Happy 23rd, big guy. Look back at this time last year, who you were, how your life was going... I know things aren't looking incredible right now...
But my wish for you is that you can see the difference, and somehow find hope for the future.
All the best, Boy. Happy, happy, happy birthday. I love you, kiddo.
PS, there is actually a guy in my class who reminds me of this video... Except his girlfriend is in Bosnia. True story. Thanks for introducing me to 'quality music.'
"Damn, damn, damn, DAMN!" -Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
There is no way I can summarize what has happened, what is happening, and what is going to happen, in any succinct fashion.
Except, of course, bullet points.
-The trip was amazing. I love medical missions. This time the group was upbeat, excited, and enthusiastic every day, no matter what. Last time 1, maybe 2 got sick, and it was THE END OF THE WORLD. This time 5 or 6 got sick, and while it was a concern, it wasn't a big deal to most of the kids on the trip. We went to a bunch of orphanages and such, did well-child check-ups, saw a few sick kids, and did a clinic day where we saw over 200 people. but we also had a beach day at the end of the week on New Year's Day just to have an actual vacation and enjoy the beautiful surf, sand, and sun. New Years Eve was spent at the resort near the beach that we stayed at for Beach Day. (We spent 3 day at the Hilton in the capitol of the country and 3 days at the beach-side resort... I know, suffering for medicine...) We spent the hours leading up to midnight on the outdoor covered dance floor, drinks in hand, on the beach, in the waves... I got a wee bit tipsy and decided to go wading in my shorts and shirt. The water was warm, and the night was clear with a light breeze. I waded in up to my knees, hiking my shorts up... until the bottoms got wet, and then I let them down a little, at which point I got wet to my waist, which included the bottom of my shirt... Needless to say I was soaking within minutes and gloriously happy. I talked with a sweet girl (who was also wading and carrying a beer) for about 45 minutes, maybe more, I don't know, about me and Jay and love and relationships and the state of things as they pertain to politics, liberation, and gay marriage. At some point two of the guys on the trip came dashing past us in nothing but their boxer briefs... It was two of the first years, one of whom is the Dean's son. Being slightly drunk, I hollered cat calls and slightly inappropriate statements at them. I think they liked it. The Dean's son is kind of hot, having played football in undergrad and still has all his muscles filled out and his stomach hasn't filled in... And of course, his boxer briefs were nice and small, and clung to his skin after being soaked in ocean water, so it was like he had painted on his briefs, and pretty much every detail was showing... I'm a perv. :) When midnight rolled around, we all gathered on the beach and toasted with champagne as the entire coastline lit up with fireworks. (These people may be poor but they know how to party... It's a strange dichotomy.) After things calmed down, me and several other students dug our feet into the sand (and got bit by sand mites) and I kept them entertained with a "talk show" for 2 hours straight. (I get a little hyper when I'm tipsy, and often it leads to hilarity.) It was honestly one of the best New Year's I've ever experienced.
-Jay came to visit me again in early January. Things were going well between us, and while I found some of his habits and tics a little annoying, on the whole I could not have been happier. (You will please read the following paragraph patiently, dear reader, I may sound like I am a nit-picking whiner.) Basically, Jay came into town for the big annual winter ball/gala, which was a masquerade this year. He brought us AWESOME masks from NOLA, which were a huge hit at the gala. (Everyone wanted to touch them, wear them, buy them...) My tux no longer fits, which is awesome because I've lost a bunch of weight, but it would have been nice to realize that before putting it on as the gala began. Oh well. Jay and I were in HIGH demand, and spent very little time on the dance floor (don't regret that too much, but wish the night had been longer and drunk people passing out hadn't fucked up the night for everyone else!), as we were in a bunch of hotel rooms drinking the night away and being interrogated by all my friends who have been DYING to meet Jay. It was a good night.
