so many emotions right now... i can hardly think to write. (compounded by the fact that i have the flu... again.) the painkillers are kicking in, so i should be coherent for a few.
jaybird left today. he arrived friday, and OH what an amazing 6 days it was. we are two peas in a playful little pod. one of my friends at school who was in NOLA with us offered her apartment and full sized bed to us for the duration of his stay so i wouldn't have to work around my roommates (and gross apartment). it was INCREDIBLE. i think what i loved about it was it was a normal experience, almost like playing house. it would take too long to write about everything, so in shorthand:
-friday: picked jaybird up from the airport. cried when i saw him. didn't realize how much just seeing him would affect me. did the opposite of road head on the way to cracker barrel... that shit is HARD. (he had to hold the steering wheel, and i put it on cruise control.) fogged the windows in the parking lot @ cracker barrel, walked in holding hands and scandalized every little old person in the room. (and trust me, that is 99% of the cracker barrel population.) went 'home', took care of 'business' real quick, and then headed to the charity event that has been stressing me out for 3 weeks. (total success, by the way.)
-saturday: haircuts, snow (he loved it!), a visit with some of his old friends (long story, very coincidental happenstance), hanging out with PB and then video games... too much fun.
-sunday: skipped church, cuddled for about 8 hours total all day. that's all i remember. great day.
-monday: failed test, got the flu. changed jaybird's departure date to today. (by the way, this was one of the most EXPENSIVE 6 days of my life... i am SCARED to look at my bank account.) dinner party with kids from NOLA, JW, and DD. great, great night, but i think i spread the flu around. oops. the bf of the girl who rents the apartment suggested we have a coming out party for me next week... HECK NO. i mean, i AM coming out, and i AM excited about it, but NO that's not me. JW got hammered and kept bugging the dog and cat. so funny to watch. jaybird cooked a scrumptious taco dinner with some incredible spiced meat. i was already feeling nauseous, but i still was able to down a mini burrito. fantastic.
tuesday: jaybird babied me all day. he loved it. he also almost made me throw up with his magical flu stew. it was good for me, but apparently my body does NOT like celery when i have the flu. watched "julie and julia", loved it. great date night movie. finished the night with the best sex EVER.
today: i was delirious this AM, hot and sweating, and he felt so cold... i hate being sick. dropped him off at the airport. the goodbye was easy, much easier than i thought it would be. no tear, just 'see you in a month' and a nice long kiss.
i love what we have. it's easy, natural, fun, romantic, caring, nurturing, emotional and level-headed at the same time... i can honestly say i've never been happier...
...or more torn.
we had a few good talks about 'us'. he wants to marry me. it's been 5 weeks, and he's set on me as his life partner. he says he can't survive without me, or at least doesn't want to. i know that's his way of talking, but it kind of puts pressure on me to hold my tongue about what i'm feeling. i finally told him though: i would turn down any guy for him, but i'm not sure i'd turn down a girl. he was crushed. i tried to make him understand that i have been dreaming for 24 years of a wedding day with a white dress, one that my family and friends would be happy to come to and support. i dream of watching my wife's belly grow big with our child, and joying over every moment of our baby's life. i dream of children that are MINE and hers, not mine and my husband's and some lesbian's who is looking for money. it's fucking HARD to give that up in an instant, even for such an amazing, perfect man. we are compatible on so many levels... and yet i see little things that tear me apart. he expects me to basically see him as my new family and downplay my blood family. my family isn't his, though, we love each other and have an incredible bond that blows people away, no matter how dysfunctional we may be at times. he has had my heart for 5 weeks; they've had it for 24 years and counting.
