Patron Tequila and Glitter

Ok, so maybe there was very little glitter involved in the previous week, but there was a LOT of tequila. My liver and pancreas are on medical leave until further notice. (In all actuality, I think I drank Jay under the table most days... until the Superbowl happened.)

Breaking it down:

-Alcohol: Most of Jay's good friends are bar-tenders, so I basically drank heavily every day I was in NOLA. I finally experienced full-out happy-go-lucky, bumping into everything, stumbling around giggling like a schoolgirl, everything is awesome SMASH DRUNK. I usually won't let myself get drunk, but I was feeling good that night.

-Animals: We went to the zoo, aquarium, and insectarium while I was there, and I loved it. My favorite was the insectarium, although aquariums always fascinate me (rays and jellies, baby). I am now determined to re-make my awesome bug collection that I had in undergrad and display it on the wall of my house (when I have one).






-Mardi Gras: The parades started when I got to town. The first was Krewe du Vieux. I saw a good number more, but that was the "adult," politically charged parade. I saw parents bringing their very young children out for that one. Poor choices. I say if you have money to travel to NOLA for vacation, you fucking have money to hire a babysitter. Geez. Anyhoo, Jay is pretty caught up the whole parade thing and talks about the 'good throws' (i.e. good items thrown by the crewes). I don't really get it, but whatever, it's New Orleans.

One of the other parades I saw was a second line for Buddy Diliberto. It was basically a bunch of sportscasters, college jocks, and older men dressed in drag marching in a parade for the late sportscaster who said if the Saints ever made it to the Superbowl, he would commentate in drag. Well, he didn't, because he died, but that parade... Too funny.







-Sex: We had it once. I was there for ten days. Obviously, this is a problem. One night, we were kind of drunk, and in bed, and he brought up the fact that he feels he doesn't please me sexually all the time. I had to admit that, yeah, I could stand to be fucked a little more often than once a month. He told me he'd try harder, but he just doesn't get horny every day like I do. It was another 3 days before he tried again... and went soft while inside of me. What followed was nothing short of heart-breaking. He went to the bathroom, threw away the condom (more on that in a second), climbed back into bed, curled up into my arms, and burst into sobs. I cannot even imagine the emotional pain he's in. He's just a little shy of 30, and already having ED-like symptoms. I told him I was still in love with him, he still did it for me, and I didn't think that sex was THAT big of a deal... even though it is, and we both know that.

The problem, folks, is this: he tells me he jerks of multiple times a day when I'm not there, and has a porn addiction. I asked him what he thinks about when he jerks off, and he said he thinks about me... me topping him, me fucking some other guy... I got real quiet. Neither of those things are happening. He can't bottom, and I'm not going to drag someone else into our already unstable relationship.

Drugs: By the end of the week, he had suggested 3 things: a third person in the bed, Viagra so he could keep it up, and poppers so he could bottom. No, no, and no. I think the only thing I'd be ok with is the Viagra. I am REALLY not into poppers. Is it wrong for me to want a man who desires ME sexually, and just me, and gets hard because of me without the help of a drug? I feel horrible thinking about it. However, it doesn't seem wrong to want a guy who loves having one-on-one, bareback, wild, passionate sex.

Sex Again: About the condom--he has this weird thing now where he a) won't let me rim him, b) won't rim, finger, or fuck me unless I've showered, washed, and/or done an enema, or he's hammered, (with the added stipulation that I can't even pass gas before he does anything down there) and c) wears a condom if he thinks I'm not clean enough. It's fucking weird. I understand the aversion, hell, I've blown him when he smells RAUNCHY and the ONE time I rimmed him he wasn't 100% smelling like a rose. I didn't care though. I loved it. He forcefully made me stop.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Basically my hand got me off every time while I was there, and he only went down on me if I asked him to. (He doesn't lack a gag reflex like I do...) I can do that while I'm at home. My hand is pretty good still, lemme tell you. He agreed to finger me twice so I could get off, but he passed on me returning the favor. I think he came a total of 3 times while I was there, maybe 4. True, we tried new stuff: he came in my mouth, I came on his face, I handcuffed and blindfolded him and had some fun with him. But it's still frustrating to be the one who expects some form of sex every day.

