meanwhile, i continue my exercise routine with some religiousness. i missed today because i was exhausted. i feel fat in my cheeks, love handles, and stomach, but it's really in my head. when i look in the mirror, most of my midsection is gone, and there are concavities below my cheekbones. i'm losing weight and gaining muscle mass. my trainer commented the other day that my arms were showing some definition, and he could see my shoulder separating from my bicep. i must have blushed. it was a good feeling.
i had several "good feeling" moments that day. my buddy j.w. (who i spend almost every waking minute with) stated that i might be the smartest person he knows because i can recall most facts that i've seen or heard, even if it was only once. of course, it's all short term memory, i definitely don't have a photographic memory, but it was nice to hear him say that, being in med school and all. the other moment came when i was skyping with my buddy from undergrad who is overseas right now. before he left, i gave him a beautiful leather-bound journal that just seemed to shout his name. he showed me over the webcam that he writes in it every day, and kept the letter i wrote him on the front leaflet. (i knew he had kept the letter; one time i was in his room, and lay down on his bed, and saw that he had stuck it above his pillow under the top bunk mattress. he saw that letter every day. i have rarely felt that loved.) it was one of my better letters, put a lot into it. he also showed me that his girlfriend had sent him a memento from one of their first "dates": the program from the musical i was in after i graduated. i had to smile, because they had to go around secretly dating for a while, and that was the most logical place to bring her for a date so that it didn't look suspicious.
i bought clothes today. went to AE and bought my fall wardrobe. (some of it anyway, i have a LOT of clothing to start out with.) being in the mall reminded me of going there with s.w. he was glad to have someone who appreciated his "guilty pleasure" of shopping. (this was before he knew about me, and even after that he's been cool with me... keep listening.) we were there because he needed to buy some clothes (and a metabolism enhancer) for a photoshoot he was doing in cali. it was his second, and he wanted to look good. i felt kinda funny, but i helped him pick out some outfits and specific pieces of clothing that showed off his body. it was that day he told me he was contemplating dabbling in gay sex out in cali if he got drunk and some guy came on to him. as usual, my heart rate doubled, and i had a hard time talking for a while. the next time we went out, i told him about me, and tried to give him a perspective on it. i'm not really sure what i was doing; i think, deep down, i was doing what i always do. i was telling him "don't sleep with him/her/them, sleep with me. i'm safe, i'm fun, and i love you." but no one wants safe, fun, and love when it comes to a good lay. i don't think he picked up on the fact that i wanted him at the time, but he's not stupid. he figured it out, i'm sure. it'll probably never happen. (this was the guy i was DD for, along with his 'mentor' and fellow demi-god s.n., and the girl/woman s.w. hooked up with that night, halloween last year. i take no credit for s.n. meeting his now-serious gf that night, but i do take credit for s.w. getting his salad tossed by a girl for the first time that night. drove them home, i did. she LOVES me.)
there is something tied to s.w. that i've been wanting to talk about for a while. for this next topic, please refer to the following graph:
on the Y axis is something like relative hottness of guy you like, or perhaps an arbitrary measurement of the degree of interest you have in said guy, or even something like a measure of unavailability. on the X axis is their likelihood to date/fall in love with/sleep with you. as you can see... the graph explains itself. it is ALWAYS this way in my life. (with the exception of the boy, who coincidentally is definitely not available emotionally nor does he want to date or fall in love with me. however, he was willing to sleep with me. i'll take what i can get, not hard to please.) the more i am attracted to a guy, the less available he is to me. the guys at the top of the chart are, of course, straight and dating/married. take, for instance, my buddy t.b. he is pretty much EXACTLY what i want in a guy: laid-back, masculine, funny, country-boy, short, dirty blond hair, and fit. (he can outrun me any day of the week, and i've been training for a year.) he's not the best looking guy around, but damn i want him so bad. he could not be straighter or more dating. it KILLS me being around him. now, there are a few odd exceptions out there. there are j+d, a couple in my class who have been dating on and off for the past year. they're pretty steady now. she's a pretty girl, sweet, loves to laugh, and is very affectionate. i love her. i would date her. him? i live to make his life miserable. he is so rotten to her, and just a dickwad to everyone. he