Quick note: Just cut the boy off from every angle I could think of. Hurt so fucking bad. I just can't deal with it anymore though. Knowing we're still somewhat connected... I can't cope. It's killing me.
Taking that first step to getting over him. Or maybe it's like the tenth step. Either way, I have to keep going with my life.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
From the Start
I bought some PostSecret books from B&N last week. I have a severe book addiction when I'm in that store... I was flipping through one tonight in my imaginary down-time, and I came across one that said "you are the worst thing that ever happened to me... and i miss you so much." It was a head shot of two men bundled in winter clothes nose-to-nose in intimate black-and-white. I doubt I have to describe how it made me feel.
I decided I have to chronicle thing the way they happened from the start. I'm having trouble sorting all the details out, so here goes:
I was born about a quarter century ago in the North East of the USA. My family has always been lower-middle class, and pretty normal and well-adjusted. (For a while, anyway.) I am #2 of several children, and have the distinct marking of a second child. I am the peacemaker, the go-between, the sensitive one. I am not hard to please, and I (usually) did not have to hog the spotlight. I was used to living in my older brother's shadow. I love my family very much, always have. They have issues, but they work through them. Well, most of the time.
I was living out on the West coast when the first urges started. I had a crush on this cute girl at church. We planned out our wedding. We were confident little rugrats, about 7 years old and all ready to settle down and play house. And then there was RB. What I found out years later was an older boy at school was teaching RB about sex to mess with his young mind, and he was just ready to explode with the glorious news. Unfortunately, he had no idea what the older boy was talking about, so what he communicated to me was a little fuzzy in detail, and never really made sense. We played some odd games, though, RB and I, one in particular where we were father and son, and he would "skateboard" when I told him not to, and as punishment I would kill him. I know, total 180 from my stance on child-rearing these days. The WAY I would do it, though, was lay him on the couch, pull up his shirt, and make a sawing motion across his neck with my hand. (Crude, yet apparently effective.) For some reason, this was my introduction to the wonders of the male body.
I have memories that come and go since then. I know I was attracted to men at the pool, men with muscles, men with tight bathing suits. I was fascinated by the naked male, which I rarely saw. There was one lifeguard I remember who was strong and good-looking and reckless at the pool. Someone pulled down his bathing suit one time. I was in heaven. He had a great butt. Over the years, I had many, many attractions: some friend, some strangers, some friend's fathers, another beautiful red-headed lifeguard... The list is endless. I had a tight bunch of friends going into high school, three of whom I had a major crush on. The one I still think might be the most perfect specimen of male ever to walk the planet in many regards. We'll call him Jay.
I began writing letters when I was young. I wrote to express my deep, powerful feelings for people. Everyone I wrote to (usually) loved it. I wrote to Jay, to a boy at camp who I loved (quite possibly the most odd-looking person I've ever loved, but I still think he's good-looking), I wrote to Jay, I wrote to the first short guy I crushed on... I still write, and people still love it. It was because of one of my letters that Jay started to suspect something about me. I think I included too many lyrics from love songs.
Before Jay, though, lots of things happened.
-I started masturbating at age 12. It was an unbelievable experience. (Oddly enough, it was after seeing Star Wars for the first time... so yes, first jack-off was to Princess Leia in the golden bikini...)
-I discovered porn at age 16. True to my nature, I watched a healthy mix of gay and straight porn. My dad found out during the summer. He was devastated, and I swore to NEVER use my family's computers to watch porn again. I haven't. My dad did, though. That killed me. I lost my mind, went to Jay for help. (Jay's family helped mine through a lot of shit after that...)
-I went through a year or two where a lot of people I loved very dearly died unexpectedly. I decided after a rough transition period to never be afraid to love anyone, no matter what, no matter how much it hurt. This, more than anything else, has shaped my relationships with every person since then. Jay came into my life right after the first deaths happened, and I was able to put my new-found deep loving skills to work. I connected with him on an incredible level that I don't even think he understood. (Maybe I was just obsessed... No telling with me.)
College happened, finally, after I had proved myself as an academic genius for all of high school and on the PSAT/SAT. I was brilliant, I know that now. I got a 98 on my first paper in college. I was quickly recruited to tutor multiple subjects, particularly Biology and English. I actually proctored an English class as a sophomore when the teacher was in a meeting. Totally not kosher, but one of the proudest days of my life. I also taught a science lab, took the students on a field trip, and wrote and gave a quiz to the class for actual credit. Needless to say, professors had high hopes for me.
I got very sick my junior year, though. I was pushing myself too hard. It all started to blur together. I started skipping meals, sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night. I burned out, fatigued my mind. All this, and I kept up a hectic social life along with several clubs and school-related responsibilities. (RA duties, etc.) I came to the point where I decided to take care of my mind and body and not destroy them. I have never regretted that decision, even though it has meant slightly lower grades. I no longer pushed myself, but merely kept up with what I could.
It was during my junior year that I roomed with the TF. (Prior to this, I had watched porn on a regular basis with intermittent spurts of guilt and abstaining for a few weeks. I had also confided my porn "problem" and homosexual inclinations to two young men. One of them stabbed me in the back, the other is my best friend.) TF and I hit it off at first, we had similar personalities and were liked by the same people.
And then IT happened.