I told JW that it's basically the same relationship I have with PB: we hang out, we do fun stuff with friends, we play video games, we get hammered, we cuddle. The only difference is we make out and get each other off once in a while. If PB and I started jerking off together (and I could see it happening) it'd basically be the same thing. And while I love Jay and he truly is my best friend... He's supposed to be my lover, my man, my boyfriend. He calls me hubby. I can't say it back. It doesn't feel like it. I told him I sometimes doubt I turn him on at all, that I'm not sexually appealing to him.

It's a problem. And I don't know what to do about it.

-Jealousy: As I've written about before, Jay is VERY jealous (and yet he fantasizes about me screwing another guy... weird). It plays out in a lot of ways. I met his bar-tender friend, SS. SS is 27, but looks and acts 18. He's cute, has a little bit of the gay voice (not the lisp, but the affectation), and is a bit simple-minded. His boyfriend/husband is in his 30's, and is long-distance, so after one conversation, we had a lot in common, and hit it off really well. I made the stupid mistake of letting Jay see how much I liked him. SS invited us to a potluck the next day, and Jay found about 20 reasons not to go. I was so mad. I knew he totally wanted to go, but didn't want me hanging out with SS. Well, Jay worked a few days while I was there, and I spent most of those times with SS. The one time I went out bowling with him and his classmates. He spent a good portion of the time with me, bowling in the lane with me and another guy. It was fun, and we had good talks, and I told him about Jay being jealous of him. He understood, and told me my relationship with Jay was a lot like his with his bf, except SS is the jealous one and is also ready for marriage. Whatever. Well, we met Jay at the bar after he got off work, and I had a lot on my mind. Jay could tell I was moody and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no. I couldn't even look at him really, and just kept quiet through everything he was saying. At one point, he leaned over and said quietly in my ear, "You know how jealous I was of you tonight?" I almost started crying. I can't take that. I'm not doing ANYTHING wrong. I'm young, horny, and moderately attractive, and had several guys telling me I'm cute and trying to get into a threesome with Jay and I. (There were SEVERAL of those guys, not all of them unattractive!) He doesn't engage in sex with me very often at all. Yet I somehow stay faithful to him, and pour my time, money, and attention into him. And then he's JEALOUS when I hang out with his good-looking friend who I hit it off with and am making friends with?!

Something. Has. Got. To. Give.

DD called 5 times while I was there. I'm ok with Jay being upset/jealous about that. I didn't answer once. I texted him that Jay wouldn't like him calling me. He still kept calling. Retard.

I met FT again. He's still handsome, funny, and a total man-whore. He didn't put off any gay vibe at all, but then again, we were in a restaurant with his hag. I swear she must know about him being bi-curious, but I doubt it's anything he engages in on a frequent basis. I think Jay would go NUTS if he knew I was actively pursuing a friendship with him and his hag. It sucks that I have to choose what I can and can't tell him so as to avoid his jealousy flaring up.

I talked to the boy for the first time in months on-line last night for two hours. It was nice having a friend who, unlike JW, can relate. (JW is great for telling me to get over it/just do it/stop whining. The boy listens and understands from the perspective of a bi/vers man.) In retrospect, that, more than anything else, would make Jay rage with jealousy. In my mind, though, he tells me about going out for drinks with his EXES (plural), and talking to them, and helping them through their problems, and I don't get jealous or tell him I don't like it. I don't see it as a big deal to catch up with the boy for a little while. I know, however, that Jay would have a fit. It's not fair, and it's a double standard.

