I posted this on CL today for the heck of it. I think it turned out quite nicely.
This isn't so much a missed connection as it is a 'probably never will have the connection'. There are two fine young men who work under the same roof, and I would like to lament the fact that neither of them appear to play on this side of the street.
The first is the broad-jawed, scruffy-faced, v-neck wearing, apron and engineer-hat sporting, hairy-chested, thick-armed "Employee of the Apocalypse" who works at the Easy Chair. Lawd-A-Mercy this man grinds my beans. What I wouldn't give to put my lips on that java-scented neck of his and whisper sweet nothings in his ear that would make his heart beat so fast you would think he was high on espresso. I can't even go in the store when he's working. I just catch fleeting glimpses as I pass by the window. I'm too afraid to go in there and order something made by those meaty, coffee-stained hands. I might say something wrong... like "Hello, I'd like to order an [urk] Gawd you're hawt..."
Mr. Easy Chair Barista, Not-So-Easy To Get But Oh-So-Easy On My Eyes: you had me at "Whirrrrr, Blend, Grind, Pour." I'd love to have a taste of you, if you're offering samples.
The second piece of magnificence under said roof is the dirty blond, crew-cut, chiseled body, piercing eyed, demi-god wonder that works behind the desk at the gym. This beauty of a man broke my heart when he locked those full lips with a blond bearing distinctly female anatomy. I'm sure, like most men at the gym, he appreciates the awe-struck gaze of lesser mortals, particularly the beta male, but he has never stooped low enough to engage a fellow man in sporting, romping, bedroom calisthenics. I have had to catch my self several times while running on the treadmill when this Apollo breezes by and nearly knocks me off my feet, breathless.
Mr. Gym Front Desk Employee, you astound me with your flawless perfection and glances of sheer dominance. If you happen to notice a lesser man stumbling on the treadmill or dropping surprisingly light weights while staring at your physique, chances are you have found me. Do both of us a favor and just keep walking... I hate to see you go, but oh, how I love to watch you leave.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
post i've been working on since May
in lieu of the longer post i'm working on, here's my angst-y post for today.
why do we, as humans, pursue the thing that is worst for us? why do we run from the things that are simple, pat answers? we desire complexity and drama and tumult. it doesn't make sense. the kinder virtues are frowned upon, and the ability to lie, deceive, and get ahead in life by any means possible is lauded. i am frustrated by this turn-everything-on-its-head approach to life.
of course, i'm guilty of it too. i go after the guys who are impossible (the ones who really can't stand me, the ones i creep out, the ones who are straight, the ones who make it clear they're ignoring me or are not interested in me) and shun the ones who adore me (DD, Jay, the stalker FF). i even do it to girls. there are several (large) females who would love to date/marry me. i won't have it. not for a second. i can take my boys large; i need some meat on a girl, but not the fat. i say that i want to be in love, i want a relationship, i want someone nice and sweet and kind; i have found that no, i don't. i want sex. i want someone who needs me for little more than my body. i don't want them sweet or nice, either, at least not all the time. i want things to get dirty, nasty, kinky. i want someone who will kiss me, sure. but i also want someone to pull my hair, spit in my face, call me all kinds of ugly names and use words like "fuck" "whore" "slut" "bitch", and can take it when i do the same back to them. nothing turns me on more than someone who can go from zero to fuck in nothing flat.
through my relationship with jay, i discovered a lot about myself. i value things that i didn't think i did, or that i thought i shouldn't. i liked him because he was sweet, and kind, and romantic, and funny, yes. but i also liked him because he was good looking, and had a decent cock, and, in the beginning, a desire to pump my ass multiple times a week. once that was gone, though, i had little interest in him.