The VISIT however... In brief, we had actual sex once, he refused to have sex with me at least twice, lost his hard-on as we were about to do it on the last night, laughed at me several times when I would start giving him a BJ at random times of the day and then pushed me away, and could not handle me being the top at ALL when he (finally) let me try. All in all, a very sexually frustrating weekend. The one side of me doesn't care, since sex is not the most important thing in the world to me, and 2 years ago I never even thought I would have sex if I were dating anyone. However, it IS an important part of the relationship, we ARE just getting started, and for crying out loud, I feel like I don't turn him on at all! He just has to get undressed and I can't get soft.
Furthermore, the problem moved out of the bedroom and into our conversations with other people. Jay has the habit of making us sound like two sex-crazed animals, when in reality we're like an old married couple. He talks about EXACTLY what we do in bed, shows people (in NOLA) pics I send meant only for him, and shares my "dirty" texts with his co-workers. He has been talking to me-and other people-about the sex clubs/bath houses he's going to bring me to when I visit NOLA in 2 weeks. Honestly, I'm not sure what to think. If he can't bring himself to fuck with me in the bedroom, why should we drag it all out in front of other people? Does he NEED other people around to feel sexy, to be stimulated? Is that why he brings up our sex life when other people are around? I sincerely doubt we're ACTUALLY going to engage in sex with each other, much less anyone else, while we're out in public, because even if that's what HE needs to get off, I'm still counting on two hands the amount of times I've had ACTUAL penetration sex, and it's still a huge novelty to me. I'm just fine fooling around in the bedroom, and I really get into foreplay (sometimes dragging it out for 1-2 hours...).
JW noticed the part where Jay talks about our sex life and me being gay a LOT, and it made him really uncomfortable. He knows me as me, not Jay's gay bf. He's been good to talk to, and he says I need to talk this all over with Jay. I plan on it when I go to NOLA, but it makes my end of the phone conversations a little strained. He was perfectly happy to just cuddle and sleep while he was here, and he's happy to just coo sweet nothings at me on the phone the whole time (I miss you, can't wait to see you, I love you, you're so good to me, I adore you, etc.), but I feel this nagging in my mind to TALK about the serious things in our relationship. Does he realize what rotations are going to be like for me? Is he REALLY willing to leave NOLA and move closer so we can be together for the next 2 years? (DOUBTFUL.) I find out this month where I'll be for 3rd year; the gears will be in motion after that.
All in all, the relationship is a little rocky right now. I have questions and concerns. Jay has unrealistic views on how this thing should work, or how it DOES work. That's all I know for now, I'm sure this one's not over...
-Went to visit Granny for her b'day with my fam (except Dad) and all her children/grandchildren on my Mom's side. It was great, and miserable. Almost killed my older brother. I have not been that emotionally drained for a long, long time. He is literally going insane, and the paranoia/antisocial behavior is getting worse as he continues to use and abuse the various drugs and herbals he's completely sold on. I left yesterday and texted a few people, telling them I was coming back to town and needed some company. Who responded first... PB.
Ok, so back up: Remember PB and his girl were having trouble in December? Well, after what he describes as the "perfect Christmas", she drops the bomb on him: We need a break. Or, more accurately, SHE needed a break. She even encouraged him to see other girls. Not a good sign. He told me this over the phone on his way home last week, and my heart stopped. I wanted them to work out, to be together. I love her, and I love him, and I love them TOGETHER. Furthermore, I don't trust me when I know he's single. So here I was, mad at Jay, confused about the relationship, on the phone with one of the most wonderful guys I've ever shared a bed with, and he's asking me to come keep him company that evening. I was torn, but I went, and nothing happened, but he has now started calling me "baby," which is my guilty pleasure of the month. He tells me I am second only to her, and she is now trying to move herself out of his life. Thankfully, things are unchanged between us, we aren't sleeping together, and he's obsessively focused on getting her back, so there's no weirdness between us, and I've held myself back from making any move on him.
Anyway, I spent last night with PB. We drank, of course, played Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, and watched Friends until 4 am. He slept on one couch, I slept on the other. It was wonderful. I got up and snuggled with him for about 30 seconds this morning, but otherwise I kept it clean. We both knew we were being there for each other. He needs someone more than I do, of course, but it was nice to have that haven and get away from everyone and everything for a night.
