, and he almost had a breakdown. After a few seconds, he was quiet, and then he said, "I can't take this. I need to be there. I can't stand being this far away." He really wants one of us to move closer to the other. It's killing me, because my medical education is going to keep me in this area for a few more years, and his income in no way is going to allow him to make any kind of move in the near future. I think if I told him I couldn't move there he'd start planning on a date to move here. I'm not ready for that, I don't think. Maybe I am.
The day after, I was having a rough time--in pain, tired, and just kind of bummed. I passed JW as he went up the stairs to the second floor, and I said, "How are you doing?" He looked down at me from a set of stair up, and said, "Not great, actually, I could use a hug." I motioned him down the stairs and gave him a bear hug. It was nice, good for the both of us. I don't get hugs like I used to, I don't see people that much, and when I do, they're not usually the huggy type. I like having JW around, he's a good friend.
Ok, I'm tired, will explain why in the next few posts. For now, that will have to do.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Patron Tequila and Glitter
Ok, so maybe there was very little glitter involved in the previous week, but there was a LOT of tequila. My liver and pancreas are on medical leave until further notice. (In all actuality, I think I drank Jay under the table most days... until the Superbowl happened.)
Breaking it down:
-Alcohol: Most of Jay's good friends are bar-tenders, so I basically drank heavily every day I was in NOLA. I finally experienced full-out happy-go-lucky, bumping into everything, stumbling around giggling like a schoolgirl, everything is awesome SMASH DRUNK. I usually won't let myself get drunk, but I was feeling good that night.
-Animals: We went to the zoo, aquarium, and insectarium while I was there, and I loved it. My favorite was the insectarium, although aquariums always fascinate me (rays and jellies, baby). I am now determined to re-make my awesome bug collection that I had in undergrad and display it on the wall of my house (when I have one).
-Mardi Gras: The parades started when I got to town. The first was Krewe du Vieux. I saw a good number more, but that was the "adult," politically charged parade. I saw parents bringing their very young children out for that one. Poor choices. I say if you have money to travel to NOLA for vacation, you fucking have money to hire a babysitter. Geez. Anyhoo, Jay is pretty caught up the whole parade thing and talks about the 'good throws' (i.e. good items thrown by the crewes). I don't really get it, but whatever, it's New Orleans.
One of the other parades I saw was a second line for Buddy Diliberto. It was basically a bunch of sportscasters, college jocks, and older men dressed in drag marching in a parade for the late sportscaster who said if the Saints ever made it to the Superbowl, he would commentate in drag. Well, he didn't, because he died, but that parade... Too funny.
-Sex: We had it once. I was there for ten days. Obviously, this is a problem. One night, we were kind of drunk, and in bed, and he brought up the fact that he feels he doesn't please me sexually all the time. I had to admit that, yeah, I could stand to be fucked a little more often than once a month. He told me he'd try harder, but he just doesn't get horny every day like I do. It was another 3 days before he tried again... and went soft while inside of me. What followed was nothing short of heart-breaking. He went to the bathroom, threw away the condom (more on that in a second), climbed back into bed, curled up into my arms, and burst into sobs. I cannot even imagine the emotional pain he's in. He's just a little shy of 30, and already having ED-like symptoms. I told him I was still in love with him, he still did it for me, and I didn't think that sex was THAT big of a deal... even though it is, and we both know that.
The problem, folks, is this: he tells me he jerks of multiple times a day when I'm not there, and has a porn addiction. I asked him what he thinks about when he jerks off, and he said he thinks about me... me topping him, me fucking some other guy... I got real quiet. Neither of those things are happening. He can't bottom, and I'm not going to drag someone else into our already unstable relationship.
Drugs: By the end of the week, he had suggested 3 things: a third person in the bed, Viagra so he could keep it up, and poppers so he could bottom. No, no, and no. I think the only thing I'd be ok with is the Viagra. I am REALLY not into poppers. Is it wrong for me to want a man who desires ME sexually, and just me, and gets hard because of me without the help of a drug? I feel horrible thinking about it. However, it doesn't seem wrong to want a guy who loves having one-on-one, bareback, wild, passionate sex.
Sex Again: About the condom--he has this weird thing now where he a) won't let me rim him, b) won't rim, finger, or fuck me unless I've showered, washed, and/or done an enema, or he's hammered, (with the added stipulation that I can't even pass gas before he does anything down there) and c) wears a condom if he thinks I'm not clean enough. It's fucking weird. I understand the aversion, hell, I've blown him when he smells RAUNCHY and the ONE time I rimmed him he wasn't 100% smelling like a rose. I didn't care though. I loved it. He forcefully made me stop.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Basically my hand got me off every time while I was there, and he only went down on me if I asked him to. (He doesn't lack a gag reflex like I do...) I can do that while I'm at home. My hand is pretty good still, lemme tell you. He agreed to finger me twice so I could get off, but he passed on me returning the favor. I think he came a total of 3 times while I was there, maybe 4. True, we tried new stuff: he came in my mouth, I came on his face, I handcuffed and blindfolded him and had some fun with him. But it's still frustrating to be the one who expects some form of sex every day.
I told JW that it's basically the same relationship I have with PB: we hang out, we do fun stuff with friends, we play video games, we get hammered, we cuddle. The only difference is we make out and get each other off once in a while. If PB and I started jerking off together (and I could see it happening) it'd basically be the same thing. And while I love Jay and he truly is my best friend... He's supposed to be my lover, my man, my boyfriend. He calls me hubby. I can't say it back. It doesn't feel like it. I told him I sometimes doubt I turn him on at all, that I'm not sexually appealing to him.
