-it's a bad idea to have your sexual awakening during finals week of med school.
-i feel like going up and hugging skinny chicks who sleep with obese guys and saying, "oh honey, i know how you feel, bless your heart."
but that might get awkward.
-there seems like no better time to watch entire seasons of a new show that catches your fancy than the day before your last final. absolutely no motivation to do jack squat.
-i think i've been imprinted. i'll explain that sometime. but suffice to say a certain reader of this blog has his voice and face burned forever into my mind, and that does things to me. wonderful things. =)
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
a word...
...on straight porn, from the perspective of the somewhat-objective male:
being 'bi' and all that means that i tend to watch both gay and straight porn. straight porn is weird. while both kinds of porn are directed primarily at men, straight porn is different. here are some things i've noticed:
-obviously, it's directed at straight men. or maybe bi men too. whatever the case, if you're watching straight porn, you're mostly watching it for the ladies, right? then why on earth do they still have guys on there with monstrous cocks who could just as easily be huge in the gay porn scene? for some reason, it just seems odd that you would need to have a hot guy to do straight porn.
-i'm going to contradict myself now. i get frustrated with straight porn because it seems that the directors intentionally hide as much of the male actors as possible. you see abs-down BJs. you see the insertion and the thrusting, but not much more. you see the girl sitting on the guy, her back to him, so that you see her whole body and face and the penetration, but not his face, abs, chest, etc. and then you see girls bent and twisted into gymnastic positions so that both their face and va-jay-jay/anus are showing, with as much breast camera-time as possible. i know the director does it so the viewer can cut-n-paste himself into the man's position, but for people like me [the objective male] i don't see why you have to cut out the male beauty in the scene. i look forward to seeing both the girl and the guy when i watch straight porn, and it's kind of a turn off to not be able to see HIS reactions. in gay porn, there are no qualms about showing every inch of both guys. not the case in straight porn. (same goes for threesome, which are blazingly hot. you see two cocks, one va-jay-jay, one anus, and one face.
-what the hell is she-male porn?!
-it's odd watching a guy and girl do it and only seeing one money shot. i'm so used to their being two in gay porn that when the guy is done, i expect the girl to DO something... it never happens.
hope you all enjoyed my little observations about porn. hopeully more pics to come soon, there are a few other models/porn stars that get me every time.
being 'bi' and all that means that i tend to watch both gay and straight porn. straight porn is weird. while both kinds of porn are directed primarily at men, straight porn is different. here are some things i've noticed:
-obviously, it's directed at straight men. or maybe bi men too. whatever the case, if you're watching straight porn, you're mostly watching it for the ladies, right? then why on earth do they still have guys on there with monstrous cocks who could just as easily be huge in the gay porn scene? for some reason, it just seems odd that you would need to have a hot guy to do straight porn.
-i'm going to contradict myself now. i get frustrated with straight porn because it seems that the directors intentionally hide as much of the male actors as possible. you see abs-down BJs. you see the insertion and the thrusting, but not much more. you see the girl sitting on the guy, her back to him, so that you see her whole body and face and the penetration, but not his face, abs, chest, etc. and then you see girls bent and twisted into gymnastic positions so that both their face and va-jay-jay/anus are showing, with as much breast camera-time as possible. i know the director does it so the viewer can cut-n-paste himself into the man's position, but for people like me [the objective male] i don't see why you have to cut out the male beauty in the scene. i look forward to seeing both the girl and the guy when i watch straight porn, and it's kind of a turn off to not be able to see HIS reactions. in gay porn, there are no qualms about showing every inch of both guys. not the case in straight porn. (same goes for threesome, which are blazingly hot. you see two cocks, one va-jay-jay, one anus, and one face.
-what the hell is she-male porn?!
-it's odd watching a guy and girl do it and only seeing one money shot. i'm so used to their being two in gay porn that when the guy is done, i expect the girl to DO something... it never happens.
hope you all enjoyed my little observations about porn. hopeully more pics to come soon, there are a few other models/porn stars that get me every time.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
looking for love in all the wrong places... and loving it.
it's a hard thing when you realize you might be the most evil human on the planet. of course, once you get over the initial shock, your apathy towards all things moral and a complete lack of conscience kick in and you don't care anymore. i felt like such a monster last night, but it felt so good too... toying with another human--who admittedly deserved it, conniving bastard--screwing with their emotions, it all felt so incredibly powerful and terrible and satisfying all at once. i felt like i knew every cog and wheel in his head, and could turn him any way i wanted to. he tried so hard to come out on top, seem smart, on top of it, witty... and in the end he was blown utterly away.
it's been a long, long time since i destroyed someone so well.
there is something stirring within me, something cold and wild and dangerous. its awakening marks the beginning of an awful, brilliant new era of my life. i am new, i am reborn. i am capable of everything--even love--and regret nothing. beware, unsuspecting world, a passionate force has been unleashed upon you and your puny denizens.
