My "Brokeback"

this post, and subsequent posts involving the "NY" story are lovingly dedicated to the man, the myth, the legend, James "Erik Rhodes" Elliot, who writes the most gutsy, honest, heart-felt blog out there. he shames most of the rest of us, including me, who put a front and hide behind the person we want our readers to see. J.E., you hide nothing, you write what's true in your life, and you don't hide behind the porn-star persona most people think they know because they watch your films. as someone who came to "know" and love you through your amazing blog, i want to say thanks for the inspiration you are to me, and all the best to you on your quest for beauty, happiness, and the love of a lifetime.
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i have never been so happy about something so foolish. usually it's the first kiss that rocks your world, but it was my third that sent me flying through the stars. #'s 1 and 2 don't compare in any way to #3.

we drove up into the mountains for about an hour, stopping at overlooks and taking pictures of the amazing views. we talked over a lot of things we had missed in each others' lives over the 21 years we've known each other--how messed up our families really are, how we coped with things, how similar we are, both of us being the second boy, peacemaker, optimist, arts lover, sensitive type. mostly, though, we talked about why he's gay and not. at least, not really. i believe i have the choice. he doesn't. his family knows; mine doesn't, at least not all of them.

we made it up over 6,000 feet to a landmark overlook. we sat in the car, talking, and i knew. i knew the whole way up, really, but it was there his body started moving differently.

"can i ask you something personal?" he asked hesitantly in his faux-British accent. (we were both born in NY, and he's only spent the last 3 years or so in and out of the country, but he picked up the accent fast. it's his way.)

"sure." i smiled. "you can ask me anything. i might not always tell you the truth."

"never mind." he said, turning in his seat.

"no you don't," i insisted, "ask me."

"well... i was wondering... i'd like to kiss you."

i fairly launched myself over the console. i grabbed his face--thumb in front of his ear, four fingers on his occipital bone--and pulled his lips into mine.

ecstacy.

i eventually crawled over into his seat, straddled him, and drove him absolutely wild. i gave his lips a light, teasing kiss, drew back, made him follow me, gave him another, drew back, and forced him back into the seat. i went for all my favorite spots--the chin, the angle of the jaw, the ear, the neck, the forehead. it was pure, unadulterated joy.

i laughed when i saw we had fogged the windows. my first time, hopefully not my last. we kept our clothes on, and i turned down his offer to see his 7.5 incher. i wasn't in it for sex, and i had told him that within a minute of picking him up. he gasped "you have such amazing self-control," and it was true. i felt in control of every second, driving him here, twisting him there, making him lie still while i brushed his face, neck, and chest with my lips.

eventually, i wore out, having no experience (although he was incredulous when he heard it was only my third, second true kiss--"you're so f***ing good" he gasped) or endurance, and i wrapped my arms around him and lay on him. i quietly covered his face, head, and neck with kisses, whispering how beautiful he was and how amazing his skin felt against mine. i held his hand, rubbed his body, and loved every magnificent second of it.

"it's like our own modern version of Brokeback Mountain, isn't it?" he whispered. I had to laugh. it had come up in conversation earlier, and i had to agree. it was better, though. he asked me, in the middle of the passion, "do you know how long i've waited for this?" it was over ten years.

finally, he said we should head home, which was true. we had been gone a long time, and our cover story was "coffee." we would have to change that tune. we went to change seats, and he ended up on top of me for one last amazing full-body kiss. i could only gasp "oh my God..."

once i was back in my seat, he started looking for where everything had gone--his coat, his water, his camera. he looked up, and i pulled him into another kiss. i laughed--i have never been so happy--and put the car in drive. i hit the brakes, grabbed him, kissed him, pushed him away, and howled in laughter as he exclaimed "ow!" i was in a trance the whole way down the mountain. we held hands, taking turns kissing the other's fingers. he leaned on my shoulder, and i kissed his head. he upturned his face, and i met his lips. "this is so dangerous..." he noted.

i laughed. "feels good to live on the edge, huh?" we almost drove off the edge when i started kissing down his wrist. "that wouldn't happen if you'd stop being so amazing, " i playfully reprimanded him.

we lip-locked at every stop sign all the way home. it was pure magic, the most beautiful thing i've ever experienced in my life. we listened to music on the way down the mountain, including "your hand in mine" by explosions in the sky and "saeglopur" by sigur ros. it was all i ever wanted. he was understanding and respectful when i told him i didn't want to go further than the kissing and touching.