We were talking late at night, as we did on occasion, and he started telling me about a girl he had hooked up with that was a bad kisser. Having never kissed anyone before, I asked him what constituted a "good" kiss. "Come over here and I'll show you," he said. So I crawled out of bed and climbed on top of him and put my lips on his. He was caught off guard, and didn't reciprocate. This, however, set us off, and we started playing a little bit of teasing, kind of like chicken, seeing who would back down first. I don't remember everything that happened, but I know there was some HEAVY grinding with hard-as-a-rock boners through our boxers, both of us teasing the others anal opening and sucking on each others nipples. It came to the point, though, that I was laying on top of him, and he finally asked the question: "Are you going to fuck me?" I hesitated. I was a virgin. I was naive. I was not ready. "No." I replied. "Then get the FUCK out of my bed." He said firmly. I got back to my bed, and we talked a little more, finally turning on the light and showing each other our cocks. His was a good 7.5", which looked bigger next to his slight frame. (We had almost the same body build and were pretty much the same height. Kind of freaky.)
The next morning, I felt horny and wild. I came out of the shower, dropped my towel, and climbed into the bed with him. We were both naked, and I started rubbing my hard-on on his ass. I reached around and started playing with his cock. It was hard. He reached back and grabbed mine, and I gasped. I almost exploded in his hand. He, however, is not a morning lover like me, and kicked me out of his bed again.
Once I was fully awake, I was terrified. I contemplated suicide. We met for lunch, and I told him I felt horrible and was so sorry for doing that to him. He looked me in the eye and said "Well, I'm not sorry. I'm gay, and you are too."
That started the worst couple months of my life. We fought incessantly, or didn't speak at all. He told me he was dating "Jessica" or "Jessie" as he called her. It turned out "Jessie" was a cover name for "Jesse"... who was a drop-out that I knew pretty well. TF would tell me about how he and Jesse would have sex on his bed while I was gone on the weekends, and taunt that they had used my bed. I laughed at him. One day I walked in and there was my friend Jesse, hanging out in our room. It took me milliseconds to realize who he was to my roommate.
TF transferred out, and I roomed with one of my best friends, JS, who also was very good looking. Those were some of the happiest months of my life, just enjoying being near a great friend who had a great sense of humor and was as big-hearted as they come. I held him while he cried when he found out his girlfriend (now wife) had feelings for another guy. We talked late into the night in the dark about our feelings, our life goals, and of course sex.
Senior year I roomed with the guy who knew about me and didn't stab me in the back, DM. We got along great, and senior year breezed by.
During my time in undergrad, I kissed a lot of faces, mostly guys' faces, but always on the cheek or forehead. I gave backrubs like nobody else, and I gave them a LOT. (Mostly because people would beg for them...) I slept in the bed with a bunch of my guy friends, and loved it. However, beyond TF, I never had another experience in undergrad.
After graduation, I spent a month in a Central American country. I had spent a week there junior year during spring break, and I was back to help teach English and help some missionaries out. I had met F during the first trip, but on the second trip I spent a lot of time with him because he had a car and drove us around the city. (I went with another student, a big, beautiful football player with shaggy hair and a smile that could melt stone.) I loved the culture there because everyone is very "huggy" and such, but I think I overshot it, and F picked up on the fact that I liked to hug and caress a little too much. He got me alone one day in his apartment, and started rubbing my leg, and then my neck. I panicked, and told him he was right, I had gay feelings, but I didn't like them, and I was trying to avoid that side of my life. He was apologetic, and told me a little about his gay history.
We were alone again the next night, I had left my wallet in his apartment, and he went to the kitchen to get me a drink. We talked about how I liked hugging, and he smiled and said, "We learned about this in my rehab group, it's called safe touching, here, let me show you..." and he wrapped his arms around me. It was a GREAT hug... and then he slid his cheek across mine and locked lips with me. I froze. It was my first REAL kiss, one I could return, one that I COULD want... I almost pulled away, but then a part of me said, Ah, fuck it. (Besides, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, make him feel like he was pushing my boundaries, although he was.)
We made out for probably 45 minutes, at least it felt that way. He was shocked it was my first kiss. "You are the best kisser I've ever met!" He exclaimed. About halfway through, he hesitantly put his hand down my pants, and then pulled it out. I grabbed his wrist and shoved it down my pants. He started to stroke my hard dick, and WOW it felt good, so smooth and soft... He stopped, though, and I think he wanted to move to the bedroom. I wasn't ready, again, and told him we should go. He asked if I would regret it in the morning. I said yes. And I did. I felt like an actor the rest of the trip, forcing a smile every day, acting normal when he was around, just trying to make it home.
I lived with DM the year after I graduated. I didn't kiss anyone, didn't do anything really, that whole year. DD came into my life that year in a bigger way. He told me about his first sexual experiences with his male cousins and talked a lot about sex. We slept in the same room one night, and he stood over me naked at one point for no apparent reason. I retaliated by pulling out my semi-hard dick, which he pretended to take offense to and called me "small." I just laughed at him. His dick was really small when limp, but he claims he's about 7" hard, but it's skinny. (He now really wants to fuck me, and I really don't know if I want that to happen...)