there are other little things that have me questioning. for instance, the jealousy thing. in his defense, he apologized after he met him, but initially jaybird was very jealous of PB and his relationship with me. i was a little hurt, but i could understand. he's like that. another little thing is our libido. don't get me wrong, he's GREAT in bed. but he's also 5 years older. you say the WORD cock and i'm hard; him, not so much. we basically had sex once a day while he was here, which was fine for the both of us, especially since i'm used to sleeping with about 1 guy a month. something is nagging in the back of my head, though. despite the fact that sex is not a HUGE deal to either of us, it's still a part of our relationship that should still be exciting and fresh to us both. i mean, we've only HAD it 7 times total! i know he's been around the block 30 or so times, so maybe i'm expecting too much from him. i just worry that he's too ready to settle down and become housewives this early. he is dead set on moving closer to me. i'm ok with that. i just don't want to settle down this soon. do i want to settle down? yes. with him? yes. but now? i don't think so.
last thing: this blog. i haven't let him see it yet, and i wonder if he's looked for it. it's hard for me to give this up. it's a place where i can voice my opinions and thoughts and fears without worry. at the same time, i want to show him i trust him explicitly. i mean, the boy still reads this, for crying out loud, i'm sure jay would not find that fair in the slightest. (he also doesn't think it's fair that we live so far apart and get such little time together... he's kinda right about that one. but i'm ok with long distance for now.)
going to bed, perhaps more thoughts in the AM.
ps, the title of this post is in reference to leona lewis' incredible new song, happy...
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
snapshot
just a few trinkets:
-i have never been this much in love, this happy, this excited about spending every spare minute with a phone plastered to my head to talk to a man 900 miles away.
-the boy is dating someone. uncanny. we seem to live our lives in parallel.
-turkey day was uneventful. spent 3 hours with dad's family. felt kinda bad, seeing them for such a short time, but we see them several times a year, not just at thanksgiving. mom and sister weren't in the mood to deal with that side of the family, and besides sister and little and brother apparently had places to be. i drove them all home, and they scattered.
-older brother spent the holiday with some friends up north. lucky bastard.
-i need to start writing down humorous things people say, such as the "was that a gay joke" moments i've had with pb (now that he knows), but here's one from jw:
jw (already buzzed): you and i never go out drinking together! let's get a beer together tonight!
me: ok.
jw: go get a beer... or for you, i guess some kind of cranberry cocktail or martini...
me: FUCK YOU!
(there were some more quotes i wanted to remember, but i forgot, even though i wrote the locations where they happened to jog my memory... i guess it doesn't work that way.)
-some of my funnier moments have made it to pointsincase.com's college quotes section... i get a kick out of seeing them. i've been reading PIC for about 6 years now, on and off, so it's fun now contributing a little to the humor. favorite author is nathan degraaf, love everything he writes.
-so much i want to write, so little time, and i've come to the point of contentment where writing seems superfluous. i wrote in the past to express frustration or angst or desire... but when i feel fulfilled, i feel i need to say is "i'm happy."
i'm happy.
-i have never been this much in love, this happy, this excited about spending every spare minute with a phone plastered to my head to talk to a man 900 miles away.
-the boy is dating someone. uncanny. we seem to live our lives in parallel.
-turkey day was uneventful. spent 3 hours with dad's family. felt kinda bad, seeing them for such a short time, but we see them several times a year, not just at thanksgiving. mom and sister weren't in the mood to deal with that side of the family, and besides sister and little and brother apparently had places to be. i drove them all home, and they scattered.
-older brother spent the holiday with some friends up north. lucky bastard.
-i need to start writing down humorous things people say, such as the "was that a gay joke" moments i've had with pb (now that he knows), but here's one from jw:
jw (already buzzed): you and i never go out drinking together! let's get a beer together tonight!
me: ok.
jw: go get a beer... or for you, i guess some kind of cranberry cocktail or martini...
me: FUCK YOU!
(there were some more quotes i wanted to remember, but i forgot, even though i wrote the locations where they happened to jog my memory... i guess it doesn't work that way.)
-some of my funnier moments have made it to pointsincase.com's college quotes section... i get a kick out of seeing them. i've been reading PIC for about 6 years now, on and off, so it's fun now contributing a little to the humor. favorite author is nathan degraaf, love everything he writes.
