shorthand

-tests are going better than usual. i think. might have made a 100 on a quiz this morning. yay.

-people have been putting all kinds of sexual comments on my fb wall lately... all of them with gay references. oh geez.

-jay and i called each other 11 times yesterday. not a record, but still a lot. he still is killing the sexual aura, but everything else is going smoothly, and i really love this guy.

-introduced PB to JP, who went on the trip, and JP knew PB's ex, and it was funny, and they hit it off, and then i drove JP home b/c we had been drinking, and we had pancakes the next morning when i picked him up to get his car, and we talked for a long time, and i can tell we're gonna be friends. he's a softie. and hot. and young. and tans. and wrestles. and has washboard abs. and is really nice. and funny.

-i'm going to be about 2 hours away from here for some of my rotations next year. things are looking good, though, b/c i can still live w PB while i rotate through here. yay.

-my trainer was in a FOUL mood today when i got in, and i was worried he'd take it out on me... but halfway through the workout, he looked at me and said, "you'll notice i'm in a much better mood now that you're here. anyone ever tell you that you have a way of brightening things?" i had to smile at that one. i go there with the goal of making him smile and laugh. he's extremely serious and goal-oriented, and it's nice to see his broad smile once in a while. (he also told me i'm looking slim... 200+ sit-ups a day and dieting are starting to work!)

-jay mentioned getting engaged again today, offhandedly, in a convo involving another gay couple getting engaged, and i shit a brick. almost threw up on the spot. not even close to ready for that.

-2 topics: barebacking and top/bottom.

barebacking: the boy and i didn't wear anything when we messed around. jay wore a condom the first time we had sex. he hasn't since we both got tested. i'm totally down with going bareback IF you are in a relationship. however, there are a lot of guys who get off on barebacking complete strangers, and i have to say, as someone in the healthcare profession THIS IS FUCKING RETARDED. i totally understand, don't get me wrong, it is kinda hot to think about, but this "barebacking coalition" thing going on is a bit much. no wonder there are such GREAT stereotypes about us gay men. it's because they're true.

top/bottom: i used to think it wasn't a huge fucking deal, mostly because i feel i can enjoy both equally. i have almost exclusively bottomed thus far, and that's fine with me. if given the chance, though, you'd better believe i'm going to top! it was a huge rush trying it with jay. loved it, loved it, loved it. (i am still counting on 2 hands the number of times i've even had a dick in me and my dick in someone else, so pretty much all sex is good sex to me right now.) apparently, though, it IS a HUGE deal to a lot of guys out there, and not only that, but there are still some guys who assume that you can stereotype both tops and bottoms. not always the case. basically what i'm saying is that it SHOULDN'T be such a huge deal, and you SHOULDN'T try to stereotype someone as one or the other based on body type/personality/etc. if it means that much to you, cool, let everyone know so you don't mistakenly end up with someone just like you. however, i think ALL gays should be vers, it would help out with their insecurity issues. besides it's just plain fun that way. (i asked the one guy to top me last summer over text, and he was a total girl about it. he didn't want to top OR bottom. he had issues.)

i've had caffeine, can you tell? going to study, 3 exams left!

Side Dish

I ate lunch at JW's. In the middle of my wrap, I mentioned, "It's been a year today since [the boy] first contacted me." Without looking up from studying, he said, "Let it gooooooo..." I almost fell out of my chair laughing. He was right, of course. I was going to blog about it, make a big deal about it, recount our 9 months of [insert word for relationship/friendship], but you know, a year later is just a good time as any to let it go...

They say you never forget your first love. I probably won't. I might not even get over him. But it's ok. I'm learning to laugh at myself, to stop being a melodramatic softie, and to move on.

The sun has finally broken thru the clouds today (literally, not poetically) and I'm trying to soak up some much needed vitamin D. Damn exams.

