Happy Boxing Day!

Or something like that. It's the day after Christmas. I'm sitting in Panera next to a family trying to decide what to name their new dog. "Truffles," "Martha," and other such wonders have been thrown around thus far. I am back near school/the new apartment because I decided to listen to my mother and place my passport in a safe place... A computer bag I NEVER use. Which means it got left at the apartment when we went home for Christmas, which means I had to drive 4 hours here to get it, and soon will be driving 4 hours back so I can fly out at 7:30 tomorrow morning and head back to that tiny Central American country I went to last year... for a great week of speaking Spanish and providing health care to orphans and poor village folk. Perfect Christmas gift.



Christmas was wonderful. All the family was home. We had breakfast together, I read Luke 2, and we opened gifts together. As we get older, we get better and better at finding gifts that mean something to the person that is getting them. We listen during the year to things our family members say they want or need, and we find those things for them, or we just KNOW based on what that person is like what they would enjoy. I bought my sister earrings I knew she would love; she wore them all day and played with them happily. I gave my older brother a shirt of mine that he always steals and eventually ripped the collar of this year. I got the collar repaired and gave it to him. I also was proud of my "family" gifts: a TomTom (Mom tried getting one on Black Friday, haha, yeah right), and fuzzy king and queen sized blankets for watching movies under. I bought myself one, and Jay and I cuddled under it and had sex on it the whole time he was here. I LOVE that blanket. My favorite gift came from my brother: a piece of marble. It's a massage rock, rounded on the one end, shaped like a 6-sided prism in the middle, and pointed on the other end. It works magic. I carry it with me everywhere, it's like a worry rock.



I realized when he gave it to me (or at least, when I figured out what the thing was) that my first thought was, "PB is going to LOVE this!" I was a little ashamed of myself for even thinking that, but it's how my mind works. Of course, there are other massage recipients of mine that came to mind, but PB is my most recent, and my favorite, honestly. Nick has basically stopped communicating with me, and BH and the gang are long gone from undergrad. PB means a lot to me these days. When I was sitting behind him the last time I was there, I wrapped my arms around him and put my lips on his neck where it meets his traps. He leaned back into me and sighed. "Dude," he groaned, "I love you. If I were gay, you would definitely be my man." I blushed furiously and my heart skipped a beat. He has gone from "If you were a girl..." to "If I were a girl..." to "If I were gay..." I have such a hard time coping with the fact that I CANNOT have him. I felt bad for the emotions I had when I found out he and his girlfriend were having troubles before Christmas. She was talking about things being too hard, about it not being worth it... I truthfully was glad that they stayed together, but a part of me played the "what if" game and imagined what MIGHT happen between us if they broke up.



Obviously, I don't express these feelings to Jaybird. I sometimes question if I would cheat, and if I did, if I would ever tell him. He wants me to tell him if I ever sleep with another man. I do not want to in the slightest, just because of how jealous he gets. It's a lose-lose situation, though, and it's why I am not TRYING to sleep around. (He told me we would be over if I ever slept with anyone I've been with before, especially the Boy. I can understand that, and told him there was basically no chance of me hooking up with any of my old hook-ups.)



Last thing, I need to head home: I think I mentioned JB on this blog, the guy who teased about cuddling in the park and who used to let gay guys blow him when he was doing crack with them. Well, I went to see him before Jay came to visit me. I walked into his place, hugged him, and stepped back. He looked at me and said, "There's something different about you... Like you've almost been laid... Oh my God, you've had sex!" It was a hilarious moment, and I have no idea how he figured it out, but I ended up telling him everything. He loves to tease me about it now, and dangle himself (in a metaphorical sense) in front of me tauntingly. He knows I'm curious about his cock (he's bragged that the doctor told him it was unusually large, even for such a big guy) and that I find him attractive. He's kinda figured I liked guys for a while, and has flirted with me just to test the theory. Bastard.



