I never remember my dreams. I never HAVE dreams, to my knowledge. But lately, I've been having vivid, intense, real dreams that I remember after I wake up. Some that stand out are two involving me having to invade a house where guys are holding friends/loved ones hostage (two separate dreams, same plot), and three sex dreams (which I NEVER have) involving 1) a big handsome guy, 2) a good friend from undergrad, and 3) a foursome with none other than JW, SW, and SN. (Hot? You bet your ass. Disturbing? You're damn straight.) I am not sure what this means. My sleep schedule has been off - I may have caught up last night with about 12 hours of solid sleep. The sex dreams are particularly interesting, since I never have those, and suddenly they popped up right when I was in NOLA. I don't want to think about it, but it probably means I'm sexually frustrated. I'm not sure what the hostage-situation, violent dreams mean. I know I killed a few guys in the one dream, and had intentions to in the other. I am usually the one running for his life in my dreams, about to be killed, not the one doing the killing. It seems odd that I have somehow got a better grip on my subconscious, like I'm in control now, and my dreams make more sense, and are on topics that interest me: sex and action. :)
I talked to my 'gay mentor' from Texas yesterday. He really doesn't like Jay. I take everything he says with a grain of salt. He's not my type of gay, really, but he has a mature, older, experienced perspective on things. He just didn't like my description of Jay, our sex life (like everyone else, he's kind of surprised to learn that I'm not the top, and Jason is not the bottom), and especially the financial situation. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place with this one, though: I'm not seeing Jay and I together in the long run at this point, but if I break it off, he's going to fall to pieces. Besides, I could certainly provide for him if he continues with his career of no directions. I wouldn't mind, I do love him deeply. He comes to visit Wednesday. I think this trip will really determine a lot of what happens in the future.
I ran into one of my first 'hook-ups', the one who actually cared. It wasn't awkward like I thought it was going to be, I was actually happy to see him. I apologized for treating him like crap, and he kind of understood, although he really wasn't hurt by our encounters and how I treated him after. He's dating someone now too. I am going to try to have lunch and talk to him sometime soon. We'll see how that goes.
I've been morbidly attracted to MPD lately. We spend a fair amount of time together, and I truly care for him. I'm getting better at controlling my feelings and their physical manifestations, thankfully, so seeing him half-naked the other day didn't affect me the same way. He is going through so much right now, and he went to take his mom to the ER last night because of chest pain. I am planning on taking care of him when he gets back... which will be complicated by the fact that Jay will be in town, and MPD's ex/friend from across the country will be here, as will his mom, for his lymph node biopsy/surgery. I told Jay about his surgery already, though, so he knows a little what to expect.
So lemme tell you about the other night... EPIC. Started with my workout (pushed myself pretty hard, was proud of it) then went to MPD's for a shower. We then went out and met some other 2nd years for a drink and some dinner at the bar. MPD was done after two beers, so I took him home. It was nice, though, JW was there, I hadn't seen him in three days, so I was hugging on him and just enjoying being around him and MPD. After I dropped MPD off at home, I texted JW to let me know what else was going down, since it was still early and I wasn't tired. What ended up happening was 5 guys went and crashed an all-girl, PJ, slumber party. We (well, JW) lit a bag of dog shit on fire on the porch, after which we threw pebbles at the windows, after which the girls chased us down and gave us cookies. Oh, and one of the guys ran into the house in just his boxers. Classic awesomeness. We went back to JW's and some of the guys smoked cigars and we had a good talk and laugh... JW was so laid back and fun that night, and I just kept looking at him thinking, God, what a handsome guy, and such a good friend. He informed me he was leaving the next day (Saturday) and not coming back until next Sunday... I was very saddened by this and didn't want to say goodbye.
So THEN I went home and started texting PB. At one point, I said "get back here, dammit, i effing miss you!" (He's been on spring break all week.) To which he replied, "surprise, just got home, come over if you want to hang." I was out the door in five minutes, and stayed up until 4 AM with him watching movies and laughing. It felt like old times: we lay on the couch together, heads at opposite ends, legs intertwined. I made him sit between my legs at one point for a back rub, and then we went to sleep on separate couches. I went out in the morning, got my body fat checked with my trainer (14.8%, not bad, slowing decreasing!), and then bought supplies for huevos rancheros at the grocery store before returning to PB's and cooking him breakfast. Afterward, we got back on the couch under a blanket and watched another movie, his arms around my feet, my elbow hooked over his ankles. Just the sheer physical closeness of him was healing, soothing, and I could have cried I was so happy. I didn't get a boner once, didn't feel anything but love for him. No bitterness for things that can't be, just joy in having him back in my life and being able to be close without things being awkward. (I was laughing as I thought to myself today that it would be funny if I went to the wives of the guys I've been in the bed with and asked them how it felt to know I had cuddled, spooned, or slept with their man long before they had in ways they probably do now. I'll bet that would go over well.)
That's about it for now. There are other little things, like meeting my lesbian friend's gay couple friends, going out to a movie with them, learning the handsome mysterious man I see out all the time is gay and goes to my church, going out again last night with the intern from the trip to Central America and thinking how fucking good looking he is and how nice he is to me, or the fact that I am not studying at all this weekend and am so far behind in board prep but I still am watching hulu TV seasons again, and now I have a netflix account, so I can watch movies on my computer, so I've been watching comedians, such as Lisa Lampanelli, Kathy Griffin, Margaret Cho, and Louis C.K. (who I now love).
But we won't mention those.
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