-Exhibitionism: Ok, remember how Jay doesn't get hard or horny in the bedroom much? And how he fantasizes about a third? And how when he was here he was telling me he was taking me to the sex clubs and bath house and gay country club to fuck me while people watched? Well... I think it might be his thing, and that's not my thing. I told him no WAY we were going to those places. (I mean, we're boring anyway, I doubt we actually WOULD have done it if I had said yes.) Some things disturbed me, tho: a LOT of people told me they've seen the pictures of my ass that Jay took when he was here and slapped them (hard), leaving red hand-prints on them. I wonder if some of them have seen the other pictures I sent. He attempted several times to get me to show his friends my cock, and tried to pull my pants and underwear down twice in the bar. (Most of this was while he was drunk, which is when he gets horny...) During the Superbowl, he tried to get me to go out on the balcony to suck me off. I was mortified. He also started giving me a hand-job under the bar, which was actually pretty cool with me, but again... Why does he wait until we're in public to get turned on? Come to think of it, it's only a) when he's drunk or b) when other people are around that he's all over me. (He got hammered one of the first nights we were there, and he literally TORE my boxers and gave me an awesome blow job/fuck. But that was it for the whole trip.) I'm kind of worried about how much he gets sexually active when we're around other people. If I were someone else, I would fucking love it. But I'm me, and I have to be true to me, and I don't like it. Not yet. Not when I'm still counting how many times I've had sex behind closed doors on two hands.

-Threesomes: Besides friends who wanted to get double-teamed (stupid bottom twinks) there were two guys who were interested in getting a piece of us, or that Jay wanted to invite into the bedroom: one was this guy he met last week who has the hots for Jay, the other is one of Jay's managers. The former is unattractive and boring, but thinks he deserves better than the cute guy that liked him at the bar, and wanted to get my bf in the sack. The latter was one of those great straight guys who is totally comfortable around the gays, and he and I had a GREAT talk about his many wild fucks with nymphomatic females. The bi guy in me got pretty worked up, lemme tell you. Jay told me he imagines this guy in really good in bed, and I had to agree, and Jay said he wouldn't mind sex with him and me... (Now mind you, this guy isn't really in GREAT shape, and isn't the BEST looker, but he's ok looking, and he's fun, so it all cancels out.) The former would have definitely joined in; the latter would have laughed us off. Either way, totally not ready to conquer a threesome. I think that's one of those thing I would have to do drunk and while I'm single, not when I'm in a relationship with one of the guys.

-Money: Ok, so, let's get real here. I'm living on loans. But they're BIG loans, due to special circumstances that give me the ability to have more financial flexibility than my classmates. Jay knows this. Jay has no bank account. He deals with tips, and just carries the cash around. Therefore, I am left taking care of almost all expenses while we're together. I think this trip was close to 3 or 4 grand all told. That's fucking expensive. What got to me was this: Jay would sometimes tell me Hey, buy this, or Hey, go get that, or Hey, tip this waiter a lot more than you were planning. I kept quiet about it, but it started to bug me. I mean, yeah, I have a lot of money, or at least I HAD a lot of money. But it got to the point where I realized he was being wasteful, especially tipping and buying drinks. On Superbowl night, for instance, he chugged two of MY drinks (when he had a full cup of liquor in front of him) just to be funny. I was so frustrated; I had to wait until the bartender wasn't busy AGAIN and order the drink AGAIN and spend that much more money AGAIN and then Jay would insist the tip be that much MORE. It's not his money. We don't have a joint bank account. I don't ask him for ANYTHING. Not for his plane tickets, hotel rooms, dinner, drinks, NOTHING. Is it wrong that I don't think he should have that much control on what I spend? I think not.

-Warm Fuzzies: Ok, so I bitched a lot. But honestly, I was happy to be with Jay. When all that mess isn't getting in the way, we're really fun to be around. We love each other. We stay wrapped in each others' arms and make out a good bit. We play video games together. We walk around town and sing together and share stories and are actually INTERESTED in what the other one has to say. Basically, we're really good friends (who make out) who love each other deeply. As lovers, though, we're struggling. Bad. I sometimes would lie in his arms and wish it would never end. I need that kind of intimacy, and I rarely get it.

