once again, HUGE HUGE HUGE test tomorrow... once again, torn up emotionally and unable to study. i have talked to both the lesbian and JW tonight, and i can't get it out of my head. JW said it best: "anyone else would have dumped Jay a long time ago."
it's killing me. JW told me he has only seen me happy once since Jay and i started dating, and it was right when i came back from NOLA the first time. i know he's right. i am in this relationship because of what I do for HIM. i am being drained dry, and i do nothing to stop it. he says i'm incredible, the best boyfriend he has ever had, and thousands of other things that make me sound like an angel. when it comes down to it, though, the meat and potatoes of the relationship, we're bankrupt. he thinks we're married; i'm not even sure i want to date him anymore. he's blissfully happy; i'm miserable as hell.
JW and L tell me i need to talk to him, get things worked out. i don't want to, either because i'm afraid it will end it... or because it won't.
there is a lot i want to write about, but once again, BULLET POINTS!
-i don't remember mentioning this: on my last trip to see Jay, i was accompanied on the plane from one city to the next by a dear sweet lady in our class. she's about to hit her 40's, i think, but still looks 28. she's a devout Christian, and very emotional, but sweet as can be. i have always enjoyed her presence, and this was no different. she started to talk to me about Jay, and asked how i felt about being gay and being a Christian at the same time. i told her i still wasn't sure about everything... and then she told me her story. she was a flower child, a free spirit of the 80's, and had lived the drugs/sex/rock and roll lifestyle in her 20's. she had been married to a woman in amsterdam, and lived the lesbian lifestyle for years. it was her faith that made her change her mind and direction in life, and she said it's still hard, almost 20 years later, to be a single woman and have feelings for other women that she feels she morally can't act on. tears flowed from her eyes as she realized i knew the loneliness that comes from living that life, and i told her i had grown TIRED of it. i wanted the affection, the love, the relationship. i was tired of women turning me down - me, the guy most girls say they hope their husband will be like, the guy mothers wish their daughters would date and marry. turned down flat. she had the same experience with men, and is so incredibly lonely. she told me she feels she wasted the 'beautiful' years of her life ("i was hot!" she told me) on women when she should have used her looks and charm to catch a man. i felt horrible for her, and wondered if i would ever feel that way. on the other hand, guys can be terrible people, and with divorce rates what they are, she might have been just as alone and miserable. no telling.
-L has introduced me to several of her gay friends who are couples. the first two i met at a birthday party for the one; the second two i met this week. the blonde, JG, is a third year, and the black-haired, dark-skinned one is his lebonese-american boyfriend, GC. we went for a hike the other day, and talked non-stop the whole time. it was so, so nice to finally get to talk to some level-headed, non-fem, in-a-serious-functioning-relationship gays. in short, they are dying for the DJ to come out, they aren't too fond of Jay, and they think PB, MPD, and JW all want me. and also, they're jealous of my interactions with SW and SN (the spartans). i found it funny that they thought JW wants me, because HE'S always telling me that PB wants me. it made sense to them, though, because he doesn't like Jay and he is my sounding board for all things gay and related to my relationship with Jay. i'm pretty sure they're wrong, but i do feel i make strong emotional connections to straight guys and allow them to toy with the possibility of 'something' more.
-last week was LGBT awareness week here, and L took me to a 'lecture' of sorts given by a gay i met when i went to the movie with her gay friends a few weeks/months ago and a priest who works for the school and is WHOA gay. (really really really gay.) it was about faith and queers, and basically i hated it. i really cannot identify with the religious LGBT community, nor can i reconcile their treatment of the scriptures with any kind of applicable faith. say all you want, but i don't think you should have to dig a super decoder ring out of your cereal box to understand the scriptures in a way that fits the gay agenda, nor do i agree with 'queering' the Bible and finding 'your' truth in it. do we all do that? of course! we all find the truth we want, regardless of creed or religion. but i still think it's wrong for a people group (gays) to take a religious document and bend it to their agenda, make it say things it never has, or simply dismiss it as 'stories' like Aesop's fables from which we can glean general truths and good life lessons, but which we shouldn't really take as historical fact or a guideline for our morals and lives. sorry, that's not how i see it. (theoretically.)
-so the 'God hates fags' people aka westboro baptist church is coming to town this weekend. i am excited to say that my church has at least PROPOSED to go out and do something. they are saying they want to raise funds for the people that WBC will be protesting. on the other side, my gay friends in town are amassing their forces to counter-protest. i am a little torn as to which side i want to help, but i think i will end up helping my church. seems more practical. more on this after this weekend!
-2 things about gay men: first, they don't REALLY want equality and rights like everyone else because then they won't be a huge issue, and that just isn't their nature. they have to be drama, the center of attention. if equality ever happened, it would be the death of the loud-mouthed gay culture. (yay?) second, gay men are fascinating and unique because lesbians are basically just women who got tired of men, or aren't inhibited anymore. most women are a drunk sleep-over away from a lesbian experience. men? our identity is so wrapped up in our sexuality. we can't be seen as 'girly' by having legitimate feelings and attraction towards another man. women, of course, can comment on how hot a guy OR girl is and no one bats an eye. she isn't a dyke or a tom just because she notices how sexy another girl is. but you hear a dude say 'whoa, look at the ass on him!' and instantly everyone is like, wow, what a fag... gay men are a fascinating study because it takes so much more for a guy to be homosexual and admit he's attracted to other men. i was at a coffee shop with a straight buddy of mine this week, and he opened up a little to me about his feelings about the designations of 'gay', 'straight', and 'bi'. i totally agreed when he said it's a gray area, that most people have a little 'gay' mixed in their straight. he admitted that he's not 100% straight, and has no qualms about pointing out a hot man. (at this point he had never been hotter to me...) it's rare to hear a guy say that.
-MPD's girl has apparently moved here. she quit her job and is more than likely living with him now. i haven't seen or heard from him since this happened, so i assume i'll find out more when the fallout hits. i had a final talk with him before she moved here, and i told him, "you and i are getting to the point where we need to evaluate just what we are giving up to not be alone." both of us are very affectionate, loving, passionate people. both of us are in relationships that more than likely are going to bite us in the ass. his response was basically 'i'm tired of being alone, and she's there for me.'
i've had several song lyrics running through my head about this:
'guess i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all' - need you now, lady antebellum
'i don't want to walk this earth if i gotta do it solo' - solo, iyaz
'don't care about all the pain in front of me, i'm just trying to be happy' - happy, leona lewis
i feel like we're both THERE right now. it's too painful to go it alone, so we'd rather endure the pain of a sucky relationship instead. i'm at my breaking point, though. i told JW about Jay forcefully kicking me off of him, the blinding rage that came after, and how he hits my dick when he sees i have a hard-on just from seeing him naked. it's not right, and i can't stand it anymore. JW told me what i already know: i have to TELL HIM when i don't like something RIGHT THEN, right when it's happening.
-ok, so it's going to be late, and i'm going to flunk tomorrow, but i don't care at this point. maybe then i will have to remediate and skip seeing Jay next week... ugh, i hate thinking like that...
