tonight i have so many thoughts to sort thru. jay went home tonight, and i felt a huge rush of relief seeing him leave... followed shortly thereafter with pangs of missing him. i am torn yet again between wanting him and wanting to punch his lights out.
this is what happened this week:
due to the fact that i was @ a funeral a few weeks ago, i had to switch one of my friday clinicals with another student for this friday, the only one i had open. additionally, MPD was having surgery on thursday. therefore, jay had to come here instead of me going to see him in NOLA. the problem with that is he never does well with flying/travel. that meant no sex on the first day, of course, and sleeping in late the next day. friday he fell asleep while filling the tub, and it flooded the bathroom and part of my room and the living room. i was out doing my clinicals and got a call from him and the leasing office in the space of 2 minutes, him panicking, them wondering why the downstairs bathroom was flooding. i thought it was funny. friday ended with no sex either.
however.
we went out on wednesday (st. patty's, obvi) with some kids, and had a good time. thursday we stayed in and watched a movie. friday afternoon i went to give him a bj (up until the point all that had happened was i gave him an hj in the car on the way home from the airport, and he laughed at me, although he got hard, and he let me START giving him a bj on thursday... but that was it). he REFUSED it, and pushed me away, and wouldn't let me near his dick. i was PISSED. it was day 3 and he STILL had shown no interest in sex whatsoever. later, i went out to get some wine for him to cook a sauce with, and ran into the same guy (JGW) from the previous post, along with MS from the church episode. JGW invited me over to his place for a party, and i so bad wanted to go... but i just held up the wine and shrugged. he remembered that i had told him about jay being here and being jealous, and he just nodded. (he also invited me to a party on FB that i may go to... looks like fun! big birthday bash, dance, pantless, gay party...) while i was in the store, though, a thought struck me: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. well, our sex life was sure as hell BROKE, and nothing was fixing it. however, if i wanted to get it to the point where i didn't HAVE to fix it, i would have to change my expectations for sex. so, that night, after a lovely date (he cooked tuna steaks and we watched 'legend' and then had an AMAZING make-out session), i sat back on his pelvis and said, "baby, let's take sex off the table." he was surprised, but i explained my rationale to him. if there were no expectations, there would be no disappointment, no pressure, no frustration. he wasn't sure he liked the idea, but he was floored that i had offered him that. we went out at midnight and met some friends for some drinks, and just had a good time.
the next morning, i woke up, he woke up, we started making out, i go on top of him, started grinding heavily on his dick... and he looked up at me and said, "the lube's in the bathroom." within minutes, i got good and laid, one of the best fucks i've had thus far. (the bad part: nothing has gone in my ass for 5 weeks, and he simply lubed and entered. that is PAINFUL to re-introduce with no warm-up, but i took it like a man and didn't beg him to take it out. i figured he might go limp if i didn't let him leave it in... and besides, i like a little pain while i'm getting pounded!) i came shortly after he pulled out, and had to jerk off again later that day without him knowing. (come on, i was carrying around a 4 day load!) it worked like a charm, though: as soon as i let him know we didn't HAVE to make love/have sex/fuck, he was hard and ready to go. i think one part of his brain also realized that if i wasn't going to get it from him, eventually, i would get it from someone.
that night we had the screen door open, the lights out, stripped naked, full-sized mattress on the living room floor (that's where we camped out the while time, it was convenient, and he could play on the 360 without leaving bed), and watched another '70's film. it felt entirely bohemian and fun. i think all guys should try it with their guy friends: getting naked, turning on a good film, opening the windows and just enjoying being dudes together.
we watched 4 films: 'the prime of ms. brodie' 'haunted honeymoon' 'legend' and 'illuminata', the last of which was a beautiful piece of art. it was another one of those films that he picked out knowing i would LOVE. it was also another film that, as i watched, i knew had some significance to him. he draws from films a lot in his life - he'll text me romantic quotes from movies, or he'll tell me that such and such a character in his book is based off this person in this film or this plot device he used here... he sent me the 'imperfect love' quote from 'illuminata' which, watching the film, i found overworked on his part, but still... nice.
in spite of the better moments of this trip, i still had twitches in my eyelids from the stress of dealing with him by the time i dropped him off at the airport. i feel cheated, robbed, in a way, of a better experience because of how he has been. it's not JUST the sex, it's the little attitude he gets, the bossy, controlling mindset he falls into, the 'i know best' air he puts on. perhaps he does, perhaps he doesn't, all i know is that he's steadily working himself back into singlehood. today marks 20 weeks for us. he says this is one of the longest relationships he's ever had, and no relationship has lasted more than 6 months. we've hit 4 months. i am tempted to make it until may, but another part of me wants a break. i think we make excellent friends, great cuddle/make-out buddies, and occasional lovers... but this is not what i want in a boyfriend. he calls me husband. are we at that point this soon, where he feels like he owns me, can control me, manipulate me, and withhold sexual intimacy from me?
i think not.