Finals Week

Stress! Ok, so I usually don't stress, but I am now. I have to pass all my classes because I already have my flight and hotel booked to go see Jay... (gulp) I currently have an F in Pharm, which could change easily tomorrow... or I could fail that one too and end up HERE over the break. So much to learn, so little time... Ever since I met Jay, I have become even MORE of a slacker, basically not studying at all and spending all my time talking to him and planning the next time we'll be together. That ended a few days ago, and I got serious about school. He's understanding, but he doesn't like coming 2nd to my schooling. I failed 2 tests last week, tho, and I realized I couldn't go on like that. JW chewed me out pretty good about not being honest with people and told me I'm brilliant and if I could see the stupid things I'm doing, I would change everything. I know he's right. I don't say what I mean to DD or Jay or my stalker, I spend so much time "with" Jay, and I hang out with PB and drink as often as I can, which COMPLETELY destroys my studying for the night. I was told this past weekend that I need to obsess more. It's now written on my mirror in the bathroom. So far, so good, studying like I used to, shaving, eating regularly, etc. Trying to get all my ducks in a row. Not easy.

So the Saints are going to the Superbowl! I REALLY do not care about sports whatsoever, BUT this one is kind of personal. See, my baby is a waiter in NOLA. Last night he called me several times to let me just LISTEN to the wildness and celebration of the crowd. The Saints doing well in football=him doing well in tips and making lots of green. He's been telling me for about 3 or 4 weeks now that he hopes the Saints make it to the Superbowl because it would mean GREAT business for the whole city. A bartender friend of his commented last night that it was like Mardi Gras early when the Saints scored in overtime. With Mardi Gras starting this weekend (when I get there!), and the Superbowl right smack-dab in the middle of the festivities... It's gonna be a good year for commerce in NOLA... and for my baby.

While in NOLA, might get a chance to meet a blogger I've known about and followed on-and-off since I started this blog over a year ago, BrettCajun, who I mentioned a while back. Should be fun! FT and his hag (love her!) are going to NOLA the day after I leave. Poop. Just as well. Jay doesn't need to see one of the guys I previously considered hooking up with.

It's someone's birthday. :)

Happy 23rd, big guy. Look back at this time last year, who you were, how your life was going... I know things aren't looking incredible right now...

But my wish for you is that you can see the difference, and somehow find hope for the future.

All the best, Boy. Happy, happy, happy birthday. I love you, kiddo.

PS, there is actually a guy in my class who reminds me of this video... Except his girlfriend is in Bosnia. True story. Thanks for introducing me to 'quality music.'

Trouble in Paradise

"Damn, damn, damn, DAMN!" -Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"


There is no way I can summarize what has happened, what is happening, and what is going to happen, in any succinct fashion.



Except, of course, bullet points.

-The trip was amazing. I love medical missions. This time the group was upbeat, excited, and enthusiastic every day, no matter what. Last time 1, maybe 2 got sick, and it was THE END OF THE WORLD. This time 5 or 6 got sick, and while it was a concern, it wasn't a big deal to most of the kids on the trip. We went to a bunch of orphanages and such, did well-child check-ups, saw a few sick kids, and did a clinic day where we saw over 200 people. but we also had a beach day at the end of the week on New Year's Day just to have an actual vacation and enjoy the beautiful surf, sand, and sun. New Years Eve was spent at the resort near the beach that we stayed at for Beach Day. (We spent 3 day at the Hilton in the capitol of the country and 3 days at the beach-side resort... I know, suffering for medicine...) We spent the hours leading up to midnight on the outdoor covered dance floor, drinks in hand, on the beach, in the waves... I got a wee bit tipsy and decided to go wading in my shorts and shirt. The water was warm, and the night was clear with a light breeze. I waded in up to my knees, hiking my shorts up... until the bottoms got wet, and then I let them down a little, at which point I got wet to my waist, which included the bottom of my shirt... Needless to say I was soaking within minutes and gloriously happy. I talked with a sweet girl (who was also wading and carrying a beer) for about 45 minutes, maybe more, I don't know, about me and Jay and love and relationships and the state of things as they pertain to politics, liberation, and gay marriage. At some point two of the guys on the trip came dashing past us in nothing but their boxer briefs... It was two of the first years, one of whom is the Dean's son. Being slightly drunk, I hollered cat calls and slightly inappropriate statements at them. I think they liked it. The Dean's son is kind of hot, having played football in undergrad and still has all his muscles filled out and his stomach hasn't filled in... And of course, his boxer briefs were nice and small, and clung to his skin after being soaked in ocean water, so it was like he had painted on his briefs, and pretty much every detail was showing... I'm a perv. :) When midnight rolled around, we all gathered on the beach and toasted with champagne as the entire coastline lit up with fireworks. (These people may be poor but they know how to party... It's a strange dichotomy.) After things calmed down, me and several other students dug our feet into the sand (and got bit by sand mites) and I kept them entertained with a "talk show" for 2 hours straight. (I get a little hyper when I'm tipsy, and often it leads to hilarity.) It was honestly one of the best New Year's I've ever experienced.