After DM got married, I went to live with JT and JK. JK was my long-time arch-enemy, and we managed to get along decently. I saw him naked once and had the urge to bang the ever-loving shit out of him. He was gorgeous, dark, tanned, toned, cocky... Very fuckable. Nice bubble butt. JT and I shared a room, and while he had a nice face, I was not very attracted to his body. It was nice having a man that close to me, though, who I saw naked on almost a daily basis. While there, I started talking to a guy, Joe, on myspace, and ended up trading my first couple of pictures. I was still kind of skinny then, and I had shaved all my body hair off my torso and crotch, so I looked young, slim, and kinda sexy. He wanted to have sex right away. I just wanted to make out. He quickly brushed me off.
I then came to medical school. Nothing happened until last December, when RP and I made out on the mountain. That was the real start of things for me. KF got in touch with me through e-mail, which nearly destroyed me on New Years Eve night. We stayed up til 3 am having cybersex in DM's apartment (I went to visit him and his wife for New Years). KF, though older and wiser, is still not one of my favorite people, and I had a nervous breakdown once I went home, sobbing in my parents' arms until 2 in the morning.
Later that month, The Boy found my blog.
That brings me pretty much full circle. To write about the boy will take a long, long time, so that comes later. But I have come back to how this post started:
"You are the worst thing that ever happened to me... and I miss you so much."
The Boy may not be the worst thing, but TF and KF and F and Joe were. The Boy was terrible in a whole different, wonderful, heart-breaking way.
More to come.
I decided I have to chronicle thing the way they happened from the start. I'm having trouble sorting all the details out, so here goes:
I was born about a quarter century ago in the North East of the USA. My family has always been lower-middle class, and pretty normal and well-adjusted. (For a while, anyway.) I am #2 of several children, and have the distinct marking of a second child. I am the peacemaker, the go-between, the sensitive one. I am not hard to please, and I (usually) did not have to hog the spotlight. I was used to living in my older brother's shadow. I love my family very much, always have. They have issues, but they work through them. Well, most of the time.
I was living out on the West coast when the first urges started. I had a crush on this cute girl at church. We planned out our wedding. We were confident little rugrats, about 7 years old and all ready to settle down and play house. And then there was RB. What I found out years later was an older boy at school was teaching RB about sex to mess with his young mind, and he was just ready to explode with the glorious news. Unfortunately, he had no idea what the older boy was talking about, so what he communicated to me was a little fuzzy in detail, and never really made sense. We played some odd games, though, RB and I, one in particular where we were father and son, and he would "skateboard" when I told him not to, and as punishment I would kill him. I know, total 180 from my stance on child-rearing these days. The WAY I would do it, though, was lay him on the couch, pull up his shirt, and make a sawing motion across his neck with my hand. (Crude, yet apparently effective.) For some reason, this was my introduction to the wonders of the male body.
I have memories that come and go since then. I know I was attracted to men at the pool, men with muscles, men with tight bathing suits. I was fascinated by the naked male, which I rarely saw. There was one lifeguard I remember who was strong and good-looking and reckless at the pool. Someone pulled down his bathing suit one time. I was in heaven. He had a great butt. Over the years, I had many, many attractions: some friend, some strangers, some friend's fathers, another beautiful red-headed lifeguard... The list is endless. I had a tight bunch of friends going into high school, three of whom I had a major crush on. The one I still think might be the most perfect specimen of male ever to walk the planet in many regards. We'll call him Jay.
I began writing letters when I was young. I wrote to express my deep, powerful feelings for people. Everyone I wrote to (usually) loved it. I wrote to Jay, to a boy at camp who I loved (quite possibly the most odd-looking person I've ever loved, but I still think he's good-looking), I wrote to Jay, I wrote to the first short guy I crushed on... I still write, and people still love it. It was because of one of my letters that Jay started to suspect something about me. I think I included too many lyrics from love songs.
Before Jay, though, lots of things happened.
-I started masturbating at age 12. It was an unbelievable experience. (Oddly enough, it was after seeing Star Wars for the first time... so yes, first jack-off was to Princess Leia in the golden bikini...)
-I discovered porn at age 16. True to my nature, I watched a healthy mix of gay and straight porn. My dad found out during the summer. He was devastated, and I swore to NEVER use my family's computers to watch porn again. I haven't. My dad did, though. That killed me. I lost my mind, went to Jay for help. (Jay's family helped mine through a lot of shit after that...)
-I went through a year or two where a lot of people I loved very dearly died unexpectedly. I decided after a rough transition period to never be afraid to love anyone, no matter what, no matter how much it hurt. This, more than anything else, has shaped my relationships with every person since then. Jay came into my life right after the first deaths happened, and I was able to put my new-found deep loving skills to work. I connected with him on an incredible level that I don't even think he understood. (Maybe I was just obsessed... No telling with me.)
College happened, finally, after I had proved myself as an academic genius for all of high school and on the PSAT/SAT. I was brilliant, I know that now. I got a 98 on my first paper in college. I was quickly recruited to tutor multiple subjects, particularly Biology and English. I actually proctored an English class as a sophomore when the teacher was in a meeting. Totally not kosher, but one of the proudest days of my life. I also taught a science lab, took the students on a field trip, and wrote and gave a quiz to the class for actual credit. Needless to say, professors had high hopes for me.
