thoughts

-i feel fat. i have been hyper-aware of my body since i started working out with my trainer. these days i feel bloated. not cool. some days i feel really thin though, which is good.

-i did not get laid this weekend. i had 3 chances to, and i didn't make a move on any of the 3 guys. the one guy i doubt would have hooked up with me, although he has done so with other guys in the past. the other 2 i didn't actually see, but the one i know would have been a sure thing had we seen each other. (see entry from around december... that guy was in town again.) the third i'm pretty sure would do me in a heartbeat, he's straight but is dying to try anal, and no girl will let him. he actually tried to do it on a girl he hooked up with that passed out after regular sex... he said he couldn't keep it up because he felt bad about trying to do her in the ass while she was passed out. yeah, he has some morals... that's why i think it would be hard to hook up with him.

-the first guy is trying to get his life straightened out after years of drugs, alcohol, criminal activity, and promiscuous sex. i think that's the main reason i would feel bad about coming on to him. he has some mental damage from the hard drugs, no more than most who have done crack and etc. it makes him blunt and unreasonable at times. the best moment, in my opinion, was when i played with his nipple and he stared at me and said, "you know, that makes you look immature. i want to hang out with you and spend time with you, but i don't like it when you act immature." i almost burst out laughing. so years of drug abuse and stupidity isn't immature? going right back to the fuck hole life you spent months in rehab for isn't the epitome of immaturity? i had to restrain myself very hard to keep from scorning him to his face. what a jackass. (on a side note, i don't take people confronting me very well. ever.)

-my brother was arrested this week for road rage. my parents were surprisingly cool about it. they seemed to expect it, like it was inevitable. he is definitely kinda nuts from the drugs as well, and his eyes always seem to be popping out of his head and looking in two different directions. i love how he effortlessly keeps my parents' attention off of me and my issues. on the one hand, i resent the fact that my parents hardly notice me and my inner turmoil. on the other hand, it's nice to slip under the radar and run my own life and sort through my shit on my own terms.

-i am really good at fucking up every relationship/friendship i am in. i'm a great friend to have for a while, but eventually i'll turn on you. i am beginning to see how i have destroyed almost every relationship in my life in one way or another. there are a few people who have seen the uglier side of me and stuck by me, but there are others who have decided it would be easier for them to just move on and let me be my asshole self. i am a user, a clingy friend, a needy, time consuming inconvenience, and a stubborn, willful ball of rage and fury who is willing to toss anyone aside who doesn't suit my needs at the moment or who doesn't bend to my self-centered whims.

-unfortunately, i am also a loving, tender, affectionate, touchy-feely individual. that means that if you offend this sensitive, loving side of me, i'll quickly turn my razor-sharp barbs on you. i've done it over and over again, especially when criticism comes my way or someone points out that i am too touchy, too gay, too over the top. i have to act offended and hurt in order to avoid further suspicion. a part of me hates being figured out, though.

-more than anything, i want to be in love. that has had awful consequences in the past few months. mainly, it has made me a whore. i have become willing to trade true affection and a solid relationship for one-night stands with guys i never see again or even form any sort of attachment to. the most recent was the most impersonal sexual encounter i've had yet. i cared for him so little, and i didn't feel bad at all telling him what to do every step of the way, grabbing his head and shoving him all the way down on my cock, ordering him to suck my balls, etc. that was the first time i came in another guy's mouth, and vice versa. i felt like a badass and an idiot at the same time. i didn't even know this guy, and i had swallowed his load without second thought. hiv/aids is not picky about who it infects. it doesn't matter how young he was, he could have been carrying something. that's one of the main things i think about when i hook up with guys.

-another consequence of wanting to be in love has been the complete abuse my relationship with The Boy. i swear i have done EVERYTHING wrong in our relationship, and i'm sure he's sick of me by now. i am too embarrassed to enumerate here all the things i've done to screw up what was the best relationship i've ever had, but suffice to say i'm ashamed of how i overwhelmed a handsome young man because i was selfish and wanted something more out of an already amazing friendship. i have no idea how he feels about our relationship anymore. i'm afraid to ask. sometimes talking about a thing is exactly what kills it.

-my schooling has suffered because of my insatiable social appetite. i need to lock myself away this week and study like never before.

-i have yet to try anal (again) since The Boy and i tried it for a minute over the summer. i think i may try it flip-flop with #6. i also may give up men for good. i have no idea what i'm doing most days.

-i may try to write about my encounters, sexual and non, over the next few weeks. i've had some interesting and yet somehow entirely unremarkable hook-ups, and one mind-blowing visit with The Boy. i figure it couldn't hurt to blog about it, especially the nights i've had recently cuddling with my hot straight friends... :)