*********
they say love is blind. it probably is. i realized today that what i called blind love was not really blind, so it may not have been love. i often claim to love indiscriminately. that is false. i do not. i love when it's easy, convenient, and completely rewarding in some way to me. i love when i feel i am somehow saving someone, when it will make me seem great and kind and needed to someone. there are people i have loved that believe i am the greatest gift God ever dropped from His bountiful heaven. they are, obviously, wrong. i don't describe myself this way because i am conceited; no, i am merely listening to both sides of my mind these days, letting the cool, calculated voice of reason and obviousness blend with the whispering tones of intuition. i know things now that i never knew before. i sense things about people, and about myself. i know how i love, and how people feel about my love.
i, like most gay/bi men, have always been surrounded by fat girls. if you take offense to me calling them that, fuck off, it's what they are, and they always flock to gay men. it's elementary why: like most girls, they need a man to fill that penis-shaped void in their life, but they are rejected by the greater mass of manhood that listen more to their smaller head and biological imperative than any shred of kindness and humanity that their larger head [or heart] possesses. so these larger women [usually emotional, loud, controlling, and dramatic] are drawn to the men that accept them: the ones that they already know are not going to be attracted to them anyway, or at least the ones who are kind to them. [on a side note, nice/gay/bi guys like me find it hard to have a meaningful relationship with a hot chick because they are so used to people being nice to them because of their looks that the only thing that gets their attention is an asshole. we've all seen it.] i find that most gays are kind to fat chicks because a) they have no reason not to be, and b) they feel empathy for them because of their outcast state. this has all become painfully clear to me, although it was clear enough 4 years ago, but now i realize just how much i hate these "fag hags" or "fruit flies," whichever they are. they drive me nuts with their unrelenting neediness and stalkeresque attention, their endless sob stories and their sudden mood swings. [it's the hormones.] my own personal fat chick is about to get cunt punted... i am going to see her next week, and will have to try my best not to strangle her. [figuratively, i am the typical passive-aggressive push-over, wouldn't hurt a soul.] i have a hard time dismissing extraneous humans from my life.
the point [there is one] is that i have at times said i love these creatures that swarm around me like a cloud of locusts. i do not. i think it's more akin to pity than affection that i feel for them. in my mind, i still am kind to them IN SPITE of the fact that i know they are despicable. however, i am still aware of their unattractiveness, their annoying nature, and their complete and utter uselessness to me. that, gentlemen, is not love. i am not blind to their nature. instead, i see it all too well, and choose to look away and pretend to enjoy their existence. the very fact that i acknowledge fault with them shows that i am not blind.
the same is currently true of the men i am talking to/experimenting with. i have yet to encounter a truly attractive man that will throw himself at me. i think what attractive men have learned is to make themselves practically inaccessable to all but a select few, and let themselves be chased. it takes a lot less energy and time to do so. the ugly, however, are not so blessed. they must chase and seek and snatch at every chance they get. i apparently am easy pickings for the bottom of the barrel. i hope these boy enjoy my short time of youthful ignorance; i am not going to be here long. again, i am not blind to their faults at ALL, and am almost scornful of the very men i do the most intimate things with, things that passionate lovers would be quick to duplicate. i honestly think st. peter will let me pass through the pearly gates because, even though i was participating in an abominable sin, i was 'loving' the unlovable, doing for them what no one else would, and that, in my mind, balances the universe out nicely.
in reality, outside of my family, i have only truly loved 2 men. there have been many i have loved because it was so damn easy. there are 2, however, that i loved whole-heartedly, that i knew loved me back, and that i know i will love forever. that may be my only redeeming quality in this life; that i found i could actually LOVE--not "i loved him even though he was annoying/ugly/etc." but "i loved him, will always love him, and would die for him in a heartbeat." my soul finds peace in this thought, that i loved unconditionally.
i am not completely gone... i still have a heart. it is hardened, and stubborn, and rebellious, and callous. but it still bleeds hot, red blood, and it still beats for love unconquerable.
someday i will find love for good... and never let the slippery bastard go.
it's been a long, long time since i destroyed someone so well.
there is something stirring within me, something cold and wild and dangerous. its awakening marks the beginning of an awful, brilliant new era of my life. i am new, i am reborn. i am capable of everything--even love--and regret nothing. beware, unsuspecting world, a passionate force has been unleashed upon you and your puny denizens.