for some reason, DD is now appealing to me. sure, he's not that attractive, but he's got a thick cock and a filthy mind. i sent him a photo text of my ass the day after i broke up with jay (that's in the long post) and said "guess who's single?" he immediately called and wanted to know when i was coming down so he could "fuck your mouth, rape your ass, and coat the back of your throat with my cum." i, of course, jerked off on the phone while he was talking to me (like i have every time he's called for the past 3 years). i don't actually know when i'm going to see him, but i hope it's soon.
a part of me feels terrible writing these things, but it's honesty. do i still value true friendships, loving people, kindness? sure. i couldn't make it without JW and PB (although i honestly would love to sex both of them up). i want friends, yes. i want to date again, yes. but i also want some guys to just get down and dirty with. is that too much to ask?
why do we, as humans, pursue the thing that is worst for us? why do we run from the things that are simple, pat answers? we desire complexity and drama and tumult. it doesn't make sense. the kinder virtues are frowned upon, and the ability to lie, deceive, and get ahead in life by any means possible is lauded. i am frustrated by this turn-everything-on-its-head approach to life.
of course, i'm guilty of it too. i go after the guys who are impossible (the ones who really can't stand me, the ones i creep out, the ones who are straight, the ones who make it clear they're ignoring me or are not interested in me) and shun the ones who adore me (DD, Jay, the stalker FF). i even do it to girls. there are several (large) females who would love to date/marry me. i won't have it. not for a second. i can take my boys large; i need some meat on a girl, but not the fat. i say that i want to be in love, i want a relationship, i want someone nice and sweet and kind; i have found that no, i don't. i want sex. i want someone who needs me for little more than my body. i don't want them sweet or nice, either, at least not all the time. i want things to get dirty, nasty, kinky. i want someone who will kiss me, sure. but i also want someone to pull my hair, spit in my face, call me all kinds of ugly names and use words like "fuck" "whore" "slut" "bitch", and can take it when i do the same back to them. nothing turns me on more than someone who can go from zero to fuck in nothing flat.
through my relationship with jay, i discovered a lot about myself. i value things that i didn't think i did, or that i thought i shouldn't. i liked him because he was sweet, and kind, and romantic, and funny, yes. but i also liked him because he was good looking, and had a decent cock, and, in the beginning, a desire to pump my ass multiple times a week. once that was gone, though, i had little interest in him.
for some reason, DD is now appealing to me. sure, he's not that attractive, but he's got a thick cock and a filthy mind. i sent him a photo text of my ass the day after i broke up with jay (that's in the long post) and said "guess who's single?" he immediately called and wanted to know when i was coming down so he could "fuck your mouth, rape your ass, and coat the back of your throat with my cum." i, of course, jerked off on the phone while he was talking to me (like i have every time he's called for the past 3 years). i don't actually know when i'm going to see him, but i hope it's soon.
a part of me feels terrible writing these things, but it's honesty. do i still value true friendships, loving people, kindness? sure. i couldn't make it without JW and PB (although i honestly would love to sex both of them up). i want friends, yes. i want to date again, yes. but i also want some guys to just get down and dirty with. is that too much to ask?
posted by another gay blogger
Gay /Bi Indicator List
Sensitive x
Artistic Boy x
Sentimental/Romantic x
Good Dancer x (sometimes)
Witty x
Restless
Outsider
Perfectionist
Not Athletic x
Dreamer x
Intellectual x
Self-Conscious x
Straight Indicator List
Tough
Fix-it guy
Straight forward x
Good Drinker x (usually!)
Clownish
Energetic x
Center of Attention x
Carefree x
Jock
Realist
Physical x
Self-Confident x
Sensitive x
Artistic Boy x
Sentimental/Romantic x
Good Dancer x (sometimes)
Witty x
Restless
Outsider
Perfectionist
Not Athletic x
Dreamer x
Intellectual x
Self-Conscious x
Straight Indicator List
Tough
Fix-it guy
Straight forward x
Good Drinker x (usually!)
Clownish
Energetic x
Center of Attention x
Carefree x
Jock
Realist
Physical x
Self-Confident x
Saturday, May 15, 2010
shortcuts
since i have 4 drafts of posts to publish, and none of which i actually want to, i'll shorthand it:
-jay and i broke up. it was my choice, and it was on good terms. not easy, but good.
