Well Shit

-sheets in the wash, got cum on them this morning. dang morning jerk off...
-roommate throwing a party as usual. people still going in and out the front door, playing Foosball and beer pong, etc.
-running a 5K tomorrow.
-usual stupid monday tests coming up way too soon.
-PB out of town, roomie not home.

soooo i am sleeping in a bed with no sheets, which isn't too bad, with the fan turned up on high on a somewhat chilly night to drown out my roomie's stupid friends (did i mention i'm not too fond of asians?) so i can try to sleep and get some rest before tomorrow. or rather, today.

obviously not working too well.

running has been going well lately, working out not so much. my trainer gets impatient with me when i can't do everything like i usually do. he understands the stress of school and all that, but he thinks i should be on the ball with sleep and nutrition already. i'm not. i also haven't told him that i am still having a hard time from the boy just disappearing from my life. i hate letting him down, but i can't help it, my body will just refuse to go on some days.

note on the boy and all that shit: i obviously am having a hard time letting go/getting over things. he tried to act like we were nothing, like i was some kind of stalker. i went back and read over some of our letters, though, and that's totally not the way it was. (edit: i know it's sad that i still have all our correspondence, and that i still go back and look at it. but damn it, even if it's over, i still get a great feeling reading that stuff, happiest days of my life.) we were different. we had something. i'm considering going to talk to someone here at the school, one of the psyc docs, just to get things talked through. JW is terrible for that, nice as he is; he failed his psychiatry SP because he was really nonchalant with the depressed, suicidal patient. he's about as good with me telling him i'm having a rough time. it always comes back to him and the fact that he and his GF are hours apart, etc. i'm not sure how that relates, but i'm tired of it. at least you SEE each other. at least you sleep together everytime the whole time, you see each other. at least you're TOGETHER. at least she's crazy about you and vice versa. i mean, come on.

i'm tired of being single. i'm tired of being alone. i'm tired of coming home to an empty bed. i'm tired of one night stands with guys i can't tolerate. i'm tired of looking wistfully at guys and girls i'll never have. i'm tired of feeling a twinge of jealousy when i see couples (married or otherwise) together, happy or not. i want to love someone, care about them deeply, share my life with them, and get that or at least SOMETHING in return.

need sleep badly, things have quieted down below, maybe i can get some shut-eye.