-There are a lot of other things going on. SW is in town, and I've seen him a few times. He's gained weight, but is still a huge whore, and is still very comfortable around gay guys. He kissed me on the lips at the gala, which was really nice. Jay cooked some steaks for us, SW, and JW while he was in town, and then I destroyed Jay and SW in Halo 3 (got a new TV and 360... catching up with the rest of the country!). SW and I have had a few talks about him and gay, and it's funny that he plays the cock-tease, and then makes sure to let me know that he's NEVER going to sleep with a guy just in case I'm trying to get him hooked up... He's a weird one.
-I need to study more. I need to be a genius. Jay calls me constantly, and I study very little now that he's in my life. Everyone else in my class is freaking out about board prep... I have some books, and I signed up for a course, but I've yet to REALLY start.
-Boy: Feel better. You pop up on my feed from time to time. We're both sick too much. My white cell counts were down when I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago, as was my vitamin D. Not sure if it was the "flu" I got while Jay was here in early December or something else. I tested negative for HIV in November, but if the counts are still down next month I have to go back... Between lack of sleep, lack of sun, alcohol, low vitamin D, and school stress... It's a wonder I'm not sick more than I am. Take care of yourself, Boy. You're a good guy. I miss talking to you sometimes. People tell me I shouldn't miss you, but they don't know you. I like that you never met anyone. It makes you MY story alone. Update sometime, let the world know how you're doing.
A new fave, good group, have a few new artists I've been into... Will try to remember to post them (and post more often).
Or something like that. It's the day after Christmas. I'm sitting in Panera next to a family trying to decide what to name their new dog. "Truffles," "Martha," and other such wonders have been thrown around thus far. I am back near school/the new apartment because I decided to listen to my mother and place my passport in a safe place... A computer bag I NEVER use. Which means it got left at the apartment when we went home for Christmas, which means I had to drive 4 hours here to get it, and soon will be driving 4 hours back so I can fly out at 7:30 tomorrow morning and head back to that tiny Central American country I went to last year... for a great week of speaking Spanish and providing health care to orphans and poor village folk. Perfect Christmas gift.
Christmas was wonderful. All the family was home. We had breakfast together, I read Luke 2, and we opened gifts together. As we get older, we get better and better at finding gifts that mean something to the person that is getting them. We listen during the year to things our family members say they want or need, and we find those things for them, or we just KNOW based on what that person is like what they would enjoy. I bought my sister earrings I knew she would love; she wore them all day and played with them happily. I gave my older brother a shirt of mine that he always steals and eventually ripped the collar of this year. I got the collar repaired and gave it to him. I also was proud of my "family" gifts: a TomTom (Mom tried getting one on Black Friday, haha, yeah right), and fuzzy king and queen sized blankets for watching movies under. I bought myself one, and Jay and I cuddled under it and had sex on it the whole time he was here. I LOVE that blanket. My favorite gift came from my brother: a piece of marble. It's a massage rock, rounded on the one end, shaped like a 6-sided prism in the middle, and pointed on the other end. It works magic. I carry it with me everywhere, it's like a worry rock.
I realized when he gave it to me (or at least, when I figured out what the thing was) that my first thought was, "PB is going to LOVE this!" I was a little ashamed of myself for even thinking that, but it's how my mind works. Of course, there are other massage recipients of mine that came to mind, but PB is my most recent, and my favorite, honestly. Nick has basically stopped communicating with me, and BH and the gang are long gone from undergrad. PB means a lot to me these days. When I was sitting behind him the last time I was there, I wrapped my arms around him and put my lips on his neck where it meets his traps. He leaned back into me and sighed. "Dude," he groaned, "I love you. If I were gay, you would definitely be my man." I blushed furiously and my heart skipped a beat. He has gone from "If you were a girl..." to "If I were a girl..." to "If I were gay..." I have such a hard time coping with the fact that I CANNOT have him. I felt bad for the emotions I had when I found out he and his girlfriend were having troubles before Christmas. She was talking about things being too hard, about it not being worth it... I truthfully was glad that they stayed together, but a part of me played the "what if" game and imagined what MIGHT happen between us if they broke up.