-we still talk. i'm not sure how i feel about it. i am doing the best i can.
-i'm supposed to go see him in june. uneasy about it.
-made my move on PB. got turned down. that is a story that needs to be told, maybe tonight. i am still madly in love with him.
-made my move on the DJ. got turned down.
-had sex with one of the guys i didn't have sex with last year. nothing too exciting, just a good hook-up. will do it again.
-making new friends and being pulled into new social circles. loving it. got a new "gay papa" in the third year class. glad to replace KF!
-still meeting the trainer 2x a week. still having a hard time getting under 14% body fat. still don't care. still bulking up a little each week. still haven't run since the trip to the east coast (another post that needs to be caught up on).
-moving in with PB sometime between NOW and june. so freaking excited, i can't even begin to express it.
-JW and PB and HH have all been over in the past few weeks playing Halo with me. i love those three boys so much. JW was pretty excited to hear i broke up with Jay. he told me he did not like him from day 1. i took comfort in that. anyway, it's just nice to have 3 handsome, very close friends like that right now.
-been having a lot of thoughts about myself lately (i know, entirely too egocentric) and how i have shifted my emphasis from finding someone to love, to finding a good lay. i realize now that it's because i really hadn't experienced either before, but if could find BOTH in the same person, i think i'd be set.
-i also have been thinking of how i want things i can't have or that aren't good for me more fiercely than the things i don't have to fight for or that are right there in front of me. this is particularly true and frustrating in the field of who i like as far as guys go. this thought alone deserves its own post.
that's all i feel like writing for now. hopefully i'll have some good news and happiness to post next time. in the meantime, enjoy the first summer song of 2010, Katy Perry's newest:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTVJTt-Gfx8
Two more weeks of school!!!!
-jay and i broke up. it was my choice, and it was on good terms. not easy, but good.
-we still talk. i'm not sure how i feel about it. i am doing the best i can.
-i'm supposed to go see him in june. uneasy about it.
-made my move on PB. got turned down. that is a story that needs to be told, maybe tonight. i am still madly in love with him.
-made my move on the DJ. got turned down.
-had sex with one of the guys i didn't have sex with last year. nothing too exciting, just a good hook-up. will do it again.
-making new friends and being pulled into new social circles. loving it. got a new "gay papa" in the third year class. glad to replace KF!
-still meeting the trainer 2x a week. still having a hard time getting under 14% body fat. still don't care. still bulking up a little each week. still haven't run since the trip to the east coast (another post that needs to be caught up on).
-moving in with PB sometime between NOW and june. so freaking excited, i can't even begin to express it.
-JW and PB and HH have all been over in the past few weeks playing Halo with me. i love those three boys so much. JW was pretty excited to hear i broke up with Jay. he told me he did not like him from day 1. i took comfort in that. anyway, it's just nice to have 3 handsome, very close friends like that right now.
-been having a lot of thoughts about myself lately (i know, entirely too egocentric) and how i have shifted my emphasis from finding someone to love, to finding a good lay. i realize now that it's because i really hadn't experienced either before, but if could find BOTH in the same person, i think i'd be set.
-i also have been thinking of how i want things i can't have or that aren't good for me more fiercely than the things i don't have to fight for or that are right there in front of me. this is particularly true and frustrating in the field of who i like as far as guys go. this thought alone deserves its own post.
that's all i feel like writing for now. hopefully i'll have some good news and happiness to post next time. in the meantime, enjoy the first summer song of 2010, Katy Perry's newest:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTVJTt-Gfx8
Two more weeks of school!!!!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Music
A break from my mundane ramblings and complaining.
First, the song that is lifting me up right now:
First, the song that is lifting me up right now:
And second, further proof that Lady Gaga is a marketing genius. She fucking knows her audience well, eh?