I got very sick my junior year, though. I was pushing myself too hard. It all started to blur together. I started skipping meals, sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night. I burned out, fatigued my mind. All this, and I kept up a hectic social life along with several clubs and school-related responsibilities. (RA duties, etc.) I came to the point where I decided to take care of my mind and body and not destroy them. I have never regretted that decision, even though it has meant slightly lower grades. I no longer pushed myself, but merely kept up with what I could.
It was during my junior year that I roomed with the TF. (Prior to this, I had watched porn on a regular basis with intermittent spurts of guilt and abstaining for a few weeks. I had also confided my porn "problem" and homosexual inclinations to two young men. One of them stabbed me in the back, the other is my best friend.) TF and I hit it off at first, we had similar personalities and were liked by the same people.
And then IT happened.
We were talking late at night, as we did on occasion, and he started telling me about a girl he had hooked up with that was a bad kisser. Having never kissed anyone before, I asked him what constituted a "good" kiss. "Come over here and I'll show you," he said. So I crawled out of bed and climbed on top of him and put my lips on his. He was caught off guard, and didn't reciprocate. This, however, set us off, and we started playing a little bit of teasing, kind of like chicken, seeing who would back down first. I don't remember everything that happened, but I know there was some HEAVY grinding with hard-as-a-rock boners through our boxers, both of us teasing the others anal opening and sucking on each others nipples. It came to the point, though, that I was laying on top of him, and he finally asked the question: "Are you going to fuck me?" I hesitated. I was a virgin. I was naive. I was not ready. "No." I replied. "Then get the FUCK out of my bed." He said firmly. I got back to my bed, and we talked a little more, finally turning on the light and showing each other our cocks. His was a good 7.5", which looked bigger next to his slight frame. (We had almost the same body build and were pretty much the same height. Kind of freaky.)
The next morning, I felt horny and wild. I came out of the shower, dropped my towel, and climbed into the bed with him. We were both naked, and I started rubbing my hard-on on his ass. I reached around and started playing with his cock. It was hard. He reached back and grabbed mine, and I gasped. I almost exploded in his hand. He, however, is not a morning lover like me, and kicked me out of his bed again.
Once I was fully awake, I was terrified. I contemplated suicide. We met for lunch, and I told him I felt horrible and was so sorry for doing that to him. He looked me in the eye and said "Well, I'm not sorry. I'm gay, and you are too."
That started the worst couple months of my life. We fought incessantly, or didn't speak at all. He told me he was dating "Jessica" or "Jessie" as he called her. It turned out "Jessie" was a cover name for "Jesse"... who was a drop-out that I knew pretty well. TF would tell me about how he and Jesse would have sex on his bed while I was gone on the weekends, and taunt that they had used my bed. I laughed at him. One day I walked in and there was my friend Jesse, hanging out in our room. It took me milliseconds to realize who he was to my roommate.
TF transferred out, and I roomed with one of my best friends, JS, who also was very good looking. Those were some of the happiest months of my life, just enjoying being near a great friend who had a great sense of humor and was as big-hearted as they come. I held him while he cried when he found out his girlfriend (now wife) had feelings for another guy. We talked late into the night in the dark about our feelings, our life goals, and of course sex.
Senior year I roomed with the guy who knew about me and didn't stab me in the back, DM. We got along great, and senior year breezed by.
During my time in undergrad, I kissed a lot of faces, mostly guys' faces, but always on the cheek or forehead. I gave backrubs like nobody else, and I gave them a LOT. (Mostly because people would beg for them...) I slept in the bed with a bunch of my guy friends, and loved it. However, beyond TF, I never had another experience in undergrad.
After graduation, I spent a month in a Central American country. I had spent a week there junior year during spring break, and I was back to help teach English and help some missionaries out. I had met F during the first trip, but on the second trip I spent a lot of time with him because he had a car and drove us around the city. (I went with another student, a big, beautiful football player with shaggy hair and a smile that could melt stone.) I loved the culture there because everyone is very "huggy" and such, but I think I overshot it, and F picked up on the fact that I liked to hug and caress a little too much. He got me alone one day in his apartment, and started rubbing my leg, and then my neck. I panicked, and told him he was right, I had gay feelings, but I didn't like them, and I was trying to avoid that side of my life. He was apologetic, and told me a little about his gay history.
We were alone again the next night, I had left my wallet in his apartment, and he went to the kitchen to get me a drink. We talked about how I liked hugging, and he smiled and said, "We learned about this in my rehab group, it's called safe touching, here, let me show you..." and he wrapped his arms around me. It was a GREAT hug... and then he slid his cheek across mine and locked lips with me. I froze. It was my first REAL kiss, one I could return, one that I COULD want... I almost pulled away, but then a part of me said, Ah, fuck it. (Besides, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, make him feel like he was pushing my boundaries, although he was.)
We made out for probably 45 minutes, at least it felt that way. He was shocked it was my first kiss. "You are the best kisser I've ever met!" He exclaimed. About halfway through, he hesitantly put his hand down my pants, and then pulled it out. I grabbed his wrist and shoved it down my pants. He started to stroke my hard dick, and WOW it felt good, so smooth and soft... He stopped, though, and I think he wanted to move to the bedroom. I wasn't ready, again, and told him we should go. He asked if I would regret it in the morning. I said yes. And I did. I felt like an actor the rest of the trip, forcing a smile every day, acting normal when he was around, just trying to make it home.