Obviously, I don't express these feelings to Jaybird. I sometimes question if I would cheat, and if I did, if I would ever tell him. He wants me to tell him if I ever sleep with another man. I do not want to in the slightest, just because of how jealous he gets. It's a lose-lose situation, though, and it's why I am not TRYING to sleep around. (He told me we would be over if I ever slept with anyone I've been with before, especially the Boy. I can understand that, and told him there was basically no chance of me hooking up with any of my old hook-ups.)
Last thing, I need to head home: I think I mentioned JB on this blog, the guy who teased about cuddling in the park and who used to let gay guys blow him when he was doing crack with them. Well, I went to see him before Jay came to visit me. I walked into his place, hugged him, and stepped back. He looked at me and said, "There's something different about you... Like you've almost been laid... Oh my God, you've had sex!" It was a hilarious moment, and I have no idea how he figured it out, but I ended up telling him everything. He loves to tease me about it now, and dangle himself (in a metaphorical sense) in front of me tauntingly. He knows I'm curious about his cock (he's bragged that the doctor told him it was unusually large, even for such a big guy) and that I find him attractive. He's kinda figured I liked guys for a while, and has flirted with me just to test the theory. Bastard.
Well, there's the exit music, so that's my cue to go. I've got to run, quick stop at Wally World for last minute preparations for the trip and then another 4 hours in the car... Joy.
after finishing exams thursday, a bunch of us headed to the 'big city' about 40 minutes away for Indian buffet. it was a nice celebration, some of my closest friends and myself just hanging out and enjoying a good laugh or two. some FUNNY stuff happened, of course. this stuff has been happening non-stop since i started coming out ever-so-slowly. (for instance, when jay came to the fundraiser, a lot of people figured out what was going on, and DD was hurt that i didn't tell him personally. later that night, we went out to a house party, and DD sat next to me on the couch and asked, "so when did you change?" to which i replied, "well, i've kinda always been bi..." he, of course, meant my clothes, but i was still focused on the fact that i had just come out to him that night...) so i'm walking through the buffet line, getting my yummy unpronounceable Indian food, when DD walks up beside me, and nonchalantly says "OH! so, um, been meaning to ask you this, but... um, not sure how to word this..." i almost burst out laughing. i KNEW what he was going to ask. the girl that let us stay in her apartment (AY) and JW have already asked me the same question, only they just came out with it. i should have just answered the question before he asked, but this is what he came up with: "in this relationship, you know, you and jay... do you pitch or catch?" i had to laugh at that point. it was a TERRIBLY inappropriate time to ask the question, and he asked it like, "hey, could you pass that spoon? great, thanks, i appreciate it..." my buddy JS (who just recently found out, and is still putting the pieces together) was shocked, and burst out, "hey! why the heck would you ask him that?" i was ok with it, though, and replied, "well, technically i play several positions on that team, but jay is out of practice when it comes to being the catcher... so we're gonna work on that." i thought it was a nice, ambiguous, round-about way of saying, yeah, i'm basically a huge power-bottom who also loves to top but isn't getting any experience with the latter... yet.
it was also funny being there because the class president was trying SO hard to talk to me and basically wheedle the "i'm gay" talk out of me. i LOVE making people wait and watching them squirm. it was funny too because JS asked (in front of the class president) what jay was up to today, and i replied "hanging out in NOLA, i expect." JS apparently had no idea that jay wasn't from here. i'm certain the president was DYING to ask at that point, but couldn't find a way to say, "so that's your boyfriend, right?"
the next morning i went out to eat with the class president, and after finding out he broke up with his girlfriend (which was a terribly sad story), i finally let him stop wondering. he apparently has heard from several sources (as has presumably 90% of the class) about my coming-out, but wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth. we had a good talk, and once again i got excited about talking about jay. sometimes it just takes describing what you have to make you realize just how fucking GOOD you have it. it was sweet, because the president was wondering if i was happy, if i was doing ok with the whole religion/gay thing. he's honestly one of my best, real friends, and i appreciate every time we go out to eat and talk together.