unfortunately, i have been sorely tempted to start turning to other means of sexual gratification. while i do appreciate the relationship and the bond/connection that comes with it, it feels empty and meaningless in light of how things have been going. i am torn between the meaningless, hollow relationship i have with him and the terrible reasons i am staying, and the meaningless, hollow satisfaction of a quick fuck, a one-night-stand, a passionate roll between the sheets. neither sound terribly satisfying to me, yet i desperately want both. i want the love and desire of my man, my boyfriend, but i want the wild passion, the physical aggression, the pulse and rush of blood and testosterone and spit and cum, the pain and ecstasy of an energetic, full-penetration fuck.
apparently i am doomed to enjoy either one or the other, but not both, or perhaps, in the end, neither.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Living in Sin is the New Thing
I never remember my dreams. I never HAVE dreams, to my knowledge. But lately, I've been having vivid, intense, real dreams that I remember after I wake up. Some that stand out are two involving me having to invade a house where guys are holding friends/loved ones hostage (two separate dreams, same plot), and three sex dreams (which I NEVER have) involving 1) a big handsome guy, 2) a good friend from undergrad, and 3) a foursome with none other than JW, SW, and SN. (Hot? You bet your ass. Disturbing? You're damn straight.) I am not sure what this means. My sleep schedule has been off - I may have caught up last night with about 12 hours of solid sleep. The sex dreams are particularly interesting, since I never have those, and suddenly they popped up right when I was in NOLA. I don't want to think about it, but it probably means I'm sexually frustrated. I'm not sure what the hostage-situation, violent dreams mean. I know I killed a few guys in the one dream, and had intentions to in the other. I am usually the one running for his life in my dreams, about to be killed, not the one doing the killing. It seems odd that I have somehow got a better grip on my subconscious, like I'm in control now, and my dreams make more sense, and are on topics that interest me: sex and action. :)
I talked to my 'gay mentor' from Texas yesterday. He really doesn't like Jay. I take everything he says with a grain of salt. He's not my type of gay, really, but he has a mature, older, experienced perspective on things. He just didn't like my description of Jay, our sex life (like everyone else, he's kind of surprised to learn that I'm not the top, and Jason is not the bottom), and especially the financial situation. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place with this one, though: I'm not seeing Jay and I together in the long run at this point, but if I break it off, he's going to fall to pieces. Besides, I could certainly provide for him if he continues with his career of no directions. I wouldn't mind, I do love him deeply. He comes to visit Wednesday. I think this trip will really determine a lot of what happens in the future.
I ran into one of my first 'hook-ups', the one who actually cared. It wasn't awkward like I thought it was going to be, I was actually happy to see him. I apologized for treating him like crap, and he kind of understood, although he really wasn't hurt by our encounters and how I treated him after. He's dating someone now too. I am going to try to have lunch and talk to him sometime soon. We'll see how that goes.
I've been morbidly attracted to MPD lately. We spend a fair amount of time together, and I truly care for him. I'm getting better at controlling my feelings and their physical manifestations, thankfully, so seeing him half-naked the other day didn't affect me the same way. He is going through so much right now, and he went to take his mom to the ER last night because of chest pain. I am planning on taking care of him when he gets back... which will be complicated by the fact that Jay will be in town, and MPD's ex/friend from across the country will be here, as will his mom, for his lymph node biopsy/surgery. I told Jay about his surgery already, though, so he knows a little what to expect.
So lemme tell you about the other night... EPIC. Started with my workout (pushed myself pretty hard, was proud of it) then went to MPD's for a shower. We then went out and met some other 2nd years for a drink and some dinner at the bar. MPD was done after two beers, so I took him home. It was nice, though, JW was there, I hadn't seen him in three days, so I was hugging on him and just enjoying being around him and MPD. After I dropped MPD off at home, I texted JW to let me know what else was going down, since it was still early and I wasn't tired. What ended up happening was 5 guys went and crashed an all-girl, PJ, slumber party. We (well, JW) lit a bag of dog shit on fire on the porch, after which we threw pebbles at the windows, after which the girls chased us down and gave us cookies. Oh, and one of the guys ran into the house in just his boxers. Classic awesomeness. We went back to JW's and some of the guys smoked cigars and we had a good talk and laugh... JW was so laid back and fun that night, and I just kept looking at him thinking, God, what a handsome guy, and such a good friend. He informed me he was leaving the next day (Saturday) and not coming back until next Sunday... I was very saddened by this and didn't want to say goodbye.
