the joy of it all

after finishing exams thursday, a bunch of us headed to the 'big city' about 40 minutes away for Indian buffet. it was a nice celebration, some of my closest friends and myself just hanging out and enjoying a good laugh or two. some FUNNY stuff happened, of course. this stuff has been happening non-stop since i started coming out ever-so-slowly. (for instance, when jay came to the fundraiser, a lot of people figured out what was going on, and DD was hurt that i didn't tell him personally. later that night, we went out to a house party, and DD sat next to me on the couch and asked, "so when did you change?" to which i replied, "well, i've kinda always been bi..." he, of course, meant my clothes, but i was still focused on the fact that i had just come out to him that night...) so i'm walking through the buffet line, getting my yummy unpronounceable Indian food, when DD walks up beside me, and nonchalantly says "OH! so, um, been meaning to ask you this, but... um, not sure how to word this..." i almost burst out laughing. i KNEW what he was going to ask. the girl that let us stay in her apartment (AY) and JW have already asked me the same question, only they just came out with it. i should have just answered the question before he asked, but this is what he came up with: "in this relationship, you know, you and jay... do you pitch or catch?" i had to laugh at that point. it was a TERRIBLY inappropriate time to ask the question, and he asked it like, "hey, could you pass that spoon? great, thanks, i appreciate it..." my buddy JS (who just recently found out, and is still putting the pieces together) was shocked, and burst out, "hey! why the heck would you ask him that?" i was ok with it, though, and replied, "well, technically i play several positions on that team, but jay is out of practice when it comes to being the catcher... so we're gonna work on that." i thought it was a nice, ambiguous, round-about way of saying, yeah, i'm basically a huge power-bottom who also loves to top but isn't getting any experience with the latter... yet.

it was also funny being there because the class president was trying SO hard to talk to me and basically wheedle the "i'm gay" talk out of me. i LOVE making people wait and watching them squirm. it was funny too because JS asked (in front of the class president) what jay was up to today, and i replied "hanging out in NOLA, i expect." JS apparently had no idea that jay wasn't from here. i'm certain the president was DYING to ask at that point, but couldn't find a way to say, "so that's your boyfriend, right?"

the next morning i went out to eat with the class president, and after finding out he broke up with his girlfriend (which was a terribly sad story), i finally let him stop wondering. he apparently has heard from several sources (as has presumably 90% of the class) about my coming-out, but wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth. we had a good talk, and once again i got excited about talking about jay. sometimes it just takes describing what you have to make you realize just how fucking GOOD you have it. it was sweet, because the president was wondering if i was happy, if i was doing ok with the whole religion/gay thing. he's honestly one of my best, real friends, and i appreciate every time we go out to eat and talk together.

i skipped over thursday night, kind of on purpose. i spent the night @ PB's. it was AWESOME. a small, whiny part of me still looks at him and wants to know why we can't be together, why it's so unfair that we are PERFECT for each other and he's straight and i'm dating and whatnot... but i LOVE having a friend like him, and the larger, sensible part of me drowns in every minute of sheer JOY and fun we have. we had a "future roommate" bonding night, and wow did we bond... i was all "oh guys, i can't drink that much, i just got over the flu, bla bla bla..." yeah right. we started playing the halo drinking game, and that went out the window FAST. we had a great time yelling, shooting, drinking, cursing, laughing... we then went downstairs so my future roomies could smoke cigars, and PB begged for a back rub, and i sat behind him on a beanbag and encircled him with my legs and rubbed his broad back and was oh so content... and then we started talking about house rules for next year, but since we were drunk, the only rule we really discussed was the nudity rule, which is basically the OPPOSITE of every other nudity house rule i've ever lived under before: be naked as much as possible, and during certain hours, you are REQUIRED to be naked, and if your roommate passes by naked, you must pay your respects and look at his cock. i mean, i had no arguments. i was getting up to go take a leak, and A (the other roommate) said, "i mean, i think we're on the same level, all of us, we're growers, not showers, right?" he looked at me. "i don't know about you, but... are you?" i grinned. "you wanna see?" "wait, wait," pat hopped up, "let's do this all together, the big reveal. on three..." and we did. we dropped our pants and boxers and checked out what the other guys were packing. i was so high at the moment i have no memory of what EITHER of them looked like, and besides, the focus was on my chubby... i was a little swollen from PB sitting on me and having to pee SO BAD. they were in shock, and PB exclaimed, "oh my GOD your head is HUGE!" and A chimed in "yeah, i'm a little intimidated by what he's got..." i laughed and said "wait..." i went and took a leak and charged back down the stairs to show off my flaccid dick and said, "see? not so big..." "still," pat said, "huge sack." "your balls are huge too, buddy!" i replied. (i do remember his balls being quite large, laying side-by-side in his loose sack.) he grinned, we put away our junk, and i went back to sitting behind him.