It's a problem. And I don't know what to do about it.
-Jealousy: As I've written about before, Jay is VERY jealous (and yet he fantasizes about me screwing another guy... weird). It plays out in a lot of ways. I met his bar-tender friend, SS. SS is 27, but looks and acts 18. He's cute, has a little bit of the gay voice (not the lisp, but the affectation), and is a bit simple-minded. His boyfriend/husband is in his 30's, and is long-distance, so after one conversation, we had a lot in common, and hit it off really well. I made the stupid mistake of letting Jay see how much I liked him. SS invited us to a potluck the next day, and Jay found about 20 reasons not to go. I was so mad. I knew he totally wanted to go, but didn't want me hanging out with SS. Well, Jay worked a few days while I was there, and I spent most of those times with SS. The one time I went out bowling with him and his classmates. He spent a good portion of the time with me, bowling in the lane with me and another guy. It was fun, and we had good talks, and I told him about Jay being jealous of him. He understood, and told me my relationship with Jay was a lot like his with his bf, except SS is the jealous one and is also ready for marriage. Whatever. Well, we met Jay at the bar after he got off work, and I had a lot on my mind. Jay could tell I was moody and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no. I couldn't even look at him really, and just kept quiet through everything he was saying. At one point, he leaned over and said quietly in my ear, "You know how jealous I was of you tonight?" I almost started crying. I can't take that. I'm not doing ANYTHING wrong. I'm young, horny, and moderately attractive, and had several guys telling me I'm cute and trying to get into a threesome with Jay and I. (There were SEVERAL of those guys, not all of them unattractive!) He doesn't engage in sex with me very often at all. Yet I somehow stay faithful to him, and pour my time, money, and attention into him. And then he's JEALOUS when I hang out with his good-looking friend who I hit it off with and am making friends with?!
Something. Has. Got. To. Give.
DD called 5 times while I was there. I'm ok with Jay being upset/jealous about that. I didn't answer once. I texted him that Jay wouldn't like him calling me. He still kept calling. Retard.
I met FT again. He's still handsome, funny, and a total man-whore. He didn't put off any gay vibe at all, but then again, we were in a restaurant with his hag. I swear she must know about him being bi-curious, but I doubt it's anything he engages in on a frequent basis. I think Jay would go NUTS if he knew I was actively pursuing a friendship with him and his hag. It sucks that I have to choose what I can and can't tell him so as to avoid his jealousy flaring up.
I talked to the boy for the first time in months on-line last night for two hours. It was nice having a friend who, unlike JW, can relate. (JW is great for telling me to get over it/just do it/stop whining. The boy listens and understands from the perspective of a bi/vers man.) In retrospect, that, more than anything else, would make Jay rage with jealousy. In my mind, though, he tells me about going out for drinks with his EXES (plural), and talking to them, and helping them through their problems, and I don't get jealous or tell him I don't like it. I don't see it as a big deal to catch up with the boy for a little while. I know, however, that Jay would have a fit. It's not fair, and it's a double standard.
-Exhibitionism: Ok, remember how Jay doesn't get hard or horny in the bedroom much? And how he fantasizes about a third? And how when he was here he was telling me he was taking me to the sex clubs and bath house and gay country club to fuck me while people watched? Well... I think it might be his thing, and that's not my thing. I told him no WAY we were going to those places. (I mean, we're boring anyway, I doubt we actually WOULD have done it if I had said yes.) Some things disturbed me, tho: a LOT of people told me they've seen the pictures of my ass that Jay took when he was here and slapped them (hard), leaving red hand-prints on them. I wonder if some of them have seen the other pictures I sent. He attempted several times to get me to show his friends my cock, and tried to pull my pants and underwear down twice in the bar. (Most of this was while he was drunk, which is when he gets horny...) During the Superbowl, he tried to get me to go out on the balcony to suck me off. I was mortified. He also started giving me a hand-job under the bar, which was actually pretty cool with me, but again... Why does he wait until we're in public to get turned on? Come to think of it, it's only a) when he's drunk or b) when other people are around that he's all over me. (He got hammered one of the first nights we were there, and he literally TORE my boxers and gave me an awesome blow job/fuck. But that was it for the whole trip.) I'm kind of worried about how much he gets sexually active when we're around other people. If I were someone else, I would fucking love it. But I'm me, and I have to be true to me, and I don't like it. Not yet. Not when I'm still counting how many times I've had sex behind closed doors on two hands.
-Threesomes: Besides friends who wanted to get double-teamed (stupid bottom twinks) there were two guys who were interested in getting a piece of us, or that Jay wanted to invite into the bedroom: one was this guy he met last week who has the hots for Jay, the other is one of Jay's managers. The former is unattractive and boring, but thinks he deserves better than the cute guy that liked him at the bar, and wanted to get my bf in the sack. The latter was one of those great straight guys who is totally comfortable around the gays, and he and I had a GREAT talk about his many wild fucks with nymphomatic females. The bi guy in me got pretty worked up, lemme tell you. Jay told me he imagines this guy in really good in bed, and I had to agree, and Jay said he wouldn't mind sex with him and me... (Now mind you, this guy isn't really in GREAT shape, and isn't the BEST looker, but he's ok looking, and he's fun, so it all cancels out.) The former would have definitely joined in; the latter would have laughed us off. Either way, totally not ready to conquer a threesome. I think that's one of those thing I would have to do drunk and while I'm single, not when I'm in a relationship with one of the guys.