So THEN I went home and started texting PB. At one point, I said "get back here, dammit, i effing miss you!" (He's been on spring break all week.) To which he replied, "surprise, just got home, come over if you want to hang." I was out the door in five minutes, and stayed up until 4 AM with him watching movies and laughing. It felt like old times: we lay on the couch together, heads at opposite ends, legs intertwined. I made him sit between my legs at one point for a back rub, and then we went to sleep on separate couches. I went out in the morning, got my body fat checked with my trainer (14.8%, not bad, slowing decreasing!), and then bought supplies for huevos rancheros at the grocery store before returning to PB's and cooking him breakfast. Afterward, we got back on the couch under a blanket and watched another movie, his arms around my feet, my elbow hooked over his ankles. Just the sheer physical closeness of him was healing, soothing, and I could have cried I was so happy. I didn't get a boner once, didn't feel anything but love for him. No bitterness for things that can't be, just joy in having him back in my life and being able to be close without things being awkward. (I was laughing as I thought to myself today that it would be funny if I went to the wives of the guys I've been in the bed with and asked them how it felt to know I had cuddled, spooned, or slept with their man long before they had in ways they probably do now. I'll bet that would go over well.)
That's about it for now. There are other little things, like meeting my lesbian friend's gay couple friends, going out to a movie with them, learning the handsome mysterious man I see out all the time is gay and goes to my church, going out again last night with the intern from the trip to Central America and thinking how fucking good looking he is and how nice he is to me, or the fact that I am not studying at all this weekend and am so far behind in board prep but I still am watching hulu TV seasons again, and now I have a netflix account, so I can watch movies on my computer, so I've been watching comedians, such as Lisa Lampanelli, Kathy Griffin, Margaret Cho, and Louis C.K. (who I now love).
But we won't mention those.
I talked to my 'gay mentor' from Texas yesterday. He really doesn't like Jay. I take everything he says with a grain of salt. He's not my type of gay, really, but he has a mature, older, experienced perspective on things. He just didn't like my description of Jay, our sex life (like everyone else, he's kind of surprised to learn that I'm not the top, and Jason is not the bottom), and especially the financial situation. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place with this one, though: I'm not seeing Jay and I together in the long run at this point, but if I break it off, he's going to fall to pieces. Besides, I could certainly provide for him if he continues with his career of no directions. I wouldn't mind, I do love him deeply. He comes to visit Wednesday. I think this trip will really determine a lot of what happens in the future.
I ran into one of my first 'hook-ups', the one who actually cared. It wasn't awkward like I thought it was going to be, I was actually happy to see him. I apologized for treating him like crap, and he kind of understood, although he really wasn't hurt by our encounters and how I treated him after. He's dating someone now too. I am going to try to have lunch and talk to him sometime soon. We'll see how that goes.
I've been morbidly attracted to MPD lately. We spend a fair amount of time together, and I truly care for him. I'm getting better at controlling my feelings and their physical manifestations, thankfully, so seeing him half-naked the other day didn't affect me the same way. He is going through so much right now, and he went to take his mom to the ER last night because of chest pain. I am planning on taking care of him when he gets back... which will be complicated by the fact that Jay will be in town, and MPD's ex/friend from across the country will be here, as will his mom, for his lymph node biopsy/surgery. I told Jay about his surgery already, though, so he knows a little what to expect.
So lemme tell you about the other night... EPIC. Started with my workout (pushed myself pretty hard, was proud of it) then went to MPD's for a shower. We then went out and met some other 2nd years for a drink and some dinner at the bar. MPD was done after two beers, so I took him home. It was nice, though, JW was there, I hadn't seen him in three days, so I was hugging on him and just enjoying being around him and MPD. After I dropped MPD off at home, I texted JW to let me know what else was going down, since it was still early and I wasn't tired. What ended up happening was 5 guys went and crashed an all-girl, PJ, slumber party. We (well, JW) lit a bag of dog shit on fire on the porch, after which we threw pebbles at the windows, after which the girls chased us down and gave us cookies. Oh, and one of the guys ran into the house in just his boxers. Classic awesomeness. We went back to JW's and some of the guys smoked cigars and we had a good talk and laugh... JW was so laid back and fun that night, and I just kept looking at him thinking, God, what a handsome guy, and such a good friend. He informed me he was leaving the next day (Saturday) and not coming back until next Sunday... I was very saddened by this and didn't want to say goodbye.
So THEN I went home and started texting PB. At one point, I said "get back here, dammit, i effing miss you!" (He's been on spring break all week.) To which he replied, "surprise, just got home, come over if you want to hang." I was out the door in five minutes, and stayed up until 4 AM with him watching movies and laughing. It felt like old times: we lay on the couch together, heads at opposite ends, legs intertwined. I made him sit between my legs at one point for a back rub, and then we went to sleep on separate couches. I went out in the morning, got my body fat checked with my trainer (14.8%, not bad, slowing decreasing!), and then bought supplies for huevos rancheros at the grocery store before returning to PB's and cooking him breakfast. Afterward, we got back on the couch under a blanket and watched another movie, his arms around my feet, my elbow hooked over his ankles. Just the sheer physical closeness of him was healing, soothing, and I could have cried I was so happy. I didn't get a boner once, didn't feel anything but love for him. No bitterness for things that can't be, just joy in having him back in my life and being able to be close without things being awkward. (I was laughing as I thought to myself today that it would be funny if I went to the wives of the guys I've been in the bed with and asked them how it felt to know I had cuddled, spooned, or slept with their man long before they had in ways they probably do now. I'll bet that would go over well.)