Well, there's the exit music, so that's my cue to go. I've got to run, quick stop at Wally World for last minute preparations for the trip and then another 4 hours in the car... Joy.

the joy of it all

after finishing exams thursday, a bunch of us headed to the 'big city' about 40 minutes away for Indian buffet. it was a nice celebration, some of my closest friends and myself just hanging out and enjoying a good laugh or two. some FUNNY stuff happened, of course. this stuff has been happening non-stop since i started coming out ever-so-slowly. (for instance, when jay came to the fundraiser, a lot of people figured out what was going on, and DD was hurt that i didn't tell him personally. later that night, we went out to a house party, and DD sat next to me on the couch and asked, "so when did you change?" to which i replied, "well, i've kinda always been bi..." he, of course, meant my clothes, but i was still focused on the fact that i had just come out to him that night...) so i'm walking through the buffet line, getting my yummy unpronounceable Indian food, when DD walks up beside me, and nonchalantly says "OH! so, um, been meaning to ask you this, but... um, not sure how to word this..." i almost burst out laughing. i KNEW what he was going to ask. the girl that let us stay in her apartment (AY) and JW have already asked me the same question, only they just came out with it. i should have just answered the question before he asked, but this is what he came up with: "in this relationship, you know, you and jay... do you pitch or catch?" i had to laugh at that point. it was a TERRIBLY inappropriate time to ask the question, and he asked it like, "hey, could you pass that spoon? great, thanks, i appreciate it..." my buddy JS (who just recently found out, and is still putting the pieces together) was shocked, and burst out, "hey! why the heck would you ask him that?" i was ok with it, though, and replied, "well, technically i play several positions on that team, but jay is out of practice when it comes to being the catcher... so we're gonna work on that." i thought it was a nice, ambiguous, round-about way of saying, yeah, i'm basically a huge power-bottom who also loves to top but isn't getting any experience with the latter... yet.

it was also funny being there because the class president was trying SO hard to talk to me and basically wheedle the "i'm gay" talk out of me. i LOVE making people wait and watching them squirm. it was funny too because JS asked (in front of the class president) what jay was up to today, and i replied "hanging out in NOLA, i expect." JS apparently had no idea that jay wasn't from here. i'm certain the president was DYING to ask at that point, but couldn't find a way to say, "so that's your boyfriend, right?"

the next morning i went out to eat with the class president, and after finding out he broke up with his girlfriend (which was a terribly sad story), i finally let him stop wondering. he apparently has heard from several sources (as has presumably 90% of the class) about my coming-out, but wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth. we had a good talk, and once again i got excited about talking about jay. sometimes it just takes describing what you have to make you realize just how fucking GOOD you have it. it was sweet, because the president was wondering if i was happy, if i was doing ok with the whole religion/gay thing. he's honestly one of my best, real friends, and i appreciate every time we go out to eat and talk together.

i skipped over thursday night, kind of on purpose. i spent the night @ PB's. it was AWESOME. a small, whiny part of me still looks at him and wants to know why we can't be together, why it's so unfair that we are PERFECT for each other and he's straight and i'm dating and whatnot... but i LOVE having a friend like him, and the larger, sensible part of me drowns in every minute of sheer JOY and fun we have. we had a "future roommate" bonding night, and wow did we bond... i was all "oh guys, i can't drink that much, i just got over the flu, bla bla bla..." yeah right. we started playing the halo drinking game, and that went out the window FAST. we had a great time yelling, shooting, drinking, cursing, laughing... we then went downstairs so my future roomies could smoke cigars, and PB begged for a back rub, and i sat behind him on a beanbag and encircled him with my legs and rubbed his broad back and was oh so content... and then we started talking about house rules for next year, but since we were drunk, the only rule we really discussed was the nudity rule, which is basically the OPPOSITE of every other nudity house rule i've ever lived under before: be naked as much as possible, and during certain hours, you are REQUIRED to be naked, and if your roommate passes by naked, you must pay your respects and look at his cock. i mean, i had no arguments. i was getting up to go take a leak, and A (the other roommate) said, "i mean, i think we're on the same level, all of us, we're growers, not showers, right?" he looked at me. "i don't know about you, but... are you?" i grinned. "you wanna see?" "wait, wait," pat hopped up, "let's do this all together, the big reveal. on three..." and we did. we dropped our pants and boxers and checked out what the other guys were packing. i was so high at the moment i have no memory of what EITHER of them looked like, and besides, the focus was on my chubby... i was a little swollen from PB sitting on me and having to pee SO BAD. they were in shock, and PB exclaimed, "oh my GOD your head is HUGE!" and A chimed in "yeah, i'm a little intimidated by what he's got..." i laughed and said "wait..." i went and took a leak and charged back down the stairs to show off my flaccid dick and said, "see? not so big..." "still," pat said, "huge sack." "your balls are huge too, buddy!" i replied. (i do remember his balls being quite large, laying side-by-side in his loose sack.) he grinned, we put away our junk, and i went back to sitting behind him.