-Gossip: People are spreading a rumor about SW that he has told someone he is bi, and has invited another guy into a threesome with him and FT's hag, who he fucks on occasion. I have been adamantly crusading against this rumor, based primarily on the fact that he did not have sex with FT when he wanted it, and also did not have sex with the gays and strippers and porn stars and models in Cali when he went out there for his photo-shoot. (Oh, and the fact that he pounds pussy like a blacksmith pounds iron.) However, the rumors are getting more and more prevalent, and I told him today that if I find out that I've been defending a lie, I am going to punch him in the cunt. We'll see how this turns out.

-Undercover Straights: Ok, this was kind of funny. One of the bar-tenders struck me as someone who could have passed for a really, really uber-straight college guy if not for the lisp. I teased him and his bf the whole trip that he was actually straight and was just acting gay to get pussy. Everyone laughed at that, and he thought it was funny. I was kind of serious the first time I said it. He honestly seemed straight, and multiple times during the week he did things that were patently un-gay. I told SW he should come with me next time posing as gay to get a hot chick to sleep with him. Totally could work.

-Irony: Karaoke night rolled around, and Jay sang a FANTASTIC song from a musical. (He actually has a great voice, and when he hit the high note at the end of the song I got teary-eyed.) I attempted to find something to sing, but was struck by the fact that anything I would sing in a straight bar to get a laugh was actually standard fare at a gay bar. I texted SW and told him "I can't sing Celine or Britney, they take that shit serious here." I told Jay that it wasn't humorous to sing that kind of music at the bar, and he said, without seeing my text, "No, they take that shit seriously here." I about bust a gut laughing.

-Da Supabowl: Um, so, that was an awesome night. The city was unbelievable. Gay men cried for joy when the final countdown finished. The bar went nuts. The streets went nuts. The city went berserk. I don't think I even understand just how much this win means to that city. Sure, it's just football. But, dammit, it's the Superbowl, and it's some GOOD news about NOLA. They need it. (Jay was cut off from the bar... He was a little happy!)
Bourbon within 15 minutes of the win:


-Rock and Roll: (See the theme? Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, Rock and Roll? Ha.) Ok, so it's not really rock and roll, it's gay bar music.

First, the most beautiful performance I've seen in years. Jay and I were at the Pub when we saw this, and we both were moved to... well, almost tears.

Pink - Glitter In The Air (Live @ 52nd Annual Grammy Awards) - Watch more Music Videos at Vodpod.

And then there is all this stuff. Yes, this is actually what they played at the gay bars. Yes, I wrote it down.

















Note: Besides typical artists who are popular with gays like Cher, Sean Ensign, etc, there is now a few artists that actually used to work in porn. It's worse than Joaquin Phoenix doing what shit he does. Colton Ford, while a hot daddy, sucks as a musical venture.



I'm not even going to bother with Georgie Porgie or whatever his name was.

The one person from porn I'd like to see do music, or at least the rest of the song: Francois Sagat.



Still one of my favorite youtube vids of all time.

EDIT: Forgot this one: The Tim Tebow ad came on during the Superbowl... and the gay bar BOOED. I'm not sure if it's because it was Tebow, or Focus on the Family, or what... but I wasn't impressed by the booing. I like Tebow, I grew up with Focus on the Family, and I'm pretty strongly pro-life. Why the hell would gays care anyway? (Boy: Sometimes I think you look like Tebow. Has anyone ever said that? You should use him as your Doppelganger on FB.)



EDIT EDIT: I met BrettCajun for all of 10 seconds. It was a bad night for Jay. We had to go, but I happened to finally spot him at the Pub, and said hello. He's short, looks just like his pictures, and sounds like you think he would. Nice guy. Feel kinda bad about not meeting up with him again, but I don't even know if he was in the city after that. It was fun though, meeting someone I've only known about through blogging on the interwebs...

Who-Effing-Dat?

If you live under a rock, you might not know, but the SAINTS won the Superbowl last night! Not only was this their FIRST Superbowl appearance, but, as mentioned, they WON. I watched the whole thing in a wonderful bar in the gay district of NOLA, and then was dragged (somewhat unwillingly) into Oz, upstairs and onto the balcony to witness the jubilation that was Bourbon Street. (Pictures to come.) As Jay said repeatedly for weeks, this city needed a win. They needed something to party about again. Sure, Bourbon Street is still the epicenter of revelry and debauchery... but man, if you saw the aerial images of New Orleans last night, you KNOW the whole city was flooding the streets and shouting "Who Dat?!" in joy and drunken elation.