That's about it for now. There are other little things, like meeting my lesbian friend's gay couple friends, going out to a movie with them, learning the handsome mysterious man I see out all the time is gay and goes to my church, going out again last night with the intern from the trip to Central America and thinking how fucking good looking he is and how nice he is to me, or the fact that I am not studying at all this weekend and am so far behind in board prep but I still am watching hulu TV seasons again, and now I have a netflix account, so I can watch movies on my computer, so I've been watching comedians, such as Lisa Lampanelli, Kathy Griffin, Margaret Cho, and Louis C.K. (who I now love).
But we won't mention those.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Another Grossly Long Post
I accidentally deleted my draft blog that was just basically a list of things I needed to talk about on the blog. I'm sure things will come screaming back to me at the most inopportune times. I remember most of the list, though, so let's get started, shall we...
-Mom's Facebook Message: In short, my mother sent me something my old Sunday School teacher (a guy - I was his only student for about 6 months, and I really enjoyed those one-on-one sessions) had posted in response to Elton John stating that Jesus was probably a highly-intelligent gay man. It doesn't matter really what the point of his response was, although it was a good response from the perspective of a conservative Christian man. The thing that bothered me was it was from my MOM, it was a private message, and it was about being gay. She knows. She acts like that was just a letter to encourage me or something I could use when talking to my gay friends here, but I know what she's doing. I told a friend of mine about it, and he said it was nothing probably... So I said, "If YOUR mother sent you a message about being gay and God loving you regardless, what the hell would you THINK she was trying to say?!?!" He got the point. She knows. How much she knows is another issue altogether.
-I mentioned my trainer in a previous post. There was a story from last week on the list that I don't remember, but there's one from this week too. After getting home on Sunday, I was exhausted from the crying. Monday I skipped my assigned routine (a run) because I barely left my pajamas all day and was very depressed. JW called me and told me to spend the day at his place and study, just so i would have someone to keep me company. Well, I made the mistake of telling my trainer on Tuesday (because he asked) that I had skipped it. He got MAD. "You can't skip workouts." I almost fired him on the spot. Who the FUCK does that?! I sat down and pumped out 30 reps because my blood was boiling. When I was a little calmer, I told him I skipped because I was depressed. He told me running might have helped my mood. MOOD?! Yeah, that's what I want: to cheer up and not be in a bad mood. She's DEAD. She won't ever NOT be dead. I'm not in a bad mood. I AM GRIEVING. I don't think my trainer understands the concepts of love, human affection, and desperately missing someone after they're gone. I still might fire him, the son-of-a-bitch.
-Ok, so here we go. Last Tuesday was a big day. First, SW stopped by to pick up his clothes that I've had since the formal. He stopped by as I was about to shave and shower, and I was in my boxers. It felt awkward, since he came over and hugged me. Rumors have been rampant lately about him being bi or gay, and I wasn't sure how I felt about him hugging my mostly-naked body. I talked to him shirtless for a while, and when he left he hugged me again. He told me he 'really would like' to see me come out for a big birthday bash at a bar downtown that night. I said I would try. This is where I play the part of PATHETIC. I mainly went because my stomach flip-flopped when he said he 'really would like' to see me. Hot, blond, masculine, muscular SW wanted to see me! I laugh at myself just thinking about this. At the bar, I discovered he was the only 3rd year, and I was the only 2nd year until about an hour later when several of my classmates came out. I tried to act like I was there for the birthday folks, and tried to not keep gravitating back to SW's side. It was hard. I hardly had anything to talk about with anyone.
Well, here's where the story get annoying. There is this GUY in the first year class who we shall refer to as The Model. This kid did some modeling, talks like a fag, always has his hair done perfect, wears immaculate clothing, obviously does SOMETHING with his skin because it's always shiny, had a male 'friend' drive 8 hours 'just to visit', and has an obsession with SW. SW has been hanging out with The Model and his hag in the last few months, and that apparently is where most of the rumors are coming from, since most everyone knows that the hag, NE, has a soft spot for the gays and hangs with The Model most of the time. Some of the rumors I've heard are that SW asked The Model to join him for a 3-some on the night of the formal, and that he told NE that he was bi.
The Model was out on Tuesday night, and orbited SW like a tall, thin, gay, closeted moon. (Oh yeah, The Model ADAMANTLY denies that he's gay.) It was kinda sad, and I realized I never, ever, ever want to be that guy, the one who worships a demigod because of their looks or charisma. I saw myself in The Model and felt so sad, so pathetic.
