confused... but that's nothing new

i don't know what's going on with me right now. some days i know just what i want; other days i'm clueless. sometimes i think i'm about done with this whole man-love thing, and other times i get caught up in it all over again when a good-looking guy catches my eye.

meeting the boy was incredible. of that i'm sure. i'm tempted to publish a detailed account of the visit, brag on him a little... but i'll just keep that to myself. let's just say it's very frustrating living so far apart, but i'm thankful for the few days we had together.

i'm basically being stood up for the second time in 2 days. today is by a friend; yesterday was also a friend, but i was meeting him to show him what sex with a man is like for the first time. he overslept, and i ended up just going home angry and frustrated and a little relieved. we've talked for the last 2 nights now about hooking up. the first time he overslept; the second we both had second thoughts about how smart it would be. i need to stop talking to that guy, he brings out a really raunchy side of me. when he found out i was in town, he said i had to come see him. he asked, "so... are we just gonna hang out, or...?" "well," i replied, "i was thinking i'd come down and have sex with you." "ok." he said. "i guess we could do that." for a "straight" guy, he agrees to messing around with guy pretty quickly.

i think i'm about done messing around with random guys. there are 2 guys i have my eye on right now that i know and am attracted to and am pretty sure are in the closet. other than that, i'm going to try to lay low. i got a text today from one of my hookups that started with "slurp!" who the fuck starts a message like that?! i'll tell you: an annoying queen, that's who. i'm over those kind of gays; it's no wonder gays are known for being so spiteful and distrusting of one another...

dad and i had lunch today. i think my parents suspect something, and i just want to say, "yes, it is what you think, thanks for NOT helping me for 8 years now and being too scared to care. thanks for putting off trying to help me for the past 7 months after my breakdown." why now? what changed that suddenly they're so concerned about me? what about when i sobbed uncontrollably for 2 hours in their arms and told them something was very wrong? what about when i wrote the lengthy letter detailing what they could do to help? no. they wait almost 8 months until after the 'damage' is done and then suddenly are there. dad tried to help today, he really did, but he can't even bring himself to say the word "gay" or "homosexual." i feel sorry for them, which is why it's better they don't know.

there are answers i want so badly right now. i just don't want to ask the questions. i know really where things are headed, i'm just unwilling to face most of that future. things are crashing in a lot of ways, and once again i feel isolated, alone, and confused. i want so much to be able to focus on other things, like school. the past few months would make a great novel or slow-paced movie, but i'm ready for it to be over. i want a new chapter to start.

i think i've officially gone gay... i'm listening to cher, watching will & grace, despising ugly people, obsessing about my looks and clothes, and 15 year old black kids are asking if i'm in the closet. ::attempts to slam the closet door shut and scuttle further into the depths of the darkness that is the sneaker-and-clothes-and-gays receptacle:: i haven't even been acting flamboyant, but someone used that word to describe me. i'm not sure there's anything i can do at this point.

i by-passed a really good "pay it forward" opportunity today... could have paid for a guy's test @ the clinic today, it was just 20 bucks. but i was shy and nervous, and he said he would just come back tomorrow and pay for it, he didn't have his wallet on him. (which begs the question why was he driving? but that's beside the point.) he was CUTE too! i am kicking myself for that one. i resolve to start taking chances, to go with my gut more, to stop thinking things to death, and just go with it. that could have a been a great experience. the next one might be too, but at least this time i'll know.

there's not much else to write, although my life has been exciting lately. just enjoying the summer, basking in the joy of the life of a professional student. going to see the guy i've been waiting for 5 months to meet next week... words cannot describe how excited i am. almost half a year! and what a half-year it's been.

"this is different kind of love song/dedicated to everyone"

the new york story will be coming up soon, i still only have the rough draft, which needs work, but i figured i'd get it off my computer.