tell me these guys are straight.

we went back upstairs to finish drinking halo, and PB and I played shirtless (i got jack and coke on my shirt, and he figured the less clothes the better), so PB told A he had to play half naked... so off came the pants and boxers. awesome.

i slept on the couch, and PB slept on the smaller one, and he kissed me before he drifted off to sleep. it was an incredible night. i am going to LOVE living there next year...

today was spent with MPD, another questionably-straight hot friend of mine who i'm pretty sure i'm going to be pushing the envelope with soon. we went and watched "christmas carol" today, which sucked, but he loved it, so i didn't care. i bought him breakfast at cracker barrel, and his movie tickets. it felt a little like a date. it was nice, though, to not have that pressure. i'm not planning on doing anything with him, i really can't see myself doing anything with any guy besides jay these days. (it's scary, i know, i sound old and married, but i'll address that shortly.) we shopped a little before and after, which was fun. that is, of course, another clue in favor of the "MPD is gay" theory: with the exception of SW (hot guy in third year), i have found few other male friends that claim to be straight and enjoy shopping THAT MUCH. i am EXTREMELY attracted to him and his new york ways. unrequited love, though, isn't bad at all, as vince tyler of the BBC QAF says: "Unrequited love. It's fantastic, 'cause it never has to change, it never has to grow up and it never has to die!" and it's true. i guess i'm learning to be happy with these 'loves' and infatuations i have for the unattainable straight guys in my life.

and finally: jay and i are doing great. i love his phone calls. my libido is coming back after the flu, and WOW i am dying for him to get back here in january. i sometimes feel his sex drive is on idle, but i love scandalizing him with descriptions of what i'm going to do to him, or what i love about our sex life. before he came here, i would send him texts similar to the things i've used in cyber before, and he would almost pass out from the smuttiness of it. he said he showed some coworkers some of the stuff i sent him, and the one woman walked away fanning herself, exclaiming that she needed a cold shower. i love doing that to him. i love being the sexually aggressive one. true, he was the one who put me on the floor as soon as we got home from the airport and calmly informed me he was going to fuck me. he does have a little bit of that in him. but it's fun knowing i can run circles around him when it comes to the dirty talk, the sexual role play, etc. i figured a little bit of my frustration out: i went from having something of a relationship with a 22 year old who had a great libido, was fun in bed, and wasn't really interested in a LTR with me, to a 29 year old with a waning sex drive (although he is still GREAT and fun in bed) who is ready to settle down and play house for-ev-er. it was a bit of a shift and change, an adjustment. i went from "i don't want a commitment after 9 months" to "i want a commitment after 7 weeks". at least i've come to grips with WHY this was a shock to me, but it's still gonna take some doing to decide that i'm ready for this kind of relationship. it FEELS good. it SEEMS right. but again... 7 weeks.

in other news, i am in the middle of moving. 18 inches of snow has put a hold on that, but i have enough here in the new place to run it smoothly. this snow is INCREDIBLE, just beautiful and soft and thick... i love eating this kind of snow. hopefully i'll be able to finish moving tomorrow (HA!) and then figure out Christmas plans.

as usual, some music to sign off.

Let Your Feelings Slip, Boy, But Never Your Mask, Boy

Drive boy dog boy
Dirty numb angel boy
In the doorway boy
She was a lipstick boy
She was a beautiful boy
And tears boy
And all in your inner space boy
He had hand girls boy
And steel boy
He had chemicals boy
I've grown so close to you boy
And you just groan boy
She said come over come over
She smiled at you boy

Let your feelings slip boy
But never your mask boy
Random blonde boy
High density rhythm blonde boy
Blonde country
Blonde high density
You are my drug boy
You're real boy
Speak to me boy
Dog dirty numb cracking boy
You're getting wet boy
Big big time boy
Acid bear boy
Babes and babes
And babes and babes and babes
And remembering nothing boy
You're like my tin horn boy
You get wet like an angel
Derailed

You got a velvet mouth
You're so succulent and beautiful
Shimmering and dirty
Wonderful and hot time
On your telephone line
And God and everything
On your telephone
And in walk an angel