Around 11:30 I decided I needed to turn in. I started saying my good-byes, and SW gave me this look. He asked me how he was getting home, and I was like, what? He assumed I was going to be his DD like usual and let him crash at my place. I said, oh, OK, cool, I can do that. Because, hey, I'm a nice guy, and he is my friend, and come on, something could happen... (Again, pa-thet-ic.) Well, after watching him through numerous beers and dancing around, I suddenly can't find him around 1:30 AM. I text him to see if he's ready to go, and what does he say? THE MODEL DROVE HIM BACK TO HIS PLACE. "Pissed" does not even begin to describe my sentiment at the moment. I don't think I have to explain why, but I will:
Point The First: The only reason I stayed and didn't drink was because I was under the assumption that I was going to DD this asshole.
Point The Second: I have been WARNING SW that the reason people think he's gay is because of his association with The Model, and that I think The Model and NE are spreading these rumors about him. (Frankly, SW enjoys the attention, and also enjoys the male sexual attention he gets from gays because it lets him know he's hot.) He blatantly ignores my admonitions and blames the rumors on a girl in my class who could not care less about his sorry ass.
Point The Third: He could have at least texted me that he had a ride. He told me via text later that it was 'amazing' seeing me out that night.
SW has moved up the Black List significantly.
-So I drove home. I called Jay and vented for the 10 minute drive home. I was tired, frustrated, burnt out. He could tell I was not happy, and when I got home I parked the car and sat in it, just being miserable. Jay finally asked, "What's going on in your head? What's wrong? What are you thinking?" And finally, it all came out. Slowly, I told him that I never tell him what I see wrong with our relationship, that there are things I would rather see gone. I went through them one by one: the jealousy thing, especially with SS in NOLA and PB here, keeping the bedroom in the bedroom, and the fact that our sex life is dying out already. He was a little defensive, but for the most part was receptive and willing to listen and attempt a change. The sex life part was the hardest for us both: first, he told me I had hurt him when I said I was frustrated by the fact we only had sex once the second time he visited (he said it was 'emasculating') and second, he said I just want to jump straight to the fucking and skip the foreplay. Basically he was saying the reason he couldn't get hard was because I hadn't worked him up to it, I hadn't romanced him and engaged him enough in foreplay. I was struck by this. Before him, all I DID was foreplay. I never got to the penetration, the sex act, the fucking. I cuddled, I made out, I played, I sucked dick, and I usually played between 1-2 hours before either I or my bedfellow came. Then, when I finally let him pop my cherry, I loved it. I wanted it every day. I told JW about what Jay said, and he agreed that Jay is being like a girl. JW's gf has him do the whole foreplay romance thing because it's what gets her off too. JW summed up the problem nicely: "Sometimes you just want a good, old fashioned fuck." I had to agree. I mean, isn't that one of the benefits of dating a guy, doing away with all the girlie stuff in bed from time to time and getting down to business? Don't get me wrong, I still love foreplay and would medal in the cuddle Olympics. But seriously, if I'm with another dude, I'm expecting to have sex with a dude, not with a chick. It was a curve-ball for sure, and I'm still not sure how I feel. There have been times when I feel I do all the right things and foreplay the shit out that sex session, and he still isn't interested, so I don't really feel like taking the blame for the fact that we haven't bumped uglies more than a dozen times.
Now, again, I love Jay. I love the relationship. I love that I have an awesome emotional connection and bond with someone who cares for me and is fun to talk to and I find highly attractive. I HATE, however, that our sex life is on the rocks. I hate that I feel like I can't talk about how I feel about it without him being hurt, offended, or psychologically scarred. I want to say, "You know, when I decided to have gay sex, it's because I wanted to have sex with a man." If I say it, it'll be OVER.
Anyway, he agreed to try to be less vocal about our sex lives and quit trying to jerk/suck me off in public and show my dick to his friends, and he said he'd work on things in the bedroom. He also said he'd try to be less jealous (he put SS on the phone when he went to the bar one night and told me I should call him the other day when SS was sick, just to show me he wasn't jealous) and trust me a little more.
However, I don't know if he should.
-I am having INTENSE feelings for several other guys. I like JW, but he's the easiest to control my feelings for, since I really care about him and his GF, and also, he has herpes (not bad, they haven't flared up in years and he's off the medicine, but still, he has them), similar to the fact that SW has HPV. However, the DJ in the class has this foreign, quiet, self-deprecating allure that I find very attractive. That, in turn, is nothing compared to how I feel for PB. MPD got me to admit tonight that if PB told me he was gay, I'd leave Jay in a heartbeat, no question about it. Obviously this is NEVER going to happen, but it made me realize Jay has some right to be jealous. I'm not like most gays who sleep around willy-nilly, but lately I've been having doubts about having the ability to stay faithful to Jay. I love PB. There is a deep, masculine, borderline-gay bond between us. I've seen his dick and vice-versa. We've slept together. It's about as close as it could (and should) get without us being actual lovers.