Note: I always choose the smallest size when selecting which video frame to embed. If you want to see it full-sized, watch it on youtube. Totally worth it.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
quickie
i have a test in a few hours, but i figured since i finished studying i can update a little...
-i have a pilonidal cyst, on top of the low white blood cell count and low vitamin D, GERD, and who knows what else. i know i have 2 plantar's warts on my feet, and i'm supposed to get scoped for barrett's esophagus before too long... but this cyst thing is starting to really hurt. i am really stressing about it because i may need surgery for it, which means 2 things: no running, and scars. normally, i wouldn't care about scars, but it's on my tailbone, and for a gay man, scars on the ass are not conducive to attractiveness. i mean, a nice ass is like currency in the gay world. i'm nervous about getting it cut out. maybe it's still early enough to get it lanced...
-i talked about the 'no pants' party last post. the afternoon of the party, i had just left the gym and was worried about if i should go, if i should tell jay, what i should wear, etc. just then, PB texted me and wanted to know if i wanted to do dinner. heck yes i did. it was a breath of relief for me, really, not having to make the choice of whether or not to go to the party. i've hung out with PB twice since then, playing video games. that night, though, was fun. we were together from 6 pm until 4 am. he got drunk around midnight, maybe a little after, and things got fun. he was wildly inappropriate and sexually ambiguous, and i loved it. his one roommate V (the one graduating) went to bed early, so the other roommate A (who will be there next year) and his ex hung out with PB and i, played some water pong (while drinking, weird), and in general were drunk, loud, and lewd. it was awesome.
-i've been running a lot lately. my shins are in so much pain. i'm getting faster, but my energy level is still not where i want it to be, nor is my midsection. i've lost about 5 pounds in the last 3 weeks, so we're on a '1.5 lb/week' loss rate. i hope it continues... my legs and arms are starting to look good, especially my calves.
-on the one hand, i love babies. on the other hand, i hate pregnant yuppies. i have a lot of pregnant friends from undergrad (since most of them married right out of the gate and started pushing the little suckers out), and they keep posting stupid things like, "omg ultrasound showed a BABY!!!" and i just want to be like, no shit, you had sex to MAKE the little fucker, you've known you were preggers for a solid month or three, and you went to the doc to take a look at it. it's doing exactly what it's genetically programmed to do: grow inside your uterus. i guess it just irks me that they treat it like a miracle every single time it happens because it's happening to THEM for the first time. i'm sure i'll be doing the exact same thing if i ever have a kid... the one girl is in the hospital right now posting how many centimeters she's dilated... not what facebook was made for, folks.
ok, that's all for now, i have a lot more ground to cover, but the interesting stuff will take a lot longer to write, and i've got to sleep. (although jay isn't off work yet, so i'm probably going to just barely doze off before he calls... it never fails.) more tomorrow, hopefully.
-i have a pilonidal cyst, on top of the low white blood cell count and low vitamin D, GERD, and who knows what else. i know i have 2 plantar's warts on my feet, and i'm supposed to get scoped for barrett's esophagus before too long... but this cyst thing is starting to really hurt. i am really stressing about it because i may need surgery for it, which means 2 things: no running, and scars. normally, i wouldn't care about scars, but it's on my tailbone, and for a gay man, scars on the ass are not conducive to attractiveness. i mean, a nice ass is like currency in the gay world. i'm nervous about getting it cut out. maybe it's still early enough to get it lanced...
-i talked about the 'no pants' party last post. the afternoon of the party, i had just left the gym and was worried about if i should go, if i should tell jay, what i should wear, etc. just then, PB texted me and wanted to know if i wanted to do dinner. heck yes i did. it was a breath of relief for me, really, not having to make the choice of whether or not to go to the party. i've hung out with PB twice since then, playing video games. that night, though, was fun. we were together from 6 pm until 4 am. he got drunk around midnight, maybe a little after, and things got fun. he was wildly inappropriate and sexually ambiguous, and i loved it. his one roommate V (the one graduating) went to bed early, so the other roommate A (who will be there next year) and his ex hung out with PB and i, played some water pong (while drinking, weird), and in general were drunk, loud, and lewd. it was awesome.