-Money: Ok, so, let's get real here. I'm living on loans. But they're BIG loans, due to special circumstances that give me the ability to have more financial flexibility than my classmates. Jay knows this. Jay has no bank account. He deals with tips, and just carries the cash around. Therefore, I am left taking care of almost all expenses while we're together. I think this trip was close to 3 or 4 grand all told. That's fucking expensive. What got to me was this: Jay would sometimes tell me Hey, buy this, or Hey, go get that, or Hey, tip this waiter a lot more than you were planning. I kept quiet about it, but it started to bug me. I mean, yeah, I have a lot of money, or at least I HAD a lot of money. But it got to the point where I realized he was being wasteful, especially tipping and buying drinks. On Superbowl night, for instance, he chugged two of MY drinks (when he had a full cup of liquor in front of him) just to be funny. I was so frustrated; I had to wait until the bartender wasn't busy AGAIN and order the drink AGAIN and spend that much more money AGAIN and then Jay would insist the tip be that much MORE. It's not his money. We don't have a joint bank account. I don't ask him for ANYTHING. Not for his plane tickets, hotel rooms, dinner, drinks, NOTHING. Is it wrong that I don't think he should have that much control on what I spend? I think not.
-Warm Fuzzies: Ok, so I bitched a lot. But honestly, I was happy to be with Jay. When all that mess isn't getting in the way, we're really fun to be around. We love each other. We stay wrapped in each others' arms and make out a good bit. We play video games together. We walk around town and sing together and share stories and are actually INTERESTED in what the other one has to say. Basically, we're really good friends (who make out) who love each other deeply. As lovers, though, we're struggling. Bad. I sometimes would lie in his arms and wish it would never end. I need that kind of intimacy, and I rarely get it.
-Gossip: People are spreading a rumor about SW that he has told someone he is bi, and has invited another guy into a threesome with him and FT's hag, who he fucks on occasion. I have been adamantly crusading against this rumor, based primarily on the fact that he did not have sex with FT when he wanted it, and also did not have sex with the gays and strippers and porn stars and models in Cali when he went out there for his photo-shoot. (Oh, and the fact that he pounds pussy like a blacksmith pounds iron.) However, the rumors are getting more and more prevalent, and I told him today that if I find out that I've been defending a lie, I am going to punch him in the cunt. We'll see how this turns out.
-Undercover Straights: Ok, this was kind of funny. One of the bar-tenders struck me as someone who could have passed for a really, really uber-straight college guy if not for the lisp. I teased him and his bf the whole trip that he was actually straight and was just acting gay to get pussy. Everyone laughed at that, and he thought it was funny. I was kind of serious the first time I said it. He honestly seemed straight, and multiple times during the week he did things that were patently un-gay. I told SW he should come with me next time posing as gay to get a hot chick to sleep with him. Totally could work.
-Irony: Karaoke night rolled around, and Jay sang a FANTASTIC song from a musical. (He actually has a great voice, and when he hit the high note at the end of the song I got teary-eyed.) I attempted to find something to sing, but was struck by the fact that anything I would sing in a straight bar to get a laugh was actually standard fare at a gay bar. I texted SW and told him "I can't sing Celine or Britney, they take that shit serious here." I told Jay that it wasn't humorous to sing that kind of music at the bar, and he said, without seeing my text, "No, they take that shit seriously here." I about bust a gut laughing.
-Da Supabowl: Um, so, that was an awesome night. The city was unbelievable. Gay men cried for joy when the final countdown finished. The bar went nuts. The streets went nuts. The city went berserk. I don't think I even understand just how much this win means to that city. Sure, it's just football. But, dammit, it's the Superbowl, and it's some GOOD news about NOLA. They need it. (Jay was cut off from the bar... He was a little happy!)
Bourbon within 15 minutes of the win:
-Rock and Roll: (See the theme? Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, Rock and Roll? Ha.) Ok, so it's not really rock and roll, it's gay bar music.
First, the most beautiful performance I've seen in years. Jay and I were at the Pub when we saw this, and we both were moved to... well, almost tears.
And then there is all this stuff. Yes, this is actually what they played at the gay bars. Yes, I wrote it down.
Note: Besides typical artists who are popular with gays like Cher, Sean Ensign, etc, there is now a few artists that actually used to work in porn. It's worse than Joaquin Phoenix doing what shit he does. Colton Ford, while a hot daddy, sucks as a musical venture.
I'm not even going to bother with Georgie Porgie or whatever his name was.
The one person from porn I'd like to see do music, or at least the rest of the song: Francois Sagat.
Still one of my favorite youtube vids of all time.
EDIT: Forgot this one: The Tim Tebow ad came on during the Superbowl... and the gay bar BOOED. I'm not sure if it's because it was Tebow, or Focus on the Family, or what... but I wasn't impressed by the booing. I like Tebow, I grew up with Focus on the Family, and I'm pretty strongly pro-life. Why the hell would gays care anyway? (Boy: Sometimes I think you look like Tebow. Has anyone ever said that? You should use him as your Doppelganger on FB.)