-so much i want to write, so little time, and i've come to the point of contentment where writing seems superfluous. i wrote in the past to express frustration or angst or desire... but when i feel fulfilled, i feel i need to say is "i'm happy."
i'm happy.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
the stuff of fairy tales
NOLA, November 2, 7:15 pm: I walked into the restaurant/bar on a quieter street (it's all kind of relative, especially 2 days after Halloween) with several classmates and some residents/interns. 19 in all, I think we were. As the hostess walked us to the back of the room, I saw a young-looking waiter in the service area and thought "I hope he's waiting our table." Sure enough he was, and he was easy on the eyes up close. Short, about my weight, fresh-faced, twinkling eyes, and hair tastefully done. Nice. And then he started talking. I cannot remember the very first thing he said, but I was laughing from the get-go. I said something smart, and he quipped, "You behave, now, or I'll drag you to the bar and have some big tranny smack you around, honey." Everything from there on out was between him and me. I swear I was staring at him from that point on. And he was staring BACK. The moment I knew I had him was when he brought me back my drink order: I had asked for a rum and coke, and he plunked a whiskey sour in front of me. Everyone around me looked at me, looked at him, and tried to get his attention and point out the error. I tried to play it off, but he ran and got a rum and coke. I was grinning on the inside, though. He had been unable to pay attention while I gave my order. He LIKED me! We kept a steady stream of witty banter going through dinner, and at one point he said, "If I don't look out, I'm going to be calling you 'Boss' in the morning..." When he brought the tickets back, he dropped mine in front of me first and said, "Don't forget to leave your number, honey." I laughed... and then I wrote it down.
As we left, I squeezed his arm and said, "Call me."
His eyes went wide as saucers, and he asked, "You left it?"
"I don't know," I teased, "Did I?"
He whipped out his pen. "Well here, just in case..." I laughed so hard.
"Last check, buddy. Call me when you're off."
I got the first text at 11:40. "Hey handsome, it's your waiter. You up for a drink tonight?" I smiled. This was it.
I met him after midnight in front of the casino and hugged him. He was beautiful. All black (waiter's uniform), pea coat, and the nicest face I've ever seen. As we turned to walk to the bar, I reached down and grabbed his hand. It felt good, natural, easy. We talked on the way to the bar, getting to know each other. We got our first drink at a really small hole-in-the-wall bar, and walked to Jackson Square. There were very few people there, and he started telling me the history of the cathedral there. I was only half listening. My heart was soaring. I FELT something with him. I dragged him over to a metal bench and sat down next to him. "I just want to rest a minute," I said, "My heart is racing."
"You just want to make out, don't you?" he teased.
I promptly set my drink down and said earnestly "Yes please."
That first kiss blew every other kiss I have ever had away. I knew it then. This one was a keeper.
We went from bar to bar, flirting, talking, drinking, making out, holding hands, until about 3 am. We on the balcony of a gay bar on Bourbon Street and looked out over the dwindling crowd. "You terrify me." He said.
"Why?"
"Because I'm falling for you, hard. I really like you. I could date you, but I have no way of knowing if you just came to town to get your rocks off and then leave me. You say all the right things, you're sweet, you're romantic, you're hot..." I laughed. "No seriously," he insisted, "You're all I've ever wanted. I'm afraid you won't feel the same way." I kissed him deeply, dipping him over the railing.
"I'm right there with you." I said quietly. "I've been looking for someone who was just as romantic, just as passionate, just as open as me. You're it."
He looked into my eyes for a few moments, and then: "Come on, baby, let's get a room."
We danced and sang our way down the street to a hotel in the French Quarter. It ended with him singing me a selection from "Beauty and the Beast" (which he had played the Beast in at one point somewhere, I wasn't listening), at the end of which I put him into a dip over my knee and kissed him softly.