Look at me mum
Squatting pissed in the tube hole
At Tottenham Court Road
I just come out of the ship
Talking to the most blonde I ever met
Shouting lager lager lager lager
Shouting lager lager lager lager
Shouting lager lager lager lager
Shouting lager lager lager
Shouting mega mega white thing
Mega mega white thing
Mega mega white thing
Mega mega
Shouting lager lager lager lager
Mega mega white thing
Mega mega white thing
So many things to see and do
In the tube hole
True blonde going back to Romford
Mega mega mega going back to Romford
Hi mum are you having fun
And now are you on your way
To a new age tension headache

tears

i have cried a good bit since meeting jaybird. he has cried a lot more than me, he's somehow more emotional and gushy than i (unbelievable as it may seem). after jay left, i was sitting in my car listening to the radio and the song posted below played. corny as it was, and as typically country as it was, i wept, sobbed uncontrollably. i didn't get who the guy in the song was, and when the last line played, everything hit me like a ton of bricks. i know my family loves me like this, and i would love to be open and honest with them... but there's always that 'what if?' question in the back of my mind. i think the fear is intensified now that i'm dating.

another teary-eyed moment i had was watching 'modern family' (one of the BEST shows on tv these days). the latest 2 episodes were great, but the Christmas one really got me. the family is all sitting around the table for Christmas dinner (like my family does) and i saw all the kids and started to cry. none of my siblings have kids yet, but it sucks to think that i might NEVER have a natural child of my own. it also SUCKS that it will kill jay to lose me to a woman.

i had to come to grips with it today, though. he lived before me. he can live after me. he says i make him happier than anyone else ever has or could. his friends all say how much happier he seems, how much he's changed since we met. i wouldn't know. i decided today i'm going to stick with him as long as it lasts. i'm not going to sabotage it or end it early. if something else comes along (i.e. a woman), then i'll take it from there. until that point, though, i'm perfectly happy to be with my sweet man. i smile every time he calls me (which is usually 4 or 12 times a day). he thinks i'm hot, that i'm everything he's ever wanted. i swear he think i hang the moon every night. it's nice to be that to someone. it's also nice when they're perfect for you too. (did i ever mention i have a huge thing for shorter guys?)

for someone who needs it

love will find you in the end

believe it

Girls Aloud - Call The Shots
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happy? (wednesday post)

so many emotions right now... i can hardly think to write. (compounded by the fact that i have the flu... again.) the painkillers are kicking in, so i should be coherent for a few.

jaybird left today. he arrived friday, and OH what an amazing 6 days it was. we are two peas in a playful little pod. one of my friends at school who was in NOLA with us offered her apartment and full sized bed to us for the duration of his stay so i wouldn't have to work around my roommates (and gross apartment). it was INCREDIBLE. i think what i loved about it was it was a normal experience, almost like playing house. it would take too long to write about everything, so in shorthand:

-friday: picked jaybird up from the airport. cried when i saw him. didn't realize how much just seeing him would affect me. did the opposite of road head on the way to cracker barrel... that shit is HARD. (he had to hold the steering wheel, and i put it on cruise control.) fogged the windows in the parking lot @ cracker barrel, walked in holding hands and scandalized every little old person in the room. (and trust me, that is 99% of the cracker barrel population.) went 'home', took care of 'business' real quick, and then headed to the charity event that has been stressing me out for 3 weeks. (total success, by the way.)
-saturday: haircuts, snow (he loved it!), a visit with some of his old friends (long story, very coincidental happenstance), hanging out with PB and then video games... too much fun.
-sunday: skipped church, cuddled for about 8 hours total all day. that's all i remember. great day.
-monday: failed test, got the flu. changed jaybird's departure date to today. (by the way, this was one of the most EXPENSIVE 6 days of my life... i am SCARED to look at my bank account.) dinner party with kids from NOLA, JW, and DD. great, great night, but i think i spread the flu around. oops. the bf of the girl who rents the apartment suggested we have a coming out party for me next week... HECK NO. i mean, i AM coming out, and i AM excited about it, but NO that's not me. JW got hammered and kept bugging the dog and cat. so funny to watch. jaybird cooked a scrumptious taco dinner with some incredible spiced meat. i was already feeling nauseous, but i still was able to down a mini burrito. fantastic.
tuesday: jaybird babied me all day. he loved it. he also almost made me throw up with his magical flu stew. it was good for me, but apparently my body does NOT like celery when i have the flu. watched "julie and julia", loved it. great date night movie. finished the night with the best sex EVER.
today: i was delirious this AM, hot and sweating, and he felt so cold... i hate being sick. dropped him off at the airport. the goodbye was easy, much easier than i thought it would be. no tear, just 'see you in a month' and a nice long kiss.

i love what we have. it's easy, natural, fun, romantic, caring, nurturing, emotional and level-headed at the same time... i can honestly say i've never been happier...