EDIT EDIT: I met BrettCajun for all of 10 seconds. It was a bad night for Jay. We had to go, but I happened to finally spot him at the Pub, and said hello. He's short, looks just like his pictures, and sounds like you think he would. Nice guy. Feel kinda bad about not meeting up with him again, but I don't even know if he was in the city after that. It was fun though, meeting someone I've only known about through blogging on the interwebs...
Breaking it down:
-Alcohol: Most of Jay's good friends are bar-tenders, so I basically drank heavily every day I was in NOLA. I finally experienced full-out happy-go-lucky, bumping into everything, stumbling around giggling like a schoolgirl, everything is awesome SMASH DRUNK. I usually won't let myself get drunk, but I was feeling good that night.
-Animals: We went to the zoo, aquarium, and insectarium while I was there, and I loved it. My favorite was the insectarium, although aquariums always fascinate me (rays and jellies, baby). I am now determined to re-make my awesome bug collection that I had in undergrad and display it on the wall of my house (when I have one).
-Mardi Gras: The parades started when I got to town. The first was Krewe du Vieux. I saw a good number more, but that was the "adult," politically charged parade. I saw parents bringing their very young children out for that one. Poor choices. I say if you have money to travel to NOLA for vacation, you fucking have money to hire a babysitter. Geez. Anyhoo, Jay is pretty caught up the whole parade thing and talks about the 'good throws' (i.e. good items thrown by the crewes). I don't really get it, but whatever, it's New Orleans.
One of the other parades I saw was a second line for Buddy Diliberto. It was basically a bunch of sportscasters, college jocks, and older men dressed in drag marching in a parade for the late sportscaster who said if the Saints ever made it to the Superbowl, he would commentate in drag. Well, he didn't, because he died, but that parade... Too funny.
-Sex: We had it once. I was there for ten days. Obviously, this is a problem. One night, we were kind of drunk, and in bed, and he brought up the fact that he feels he doesn't please me sexually all the time. I had to admit that, yeah, I could stand to be fucked a little more often than once a month. He told me he'd try harder, but he just doesn't get horny every day like I do. It was another 3 days before he tried again... and went soft while inside of me. What followed was nothing short of heart-breaking. He went to the bathroom, threw away the condom (more on that in a second), climbed back into bed, curled up into my arms, and burst into sobs. I cannot even imagine the emotional pain he's in. He's just a little shy of 30, and already having ED-like symptoms. I told him I was still in love with him, he still did it for me, and I didn't think that sex was THAT big of a deal... even though it is, and we both know that.
The problem, folks, is this: he tells me he jerks of multiple times a day when I'm not there, and has a porn addiction. I asked him what he thinks about when he jerks off, and he said he thinks about me... me topping him, me fucking some other guy... I got real quiet. Neither of those things are happening. He can't bottom, and I'm not going to drag someone else into our already unstable relationship.
Drugs: By the end of the week, he had suggested 3 things: a third person in the bed, Viagra so he could keep it up, and poppers so he could bottom. No, no, and no. I think the only thing I'd be ok with is the Viagra. I am REALLY not into poppers. Is it wrong for me to want a man who desires ME sexually, and just me, and gets hard because of me without the help of a drug? I feel horrible thinking about it. However, it doesn't seem wrong to want a guy who loves having one-on-one, bareback, wild, passionate sex.
Sex Again: About the condom--he has this weird thing now where he a) won't let me rim him, b) won't rim, finger, or fuck me unless I've showered, washed, and/or done an enema, or he's hammered, (with the added stipulation that I can't even pass gas before he does anything down there) and c) wears a condom if he thinks I'm not clean enough. It's fucking weird. I understand the aversion, hell, I've blown him when he smells RAUNCHY and the ONE time I rimmed him he wasn't 100% smelling like a rose. I didn't care though. I loved it. He forcefully made me stop.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Basically my hand got me off every time while I was there, and he only went down on me if I asked him to. (He doesn't lack a gag reflex like I do...) I can do that while I'm at home. My hand is pretty good still, lemme tell you. He agreed to finger me twice so I could get off, but he passed on me returning the favor. I think he came a total of 3 times while I was there, maybe 4. True, we tried new stuff: he came in my mouth, I came on his face, I handcuffed and blindfolded him and had some fun with him. But it's still frustrating to be the one who expects some form of sex every day.
I told JW that it's basically the same relationship I have with PB: we hang out, we do fun stuff with friends, we play video games, we get hammered, we cuddle. The only difference is we make out and get each other off once in a while. If PB and I started jerking off together (and I could see it happening) it'd basically be the same thing. And while I love Jay and he truly is my best friend... He's supposed to be my lover, my man, my boyfriend. He calls me hubby. I can't say it back. It doesn't feel like it. I told him I sometimes doubt I turn him on at all, that I'm not sexually appealing to him.
It's a problem. And I don't know what to do about it.