-i've been running a lot lately. my shins are in so much pain. i'm getting faster, but my energy level is still not where i want it to be, nor is my midsection. i've lost about 5 pounds in the last 3 weeks, so we're on a '1.5 lb/week' loss rate. i hope it continues... my legs and arms are starting to look good, especially my calves.
-on the one hand, i love babies. on the other hand, i hate pregnant yuppies. i have a lot of pregnant friends from undergrad (since most of them married right out of the gate and started pushing the little suckers out), and they keep posting stupid things like, "omg ultrasound showed a BABY!!!" and i just want to be like, no shit, you had sex to MAKE the little fucker, you've known you were preggers for a solid month or three, and you went to the doc to take a look at it. it's doing exactly what it's genetically programmed to do: grow inside your uterus. i guess it just irks me that they treat it like a miracle every single time it happens because it's happening to THEM for the first time. i'm sure i'll be doing the exact same thing if i ever have a kid... the one girl is in the hospital right now posting how many centimeters she's dilated... not what facebook was made for, folks.
ok, that's all for now, i have a lot more ground to cover, but the interesting stuff will take a lot longer to write, and i've got to sleep. (although jay isn't off work yet, so i'm probably going to just barely doze off before he calls... it never fails.) more tomorrow, hopefully.
"and you thought i was happy..."
once again, HUGE HUGE HUGE test tomorrow... once again, torn up emotionally and unable to study. i have talked to both the lesbian and JW tonight, and i can't get it out of my head. JW said it best: "anyone else would have dumped Jay a long time ago."
it's killing me. JW told me he has only seen me happy once since Jay and i started dating, and it was right when i came back from NOLA the first time. i know he's right. i am in this relationship because of what I do for HIM. i am being drained dry, and i do nothing to stop it. he says i'm incredible, the best boyfriend he has ever had, and thousands of other things that make me sound like an angel. when it comes down to it, though, the meat and potatoes of the relationship, we're bankrupt. he thinks we're married; i'm not even sure i want to date him anymore. he's blissfully happy; i'm miserable as hell.
JW and L tell me i need to talk to him, get things worked out. i don't want to, either because i'm afraid it will end it... or because it won't.
there is a lot i want to write about, but once again, BULLET POINTS!
-i don't remember mentioning this: on my last trip to see Jay, i was accompanied on the plane from one city to the next by a dear sweet lady in our class. she's about to hit her 40's, i think, but still looks 28. she's a devout Christian, and very emotional, but sweet as can be. i have always enjoyed her presence, and this was no different. she started to talk to me about Jay, and asked how i felt about being gay and being a Christian at the same time. i told her i still wasn't sure about everything... and then she told me her story. she was a flower child, a free spirit of the 80's, and had lived the drugs/sex/rock and roll lifestyle in her 20's. she had been married to a woman in amsterdam, and lived the lesbian lifestyle for years. it was her faith that made her change her mind and direction in life, and she said it's still hard, almost 20 years later, to be a single woman and have feelings for other women that she feels she morally can't act on. tears flowed from her eyes as she realized i knew the loneliness that comes from living that life, and i told her i had grown TIRED of it. i wanted the affection, the love, the relationship. i was tired of women turning me down - me, the guy most girls say they hope their husband will be like, the guy mothers wish their daughters would date and marry. turned down flat. she had the same experience with men, and is so incredibly lonely. she told me she feels she wasted the 'beautiful' years of her life ("i was hot!" she told me) on women when she should have used her looks and charm to catch a man. i felt horrible for her, and wondered if i would ever feel that way. on the other hand, guys can be terrible people, and with divorce rates what they are, she might have been just as alone and miserable. no telling.