And now there's the problem of MPD. Dear LORD tonight was hard. I brought food over to MPD's place to cook, and he talked incessantly about his problems with the girl, his self-image/esteem/worth, school, etc. We've been talking over the past week on several nights when I come over to his place after the gym (he lives less than a mile from the gym), and he's dating this girl who is going to RUIN him. I had a huge crush on him in the first place, but the fact that he's a) open and vulnerable, b) hurting, c) physically affectionate, d) hopelessly romantic and desperate for love, and e) drop-dead handsome make it nearly impossible for me to not kiss him (at least). Tonight we talked for a long time, and he talked about all his insecurities. He got around to how he feels about his body, and he took off his shirt. A little background: allegedly he hasn't taken his shirt off in front of anyone for nearly 2 years since he last dated. I doubt this is true, as he has to do it for lab, but he says he hates taking his shirt off in front of people. It was obviously a signal that he felt comfortable around me and trusted me. He showed me his tan (he went to the beds yesterday), the fact that he had shaved... I touched his stomach to feel how smooth he was, and he took my hand and put it on his chest and said, "Feel how hot it still is? I got a little burned at the beds." He took off his shirt to let me look at him and give him my honest opinion 'as a friend not a gay guy, don't make this awkward' about his looks and if he should be worried that his GF will not find him attractive when he takes his shirt off. I had a hard time telling him, but I finally was able to get out that he has NOTHING to worry about, and he is very handsome.
A few minutes later, the shakes started.
I got the shakes a few other times: when I messed around with my roommate in college, when I made out with the guy in MX, and when I messed around with one of the first guys here in town. My body and mind are fighting, and I freak out about what could happen. It was guilt and excitement with the first two, excitement with the third, and now it was guilt again. I wanted to run my hands all over his skin, kiss him... It hurt so bad, and I was terrified of actualy doing it. The guilt came from thinking of Jay - 900 miles away, emotionally fickle, sexually struggling, somewhat round, occasionally obnoxious Jay. (This is what my mind went through in an attempt to rationalize why it was ok that I was having overpowering feelings for another man.)
After having MPD get all worried, I finally told him my opinion as a gay man: he was very, very attractive to me not only because he was handsome and has big muscles, but I find his personality very attractive as well, and have not found many young men with the combination of good looks and caring heart like he has, and he is right up there with the most attractive men I've ever met. He made it clear to me that he definitely does not want that to change our friendship, which I agreed it shouldn't, but I felt bad. Here he had trusted me enough to strip off his shirt and expose the body he already feels poorly about, and I made it into something about me by freaking out and telling him I'm hot for his body. Nice.
-All in all, things are looking weird. Jay comes in two weeks. If things aren't improving by then, I'm going to vote for a step back from the relationship. I am undoubtedly one of the happiest gay men to ever live. I am in a stable, somewhat mature relationship, I like my man, I find him attractive, and when we do fuck, I am completely and totally sexually satisfied. I feel selfish saying it's not what I need or that it's not enough... But I don't know if it's going to be a relationship that makes it.
Well, that's all I remember from the list, and once again, it's late as balls. Fuck. Funeral Friday, driving back home to pick up some of the fam and then heading further on the road to spend time with friends who knew her. Not sure I'm ready emotionally, but oh well. You can't prepare for these things.
-Mom's Facebook Message: In short, my mother sent me something my old Sunday School teacher (a guy - I was his only student for about 6 months, and I really enjoyed those one-on-one sessions) had posted in response to Elton John stating that Jesus was probably a highly-intelligent gay man. It doesn't matter really what the point of his response was, although it was a good response from the perspective of a conservative Christian man. The thing that bothered me was it was from my MOM, it was a private message, and it was about being gay. She knows. She acts like that was just a letter to encourage me or something I could use when talking to my gay friends here, but I know what she's doing. I told a friend of mine about it, and he said it was nothing probably... So I said, "If YOUR mother sent you a message about being gay and God loving you regardless, what the hell would you THINK she was trying to say?!?!" He got the point. She knows. How much she knows is another issue altogether.
-I mentioned my trainer in a previous post. There was a story from last week on the list that I don't remember, but there's one from this week too. After getting home on Sunday, I was exhausted from the crying. Monday I skipped my assigned routine (a run) because I barely left my pajamas all day and was very depressed. JW called me and told me to spend the day at his place and study, just so i would have someone to keep me company. Well, I made the mistake of telling my trainer on Tuesday (because he asked) that I had skipped it. He got MAD. "You can't skip workouts." I almost fired him on the spot. Who the FUCK does that?! I sat down and pumped out 30 reps because my blood was boiling. When I was a little calmer, I told him I skipped because I was depressed. He told me running might have helped my mood. MOOD?! Yeah, that's what I want: to cheer up and not be in a bad mood. She's DEAD. She won't ever NOT be dead. I'm not in a bad mood. I AM GRIEVING. I don't think my trainer understands the concepts of love, human affection, and desperately missing someone after they're gone. I still might fire him, the son-of-a-bitch.