-Jealousy: As I've written about before, Jay is VERY jealous (and yet he fantasizes about me screwing another guy... weird). It plays out in a lot of ways. I met his bar-tender friend, SS. SS is 27, but looks and acts 18. He's cute, has a little bit of the gay voice (not the lisp, but the affectation), and is a bit simple-minded. His boyfriend/husband is in his 30's, and is long-distance, so after one conversation, we had a lot in common, and hit it off really well. I made the stupid mistake of letting Jay see how much I liked him. SS invited us to a potluck the next day, and Jay found about 20 reasons not to go. I was so mad. I knew he totally wanted to go, but didn't want me hanging out with SS. Well, Jay worked a few days while I was there, and I spent most of those times with SS. The one time I went out bowling with him and his classmates. He spent a good portion of the time with me, bowling in the lane with me and another guy. It was fun, and we had good talks, and I told him about Jay being jealous of him. He understood, and told me my relationship with Jay was a lot like his with his bf, except SS is the jealous one and is also ready for marriage. Whatever. Well, we met Jay at the bar after he got off work, and I had a lot on my mind. Jay could tell I was moody and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no. I couldn't even look at him really, and just kept quiet through everything he was saying. At one point, he leaned over and said quietly in my ear, "You know how jealous I was of you tonight?" I almost started crying. I can't take that. I'm not doing ANYTHING wrong. I'm young, horny, and moderately attractive, and had several guys telling me I'm cute and trying to get into a threesome with Jay and I. (There were SEVERAL of those guys, not all of them unattractive!) He doesn't engage in sex with me very often at all. Yet I somehow stay faithful to him, and pour my time, money, and attention into him. And then he's JEALOUS when I hang out with his good-looking friend who I hit it off with and am making friends with?!
Something. Has. Got. To. Give.
DD called 5 times while I was there. I'm ok with Jay being upset/jealous about that. I didn't answer once. I texted him that Jay wouldn't like him calling me. He still kept calling. Retard.
I met FT again. He's still handsome, funny, and a total man-whore. He didn't put off any gay vibe at all, but then again, we were in a restaurant with his hag. I swear she must know about him being bi-curious, but I doubt it's anything he engages in on a frequent basis. I think Jay would go NUTS if he knew I was actively pursuing a friendship with him and his hag. It sucks that I have to choose what I can and can't tell him so as to avoid his jealousy flaring up.
I talked to the boy for the first time in months on-line last night for two hours. It was nice having a friend who, unlike JW, can relate. (JW is great for telling me to get over it/just do it/stop whining. The boy listens and understands from the perspective of a bi/vers man.) In retrospect, that, more than anything else, would make Jay rage with jealousy. In my mind, though, he tells me about going out for drinks with his EXES (plural), and talking to them, and helping them through their problems, and I don't get jealous or tell him I don't like it. I don't see it as a big deal to catch up with the boy for a little while. I know, however, that Jay would have a fit. It's not fair, and it's a double standard.
-Exhibitionism: Ok, remember how Jay doesn't get hard or horny in the bedroom much? And how he fantasizes about a third? And how when he was here he was telling me he was taking me to the sex clubs and bath house and gay country club to fuck me while people watched? Well... I think it might be his thing, and that's not my thing. I told him no WAY we were going to those places. (I mean, we're boring anyway, I doubt we actually WOULD have done it if I had said yes.) Some things disturbed me, tho: a LOT of people told me they've seen the pictures of my ass that Jay took when he was here and slapped them (hard), leaving red hand-prints on them. I wonder if some of them have seen the other pictures I sent. He attempted several times to get me to show his friends my cock, and tried to pull my pants and underwear down twice in the bar. (Most of this was while he was drunk, which is when he gets horny...) During the Superbowl, he tried to get me to go out on the balcony to suck me off. I was mortified. He also started giving me a hand-job under the bar, which was actually pretty cool with me, but again... Why does he wait until we're in public to get turned on? Come to think of it, it's only a) when he's drunk or b) when other people are around that he's all over me. (He got hammered one of the first nights we were there, and he literally TORE my boxers and gave me an awesome blow job/fuck. But that was it for the whole trip.) I'm kind of worried about how much he gets sexually active when we're around other people. If I were someone else, I would fucking love it. But I'm me, and I have to be true to me, and I don't like it. Not yet. Not when I'm still counting how many times I've had sex behind closed doors on two hands.
-Threesomes: Besides friends who wanted to get double-teamed (stupid bottom twinks) there were two guys who were interested in getting a piece of us, or that Jay wanted to invite into the bedroom: one was this guy he met last week who has the hots for Jay, the other is one of Jay's managers. The former is unattractive and boring, but thinks he deserves better than the cute guy that liked him at the bar, and wanted to get my bf in the sack. The latter was one of those great straight guys who is totally comfortable around the gays, and he and I had a GREAT talk about his many wild fucks with nymphomatic females. The bi guy in me got pretty worked up, lemme tell you. Jay told me he imagines this guy in really good in bed, and I had to agree, and Jay said he wouldn't mind sex with him and me... (Now mind you, this guy isn't really in GREAT shape, and isn't the BEST looker, but he's ok looking, and he's fun, so it all cancels out.) The former would have definitely joined in; the latter would have laughed us off. Either way, totally not ready to conquer a threesome. I think that's one of those thing I would have to do drunk and while I'm single, not when I'm in a relationship with one of the guys.
-Money: Ok, so, let's get real here. I'm living on loans. But they're BIG loans, due to special circumstances that give me the ability to have more financial flexibility than my classmates. Jay knows this. Jay has no bank account. He deals with tips, and just carries the cash around. Therefore, I am left taking care of almost all expenses while we're together. I think this trip was close to 3 or 4 grand all told. That's fucking expensive. What got to me was this: Jay would sometimes tell me Hey, buy this, or Hey, go get that, or Hey, tip this waiter a lot more than you were planning. I kept quiet about it, but it started to bug me. I mean, yeah, I have a lot of money, or at least I HAD a lot of money. But it got to the point where I realized he was being wasteful, especially tipping and buying drinks. On Superbowl night, for instance, he chugged two of MY drinks (when he had a full cup of liquor in front of him) just to be funny. I was so frustrated; I had to wait until the bartender wasn't busy AGAIN and order the drink AGAIN and spend that much more money AGAIN and then Jay would insist the tip be that much MORE. It's not his money. We don't have a joint bank account. I don't ask him for ANYTHING. Not for his plane tickets, hotel rooms, dinner, drinks, NOTHING. Is it wrong that I don't think he should have that much control on what I spend? I think not.
