post i've been working on since May

in lieu of the longer post i'm working on, here's my angst-y post for today.

why do we, as humans, pursue the thing that is worst for us? why do we run from the things that are simple, pat answers? we desire complexity and drama and tumult. it doesn't make sense. the kinder virtues are frowned upon, and the ability to lie, deceive, and get ahead in life by any means possible is lauded. i am frustrated by this turn-everything-on-its-head approach to life.

of course, i'm guilty of it too. i go after the guys who are impossible (the ones who really can't stand me, the ones i creep out, the ones who are straight, the ones who make it clear they're ignoring me or are not interested in me) and shun the ones who adore me (DD, Jay, the stalker FF). i even do it to girls. there are several (large) females who would love to date/marry me. i won't have it. not for a second. i can take my boys large; i need some meat on a girl, but not the fat. i say that i want to be in love, i want a relationship, i want someone nice and sweet and kind; i have found that no, i don't. i want sex. i want someone who needs me for little more than my body. i don't want them sweet or nice, either, at least not all the time. i want things to get dirty, nasty, kinky. i want someone who will kiss me, sure. but i also want someone to pull my hair, spit in my face, call me all kinds of ugly names and use words like "fuck" "whore" "slut" "bitch", and can take it when i do the same back to them. nothing turns me on more than someone who can go from zero to fuck in nothing flat.

through my relationship with jay, i discovered a lot about myself. i value things that i didn't think i did, or that i thought i shouldn't. i liked him because he was sweet, and kind, and romantic, and funny, yes. but i also liked him because he was good looking, and had a decent cock, and, in the beginning, a desire to pump my ass multiple times a week. once that was gone, though, i had little interest in him.

for some reason, DD is now appealing to me. sure, he's not that attractive, but he's got a thick cock and a filthy mind. i sent him a photo text of my ass the day after i broke up with jay (that's in the long post) and said "guess who's single?" he immediately called and wanted to know when i was coming down so he could "fuck your mouth, rape your ass, and coat the back of your throat with my cum." i, of course, jerked off on the phone while he was talking to me (like i have every time he's called for the past 3 years). i don't actually know when i'm going to see him, but i hope it's soon.

a part of me feels terrible writing these things, but it's honesty. do i still value true friendships, loving people, kindness? sure. i couldn't make it without JW and PB (although i honestly would love to sex both of them up). i want friends, yes. i want to date again, yes. but i also want some guys to just get down and dirty with. is that too much to ask?