As a side note, I bought jerseys for Jay and myself, which cost me my first child, which is alright, because I'm sort of gay. It was the first time I've ever bought a jersey. Most likely the last.

I am in the airport in NOLA, getting ready for boarding. Hopefully they have a seat for me on this plane... I would like to be home tonight, please.

Much, much, much more later.

shorthand

-tests are going better than usual. i think. might have made a 100 on a quiz this morning. yay.

-people have been putting all kinds of sexual comments on my fb wall lately... all of them with gay references. oh geez.

-jay and i called each other 11 times yesterday. not a record, but still a lot. he still is killing the sexual aura, but everything else is going smoothly, and i really love this guy.

-introduced PB to JP, who went on the trip, and JP knew PB's ex, and it was funny, and they hit it off, and then i drove JP home b/c we had been drinking, and we had pancakes the next morning when i picked him up to get his car, and we talked for a long time, and i can tell we're gonna be friends. he's a softie. and hot. and young. and tans. and wrestles. and has washboard abs. and is really nice. and funny.

-i'm going to be about 2 hours away from here for some of my rotations next year. things are looking good, though, b/c i can still live w PB while i rotate through here. yay.

-my trainer was in a FOUL mood today when i got in, and i was worried he'd take it out on me... but halfway through the workout, he looked at me and said, "you'll notice i'm in a much better mood now that you're here. anyone ever tell you that you have a way of brightening things?" i had to smile at that one. i go there with the goal of making him smile and laugh. he's extremely serious and goal-oriented, and it's nice to see his broad smile once in a while. (he also told me i'm looking slim... 200+ sit-ups a day and dieting are starting to work!)

-jay mentioned getting engaged again today, offhandedly, in a convo involving another gay couple getting engaged, and i shit a brick. almost threw up on the spot. not even close to ready for that.

-2 topics: barebacking and top/bottom.

barebacking: the boy and i didn't wear anything when we messed around. jay wore a condom the first time we had sex. he hasn't since we both got tested. i'm totally down with going bareback IF you are in a relationship. however, there are a lot of guys who get off on barebacking complete strangers, and i have to say, as someone in the healthcare profession THIS IS FUCKING RETARDED. i totally understand, don't get me wrong, it is kinda hot to think about, but this "barebacking coalition" thing going on is a bit much. no wonder there are such GREAT stereotypes about us gay men. it's because they're true.

top/bottom: i used to think it wasn't a huge fucking deal, mostly because i feel i can enjoy both equally. i have almost exclusively bottomed thus far, and that's fine with me. if given the chance, though, you'd better believe i'm going to top! it was a huge rush trying it with jay. loved it, loved it, loved it. (i am still counting on 2 hands the number of times i've even had a dick in me and my dick in someone else, so pretty much all sex is good sex to me right now.) apparently, though, it IS a HUGE deal to a lot of guys out there, and not only that, but there are still some guys who assume that you can stereotype both tops and bottoms. not always the case. basically what i'm saying is that it SHOULDN'T be such a huge deal, and you SHOULDN'T try to stereotype someone as one or the other based on body type/personality/etc. if it means that much to you, cool, let everyone know so you don't mistakenly end up with someone just like you. however, i think ALL gays should be vers, it would help out with their insecurity issues. besides it's just plain fun that way. (i asked the one guy to top me last summer over text, and he was a total girl about it. he didn't want to top OR bottom. he had issues.)

i've had caffeine, can you tell? going to study, 3 exams left!

Side Dish

I ate lunch at JW's. In the middle of my wrap, I mentioned, "It's been a year today since [the boy] first contacted me." Without looking up from studying, he said, "Let it gooooooo..." I almost fell out of my chair laughing. He was right, of course. I was going to blog about it, make a big deal about it, recount our 9 months of [insert word for relationship/friendship], but you know, a year later is just a good time as any to let it go...