likes me, oddly enough, because i pester him and am civil to him and act like i can stand him. (which i guess i do...) one night about a week ago, i had a dream where i had sex with the two of them. like, a threesome. this, of course, would NEVER EVER happen. however, it was odd how HOT it was and how turned on i was. i have always found him attractive, but not like that, really. it was an odd moment where i realized i was attracted to both of them equally. another exception is my drinking buddy p.b. (and m.m. and n.t., but that comes later.) p.b. and i get together to do a limited number of things: be loud, play video games, watch TV (smallville, fringe, friends), get hammered, and cuddle. the first time i saw him back this semester, he called me up and said he was coming home, get alcohol. i did. we unpacked him and started drinking around midnight. we were up until 4 am and we got wasted. it was awesome. we sat on opposite ends of the couch and meshed our legs together and shared a blanket and talked about all things sexual and pornographic until we were exhausted and went to bed together. we spooned. we cuddled. we watched family guy. we fell asleep, and when i woke up, i wrapped my arms around him, and then gave him a back rub that apparently rocked his world. (i made the mistake of kissing him several times on the back/neck/face during the rub... gotta keep that under control.) we had a toned-down repeat this past friday, and though i slept on the couch this time, i woke him up in the morning with a back rub that did NOT include kissing. it was funny because his girlfriend... oh yeah, guy is straight, and dating. anyway, his gf called when the back rub started, and he told her he'd call her back. i trumped the gf. WOW. j.w. swears that p.b. and i are going to hook up and wreck his relationship w/the gf, but i don't think so. i, at least, wouldn't want to do that to her. (m.m. and n.t. go to my alma mater and basically the only reason we get together is so i can sleep with them and rub them down. they let me kiss on them, pretty much anywhere, and actually beg me to come sleep with them/rub on them. they love it. i'm a little nervous though; i woke in the middle of the night one time i was with n.t. and i was humping the poor kid. he, thank God, was out cold. but it could happen again and it would not be good...)
i have yet to write about all my experiences; some will never be written. the first guy in this town i did anything with we shall call john. john is a little heavyset, tall, with glasses, and a not-unattactive face. i am not attracted to it, but i'm sure someone could be. he's a good kisser, and the first guy i've been with who was genuinely interested in me and wanted more than just a good JO or something. i think i was with him 3 times, a record for me, although the first time was mainly making out. he was very careful with me, and wouldn't actually let me go down on him or rim him because he knew he was my first real experience. (my FIRST experience, depending on how you classify, was an ugly asian guy who i greatly regret doing anything with and who has left me hating all asian men in general.) in all honesty, i would get back with him except that he is more of the "out" persuasion and tries to convince me that i should fully embrace this side of me... he doesn't get the bi thing. anyhoo, john mentioned to me that he knew a gay guy who went to church with me, as he had once gone to the same church, and i said i didn't know the guy. well... now i do. m.s. is small, quiet, mousy even, but i can totally see it in him. am i going to move on him? i doubt it. i'm kinda putting this chapter on the shelf, although the feelings are still there. i'm not on the lookout anymore, and the fact that we go to church together... all too weird. it's just interesting though, finding him after a few months of not knowing.
one final thought: i know why i am quick to brush off women who get too close. i am the fag who doesn't want a hag. these days, the majority of people i hang out with and fill my days with are male. women are complicated, and when it comes to me, they only want one of two things: a girlfriend or a husband. in other words, they can intuitively tell that i'm at least part gay, and they want a guy who is their friend, their buddy, who they can relate to without having to worry about him coming on to them. either that or they want to have my babies, which is rare, but it happens. there's basically maybe 2 or 3 girls i've ever met who want to be my friend and get to know me for me without one of those two endpoints. those are the girls i wanted to marry; it's just not happening yet. there are actually 4 i can think of now who meet all the criteria for "dateability" in my book. two said no and one of those got married, one i'm not too interested in nor do i know her well, and the fourth i've known for a while and could see it... but we're 5 hours apart, and after the boy, i'm not enthusiastic about long-distance.
bedtime. the cycle begins again...
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