-L has introduced me to several of her gay friends who are couples. the first two i met at a birthday party for the one; the second two i met this week. the blonde, JG, is a third year, and the black-haired, dark-skinned one is his lebonese-american boyfriend, GC. we went for a hike the other day, and talked non-stop the whole time. it was so, so nice to finally get to talk to some level-headed, non-fem, in-a-serious-functioning-relationship gays. in short, they are dying for the DJ to come out, they aren't too fond of Jay, and they think PB, MPD, and JW all want me. and also, they're jealous of my interactions with SW and SN (the spartans). i found it funny that they thought JW wants me, because HE'S always telling me that PB wants me. it made sense to them, though, because he doesn't like Jay and he is my sounding board for all things gay and related to my relationship with Jay. i'm pretty sure they're wrong, but i do feel i make strong emotional connections to straight guys and allow them to toy with the possibility of 'something' more.
-last week was LGBT awareness week here, and L took me to a 'lecture' of sorts given by a gay i met when i went to the movie with her gay friends a few weeks/months ago and a priest who works for the school and is WHOA gay. (really really really gay.) it was about faith and queers, and basically i hated it. i really cannot identify with the religious LGBT community, nor can i reconcile their treatment of the scriptures with any kind of applicable faith. say all you want, but i don't think you should have to dig a super decoder ring out of your cereal box to understand the scriptures in a way that fits the gay agenda, nor do i agree with 'queering' the Bible and finding 'your' truth in it. do we all do that? of course! we all find the truth we want, regardless of creed or religion. but i still think it's wrong for a people group (gays) to take a religious document and bend it to their agenda, make it say things it never has, or simply dismiss it as 'stories' like Aesop's fables from which we can glean general truths and good life lessons, but which we shouldn't really take as historical fact or a guideline for our morals and lives. sorry, that's not how i see it. (theoretically.)
-so the 'God hates fags' people aka westboro baptist church is coming to town this weekend. i am excited to say that my church has at least PROPOSED to go out and do something. they are saying they want to raise funds for the people that WBC will be protesting. on the other side, my gay friends in town are amassing their forces to counter-protest. i am a little torn as to which side i want to help, but i think i will end up helping my church. seems more practical. more on this after this weekend!
-2 things about gay men: first, they don't REALLY want equality and rights like everyone else because then they won't be a huge issue, and that just isn't their nature. they have to be drama, the center of attention. if equality ever happened, it would be the death of the loud-mouthed gay culture. (yay?) second, gay men are fascinating and unique because lesbians are basically just women who got tired of men, or aren't inhibited anymore. most women are a drunk sleep-over away from a lesbian experience. men? our identity is so wrapped up in our sexuality. we can't be seen as 'girly' by having legitimate feelings and attraction towards another man. women, of course, can comment on how hot a guy OR girl is and no one bats an eye. she isn't a dyke or a tom just because she notices how sexy another girl is. but you hear a dude say 'whoa, look at the ass on him!' and instantly everyone is like, wow, what a fag... gay men are a fascinating study because it takes so much more for a guy to be homosexual and admit he's attracted to other men. i was at a coffee shop with a straight buddy of mine this week, and he opened up a little to me about his feelings about the designations of 'gay', 'straight', and 'bi'. i totally agreed when he said it's a gray area, that most people have a little 'gay' mixed in their straight. he admitted that he's not 100% straight, and has no qualms about pointing out a hot man. (at this point he had never been hotter to me...) it's rare to hear a guy say that.