-Warm Fuzzies: Ok, so I bitched a lot. But honestly, I was happy to be with Jay. When all that mess isn't getting in the way, we're really fun to be around. We love each other. We stay wrapped in each others' arms and make out a good bit. We play video games together. We walk around town and sing together and share stories and are actually INTERESTED in what the other one has to say. Basically, we're really good friends (who make out) who love each other deeply. As lovers, though, we're struggling. Bad. I sometimes would lie in his arms and wish it would never end. I need that kind of intimacy, and I rarely get it.
-Gossip: People are spreading a rumor about SW that he has told someone he is bi, and has invited another guy into a threesome with him and FT's hag, who he fucks on occasion. I have been adamantly crusading against this rumor, based primarily on the fact that he did not have sex with FT when he wanted it, and also did not have sex with the gays and strippers and porn stars and models in Cali when he went out there for his photo-shoot. (Oh, and the fact that he pounds pussy like a blacksmith pounds iron.) However, the rumors are getting more and more prevalent, and I told him today that if I find out that I've been defending a lie, I am going to punch him in the cunt. We'll see how this turns out.
-Undercover Straights: Ok, this was kind of funny. One of the bar-tenders struck me as someone who could have passed for a really, really uber-straight college guy if not for the lisp. I teased him and his bf the whole trip that he was actually straight and was just acting gay to get pussy. Everyone laughed at that, and he thought it was funny. I was kind of serious the first time I said it. He honestly seemed straight, and multiple times during the week he did things that were patently un-gay. I told SW he should come with me next time posing as gay to get a hot chick to sleep with him. Totally could work.
-Irony: Karaoke night rolled around, and Jay sang a FANTASTIC song from a musical. (He actually has a great voice, and when he hit the high note at the end of the song I got teary-eyed.) I attempted to find something to sing, but was struck by the fact that anything I would sing in a straight bar to get a laugh was actually standard fare at a gay bar. I texted SW and told him "I can't sing Celine or Britney, they take that shit serious here." I told Jay that it wasn't humorous to sing that kind of music at the bar, and he said, without seeing my text, "No, they take that shit seriously here." I about bust a gut laughing.
-Da Supabowl: Um, so, that was an awesome night. The city was unbelievable. Gay men cried for joy when the final countdown finished. The bar went nuts. The streets went nuts. The city went berserk. I don't think I even understand just how much this win means to that city. Sure, it's just football. But, dammit, it's the Superbowl, and it's some GOOD news about NOLA. They need it. (Jay was cut off from the bar... He was a little happy!)
Bourbon within 15 minutes of the win:
-Rock and Roll: (See the theme? Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, Rock and Roll? Ha.) Ok, so it's not really rock and roll, it's gay bar music.
First, the most beautiful performance I've seen in years. Jay and I were at the Pub when we saw this, and we both were moved to... well, almost tears.
And then there is all this stuff. Yes, this is actually what they played at the gay bars. Yes, I wrote it down.
Note: Besides typical artists who are popular with gays like Cher, Sean Ensign, etc, there is now a few artists that actually used to work in porn. It's worse than Joaquin Phoenix doing what shit he does. Colton Ford, while a hot daddy, sucks as a musical venture.
I'm not even going to bother with Georgie Porgie or whatever his name was.
The one person from porn I'd like to see do music, or at least the rest of the song: Francois Sagat.
Still one of my favorite youtube vids of all time.
EDIT: Forgot this one: The Tim Tebow ad came on during the Superbowl... and the gay bar BOOED. I'm not sure if it's because it was Tebow, or Focus on the Family, or what... but I wasn't impressed by the booing. I like Tebow, I grew up with Focus on the Family, and I'm pretty strongly pro-life. Why the hell would gays care anyway? (Boy: Sometimes I think you look like Tebow. Has anyone ever said that? You should use him as your Doppelganger on FB.)
EDIT EDIT: I met BrettCajun for all of 10 seconds. It was a bad night for Jay. We had to go, but I happened to finally spot him at the Pub, and said hello. He's short, looks just like his pictures, and sounds like you think he would. Nice guy. Feel kinda bad about not meeting up with him again, but I don't even know if he was in the city after that. It was fun though, meeting someone I've only known about through blogging on the interwebs...
Monday, February 8, 2010
Who-Effing-Dat?
If you live under a rock, you might not know, but the SAINTS won the Superbowl last night! Not only was this their FIRST Superbowl appearance, but, as mentioned, they WON. I watched the whole thing in a wonderful bar in the gay district of NOLA, and then was dragged (somewhat unwillingly) into Oz, upstairs and onto the balcony to witness the jubilation that was Bourbon Street. (Pictures to come.) As Jay said repeatedly for weeks, this city needed a win. They needed something to party about again. Sure, Bourbon Street is still the epicenter of revelry and debauchery... but man, if you saw the aerial images of New Orleans last night, you KNOW the whole city was flooding the streets and shouting "Who Dat?!" in joy and drunken elation.