-Jay came to visit me again in early January. Things were going well between us, and while I found some of his habits and tics a little annoying, on the whole I could not have been happier. (You will please read the following paragraph patiently, dear reader, I may sound like I am a nit-picking whiner.) Basically, Jay came into town for the big annual winter ball/gala, which was a masquerade this year. He brought us AWESOME masks from NOLA, which were a huge hit at the gala. (Everyone wanted to touch them, wear them, buy them...) My tux no longer fits, which is awesome because I've lost a bunch of weight, but it would have been nice to realize that before putting it on as the gala began. Oh well. Jay and I were in HIGH demand, and spent very little time on the dance floor (don't regret that too much, but wish the night had been longer and drunk people passing out hadn't fucked up the night for everyone else!), as we were in a bunch of hotel rooms drinking the night away and being interrogated by all my friends who have been DYING to meet Jay. It was a good night.

The VISIT however... In brief, we had actual sex once, he refused to have sex with me at least twice, lost his hard-on as we were about to do it on the last night, laughed at me several times when I would start giving him a BJ at random times of the day and then pushed me away, and could not handle me being the top at ALL when he (finally) let me try. All in all, a very sexually frustrating weekend. The one side of me doesn't care, since sex is not the most important thing in the world to me, and 2 years ago I never even thought I would have sex if I were dating anyone. However, it IS an important part of the relationship, we ARE just getting started, and for crying out loud, I feel like I don't turn him on at all! He just has to get undressed and I can't get soft.

Furthermore, the problem moved out of the bedroom and into our conversations with other people. Jay has the habit of making us sound like two sex-crazed animals, when in reality we're like an old married couple. He talks about EXACTLY what we do in bed, shows people (in NOLA) pics I send meant only for him, and shares my "dirty" texts with his co-workers. He has been talking to me-and other people-about the sex clubs/bath houses he's going to bring me to when I visit NOLA in 2 weeks. Honestly, I'm not sure what to think. If he can't bring himself to fuck with me in the bedroom, why should we drag it all out in front of other people? Does he NEED other people around to feel sexy, to be stimulated? Is that why he brings up our sex life when other people are around? I sincerely doubt we're ACTUALLY going to engage in sex with each other, much less anyone else, while we're out in public, because even if that's what HE needs to get off, I'm still counting on two hands the amount of times I've had ACTUAL penetration sex, and it's still a huge novelty to me. I'm just fine fooling around in the bedroom, and I really get into foreplay (sometimes dragging it out for 1-2 hours...).