They say you never forget your first love. I probably won't. I might not even get over him. But it's ok. I'm learning to laugh at myself, to stop being a melodramatic softie, and to move on.

The sun has finally broken thru the clouds today (literally, not poetically) and I'm trying to soak up some much needed vitamin D. Damn exams.

Finals Week

Stress! Ok, so I usually don't stress, but I am now. I have to pass all my classes because I already have my flight and hotel booked to go see Jay... (gulp) I currently have an F in Pharm, which could change easily tomorrow... or I could fail that one too and end up HERE over the break. So much to learn, so little time... Ever since I met Jay, I have become even MORE of a slacker, basically not studying at all and spending all my time talking to him and planning the next time we'll be together. That ended a few days ago, and I got serious about school. He's understanding, but he doesn't like coming 2nd to my schooling. I failed 2 tests last week, tho, and I realized I couldn't go on like that. JW chewed me out pretty good about not being honest with people and told me I'm brilliant and if I could see the stupid things I'm doing, I would change everything. I know he's right. I don't say what I mean to DD or Jay or my stalker, I spend so much time "with" Jay, and I hang out with PB and drink as often as I can, which COMPLETELY destroys my studying for the night. I was told this past weekend that I need to obsess more. It's now written on my mirror in the bathroom. So far, so good, studying like I used to, shaving, eating regularly, etc. Trying to get all my ducks in a row. Not easy.

So the Saints are going to the Superbowl! I REALLY do not care about sports whatsoever, BUT this one is kind of personal. See, my baby is a waiter in NOLA. Last night he called me several times to let me just LISTEN to the wildness and celebration of the crowd. The Saints doing well in football=him doing well in tips and making lots of green. He's been telling me for about 3 or 4 weeks now that he hopes the Saints make it to the Superbowl because it would mean GREAT business for the whole city. A bartender friend of his commented last night that it was like Mardi Gras early when the Saints scored in overtime. With Mardi Gras starting this weekend (when I get there!), and the Superbowl right smack-dab in the middle of the festivities... It's gonna be a good year for commerce in NOLA... and for my baby.

While in NOLA, might get a chance to meet a blogger I've known about and followed on-and-off since I started this blog over a year ago, BrettCajun, who I mentioned a while back. Should be fun! FT and his hag (love her!) are going to NOLA the day after I leave. Poop. Just as well. Jay doesn't need to see one of the guys I previously considered hooking up with.

It's someone's birthday. :)

Happy 23rd, big guy. Look back at this time last year, who you were, how your life was going... I know things aren't looking incredible right now...

But my wish for you is that you can see the difference, and somehow find hope for the future.

All the best, Boy. Happy, happy, happy birthday. I love you, kiddo.

PS, there is actually a guy in my class who reminds me of this video... Except his girlfriend is in Bosnia. True story. Thanks for introducing me to 'quality music.'

Trouble in Paradise

"Damn, damn, damn, DAMN!" -Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"


There is no way I can summarize what has happened, what is happening, and what is going to happen, in any succinct fashion.



Except, of course, bullet points.