i skipped over thursday night, kind of on purpose. i spent the night @ PB's. it was AWESOME. a small, whiny part of me still looks at him and wants to know why we can't be together, why it's so unfair that we are PERFECT for each other and he's straight and i'm dating and whatnot... but i LOVE having a friend like him, and the larger, sensible part of me drowns in every minute of sheer JOY and fun we have. we had a "future roommate" bonding night, and wow did we bond... i was all "oh guys, i can't drink that much, i just got over the flu, bla bla bla..." yeah right. we started playing the halo drinking game, and that went out the window FAST. we had a great time yelling, shooting, drinking, cursing, laughing... we then went downstairs so my future roomies could smoke cigars, and PB begged for a back rub, and i sat behind him on a beanbag and encircled him with my legs and rubbed his broad back and was oh so content... and then we started talking about house rules for next year, but since we were drunk, the only rule we really discussed was the nudity rule, which is basically the OPPOSITE of every other nudity house rule i've ever lived under before: be naked as much as possible, and during certain hours, you are REQUIRED to be naked, and if your roommate passes by naked, you must pay your respects and look at his cock. i mean, i had no arguments. i was getting up to go take a leak, and A (the other roommate) said, "i mean, i think we're on the same level, all of us, we're growers, not showers, right?" he looked at me. "i don't know about you, but... are you?" i grinned. "you wanna see?" "wait, wait," pat hopped up, "let's do this all together, the big reveal. on three..." and we did. we dropped our pants and boxers and checked out what the other guys were packing. i was so high at the moment i have no memory of what EITHER of them looked like, and besides, the focus was on my chubby... i was a little swollen from PB sitting on me and having to pee SO BAD. they were in shock, and PB exclaimed, "oh my GOD your head is HUGE!" and A chimed in "yeah, i'm a little intimidated by what he's got..." i laughed and said "wait..." i went and took a leak and charged back down the stairs to show off my flaccid dick and said, "see? not so big..." "still," pat said, "huge sack." "your balls are huge too, buddy!" i replied. (i do remember his balls being quite large, laying side-by-side in his loose sack.) he grinned, we put away our junk, and i went back to sitting behind him.
tell me these guys are straight.
we went back upstairs to finish drinking halo, and PB and I played shirtless (i got jack and coke on my shirt, and he figured the less clothes the better), so PB told A he had to play half naked... so off came the pants and boxers. awesome.
i slept on the couch, and PB slept on the smaller one, and he kissed me before he drifted off to sleep. it was an incredible night. i am going to LOVE living there next year...
today was spent with MPD, another questionably-straight hot friend of mine who i'm pretty sure i'm going to be pushing the envelope with soon. we went and watched "christmas carol" today, which sucked, but he loved it, so i didn't care. i bought him breakfast at cracker barrel, and his movie tickets. it felt a little like a date. it was nice, though, to not have that pressure. i'm not planning on doing anything with him, i really can't see myself doing anything with any guy besides jay these days. (it's scary, i know, i sound old and married, but i'll address that shortly.) we shopped a little before and after, which was fun. that is, of course, another clue in favor of the "MPD is gay" theory: with the exception of SW (hot guy in third year), i have found few other male friends that claim to be straight and enjoy shopping THAT MUCH. i am EXTREMELY attracted to him and his new york ways. unrequited love, though, isn't bad at all, as vince tyler of the BBC QAF says: "Unrequited love. It's fantastic, 'cause it never has to change, it never has to grow up and it never has to die!" and it's true. i guess i'm learning to be happy with these 'loves' and infatuations i have for the unattainable straight guys in my life.