I lived with DM the year after I graduated. I didn't kiss anyone, didn't do anything really, that whole year. DD came into my life that year in a bigger way. He told me about his first sexual experiences with his male cousins and talked a lot about sex. We slept in the same room one night, and he stood over me naked at one point for no apparent reason. I retaliated by pulling out my semi-hard dick, which he pretended to take offense to and called me "small." I just laughed at him. His dick was really small when limp, but he claims he's about 7" hard, but it's skinny. (He now really wants to fuck me, and I really don't know if I want that to happen...)
After DM got married, I went to live with JT and JK. JK was my long-time arch-enemy, and we managed to get along decently. I saw him naked once and had the urge to bang the ever-loving shit out of him. He was gorgeous, dark, tanned, toned, cocky... Very fuckable. Nice bubble butt. JT and I shared a room, and while he had a nice face, I was not very attracted to his body. It was nice having a man that close to me, though, who I saw naked on almost a daily basis. While there, I started talking to a guy, Joe, on myspace, and ended up trading my first couple of pictures. I was still kind of skinny then, and I had shaved all my body hair off my torso and crotch, so I looked young, slim, and kinda sexy. He wanted to have sex right away. I just wanted to make out. He quickly brushed me off.
I then came to medical school. Nothing happened until last December, when RP and I made out on the mountain. That was the real start of things for me. KF got in touch with me through e-mail, which nearly destroyed me on New Years Eve night. We stayed up til 3 am having cybersex in DM's apartment (I went to visit him and his wife for New Years). KF, though older and wiser, is still not one of my favorite people, and I had a nervous breakdown once I went home, sobbing in my parents' arms until 2 in the morning.
Later that month, The Boy found my blog.
That brings me pretty much full circle. To write about the boy will take a long, long time, so that comes later. But I have come back to how this post started:
"You are the worst thing that ever happened to me... and I miss you so much."
The Boy may not be the worst thing, but TF and KF and F and Joe were. The Boy was terrible in a whole different, wonderful, heart-breaking way.
More to come.
Monday, October 19, 2009
#7 and I'm Slow In The Head
is there some kind of sign on my head that says "Stand Me Up, Toss Me Aside, I'm Not Really That Important"? i swear to God, this is getting old. #7 is being a flake, and i'm about ready to retire for the night. studying while waiting for an e-mail... feels like old times, except this time the e-mail means i can get up and meet someone.
UPDATE: got the e-mail.
UPDATE: fuck all gay men. stood up yet again. hate this. i think i'm just going to bang fat, ugly chicks from now on just to spite floosie queers.
i am slow. very slow. i didn't realize these two classmates of mine were bumping uglies for a long long time until i was told tonight. i flipped. she could do sooooo much better. i didn't realize the reason my shower won't drain like it used to is because my housemate probably jacks off in the shower. (either that or all his damn Asian hair clogs the drain.) i didn't realize that people blocked me on FB until i did it to some of my more annoying friends... and then i realized that i was wrong, the reason some of my friends never have anything new posted isn't because they never do anything, it's because they blocked me from seeing nearly everything on their page. i didn't realize that there is still someone reading this blog... someone that gets mentioned in it regularly. i am not sure what to do about that. i think i will do nothing. i am not an advocate of hiding anything, and i need to get over what did and didn't happen.
but damn, i'm slow...
UPDATE: got the e-mail.
UPDATE: fuck all gay men. stood up yet again. hate this. i think i'm just going to bang fat, ugly chicks from now on just to spite floosie queers.
i am slow. very slow. i didn't realize these two classmates of mine were bumping uglies for a long long time until i was told tonight. i flipped. she could do sooooo much better. i didn't realize the reason my shower won't drain like it used to is because my housemate probably jacks off in the shower. (either that or all his damn Asian hair clogs the drain.) i didn't realize that people blocked me on FB until i did it to some of my more annoying friends... and then i realized that i was wrong, the reason some of my friends never have anything new posted isn't because they never do anything, it's because they blocked me from seeing nearly everything on their page. i didn't realize that there is still someone reading this blog... someone that gets mentioned in it regularly. i am not sure what to do about that. i think i will do nothing. i am not an advocate of hiding anything, and i need to get over what did and didn't happen.
but damn, i'm slow...
Friday, October 16, 2009
sometimes...
...i really hate straight people.
had SW over last night, he was in town and needed a place to sleep. part of me wanted to scream IN MY BED IS JUST FINE but the sensible part of me let him sleep on the couch. we drank some beer and wine and made poor dietary choices, and talked about medical stuff and sex. i hate that he is so fucking good looking, and can hook up with whmoever, whenever. as i mentioned before, he knows about me and guys and whatnot, so we delved into that a little deeper. he told me a story that blew my mind. he slept in a bed with this guy that i've met once (and TOTALLY had the hots for) and he woke up in the middle of the night to the guy jerking him off and making out with him. i about died on the spot. not one but TWO of the hottest guys i know were in that story. and then he ruined it by saying he pretended he was asleep and rolled over on his stomach. they both pretended nothing ever happened the next day, and still haven't talked about it.
i almost choked him. what a waste of uberhotness. i would have done the same, though. (as the other guy, not SW.) i refrained last night (i hate myself) because he mentioned he's seeing this girl now... God i hate my life sometimes.
on a side note, the guy (FT) who was jerking him off is straight/bi-curious. i am for sure hitting that next time i see him, come hell or high water.