tell me these guys are straight.

we went back upstairs to finish drinking halo, and PB and I played shirtless (i got jack and coke on my shirt, and he figured the less clothes the better), so PB told A he had to play half naked... so off came the pants and boxers. awesome.

i slept on the couch, and PB slept on the smaller one, and he kissed me before he drifted off to sleep. it was an incredible night. i am going to LOVE living there next year...

today was spent with MPD, another questionably-straight hot friend of mine who i'm pretty sure i'm going to be pushing the envelope with soon. we went and watched "christmas carol" today, which sucked, but he loved it, so i didn't care. i bought him breakfast at cracker barrel, and his movie tickets. it felt a little like a date. it was nice, though, to not have that pressure. i'm not planning on doing anything with him, i really can't see myself doing anything with any guy besides jay these days. (it's scary, i know, i sound old and married, but i'll address that shortly.) we shopped a little before and after, which was fun. that is, of course, another clue in favor of the "MPD is gay" theory: with the exception of SW (hot guy in third year), i have found few other male friends that claim to be straight and enjoy shopping THAT MUCH. i am EXTREMELY attracted to him and his new york ways. unrequited love, though, isn't bad at all, as vince tyler of the BBC QAF says: "Unrequited love. It's fantastic, 'cause it never has to change, it never has to grow up and it never has to die!" and it's true. i guess i'm learning to be happy with these 'loves' and infatuations i have for the unattainable straight guys in my life.

and finally: jay and i are doing great. i love his phone calls. my libido is coming back after the flu, and WOW i am dying for him to get back here in january. i sometimes feel his sex drive is on idle, but i love scandalizing him with descriptions of what i'm going to do to him, or what i love about our sex life. before he came here, i would send him texts similar to the things i've used in cyber before, and he would almost pass out from the smuttiness of it. he said he showed some coworkers some of the stuff i sent him, and the one woman walked away fanning herself, exclaiming that she needed a cold shower. i love doing that to him. i love being the sexually aggressive one. true, he was the one who put me on the floor as soon as we got home from the airport and calmly informed me he was going to fuck me. he does have a little bit of that in him. but it's fun knowing i can run circles around him when it comes to the dirty talk, the sexual role play, etc. i figured a little bit of my frustration out: i went from having something of a relationship with a 22 year old who had a great libido, was fun in bed, and wasn't really interested in a LTR with me, to a 29 year old with a waning sex drive (although he is still GREAT and fun in bed) who is ready to settle down and play house for-ev-er. it was a bit of a shift and change, an adjustment. i went from "i don't want a commitment after 9 months" to "i want a commitment after 7 weeks". at least i've come to grips with WHY this was a shock to me, but it's still gonna take some doing to decide that i'm ready for this kind of relationship. it FEELS good. it SEEMS right. but again... 7 weeks.

in other news, i am in the middle of moving. 18 inches of snow has put a hold on that, but i have enough here in the new place to run it smoothly. this snow is INCREDIBLE, just beautiful and soft and thick... i love eating this kind of snow. hopefully i'll be able to finish moving tomorrow (HA!) and then figure out Christmas plans.

as usual, some music to sign off.