...or more torn.

we had a few good talks about 'us'. he wants to marry me. it's been 5 weeks, and he's set on me as his life partner. he says he can't survive without me, or at least doesn't want to. i know that's his way of talking, but it kind of puts pressure on me to hold my tongue about what i'm feeling. i finally told him though: i would turn down any guy for him, but i'm not sure i'd turn down a girl. he was crushed. i tried to make him understand that i have been dreaming for 24 years of a wedding day with a white dress, one that my family and friends would be happy to come to and support. i dream of watching my wife's belly grow big with our child, and joying over every moment of our baby's life. i dream of children that are MINE and hers, not mine and my husband's and some lesbian's who is looking for money. it's fucking HARD to give that up in an instant, even for such an amazing, perfect man. we are compatible on so many levels... and yet i see little things that tear me apart. he expects me to basically see him as my new family and downplay my blood family. my family isn't his, though, we love each other and have an incredible bond that blows people away, no matter how dysfunctional we may be at times. he has had my heart for 5 weeks; they've had it for 24 years and counting.

there are other little things that have me questioning. for instance, the jealousy thing. in his defense, he apologized after he met him, but initially jaybird was very jealous of PB and his relationship with me. i was a little hurt, but i could understand. he's like that. another little thing is our libido. don't get me wrong, he's GREAT in bed. but he's also 5 years older. you say the WORD cock and i'm hard; him, not so much. we basically had sex once a day while he was here, which was fine for the both of us, especially since i'm used to sleeping with about 1 guy a month. something is nagging in the back of my head, though. despite the fact that sex is not a HUGE deal to either of us, it's still a part of our relationship that should still be exciting and fresh to us both. i mean, we've only HAD it 7 times total! i know he's been around the block 30 or so times, so maybe i'm expecting too much from him. i just worry that he's too ready to settle down and become housewives this early. he is dead set on moving closer to me. i'm ok with that. i just don't want to settle down this soon. do i want to settle down? yes. with him? yes. but now? i don't think so.

last thing: this blog. i haven't let him see it yet, and i wonder if he's looked for it. it's hard for me to give this up. it's a place where i can voice my opinions and thoughts and fears without worry. at the same time, i want to show him i trust him explicitly. i mean, the boy still reads this, for crying out loud, i'm sure jay would not find that fair in the slightest. (he also doesn't think it's fair that we live so far apart and get such little time together... he's kinda right about that one. but i'm ok with long distance for now.)

going to bed, perhaps more thoughts in the AM.

ps, the title of this post is in reference to leona lewis' incredible new song, happy...

snapshot

just a few trinkets:

-i have never been this much in love, this happy, this excited about spending every spare minute with a phone plastered to my head to talk to a man 900 miles away.
-the boy is dating someone. uncanny. we seem to live our lives in parallel.
-turkey day was uneventful. spent 3 hours with dad's family. felt kinda bad, seeing them for such a short time, but we see them several times a year, not just at thanksgiving. mom and sister weren't in the mood to deal with that side of the family, and besides sister and little and brother apparently had places to be. i drove them all home, and they scattered.
-older brother spent the holiday with some friends up north. lucky bastard.
-i need to start writing down humorous things people say, such as the "was that a gay joke" moments i've had with pb (now that he knows), but here's one from jw:

jw (already buzzed): you and i never go out drinking together! let's get a beer together tonight!
me: ok.
jw: go get a beer... or for you, i guess some kind of cranberry cocktail or martini...
me: FUCK YOU!

(there were some more quotes i wanted to remember, but i forgot, even though i wrote the locations where they happened to jog my memory... i guess it doesn't work that way.)

-some of my funnier moments have made it to pointsincase.com's college quotes section... i get a kick out of seeing them. i've been reading PIC for about 6 years now, on and off, so it's fun now contributing a little to the humor. favorite author is nathan degraaf, love everything he writes.
-so much i want to write, so little time, and i've come to the point of contentment where writing seems superfluous. i wrote in the past to express frustration or angst or desire... but when i feel fulfilled, i feel i need to say is "i'm happy."

i'm happy.