As a side note, I bought jerseys for Jay and myself, which cost me my first child, which is alright, because I'm sort of gay. It was the first time I've ever bought a jersey. Most likely the last.
I am in the airport in NOLA, getting ready for boarding. Hopefully they have a seat for me on this plane... I would like to be home tonight, please.
Much, much, much more later.
As a side note, I bought jerseys for Jay and myself, which cost me my first child, which is alright, because I'm sort of gay. It was the first time I've ever bought a jersey. Most likely the last.
I am in the airport in NOLA, getting ready for boarding. Hopefully they have a seat for me on this plane... I would like to be home tonight, please.
Much, much, much more later.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
shorthand
-tests are going better than usual. i think. might have made a 100 on a quiz this morning. yay.
-people have been putting all kinds of sexual comments on my fb wall lately... all of them with gay references. oh geez.
-jay and i called each other 11 times yesterday. not a record, but still a lot. he still is killing the sexual aura, but everything else is going smoothly, and i really love this guy.
-introduced PB to JP, who went on the trip, and JP knew PB's ex, and it was funny, and they hit it off, and then i drove JP home b/c we had been drinking, and we had pancakes the next morning when i picked him up to get his car, and we talked for a long time, and i can tell we're gonna be friends. he's a softie. and hot. and young. and tans. and wrestles. and has washboard abs. and is really nice. and funny.
-i'm going to be about 2 hours away from here for some of my rotations next year. things are looking good, though, b/c i can still live w PB while i rotate through here. yay.
-my trainer was in a FOUL mood today when i got in, and i was worried he'd take it out on me... but halfway through the workout, he looked at me and said, "you'll notice i'm in a much better mood now that you're here. anyone ever tell you that you have a way of brightening things?" i had to smile at that one. i go there with the goal of making him smile and laugh. he's extremely serious and goal-oriented, and it's nice to see his broad smile once in a while. (he also told me i'm looking slim... 200+ sit-ups a day and dieting are starting to work!)
-jay mentioned getting engaged again today, offhandedly, in a convo involving another gay couple getting engaged, and i shit a brick. almost threw up on the spot. not even close to ready for that.
-2 topics: barebacking and top/bottom.
barebacking: the boy and i didn't wear anything when we messed around. jay wore a condom the first time we had sex. he hasn't since we both got tested. i'm totally down with going bareback IF you are in a relationship. however, there are a lot of guys who get off on barebacking complete strangers, and i have to say, as someone in the healthcare profession THIS IS FUCKING RETARDED. i totally understand, don't get me wrong, it is kinda hot to think about, but this "barebacking coalition" thing going on is a bit much. no wonder there are such GREAT stereotypes about us gay men. it's because they're true.
top/bottom: i used to think it wasn't a huge fucking deal, mostly because i feel i can enjoy both equally. i have almost exclusively bottomed thus far, and that's fine with me. if given the chance, though, you'd better believe i'm going to top! it was a huge rush trying it with jay. loved it, loved it, loved it. (i am still counting on 2 hands the number of times i've even had a dick in me and my dick in someone else, so pretty much all sex is good sex to me right now.) apparently, though, it IS a HUGE deal to a lot of guys out there, and not only that, but there are still some guys who assume that you can stereotype both tops and bottoms. not always the case. basically what i'm saying is that it SHOULDN'T be such a huge deal, and you SHOULDN'T try to stereotype someone as one or the other based on body type/personality/etc. if it means that much to you, cool, let everyone know so you don't mistakenly end up with someone just like you. however, i think ALL gays should be vers, it would help out with their insecurity issues. besides it's just plain fun that way. (i asked the one guy to top me last summer over text, and he was a total girl about it. he didn't want to top OR bottom. he had issues.)
i've had caffeine, can you tell? going to study, 3 exams left!
-people have been putting all kinds of sexual comments on my fb wall lately... all of them with gay references. oh geez.
-jay and i called each other 11 times yesterday. not a record, but still a lot. he still is killing the sexual aura, but everything else is going smoothly, and i really love this guy.
-introduced PB to JP, who went on the trip, and JP knew PB's ex, and it was funny, and they hit it off, and then i drove JP home b/c we had been drinking, and we had pancakes the next morning when i picked him up to get his car, and we talked for a long time, and i can tell we're gonna be friends. he's a softie. and hot. and young. and tans. and wrestles. and has washboard abs. and is really nice. and funny.
-i'm going to be about 2 hours away from here for some of my rotations next year. things are looking good, though, b/c i can still live w PB while i rotate through here. yay.
-my trainer was in a FOUL mood today when i got in, and i was worried he'd take it out on me... but halfway through the workout, he looked at me and said, "you'll notice i'm in a much better mood now that you're here. anyone ever tell you that you have a way of brightening things?" i had to smile at that one. i go there with the goal of making him smile and laugh. he's extremely serious and goal-oriented, and it's nice to see his broad smile once in a while. (he also told me i'm looking slim... 200+ sit-ups a day and dieting are starting to work!)
-jay mentioned getting engaged again today, offhandedly, in a convo involving another gay couple getting engaged, and i shit a brick. almost threw up on the spot. not even close to ready for that.