*********
they say love is blind. it probably is. i realized today that what i called blind love was not really blind, so it may not have been love. i often claim to love indiscriminately. that is false. i do not. i love when it's easy, convenient, and completely rewarding in some way to me. i love when i feel i am somehow saving someone, when it will make me seem great and kind and needed to someone. there are people i have loved that believe i am the greatest gift God ever dropped from His bountiful heaven. they are, obviously, wrong. i don't describe myself this way because i am conceited; no, i am merely listening to both sides of my mind these days, letting the cool, calculated voice of reason and obviousness blend with the whispering tones of intuition. i know things now that i never knew before. i sense things about people, and about myself. i know how i love, and how people feel about my love.
i, like most gay/bi men, have always been surrounded by fat girls. if you take offense to me calling them that, fuck off, it's what they are, and they always flock to gay men. it's elementary why: like most girls, they need a man to fill that penis-shaped void in their life, but they are rejected by the greater mass of manhood that listen more to their smaller head and biological imperative than any shred of kindness and humanity that their larger head [or heart] possesses. so these larger women [usually emotional, loud, controlling, and dramatic] are drawn to the men that accept them: the ones that they already know are not going to be attracted to them anyway, or at least the ones who are kind to them. [on a side note, nice/gay/bi guys like me find it hard to have a meaningful relationship with a hot chick because they are so used to people being nice to them because of their looks that the only thing that gets their attention is an asshole. we've all seen it.] i find that most gays are kind to fat chicks because a) they have no reason not to be, and b) they feel empathy for them because of their outcast state. this has all become painfully clear to me, although it was clear enough 4 years ago, but now i realize just how much i hate these "fag hags" or "fruit flies," whichever they are. they drive me nuts with their unrelenting neediness and stalkeresque attention, their endless sob stories and their sudden mood swings. [it's the hormones.] my own personal fat chick is about to get cunt punted... i am going to see her next week, and will have to try my best not to strangle her. [figuratively, i am the typical passive-aggressive push-over, wouldn't hurt a soul.] i have a hard time dismissing extraneous humans from my life.
the point [there is one] is that i have at times said i love these creatures that swarm around me like a cloud of locusts. i do not. i think it's more akin to pity than affection that i feel for them. in my mind, i still am kind to them IN SPITE of the fact that i know they are despicable. however, i am still aware of their unattractiveness, their annoying nature, and their complete and utter uselessness to me. that, gentlemen, is not love. i am not blind to their nature. instead, i see it all too well, and choose to look away and pretend to enjoy their existence. the very fact that i acknowledge fault with them shows that i am not blind.
the same is currently true of the men i am talking to/experimenting with. i have yet to encounter a truly attractive man that will throw himself at me. i think what attractive men have learned is to make themselves practically inaccessable to all but a select few, and let themselves be chased. it takes a lot less energy and time to do so. the ugly, however, are not so blessed. they must chase and seek and snatch at every chance they get. i apparently am easy pickings for the bottom of the barrel. i hope these boy enjoy my short time of youthful ignorance; i am not going to be here long. again, i am not blind to their faults at ALL, and am almost scornful of the very men i do the most intimate things with, things that passionate lovers would be quick to duplicate. i honestly think st. peter will let me pass through the pearly gates because, even though i was participating in an abominable sin, i was 'loving' the unlovable, doing for them what no one else would, and that, in my mind, balances the universe out nicely.
in reality, outside of my family, i have only truly loved 2 men. there have been many i have loved because it was so damn easy. there are 2, however, that i loved whole-heartedly, that i knew loved me back, and that i know i will love forever. that may be my only redeeming quality in this life; that i found i could actually LOVE--not "i loved him even though he was annoying/ugly/etc." but "i loved him, will always love him, and would die for him in a heartbeat." my soul finds peace in this thought, that i loved unconditionally.
i am not completely gone... i still have a heart. it is hardened, and stubborn, and rebellious, and callous. but it still bleeds hot, red blood, and it still beats for love unconquerable.
someday i will find love for good... and never let the slippery bastard go.
Monday, April 13, 2009
just for fun
this is me on life...
Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating
i have had no caffeine today. this is the highest level you can 'achieve' on this meter... not very accurate, i'd say. or i produce my own caffeine.
Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating
i have had no caffeine today. this is the highest level you can 'achieve' on this meter... not very accurate, i'd say. or i produce my own caffeine.
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