-The trip was amazing. I love medical missions. This time the group was upbeat, excited, and enthusiastic every day, no matter what. Last time 1, maybe 2 got sick, and it was THE END OF THE WORLD. This time 5 or 6 got sick, and while it was a concern, it wasn't a big deal to most of the kids on the trip. We went to a bunch of orphanages and such, did well-child check-ups, saw a few sick kids, and did a clinic day where we saw over 200 people. but we also had a beach day at the end of the week on New Year's Day just to have an actual vacation and enjoy the beautiful surf, sand, and sun. New Years Eve was spent at the resort near the beach that we stayed at for Beach Day. (We spent 3 day at the Hilton in the capitol of the country and 3 days at the beach-side resort... I know, suffering for medicine...) We spent the hours leading up to midnight on the outdoor covered dance floor, drinks in hand, on the beach, in the waves... I got a wee bit tipsy and decided to go wading in my shorts and shirt. The water was warm, and the night was clear with a light breeze. I waded in up to my knees, hiking my shorts up... until the bottoms got wet, and then I let them down a little, at which point I got wet to my waist, which included the bottom of my shirt... Needless to say I was soaking within minutes and gloriously happy. I talked with a sweet girl (who was also wading and carrying a beer) for about 45 minutes, maybe more, I don't know, about me and Jay and love and relationships and the state of things as they pertain to politics, liberation, and gay marriage. At some point two of the guys on the trip came dashing past us in nothing but their boxer briefs... It was two of the first years, one of whom is the Dean's son. Being slightly drunk, I hollered cat calls and slightly inappropriate statements at them. I think they liked it. The Dean's son is kind of hot, having played football in undergrad and still has all his muscles filled out and his stomach hasn't filled in... And of course, his boxer briefs were nice and small, and clung to his skin after being soaked in ocean water, so it was like he had painted on his briefs, and pretty much every detail was showing... I'm a perv. :) When midnight rolled around, we all gathered on the beach and toasted with champagne as the entire coastline lit up with fireworks. (These people may be poor but they know how to party... It's a strange dichotomy.) After things calmed down, me and several other students dug our feet into the sand (and got bit by sand mites) and I kept them entertained with a "talk show" for 2 hours straight. (I get a little hyper when I'm tipsy, and often it leads to hilarity.) It was honestly one of the best New Year's I've ever experienced.

-Jay came to visit me again in early January. Things were going well between us, and while I found some of his habits and tics a little annoying, on the whole I could not have been happier. (You will please read the following paragraph patiently, dear reader, I may sound like I am a nit-picking whiner.) Basically, Jay came into town for the big annual winter ball/gala, which was a masquerade this year. He brought us AWESOME masks from NOLA, which were a huge hit at the gala. (Everyone wanted to touch them, wear them, buy them...) My tux no longer fits, which is awesome because I've lost a bunch of weight, but it would have been nice to realize that before putting it on as the gala began. Oh well. Jay and I were in HIGH demand, and spent very little time on the dance floor (don't regret that too much, but wish the night had been longer and drunk people passing out hadn't fucked up the night for everyone else!), as we were in a bunch of hotel rooms drinking the night away and being interrogated by all my friends who have been DYING to meet Jay. It was a good night.

The VISIT however... In brief, we had actual sex once, he refused to have sex with me at least twice, lost his hard-on as we were about to do it on the last night, laughed at me several times when I would start giving him a BJ at random times of the day and then pushed me away, and could not handle me being the top at ALL when he (finally) let me try. All in all, a very sexually frustrating weekend. The one side of me doesn't care, since sex is not the most important thing in the world to me, and 2 years ago I never even thought I would have sex if I were dating anyone. However, it IS an important part of the relationship, we ARE just getting started, and for crying out loud, I feel like I don't turn him on at all! He just has to get undressed and I can't get soft.

Furthermore, the problem moved out of the bedroom and into our conversations with other people. Jay has the habit of making us sound like two sex-crazed animals, when in reality we're like an old married couple. He talks about EXACTLY what we do in bed, shows people (in NOLA) pics I send meant only for him, and shares my "dirty" texts with his co-workers. He has been talking to me-and other people-about the sex clubs/bath houses he's going to bring me to when I visit NOLA in 2 weeks. Honestly, I'm not sure what to think. If he can't bring himself to fuck with me in the bedroom, why should we drag it all out in front of other people? Does he NEED other people around to feel sexy, to be stimulated? Is that why he brings up our sex life when other people are around? I sincerely doubt we're ACTUALLY going to engage in sex with each other, much less anyone else, while we're out in public, because even if that's what HE needs to get off, I'm still counting on two hands the amount of times I've had ACTUAL penetration sex, and it's still a huge novelty to me. I'm just fine fooling around in the bedroom, and I really get into foreplay (sometimes dragging it out for 1-2 hours...).