-Ok, so here we go. Last Tuesday was a big day. First, SW stopped by to pick up his clothes that I've had since the formal. He stopped by as I was about to shave and shower, and I was in my boxers. It felt awkward, since he came over and hugged me. Rumors have been rampant lately about him being bi or gay, and I wasn't sure how I felt about him hugging my mostly-naked body. I talked to him shirtless for a while, and when he left he hugged me again. He told me he 'really would like' to see me come out for a big birthday bash at a bar downtown that night. I said I would try. This is where I play the part of PATHETIC. I mainly went because my stomach flip-flopped when he said he 'really would like' to see me. Hot, blond, masculine, muscular SW wanted to see me! I laugh at myself just thinking about this. At the bar, I discovered he was the only 3rd year, and I was the only 2nd year until about an hour later when several of my classmates came out. I tried to act like I was there for the birthday folks, and tried to not keep gravitating back to SW's side. It was hard. I hardly had anything to talk about with anyone.
Well, here's where the story get annoying. There is this GUY in the first year class who we shall refer to as The Model. This kid did some modeling, talks like a fag, always has his hair done perfect, wears immaculate clothing, obviously does SOMETHING with his skin because it's always shiny, had a male 'friend' drive 8 hours 'just to visit', and has an obsession with SW. SW has been hanging out with The Model and his hag in the last few months, and that apparently is where most of the rumors are coming from, since most everyone knows that the hag, NE, has a soft spot for the gays and hangs with The Model most of the time. Some of the rumors I've heard are that SW asked The Model to join him for a 3-some on the night of the formal, and that he told NE that he was bi.
The Model was out on Tuesday night, and orbited SW like a tall, thin, gay, closeted moon. (Oh yeah, The Model ADAMANTLY denies that he's gay.) It was kinda sad, and I realized I never, ever, ever want to be that guy, the one who worships a demigod because of their looks or charisma. I saw myself in The Model and felt so sad, so pathetic.
Around 11:30 I decided I needed to turn in. I started saying my good-byes, and SW gave me this look. He asked me how he was getting home, and I was like, what? He assumed I was going to be his DD like usual and let him crash at my place. I said, oh, OK, cool, I can do that. Because, hey, I'm a nice guy, and he is my friend, and come on, something could happen... (Again, pa-thet-ic.) Well, after watching him through numerous beers and dancing around, I suddenly can't find him around 1:30 AM. I text him to see if he's ready to go, and what does he say? THE MODEL DROVE HIM BACK TO HIS PLACE. "Pissed" does not even begin to describe my sentiment at the moment. I don't think I have to explain why, but I will:
Point The First: The only reason I stayed and didn't drink was because I was under the assumption that I was going to DD this asshole.
Point The Second: I have been WARNING SW that the reason people think he's gay is because of his association with The Model, and that I think The Model and NE are spreading these rumors about him. (Frankly, SW enjoys the attention, and also enjoys the male sexual attention he gets from gays because it lets him know he's hot.) He blatantly ignores my admonitions and blames the rumors on a girl in my class who could not care less about his sorry ass.
Point The Third: He could have at least texted me that he had a ride. He told me via text later that it was 'amazing' seeing me out that night.
SW has moved up the Black List significantly.
-So I drove home. I called Jay and vented for the 10 minute drive home. I was tired, frustrated, burnt out. He could tell I was not happy, and when I got home I parked the car and sat in it, just being miserable. Jay finally asked, "What's going on in your head? What's wrong? What are you thinking?" And finally, it all came out. Slowly, I told him that I never tell him what I see wrong with our relationship, that there are things I would rather see gone. I went through them one by one: the jealousy thing, especially with SS in NOLA and PB here, keeping the bedroom in the bedroom, and the fact that our sex life is dying out already. He was a little defensive, but for the most part was receptive and willing to listen and attempt a change. The sex life part was the hardest for us both: first, he told me I had hurt him when I said I was frustrated by the fact we only had sex once the second time he visited (he said it was 'emasculating') and second, he said I just want to jump straight to the fucking and skip the foreplay. Basically he was saying the reason he couldn't get hard was because I hadn't worked him up to it, I hadn't romanced him and engaged him enough in foreplay. I was struck by this. Before him, all I DID was foreplay. I never got to the penetration, the sex act, the fucking. I cuddled, I made out, I played, I sucked dick, and I usually played between 1-2 hours before either I or my bedfellow came. Then, when I finally let him pop my cherry, I loved it. I wanted it every day. I told JW about what Jay said, and he agreed that Jay is being like a girl. JW's gf has him do the whole foreplay romance thing because it's what gets her off too. JW summed up the problem nicely: "Sometimes you just want a good, old fashioned fuck." I had to agree. I mean, isn't that one of the benefits of dating a guy, doing away with all the girlie stuff in bed from time to time and getting down to business? Don't get me wrong, I still love foreplay and would medal in the cuddle Olympics. But seriously, if I'm with another dude, I'm expecting to have sex with a dude, not with a chick. It was a curve-ball for sure, and I'm still not sure how I feel. There have been times when I feel I do all the right things and foreplay the shit out that sex session, and he still isn't interested, so I don't really feel like taking the blame for the fact that we haven't bumped uglies more than a dozen times.