i am working on #7 right now, #8 is only in town every few weeks, and our schedules never work out. i am also curious about one of the guys in my class, and still debating doing anything with him. probably not a good idea. but he is rumored to be 100% gay, and he's really cute.
my buddy just called and said to come out. no way jose. tired, exhausted really, and have too much school to do... (then what am i doing here?) i am making better grades, thankfully, finished 2 classes so far, one with a B, the other with a B+. working my way on up to an A for the class i have a final in on monday. i feel bad for this one kid in our class, he has failed BOTH of the classes we've finished so far. remediation is going to be a BITCH for him. (either that, or if he fails out of all of our classes he'll be back for year 2 round 2 next year.)
and also, straight people stuff: 3 girls have commented on how much weight i've lost, how good i look, etc. THIS WEEK alone, including the girl who turned me down last year. the one actually said "you look good in those jeans..." they were my 32 jeans, first pair since somewhere around junior year of undergrad.
i feel great from those comments; i still feel like i have a ways to go when i look in the mirror.
5K in the AM, getting some shut-eye.
had SW over last night, he was in town and needed a place to sleep. part of me wanted to scream IN MY BED IS JUST FINE but the sensible part of me let him sleep on the couch. we drank some beer and wine and made poor dietary choices, and talked about medical stuff and sex. i hate that he is so fucking good looking, and can hook up with whmoever, whenever. as i mentioned before, he knows about me and guys and whatnot, so we delved into that a little deeper. he told me a story that blew my mind. he slept in a bed with this guy that i've met once (and TOTALLY had the hots for) and he woke up in the middle of the night to the guy jerking him off and making out with him. i about died on the spot. not one but TWO of the hottest guys i know were in that story. and then he ruined it by saying he pretended he was asleep and rolled over on his stomach. they both pretended nothing ever happened the next day, and still haven't talked about it.
i almost choked him. what a waste of uberhotness. i would have done the same, though. (as the other guy, not SW.) i refrained last night (i hate myself) because he mentioned he's seeing this girl now... God i hate my life sometimes.
on a side note, the guy (FT) who was jerking him off is straight/bi-curious. i am for sure hitting that next time i see him, come hell or high water.
i am working on #7 right now, #8 is only in town every few weeks, and our schedules never work out. i am also curious about one of the guys in my class, and still debating doing anything with him. probably not a good idea. but he is rumored to be 100% gay, and he's really cute.
my buddy just called and said to come out. no way jose. tired, exhausted really, and have too much school to do... (then what am i doing here?) i am making better grades, thankfully, finished 2 classes so far, one with a B, the other with a B+. working my way on up to an A for the class i have a final in on monday. i feel bad for this one kid in our class, he has failed BOTH of the classes we've finished so far. remediation is going to be a BITCH for him. (either that, or if he fails out of all of our classes he'll be back for year 2 round 2 next year.)
and also, straight people stuff: 3 girls have commented on how much weight i've lost, how good i look, etc. THIS WEEK alone, including the girl who turned me down last year. the one actually said "you look good in those jeans..." they were my 32 jeans, first pair since somewhere around junior year of undergrad.
i feel great from those comments; i still feel like i have a ways to go when i look in the mirror.
5K in the AM, getting some shut-eye.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
huh
i think it's because of the "don't ask, don't tell" thing that's going on, or that is supposed to be going on, or something, but 3 of my friends have posted stuff about gays in the past day or so. the first was a LONG paper about the church and homosexuals, the other two were as follows:
(a friend of mine with a husband in the military): Don't Ask/Don't Tell should stay in affect. It's not that I have a problem with gay people, I'm just not comfortable with a gay man watching my husband undress.
(and a football buddy of mine): God made Adam and eve not Adam and Steve.
to the first, i would say this: they're going to watch him undress either way, whether you know about it or not. get over it. if he's hot, you should be proud to show him off.
to the second: true enough, but that doesn't dismiss the fact that He made people who are gay. it doesn't mean HE made them gay or even wants them to be gay; but He did create them, nonetheless. it's unfortunate that this guy is kind of a homophobe because GOD he's hot. one of my favorite men to look at ever, even more than porn stars/models.
ran my personal best today, felt really good. about 7 minutes faster than last year!
JW still thinks i'm going to hook up with PB, although i showed him a picture of PB and he said he doesn't think he's gay now. (apparently i have HORRIBLE gaydar and he can tell just by looking at a guy if he's gay...) his GF says go for it. i'm not sure how to feel; i don't think i would because it would ruin our relationship AND his relationship with his GF. on the other hand, i am waiting for the day i find that cuddle buddy who becomes a little more. it would just be nice if he were single...
back to the old grindstone.
(a friend of mine with a husband in the military): Don't Ask/Don't Tell should stay in affect. It's not that I have a problem with gay people, I'm just not comfortable with a gay man watching my husband undress.
(and a football buddy of mine): God made Adam and eve not Adam and Steve.
to the first, i would say this: they're going to watch him undress either way, whether you know about it or not. get over it. if he's hot, you should be proud to show him off.
to the second: true enough, but that doesn't dismiss the fact that He made people who are gay. it doesn't mean HE made them gay or even wants them to be gay; but He did create them, nonetheless. it's unfortunate that this guy is kind of a homophobe because GOD he's hot. one of my favorite men to look at ever, even more than porn stars/models.
ran my personal best today, felt really good. about 7 minutes faster than last year!