JW noticed the part where Jay talks about our sex life and me being gay a LOT, and it made him really uncomfortable. He knows me as me, not Jay's gay bf. He's been good to talk to, and he says I need to talk this all over with Jay. I plan on it when I go to NOLA, but it makes my end of the phone conversations a little strained. He was perfectly happy to just cuddle and sleep while he was here, and he's happy to just coo sweet nothings at me on the phone the whole time (I miss you, can't wait to see you, I love you, you're so good to me, I adore you, etc.), but I feel this nagging in my mind to TALK about the serious things in our relationship. Does he realize what rotations are going to be like for me? Is he REALLY willing to leave NOLA and move closer so we can be together for the next 2 years? (DOUBTFUL.) I find out this month where I'll be for 3rd year; the gears will be in motion after that.

All in all, the relationship is a little rocky right now. I have questions and concerns. Jay has unrealistic views on how this thing should work, or how it DOES work. That's all I know for now, I'm sure this one's not over...

-Went to visit Granny for her b'day with my fam (except Dad) and all her children/grandchildren on my Mom's side. It was great, and miserable. Almost killed my older brother. I have not been that emotionally drained for a long, long time. He is literally going insane, and the paranoia/antisocial behavior is getting worse as he continues to use and abuse the various drugs and herbals he's completely sold on. I left yesterday and texted a few people, telling them I was coming back to town and needed some company. Who responded first... PB.

Ok, so back up: Remember PB and his girl were having trouble in December? Well, after what he describes as the "perfect Christmas", she drops the bomb on him: We need a break. Or, more accurately, SHE needed a break. She even encouraged him to see other girls. Not a good sign. He told me this over the phone on his way home last week, and my heart stopped. I wanted them to work out, to be together. I love her, and I love him, and I love them TOGETHER. Furthermore, I don't trust me when I know he's single. So here I was, mad at Jay, confused about the relationship, on the phone with one of the most wonderful guys I've ever shared a bed with, and he's asking me to come keep him company that evening. I was torn, but I went, and nothing happened, but he has now started calling me "baby," which is my guilty pleasure of the month. He tells me I am second only to her, and she is now trying to move herself out of his life. Thankfully, things are unchanged between us, we aren't sleeping together, and he's obsessively focused on getting her back, so there's no weirdness between us, and I've held myself back from making any move on him.

Anyway, I spent last night with PB. We drank, of course, played Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, and watched Friends until 4 am. He slept on one couch, I slept on the other. It was wonderful. I got up and snuggled with him for about 30 seconds this morning, but otherwise I kept it clean. We both knew we were being there for each other. He needs someone more than I do, of course, but it was nice to have that haven and get away from everyone and everything for a night.

-There are a lot of other things going on. SW is in town, and I've seen him a few times. He's gained weight, but is still a huge whore, and is still very comfortable around gay guys. He kissed me on the lips at the gala, which was really nice. Jay cooked some steaks for us, SW, and JW while he was in town, and then I destroyed Jay and SW in Halo 3 (got a new TV and 360... catching up with the rest of the country!). SW and I have had a few talks about him and gay, and it's funny that he plays the cock-tease, and then makes sure to let me know that he's NEVER going to sleep with a guy just in case I'm trying to get him hooked up... He's a weird one.

-I need to study more. I need to be a genius. Jay calls me constantly, and I study very little now that he's in my life. Everyone else in my class is freaking out about board prep... I have some books, and I signed up for a course, but I've yet to REALLY start.

-Boy: Feel better. You pop up on my feed from time to time. We're both sick too much. My white cell counts were down when I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago, as was my vitamin D. Not sure if it was the "flu" I got while Jay was here in early December or something else. I tested negative for HIV in November, but if the counts are still down next month I have to go back... Between lack of sleep, lack of sun, alcohol, low vitamin D, and school stress... It's a wonder I'm not sick more than I am. Take care of yourself, Boy. You're a good guy. I miss talking to you sometimes. People tell me I shouldn't miss you, but they don't know you. I like that you never met anyone. It makes you MY story alone. Update sometime, let the world know how you're doing.

A new fave, good group, have a few new artists I've been into... Will try to remember to post them (and post more often).