-MPD's girl has apparently moved here. she quit her job and is more than likely living with him now. i haven't seen or heard from him since this happened, so i assume i'll find out more when the fallout hits. i had a final talk with him before she moved here, and i told him, "you and i are getting to the point where we need to evaluate just what we are giving up to not be alone." both of us are very affectionate, loving, passionate people. both of us are in relationships that more than likely are going to bite us in the ass. his response was basically 'i'm tired of being alone, and she's there for me.'
i've had several song lyrics running through my head about this:
'guess i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all' - need you now, lady antebellum
'i don't want to walk this earth if i gotta do it solo' - solo, iyaz
'don't care about all the pain in front of me, i'm just trying to be happy' - happy, leona lewis
i feel like we're both THERE right now. it's too painful to go it alone, so we'd rather endure the pain of a sucky relationship instead. i'm at my breaking point, though. i told JW about Jay forcefully kicking me off of him, the blinding rage that came after, and how he hits my dick when he sees i have a hard-on just from seeing him naked. it's not right, and i can't stand it anymore. JW told me what i already know: i have to TELL HIM when i don't like something RIGHT THEN, right when it's happening.
-ok, so it's going to be late, and i'm going to flunk tomorrow, but i don't care at this point. maybe then i will have to remediate and skip seeing Jay next week... ugh, i hate thinking like that...
it's killing me. JW told me he has only seen me happy once since Jay and i started dating, and it was right when i came back from NOLA the first time. i know he's right. i am in this relationship because of what I do for HIM. i am being drained dry, and i do nothing to stop it. he says i'm incredible, the best boyfriend he has ever had, and thousands of other things that make me sound like an angel. when it comes down to it, though, the meat and potatoes of the relationship, we're bankrupt. he thinks we're married; i'm not even sure i want to date him anymore. he's blissfully happy; i'm miserable as hell.
JW and L tell me i need to talk to him, get things worked out. i don't want to, either because i'm afraid it will end it... or because it won't.
there is a lot i want to write about, but once again, BULLET POINTS!
-i don't remember mentioning this: on my last trip to see Jay, i was accompanied on the plane from one city to the next by a dear sweet lady in our class. she's about to hit her 40's, i think, but still looks 28. she's a devout Christian, and very emotional, but sweet as can be. i have always enjoyed her presence, and this was no different. she started to talk to me about Jay, and asked how i felt about being gay and being a Christian at the same time. i told her i still wasn't sure about everything... and then she told me her story. she was a flower child, a free spirit of the 80's, and had lived the drugs/sex/rock and roll lifestyle in her 20's. she had been married to a woman in amsterdam, and lived the lesbian lifestyle for years. it was her faith that made her change her mind and direction in life, and she said it's still hard, almost 20 years later, to be a single woman and have feelings for other women that she feels she morally can't act on. tears flowed from her eyes as she realized i knew the loneliness that comes from living that life, and i told her i had grown TIRED of it. i wanted the affection, the love, the relationship. i was tired of women turning me down - me, the guy most girls say they hope their husband will be like, the guy mothers wish their daughters would date and marry. turned down flat. she had the same experience with men, and is so incredibly lonely. she told me she feels she wasted the 'beautiful' years of her life ("i was hot!" she told me) on women when she should have used her looks and charm to catch a man. i felt horrible for her, and wondered if i would ever feel that way. on the other hand, guys can be terrible people, and with divorce rates what they are, she might have been just as alone and miserable. no telling.
-L has introduced me to several of her gay friends who are couples. the first two i met at a birthday party for the one; the second two i met this week. the blonde, JG, is a third year, and the black-haired, dark-skinned one is his lebonese-american boyfriend, GC. we went for a hike the other day, and talked non-stop the whole time. it was so, so nice to finally get to talk to some level-headed, non-fem, in-a-serious-functioning-relationship gays. in short, they are dying for the DJ to come out, they aren't too fond of Jay, and they think PB, MPD, and JW all want me. and also, they're jealous of my interactions with SW and SN (the spartans). i found it funny that they thought JW wants me, because HE'S always telling me that PB wants me. it made sense to them, though, because he doesn't like Jay and he is my sounding board for all things gay and related to my relationship with Jay. i'm pretty sure they're wrong, but i do feel i make strong emotional connections to straight guys and allow them to toy with the possibility of 'something' more.