and finally: jay and i are doing great. i love his phone calls. my libido is coming back after the flu, and WOW i am dying for him to get back here in january. i sometimes feel his sex drive is on idle, but i love scandalizing him with descriptions of what i'm going to do to him, or what i love about our sex life. before he came here, i would send him texts similar to the things i've used in cyber before, and he would almost pass out from the smuttiness of it. he said he showed some coworkers some of the stuff i sent him, and the one woman walked away fanning herself, exclaiming that she needed a cold shower. i love doing that to him. i love being the sexually aggressive one. true, he was the one who put me on the floor as soon as we got home from the airport and calmly informed me he was going to fuck me. he does have a little bit of that in him. but it's fun knowing i can run circles around him when it comes to the dirty talk, the sexual role play, etc. i figured a little bit of my frustration out: i went from having something of a relationship with a 22 year old who had a great libido, was fun in bed, and wasn't really interested in a LTR with me, to a 29 year old with a waning sex drive (although he is still GREAT and fun in bed) who is ready to settle down and play house for-ev-er. it was a bit of a shift and change, an adjustment. i went from "i don't want a commitment after 9 months" to "i want a commitment after 7 weeks". at least i've come to grips with WHY this was a shock to me, but it's still gonna take some doing to decide that i'm ready for this kind of relationship. it FEELS good. it SEEMS right. but again... 7 weeks.
in other news, i am in the middle of moving. 18 inches of snow has put a hold on that, but i have enough here in the new place to run it smoothly. this snow is INCREDIBLE, just beautiful and soft and thick... i love eating this kind of snow. hopefully i'll be able to finish moving tomorrow (HA!) and then figure out Christmas plans.
Drive boy dog boy Dirty numb angel boy In the doorway boy She was a lipstick boy She was a beautiful boy And tears boy And all in your inner space boy He had hand girls boy And steel boy He had chemicals boy I've grown so close to you boy And you just groan boy She said come over come over She smiled at you boy
Let your feelings slip boy But never your mask boy Random blonde boy High density rhythm blonde boy Blonde country Blonde high density You are my drug boy You're real boy Speak to me boy Dog dirty numb cracking boy You're getting wet boy Big big time boy Acid bear boy Babes and babes And babes and babes and babes And remembering nothing boy You're like my tin horn boy You get wet like an angel Derailed
You got a velvet mouth You're so succulent and beautiful Shimmering and dirty Wonderful and hot time On your telephone line And God and everything On your telephone And in walk an angel
Look at me mum Squatting pissed in the tube hole At Tottenham Court Road I just come out of the ship Talking to the most blonde I ever met Shouting lager lager lager lager Shouting lager lager lager lager Shouting lager lager lager lager Shouting lager lager lager Shouting mega mega white thing Mega mega white thing Mega mega white thing Mega mega Shouting lager lager lager lager Mega mega white thing Mega mega white thing So many things to see and do In the tube hole True blonde going back to Romford Mega mega mega going back to Romford Hi mum are you having fun And now are you on your way To a new age tension headache
i have cried a good bit since meeting jaybird. he has cried a lot more than me, he's somehow more emotional and gushy than i (unbelievable as it may seem). after jay left, i was sitting in my car listening to the radio and the song posted below played. corny as it was, and as typically country as it was, i wept, sobbed uncontrollably. i didn't get who the guy in the song was, and when the last line played, everything hit me like a ton of bricks. i know my family loves me like this, and i would love to be open and honest with them... but there's always that 'what if?' question in the back of my mind. i think the fear is intensified now that i'm dating.
another teary-eyed moment i had was watching 'modern family' (one of the BEST shows on tv these days). the latest 2 episodes were great, but the Christmas one really got me. the family is all sitting around the table for Christmas dinner (like my family does) and i saw all the kids and started to cry. none of my siblings have kids yet, but it sucks to think that i might NEVER have a natural child of my own. it also SUCKS that it will kill jay to lose me to a woman.
i had to come to grips with it today, though. he lived before me. he can live after me. he says i make him happier than anyone else ever has or could. his friends all say how much happier he seems, how much he's changed since we met. i wouldn't know. i decided today i'm going to stick with him as long as it lasts. i'm not going to sabotage it or end it early. if something else comes along (i.e. a woman), then i'll take it from there. until that point, though, i'm perfectly happy to be with my sweet man. i smile every time he calls me (which is usually 4 or 12 times a day). he thinks i'm hot, that i'm everything he's ever wanted. i swear he think i hang the moon every night. it's nice to be that to someone. it's also nice when they're perfect for you too. (did i ever mention i have a huge thing for shorter guys?)