-2 topics: barebacking and top/bottom.
barebacking: the boy and i didn't wear anything when we messed around. jay wore a condom the first time we had sex. he hasn't since we both got tested. i'm totally down with going bareback IF you are in a relationship. however, there are a lot of guys who get off on barebacking complete strangers, and i have to say, as someone in the healthcare profession THIS IS FUCKING RETARDED. i totally understand, don't get me wrong, it is kinda hot to think about, but this "barebacking coalition" thing going on is a bit much. no wonder there are such GREAT stereotypes about us gay men. it's because they're true.
top/bottom: i used to think it wasn't a huge fucking deal, mostly because i feel i can enjoy both equally. i have almost exclusively bottomed thus far, and that's fine with me. if given the chance, though, you'd better believe i'm going to top! it was a huge rush trying it with jay. loved it, loved it, loved it. (i am still counting on 2 hands the number of times i've even had a dick in me and my dick in someone else, so pretty much all sex is good sex to me right now.) apparently, though, it IS a HUGE deal to a lot of guys out there, and not only that, but there are still some guys who assume that you can stereotype both tops and bottoms. not always the case. basically what i'm saying is that it SHOULDN'T be such a huge deal, and you SHOULDN'T try to stereotype someone as one or the other based on body type/personality/etc. if it means that much to you, cool, let everyone know so you don't mistakenly end up with someone just like you. however, i think ALL gays should be vers, it would help out with their insecurity issues. besides it's just plain fun that way. (i asked the one guy to top me last summer over text, and he was a total girl about it. he didn't want to top OR bottom. he had issues.)
i've had caffeine, can you tell? going to study, 3 exams left!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Side Dish
I ate lunch at JW's. In the middle of my wrap, I mentioned, "It's been a year today since [the boy] first contacted me." Without looking up from studying, he said, "Let it gooooooo..." I almost fell out of my chair laughing. He was right, of course. I was going to blog about it, make a big deal about it, recount our 9 months of [insert word for relationship/friendship], but you know, a year later is just a good time as any to let it go...
They say you never forget your first love. I probably won't. I might not even get over him. But it's ok. I'm learning to laugh at myself, to stop being a melodramatic softie, and to move on.
The sun has finally broken thru the clouds today (literally, not poetically) and I'm trying to soak up some much needed vitamin D. Damn exams.
They say you never forget your first love. I probably won't. I might not even get over him. But it's ok. I'm learning to laugh at myself, to stop being a melodramatic softie, and to move on.
The sun has finally broken thru the clouds today (literally, not poetically) and I'm trying to soak up some much needed vitamin D. Damn exams.
Finals Week
Stress! Ok, so I usually don't stress, but I am now. I have to pass all my classes because I already have my flight and hotel booked to go see Jay... (gulp) I currently have an F in Pharm, which could change easily tomorrow... or I could fail that one too and end up HERE over the break. So much to learn, so little time... Ever since I met Jay, I have become even MORE of a slacker, basically not studying at all and spending all my time talking to him and planning the next time we'll be together. That ended a few days ago, and I got serious about school. He's understanding, but he doesn't like coming 2nd to my schooling. I failed 2 tests last week, tho, and I realized I couldn't go on like that. JW chewed me out pretty good about not being honest with people and told me I'm brilliant and if I could see the stupid things I'm doing, I would change everything. I know he's right. I don't say what I mean to DD or Jay or my stalker, I spend so much time "with" Jay, and I hang out with PB and drink as often as I can, which COMPLETELY destroys my studying for the night. I was told this past weekend that I need to obsess more. It's now written on my mirror in the bathroom. So far, so good, studying like I used to, shaving, eating regularly, etc. Trying to get all my ducks in a row. Not easy.
So the Saints are going to the Superbowl! I REALLY do not care about sports whatsoever, BUT this one is kind of personal. See, my baby is a waiter in NOLA. Last night he called me several times to let me just LISTEN to the wildness and celebration of the crowd. The Saints doing well in football=him doing well in tips and making lots of green. He's been telling me for about 3 or 4 weeks now that he hopes the Saints make it to the Superbowl because it would mean GREAT business for the whole city. A bartender friend of his commented last night that it was like Mardi Gras early when the Saints scored in overtime. With Mardi Gras starting this weekend (when I get there!), and the Superbowl right smack-dab in the middle of the festivities... It's gonna be a good year for commerce in NOLA... and for my baby.
While in NOLA, might get a chance to meet a blogger I've known about and followed on-and-off since I started this blog over a year ago, BrettCajun, who I mentioned a while back. Should be fun! FT and his hag (love her!) are going to NOLA the day after I leave. Poop. Just as well. Jay doesn't need to see one of the guys I previously considered hooking up with.
So the Saints are going to the Superbowl! I REALLY do not care about sports whatsoever, BUT this one is kind of personal. See, my baby is a waiter in NOLA. Last night he called me several times to let me just LISTEN to the wildness and celebration of the crowd. The Saints doing well in football=him doing well in tips and making lots of green. He's been telling me for about 3 or 4 weeks now that he hopes the Saints make it to the Superbowl because it would mean GREAT business for the whole city. A bartender friend of his commented last night that it was like Mardi Gras early when the Saints scored in overtime. With Mardi Gras starting this weekend (when I get there!), and the Superbowl right smack-dab in the middle of the festivities... It's gonna be a good year for commerce in NOLA... and for my baby.
While in NOLA, might get a chance to meet a blogger I've known about and followed on-and-off since I started this blog over a year ago, BrettCajun, who I mentioned a while back. Should be fun! FT and his hag (love her!) are going to NOLA the day after I leave. Poop. Just as well. Jay doesn't need to see one of the guys I previously considered hooking up with.
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