JW noticed the part where Jay talks about our sex life and me being gay a LOT, and it made him really uncomfortable. He knows me as me, not Jay's gay bf. He's been good to talk to, and he says I need to talk this all over with Jay. I plan on it when I go to NOLA, but it makes my end of the phone conversations a little strained. He was perfectly happy to just cuddle and sleep while he was here, and he's happy to just coo sweet nothings at me on the phone the whole time (I miss you, can't wait to see you, I love you, you're so good to me, I adore you, etc.), but I feel this nagging in my mind to TALK about the serious things in our relationship. Does he realize what rotations are going to be like for me? Is he REALLY willing to leave NOLA and move closer so we can be together for the next 2 years? (DOUBTFUL.) I find out this month where I'll be for 3rd year; the gears will be in motion after that.

All in all, the relationship is a little rocky right now. I have questions and concerns. Jay has unrealistic views on how this thing should work, or how it DOES work. That's all I know for now, I'm sure this one's not over...

-Went to visit Granny for her b'day with my fam (except Dad) and all her children/grandchildren on my Mom's side. It was great, and miserable. Almost killed my older brother. I have not been that emotionally drained for a long, long time. He is literally going insane, and the paranoia/antisocial behavior is getting worse as he continues to use and abuse the various drugs and herbals he's completely sold on. I left yesterday and texted a few people, telling them I was coming back to town and needed some company. Who responded first... PB.

Ok, so back up: Remember PB and his girl were having trouble in December? Well, after what he describes as the "perfect Christmas", she drops the bomb on him: We need a break. Or, more accurately, SHE needed a break. She even encouraged him to see other girls. Not a good sign. He told me this over the phone on his way home last week, and my heart stopped. I wanted them to work out, to be together. I love her, and I love him, and I love them TOGETHER. Furthermore, I don't trust me when I know he's single. So here I was, mad at Jay, confused about the relationship, on the phone with one of the most wonderful guys I've ever shared a bed with, and he's asking me to come keep him company that evening. I was torn, but I went, and nothing happened, but he has now started calling me "baby," which is my guilty pleasure of the month. He tells me I am second only to her, and she is now trying to move herself out of his life. Thankfully, things are unchanged between us, we aren't sleeping together, and he's obsessively focused on getting her back, so there's no weirdness between us, and I've held myself back from making any move on him.

Anyway, I spent last night with PB. We drank, of course, played Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, and watched Friends until 4 am. He slept on one couch, I slept on the other. It was wonderful. I got up and snuggled with him for about 30 seconds this morning, but otherwise I kept it clean. We both knew we were being there for each other. He needs someone more than I do, of course, but it was nice to have that haven and get away from everyone and everything for a night.

-There are a lot of other things going on. SW is in town, and I've seen him a few times. He's gained weight, but is still a huge whore, and is still very comfortable around gay guys. He kissed me on the lips at the gala, which was really nice. Jay cooked some steaks for us, SW, and JW while he was in town, and then I destroyed Jay and SW in Halo 3 (got a new TV and 360... catching up with the rest of the country!). SW and I have had a few talks about him and gay, and it's funny that he plays the cock-tease, and then makes sure to let me know that he's NEVER going to sleep with a guy just in case I'm trying to get him hooked up... He's a weird one.

-I need to study more. I need to be a genius. Jay calls me constantly, and I study very little now that he's in my life. Everyone else in my class is freaking out about board prep... I have some books, and I signed up for a course, but I've yet to REALLY start.

-Boy: Feel better. You pop up on my feed from time to time. We're both sick too much. My white cell counts were down when I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago, as was my vitamin D. Not sure if it was the "flu" I got while Jay was here in early December or something else. I tested negative for HIV in November, but if the counts are still down next month I have to go back... Between lack of sleep, lack of sun, alcohol, low vitamin D, and school stress... It's a wonder I'm not sick more than I am. Take care of yourself, Boy. You're a good guy. I miss talking to you sometimes. People tell me I shouldn't miss you, but they don't know you. I like that you never met anyone. It makes you MY story alone. Update sometime, let the world know how you're doing.

A new fave, good group, have a few new artists I've been into... Will try to remember to post them (and post more often).