JW still thinks i'm going to hook up with PB, although i showed him a picture of PB and he said he doesn't think he's gay now. (apparently i have HORRIBLE gaydar and he can tell just by looking at a guy if he's gay...) his GF says go for it. i'm not sure how to feel; i don't think i would because it would ruin our relationship AND his relationship with his GF. on the other hand, i am waiting for the day i find that cuddle buddy who becomes a little more. it would just be nice if he were single...
back to the old grindstone.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Well Shit
-sheets in the wash, got cum on them this morning. dang morning jerk off...
-roommate throwing a party as usual. people still going in and out the front door, playing Foosball and beer pong, etc.
-running a 5K tomorrow.
-usual stupid monday tests coming up way too soon.
-PB out of town, roomie not home.
soooo i am sleeping in a bed with no sheets, which isn't too bad, with the fan turned up on high on a somewhat chilly night to drown out my roomie's stupid friends (did i mention i'm not too fond of asians?) so i can try to sleep and get some rest before tomorrow. or rather, today.
obviously not working too well.
running has been going well lately, working out not so much. my trainer gets impatient with me when i can't do everything like i usually do. he understands the stress of school and all that, but he thinks i should be on the ball with sleep and nutrition already. i'm not. i also haven't told him that i am still having a hard time from the boy just disappearing from my life. i hate letting him down, but i can't help it, my body will just refuse to go on some days.
note on the boy and all that shit: i obviously am having a hard time letting go/getting over things. he tried to act like we were nothing, like i was some kind of stalker. i went back and read over some of our letters, though, and that's totally not the way it was. (edit: i know it's sad that i still have all our correspondence, and that i still go back and look at it. but damn it, even if it's over, i still get a great feeling reading that stuff, happiest days of my life.) we were different. we had something. i'm considering going to talk to someone here at the school, one of the psyc docs, just to get things talked through. JW is terrible for that, nice as he is; he failed his psychiatry SP because he was really nonchalant with the depressed, suicidal patient. he's about as good with me telling him i'm having a rough time. it always comes back to him and the fact that he and his GF are hours apart, etc. i'm not sure how that relates, but i'm tired of it. at least you SEE each other. at least you sleep together everytime the whole time, you see each other. at least you're TOGETHER. at least she's crazy about you and vice versa. i mean, come on.
i'm tired of being single. i'm tired of being alone. i'm tired of coming home to an empty bed. i'm tired of one night stands with guys i can't tolerate. i'm tired of looking wistfully at guys and girls i'll never have. i'm tired of feeling a twinge of jealousy when i see couples (married or otherwise) together, happy or not. i want to love someone, care about them deeply, share my life with them, and get that or at least SOMETHING in return.
need sleep badly, things have quieted down below, maybe i can get some shut-eye.
-roommate throwing a party as usual. people still going in and out the front door, playing Foosball and beer pong, etc.
-running a 5K tomorrow.
-usual stupid monday tests coming up way too soon.
-PB out of town, roomie not home.
soooo i am sleeping in a bed with no sheets, which isn't too bad, with the fan turned up on high on a somewhat chilly night to drown out my roomie's stupid friends (did i mention i'm not too fond of asians?) so i can try to sleep and get some rest before tomorrow. or rather, today.
obviously not working too well.
running has been going well lately, working out not so much. my trainer gets impatient with me when i can't do everything like i usually do. he understands the stress of school and all that, but he thinks i should be on the ball with sleep and nutrition already. i'm not. i also haven't told him that i am still having a hard time from the boy just disappearing from my life. i hate letting him down, but i can't help it, my body will just refuse to go on some days.
note on the boy and all that shit: i obviously am having a hard time letting go/getting over things. he tried to act like we were nothing, like i was some kind of stalker. i went back and read over some of our letters, though, and that's totally not the way it was. (edit: i know it's sad that i still have all our correspondence, and that i still go back and look at it. but damn it, even if it's over, i still get a great feeling reading that stuff, happiest days of my life.) we were different. we had something. i'm considering going to talk to someone here at the school, one of the psyc docs, just to get things talked through. JW is terrible for that, nice as he is; he failed his psychiatry SP because he was really nonchalant with the depressed, suicidal patient. he's about as good with me telling him i'm having a rough time. it always comes back to him and the fact that he and his GF are hours apart, etc. i'm not sure how that relates, but i'm tired of it. at least you SEE each other. at least you sleep together everytime the whole time, you see each other. at least you're TOGETHER. at least she's crazy about you and vice versa. i mean, come on.
i'm tired of being single. i'm tired of being alone. i'm tired of coming home to an empty bed. i'm tired of one night stands with guys i can't tolerate. i'm tired of looking wistfully at guys and girls i'll never have. i'm tired of feeling a twinge of jealousy when i see couples (married or otherwise) together, happy or not. i want to love someone, care about them deeply, share my life with them, and get that or at least SOMETHING in return.
need sleep badly, things have quieted down below, maybe i can get some shut-eye.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
quickie
-it is hard to concentrate in the gym when there are hot muscly sweaty undergrads walking around throwing iron around. dear GOD there are some scorchers in there.