We spent the next 3 nights at that hotel in room 409. We cuddled, we had sex, we slept together, bathed together, watched TV together, we got up every morning and did the exact same thing for breakfast: split a croissant and 2 pastries, each with a glass of water and a glass of OJ while he read the newspaper and I gawked at the hot guy I got to sleep with the night before. We went on walks around the city, visited his house, met his roommate, walked around Audubon Park, watched the musical episode of "Buffy" while we cuddled... Tuesday night I came out to my friends when I invited Jason to dinner with us, and they all recognized him from the night before. They were so excited for me, and they kept hugging me, telling me "Aw, I love you!" and that they had never seen me happier. We all got drunk and bar hopped around. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life. They loved Jason. He loved them. We loved each other around them. Wednesday night Jason and I went on a date and got Italian at one of the best spot in town for laid-back cuisine. He found the design for a tattoo he wants (a phoenix in the shape of a fleur de lis, go figure) on the wall, carried me piggy back out of the restaurant, and I have no idea what else we did that night.
Oh, that's right, we had lots and lots of sex. It was my first time having 'real' sex, and I could not get enough of it. He told me it was the first time he's ever call it "making love" because it's the first time he's really cared that much. I had to agree. I have never felt like this about anyone.
I left the next morning. It was hard. I wanted to stay for weeks. We had spent nearly every waking and sleeping moment together. Falling asleep next to the most beautiful man I have ever been with, waking up with him, spending all of our time together, and doing it all over... I was in my own personal heaven.
It's now the 18th. 16 days it's been since Jaybird and I met (that's his nickname, mine is Jameson because of the whiskey sour/rum and coke incident), 13 since we last kissed. We have talked on the phone every morning and every night since then, at the very least. He has had to get a new phone plan even though I'm the only one he talks to on the phone. This is the easiest, most natural relationship I've ever had.
We're learning a lot about each other, and about ourselves. I cuddled with PB the other night after playing DD for him and his 21 y.o. friend. Jaybird told me he was jealous. I could relate, and I felt horrible. The first time the boy slept with another guy when we were e-mailing it tore me up. I thought that should have been me, I should have been there... but I couldn't be. I felt terrible doing the same thing to Jaybird, but at the same time I am having a hard time imagining myself not cuddling with my straight guy friends. He says it's ok if I do, and that he has to deal with his own severe jealousy issues, but I don't want him to have to. I want to be the kind of man he can love with ease. Nothing should come between us, but I guess sometimes things do, and we need to learn to cope with that. (He actually told me that he's ok if I sleep around, but I refuse to. He won't, so I won't. Besides, I tried an open relationship with the boy, and it felt terrible. You should never have to share someone you love like that, and vice-versa.)
Every day feels like a fairytale. The things we say to each other would probably make most people gag, but as he said in NOLA, it's incredible to find someone who talks the same way and is equally romantic. He's masculine, hairy, shorter than me, thick (not fat, but meaty), yet cries with regularity at the things I say to express my love. I mean, I made him cry the first night we were in bed together.
When you find what you've been looking for your whole life... You know it.
I am the luckiest man alive...
Postscript:
Boy,
If you still read this, I forgive you for leaving me like you did. I was incredibly hurt and angry at first, and wanted you out of my life. I wrote you a very upsetting letter and never sent it. I couldn't. I still love you, but not like that. Jaybird tells me that he still hangs out with his exes regularly. He says his break-ups aren't bad. He even sleeps in the same bed with the one sometimes. That sounds so foreign to me. I wish ours had been a little better. I wish we could still talk. I wish you didn't think of me like you do. My feelings for you have passed, and as trite as it sounds, I got over you. (Mostly because of Jay, but that's not the point.)
I'd like to be able to talk to you about our lives again. I know you won't have feelings for me again, and after the "break-up," I can never see you the way I did before. If you ever get to the point you think you can be friends like we talked about months ago, drop me a line, you know where to find me. Otherwise, you're free to keep up with me here. I don't mind anymore. You were a good lesson for me, and you're a wonderful young man with so much to give. I hope you find that inside yourself someday and can truly fall in love with someone who is madly in love with you. You're easy to love; it's not easy to be loved by you.
