tears

i have cried a good bit since meeting jaybird. he has cried a lot more than me, he's somehow more emotional and gushy than i (unbelievable as it may seem). after jay left, i was sitting in my car listening to the radio and the song posted below played. corny as it was, and as typically country as it was, i wept, sobbed uncontrollably. i didn't get who the guy in the song was, and when the last line played, everything hit me like a ton of bricks. i know my family loves me like this, and i would love to be open and honest with them... but there's always that 'what if?' question in the back of my mind. i think the fear is intensified now that i'm dating.

another teary-eyed moment i had was watching 'modern family' (one of the BEST shows on tv these days). the latest 2 episodes were great, but the Christmas one really got me. the family is all sitting around the table for Christmas dinner (like my family does) and i saw all the kids and started to cry. none of my siblings have kids yet, but it sucks to think that i might NEVER have a natural child of my own. it also SUCKS that it will kill jay to lose me to a woman.

i had to come to grips with it today, though. he lived before me. he can live after me. he says i make him happier than anyone else ever has or could. his friends all say how much happier he seems, how much he's changed since we met. i wouldn't know. i decided today i'm going to stick with him as long as it lasts. i'm not going to sabotage it or end it early. if something else comes along (i.e. a woman), then i'll take it from there. until that point, though, i'm perfectly happy to be with my sweet man. i smile every time he calls me (which is usually 4 or 12 times a day). he thinks i'm hot, that i'm everything he's ever wanted. i swear he think i hang the moon every night. it's nice to be that to someone. it's also nice when they're perfect for you too. (did i ever mention i have a huge thing for shorter guys?)