-last week was LGBT awareness week here, and L took me to a 'lecture' of sorts given by a gay i met when i went to the movie with her gay friends a few weeks/months ago and a priest who works for the school and is WHOA gay. (really really really gay.) it was about faith and queers, and basically i hated it. i really cannot identify with the religious LGBT community, nor can i reconcile their treatment of the scriptures with any kind of applicable faith. say all you want, but i don't think you should have to dig a super decoder ring out of your cereal box to understand the scriptures in a way that fits the gay agenda, nor do i agree with 'queering' the Bible and finding 'your' truth in it. do we all do that? of course! we all find the truth we want, regardless of creed or religion. but i still think it's wrong for a people group (gays) to take a religious document and bend it to their agenda, make it say things it never has, or simply dismiss it as 'stories' like Aesop's fables from which we can glean general truths and good life lessons, but which we shouldn't really take as historical fact or a guideline for our morals and lives. sorry, that's not how i see it. (theoretically.)
-so the 'God hates fags' people aka westboro baptist church is coming to town this weekend. i am excited to say that my church has at least PROPOSED to go out and do something. they are saying they want to raise funds for the people that WBC will be protesting. on the other side, my gay friends in town are amassing their forces to counter-protest. i am a little torn as to which side i want to help, but i think i will end up helping my church. seems more practical. more on this after this weekend!
-2 things about gay men: first, they don't REALLY want equality and rights like everyone else because then they won't be a huge issue, and that just isn't their nature. they have to be drama, the center of attention. if equality ever happened, it would be the death of the loud-mouthed gay culture. (yay?) second, gay men are fascinating and unique because lesbians are basically just women who got tired of men, or aren't inhibited anymore. most women are a drunk sleep-over away from a lesbian experience. men? our identity is so wrapped up in our sexuality. we can't be seen as 'girly' by having legitimate feelings and attraction towards another man. women, of course, can comment on how hot a guy OR girl is and no one bats an eye. she isn't a dyke or a tom just because she notices how sexy another girl is. but you hear a dude say 'whoa, look at the ass on him!' and instantly everyone is like, wow, what a fag... gay men are a fascinating study because it takes so much more for a guy to be homosexual and admit he's attracted to other men. i was at a coffee shop with a straight buddy of mine this week, and he opened up a little to me about his feelings about the designations of 'gay', 'straight', and 'bi'. i totally agreed when he said it's a gray area, that most people have a little 'gay' mixed in their straight. he admitted that he's not 100% straight, and has no qualms about pointing out a hot man. (at this point he had never been hotter to me...) it's rare to hear a guy say that.
-MPD's girl has apparently moved here. she quit her job and is more than likely living with him now. i haven't seen or heard from him since this happened, so i assume i'll find out more when the fallout hits. i had a final talk with him before she moved here, and i told him, "you and i are getting to the point where we need to evaluate just what we are giving up to not be alone." both of us are very affectionate, loving, passionate people. both of us are in relationships that more than likely are going to bite us in the ass. his response was basically 'i'm tired of being alone, and she's there for me.'
i've had several song lyrics running through my head about this:
'guess i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all' - need you now, lady antebellum
'i don't want to walk this earth if i gotta do it solo' - solo, iyaz
'don't care about all the pain in front of me, i'm just trying to be happy' - happy, leona lewis
i feel like we're both THERE right now. it's too painful to go it alone, so we'd rather endure the pain of a sucky relationship instead. i'm at my breaking point, though. i told JW about Jay forcefully kicking me off of him, the blinding rage that came after, and how he hits my dick when he sees i have a hard-on just from seeing him naked. it's not right, and i can't stand it anymore. JW told me what i already know: i have to TELL HIM when i don't like something RIGHT THEN, right when it's happening.
-ok, so it's going to be late, and i'm going to flunk tomorrow, but i don't care at this point. maybe then i will have to remediate and skip seeing Jay next week... ugh, i hate thinking like that...
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