Now, again, I love Jay. I love the relationship. I love that I have an awesome emotional connection and bond with someone who cares for me and is fun to talk to and I find highly attractive. I HATE, however, that our sex life is on the rocks. I hate that I feel like I can't talk about how I feel about it without him being hurt, offended, or psychologically scarred. I want to say, "You know, when I decided to have gay sex, it's because I wanted to have sex with a man." If I say it, it'll be OVER.
Anyway, he agreed to try to be less vocal about our sex lives and quit trying to jerk/suck me off in public and show my dick to his friends, and he said he'd work on things in the bedroom. He also said he'd try to be less jealous (he put SS on the phone when he went to the bar one night and told me I should call him the other day when SS was sick, just to show me he wasn't jealous) and trust me a little more.
However, I don't know if he should.
-I am having INTENSE feelings for several other guys. I like JW, but he's the easiest to control my feelings for, since I really care about him and his GF, and also, he has herpes (not bad, they haven't flared up in years and he's off the medicine, but still, he has them), similar to the fact that SW has HPV. However, the DJ in the class has this foreign, quiet, self-deprecating allure that I find very attractive. That, in turn, is nothing compared to how I feel for PB. MPD got me to admit tonight that if PB told me he was gay, I'd leave Jay in a heartbeat, no question about it. Obviously this is NEVER going to happen, but it made me realize Jay has some right to be jealous. I'm not like most gays who sleep around willy-nilly, but lately I've been having doubts about having the ability to stay faithful to Jay. I love PB. There is a deep, masculine, borderline-gay bond between us. I've seen his dick and vice-versa. We've slept together. It's about as close as it could (and should) get without us being actual lovers.
And now there's the problem of MPD. Dear LORD tonight was hard. I brought food over to MPD's place to cook, and he talked incessantly about his problems with the girl, his self-image/esteem/worth, school, etc. We've been talking over the past week on several nights when I come over to his place after the gym (he lives less than a mile from the gym), and he's dating this girl who is going to RUIN him. I had a huge crush on him in the first place, but the fact that he's a) open and vulnerable, b) hurting, c) physically affectionate, d) hopelessly romantic and desperate for love, and e) drop-dead handsome make it nearly impossible for me to not kiss him (at least). Tonight we talked for a long time, and he talked about all his insecurities. He got around to how he feels about his body, and he took off his shirt. A little background: allegedly he hasn't taken his shirt off in front of anyone for nearly 2 years since he last dated. I doubt this is true, as he has to do it for lab, but he says he hates taking his shirt off in front of people. It was obviously a signal that he felt comfortable around me and trusted me. He showed me his tan (he went to the beds yesterday), the fact that he had shaved... I touched his stomach to feel how smooth he was, and he took my hand and put it on his chest and said, "Feel how hot it still is? I got a little burned at the beds." He took off his shirt to let me look at him and give him my honest opinion 'as a friend not a gay guy, don't make this awkward' about his looks and if he should be worried that his GF will not find him attractive when he takes his shirt off. I had a hard time telling him, but I finally was able to get out that he has NOTHING to worry about, and he is very handsome.
A few minutes later, the shakes started.
I got the shakes a few other times: when I messed around with my roommate in college, when I made out with the guy in MX, and when I messed around with one of the first guys here in town. My body and mind are fighting, and I freak out about what could happen. It was guilt and excitement with the first two, excitement with the third, and now it was guilt again. I wanted to run my hands all over his skin, kiss him... It hurt so bad, and I was terrified of actualy doing it. The guilt came from thinking of Jay - 900 miles away, emotionally fickle, sexually struggling, somewhat round, occasionally obnoxious Jay. (This is what my mind went through in an attempt to rationalize why it was ok that I was having overpowering feelings for another man.)
After having MPD get all worried, I finally told him my opinion as a gay man: he was very, very attractive to me not only because he was handsome and has big muscles, but I find his personality very attractive as well, and have not found many young men with the combination of good looks and caring heart like he has, and he is right up there with the most attractive men I've ever met. He made it clear to me that he definitely does not want that to change our friendship, which I agreed it shouldn't, but I felt bad. Here he had trusted me enough to strip off his shirt and expose the body he already feels poorly about, and I made it into something about me by freaking out and telling him I'm hot for his body. Nice.
-All in all, things are looking weird. Jay comes in two weeks. If things aren't improving by then, I'm going to vote for a step back from the relationship. I am undoubtedly one of the happiest gay men to ever live. I am in a stable, somewhat mature relationship, I like my man, I find him attractive, and when we do fuck, I am completely and totally sexually satisfied. I feel selfish saying it's not what I need or that it's not enough... But I don't know if it's going to be a relationship that makes it.
Well, that's all I remember from the list, and once again, it's late as balls. Fuck. Funeral Friday, driving back home to pick up some of the fam and then heading further on the road to spend time with friends who knew her. Not sure I'm ready emotionally, but oh well. You can't prepare for these things.
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