on the way back, he was nuzzling my arm, and i gently told him, "don't get attached. you're going back to england in two days, and i'm leaving town tomorrow." and it was true. he couldn't get attached. i felt so incredibly cold and bad-ass, in a way. having that level of intimacy, yet having to remain objective and let him go, and tell him to not get attached to me... not like me at all. and it felt kinda good, a little sad, like Brokeback. i'm not going to cry, though. it was perfect, and i don't need anything more.

once

i fall in love with people very quickly. humans fascinate me. i was told today that i am unjaded by the world, and it explains why i deal with people the way i do. it's true, mostly. i have not experienced much of the ugliness of the world. i've heard of it, like rumbling thunder in the distance. i've not dealt with it much. or so it would seem, anyway.

as i said, i get attached to people quickly. i usually can sense things about them that intrigues me, makes me want to know everything about them. i do this thing sometimes that shows just how much i want to make that connection to other humans. i'll meet someone--once--and find them so amazing, so beautiful, i can't stand the thought of not knowing them. so, provided i know their name or have their contact information, i keep in touch with them by any means possible for months, maybe years later. let me illustrate.

first there was andy. i met andy while volunteering at a concert. we talked of similar interests and each other's lives while taking money at the door. he's one of those people who is so fascinating and involved in what he does that he has few friends, and keeps in touch with few more than his favorite people. that was the only time i met him, and though we have attempted to get together again since, have failed. however, we call and write e-mails regularly, mostly to stay abreast of new developments in the life of the other, but also to continue our talk.

then there's tim. we interviewed together at the school i am going to now the first time i interviewed (and didn't get in). he was short, funny, and looked like ernie off of sesame street. we hit it off pretty well; we both have a good sense of humor, are extroverts, and weren't too nervous about the interviews. (we should have been, neither of us got in, mostly due to the fact we were so late in applying.) he traveled to south america over the summer, and we kept in touch through facebook. while i reapplied to the school, he went on to start teaching in south america, then got married, then started a journalism career... all the while writing to me periodically, letting me know he probably wouldn't be coming back anytime soon. true to his word, he's still there. he calls me his "one-day-best-friend."

i think trevor was next. trevor doesn't really count, because we're up to 4 face-to-face meetings. however, prior to meeting #2, we just wrote on-line. i also met trevor at the concert--he and his girlfriend were volunteers as well. he has an intense, vibrant, energetic personality, and we clicked because our spit-fire conversations sound like they were scripted by writers for "gilmore girls." after months of not seeing trevor, i dropped in on him in his dorm room at my alma mater. we talked for about 2 hours. the third meeting was longer, about 3 hours of conversation that started at midnight. neither of us lost momentum, and were trucking hard straight until my buddy nick called me to come sleep with him. (he had stayed up until 3 waiting for me to come and cuddle with him and rub his back.) our fourth meeting was brief, but we still can count on one hand how many times we've actually seen each other, and yet we're very close.

finally, there's dave, the ape-man. god, that boy is big, and good-looking. (well, some people don't think he's that attractive, but i find members of either sex appealing based on different criteria than most.) dave came to help out at my old job for a day. he was a bartender, so i would chat with him over by the bar when i needed drinks. he's a neat guy, articulate, but laid-back, slow at times, the typical deep-voiced beefcake. i think it was our oppositeness that made us friends, and we also e-mail and text on-and-off. he wants me to come visit him when i'm on break. (a lot of people do, though...)

i'm not sure if it's me, or them, or me liking them, or them liking me, or all of the above. but it's amazing to watch the attraction between two people that sparks a friendship based off of once.

falling for you

talk to me. tell me of love. i'll sit here and stare out the window, get lost in your words, wrap them around me, dance with them, paint your love on a canvas of glass in hues of vermillion and ocean blue. speak fountains of pure love into existence, forge passion from the fires of your heart.

craft beauty for me. let me see it with my eyes, hear it in my ears. whisper it, laugh it, cry it, sing it. show me the magic hiding behind each breath, the splendor tucked in each spider web and ocean wave and falling leaf and twinkling star.

let me see you. hide not your face from my longing eyes. bare your soul, let it flitter through the branches that disguise it, let it be free. let me adore it, adore you. i love you. I LOVE YOU.

i want your love. i crave it, want it, desire it, beg for it. look on me, find me beautiful. is it wrong to ask that? i think not, for i could very well wither away and die without you, and likely will if you withhold your love from me any longer.

tell me you can't stand a moment away from me, that you think of me and get weak inside, and let it be truth.

oh love! love with me! love me!

i want to fall in love with you.