-along the same vein of thought, i am easily influenced by a beautiful man. i need need need to stop this. i am hell-bent on getting close to a good looking man, and am quick to shun the unattractive.
-ALTHOUGH the one guy i've been creepstered by lately is unbelievably ugly... again, see the chart in previous post. he may not be actively gay right now, but he is all about me... i am so desperate to lose him.
unfortunately, we go to church together. GO FIGURE.
-PB has been texting me about living with him next year. JW thinks it's a terrible idea. it probably is. knowing me, i'll probably end up doing it anyway...
-DD called again the other night. his dad walked in on him jacking off to porn. what his dad didn't see is that it was shemale porn... DD has been bi-curious since day 1 of his sexual awakening when his male cousins messed around with oral sex with him during "truth and dare" on a regular basis. (he's the one i went to have sex with and then got stood up.) he texted me and said he really wanted to fuck me, but only if we could date. suddenly the tables were turned on me, and i could see a LOT better why things didn't work out with the boy and me. there is no fucking way we're dating from 2 states away, and he's insane. (which, by proxy, means i'm probably insane too.) again, the chart applies pretty strongly in this situation.
-i try to keep up with too many TV shows. there's just some good stuff out there, either currently or old shows that are now archived online. i used to own all of the will & grace dvds, watched all of them like a good gay man, and sent them on to the boy to enjoy. (i need to find another name for "the boy", or just stop talking about him altogether... he was a large part of my life for the entire year so far, though, it's hard not to until things progress a little more.) i watched all 5 or 6 episodes of QAF (the BBC version) on hulu, and would probably have watched the american version too, but it's not online...
-haven't been watching much porn lately, unsubscribed to all the porn blogs i used to frequent. there is one that i still check, and one video in particular:
http://godsandmen.blogspot.com/2009/09/milking-milkman.html
i have to admit, i'm gonna miss giving (and getting) blowjobs a lot. this, however, goes beyond a BJ. (of course, that goes beyond a normal dick too.) i had #6 down my throat like that, and i got really turned on knowing just how much he was enjoying it. he was just standing there, though, so i told him to fuck my face a little. i mean, seriously, my mouth is wide open, your cock is sliding down it and pushing my larynx with it, take advantage. put your hips into it. i realize now why i couldn't fit 'the boy' all the way down; his member was too wide to fit through my fauces, between my palatoglossal arches. (that's what i tell myself, at least...)
-people keep telling me how good i'm looking, how much weight i'm losing, how big my arms are... i don't really notice because it happens gradually, but i was taking a shower the other day and noticed my arms were kinda getting in the way when i crossed over my chest to lather the opposite shoulder. i love it. for the first time in my life, i'm gaining muscle.
-bed.
-along the same vein of thought, i am easily influenced by a beautiful man. i need need need to stop this. i am hell-bent on getting close to a good looking man, and am quick to shun the unattractive.
-ALTHOUGH the one guy i've been creepstered by lately is unbelievably ugly... again, see the chart in previous post. he may not be actively gay right now, but he is all about me... i am so desperate to lose him.
unfortunately, we go to church together. GO FIGURE.
-PB has been texting me about living with him next year. JW thinks it's a terrible idea. it probably is. knowing me, i'll probably end up doing it anyway...
-DD called again the other night. his dad walked in on him jacking off to porn. what his dad didn't see is that it was shemale porn... DD has been bi-curious since day 1 of his sexual awakening when his male cousins messed around with oral sex with him during "truth and dare" on a regular basis. (he's the one i went to have sex with and then got stood up.) he texted me and said he really wanted to fuck me, but only if we could date. suddenly the tables were turned on me, and i could see a LOT better why things didn't work out with the boy and me. there is no fucking way we're dating from 2 states away, and he's insane. (which, by proxy, means i'm probably insane too.) again, the chart applies pretty strongly in this situation.
-i try to keep up with too many TV shows. there's just some good stuff out there, either currently or old shows that are now archived online. i used to own all of the will & grace dvds, watched all of them like a good gay man, and sent them on to the boy to enjoy. (i need to find another name for "the boy", or just stop talking about him altogether... he was a large part of my life for the entire year so far, though, it's hard not to until things progress a little more.) i watched all 5 or 6 episodes of QAF (the BBC version) on hulu, and would probably have watched the american version too, but it's not online...
-haven't been watching much porn lately, unsubscribed to all the porn blogs i used to frequent. there is one that i still check, and one video in particular:
http://godsandmen.blogspot.com/2009/09/milking-milkman.html
i have to admit, i'm gonna miss giving (and getting) blowjobs a lot. this, however, goes beyond a BJ. (of course, that goes beyond a normal dick too.) i had #6 down my throat like that, and i got really turned on knowing just how much he was enjoying it. he was just standing there, though, so i told him to fuck my face a little. i mean, seriously, my mouth is wide open, your cock is sliding down it and pushing my larynx with it, take advantage. put your hips into it. i realize now why i couldn't fit 'the boy' all the way down; his member was too wide to fit through my fauces, between my palatoglossal arches. (that's what i tell myself, at least...)
-people keep telling me how good i'm looking, how much weight i'm losing, how big my arms are... i don't really notice because it happens gradually, but i was taking a shower the other day and noticed my arms were kinda getting in the way when i crossed over my chest to lather the opposite shoulder. i love it. for the first time in my life, i'm gaining muscle.
-bed.
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