All the best,
Percy
As we left, I squeezed his arm and said, "Call me."
His eyes went wide as saucers, and he asked, "You left it?"
"I don't know," I teased, "Did I?"
He whipped out his pen. "Well here, just in case..." I laughed so hard.
"Last check, buddy. Call me when you're off."
I got the first text at 11:40. "Hey handsome, it's your waiter. You up for a drink tonight?" I smiled. This was it.
I met him after midnight in front of the casino and hugged him. He was beautiful. All black (waiter's uniform), pea coat, and the nicest face I've ever seen. As we turned to walk to the bar, I reached down and grabbed his hand. It felt good, natural, easy. We talked on the way to the bar, getting to know each other. We got our first drink at a really small hole-in-the-wall bar, and walked to Jackson Square. There were very few people there, and he started telling me the history of the cathedral there. I was only half listening. My heart was soaring. I FELT something with him. I dragged him over to a metal bench and sat down next to him. "I just want to rest a minute," I said, "My heart is racing."
"You just want to make out, don't you?" he teased.
I promptly set my drink down and said earnestly "Yes please."
That first kiss blew every other kiss I have ever had away. I knew it then. This one was a keeper.
We went from bar to bar, flirting, talking, drinking, making out, holding hands, until about 3 am. We on the balcony of a gay bar on Bourbon Street and looked out over the dwindling crowd. "You terrify me." He said.
"Why?"
"Because I'm falling for you, hard. I really like you. I could date you, but I have no way of knowing if you just came to town to get your rocks off and then leave me. You say all the right things, you're sweet, you're romantic, you're hot..." I laughed. "No seriously," he insisted, "You're all I've ever wanted. I'm afraid you won't feel the same way." I kissed him deeply, dipping him over the railing.
"I'm right there with you." I said quietly. "I've been looking for someone who was just as romantic, just as passionate, just as open as me. You're it."
He looked into my eyes for a few moments, and then: "Come on, baby, let's get a room."
We danced and sang our way down the street to a hotel in the French Quarter. It ended with him singing me a selection from "Beauty and the Beast" (which he had played the Beast in at one point somewhere, I wasn't listening), at the end of which I put him into a dip over my knee and kissed him softly.
We spent the next 3 nights at that hotel in room 409. We cuddled, we had sex, we slept together, bathed together, watched TV together, we got up every morning and did the exact same thing for breakfast: split a croissant and 2 pastries, each with a glass of water and a glass of OJ while he read the newspaper and I gawked at the hot guy I got to sleep with the night before. We went on walks around the city, visited his house, met his roommate, walked around Audubon Park, watched the musical episode of "Buffy" while we cuddled... Tuesday night I came out to my friends when I invited Jason to dinner with us, and they all recognized him from the night before. They were so excited for me, and they kept hugging me, telling me "Aw, I love you!" and that they had never seen me happier. We all got drunk and bar hopped around. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life. They loved Jason. He loved them. We loved each other around them. Wednesday night Jason and I went on a date and got Italian at one of the best spot in town for laid-back cuisine. He found the design for a tattoo he wants (a phoenix in the shape of a fleur de lis, go figure) on the wall, carried me piggy back out of the restaurant, and I have no idea what else we did that night.
Oh, that's right, we had lots and lots of sex. It was my first time having 'real' sex, and I could not get enough of it. He told me it was the first time he's ever call it "making love" because it's the first time he's really cared that much. I had to agree. I have never felt like this about anyone.
I left the next morning. It was hard. I wanted to stay for weeks. We had spent nearly every waking and sleeping moment together. Falling asleep next to the most beautiful man I have ever been with, waking up with him, spending all of our time together, and doing it all over... I was in my own personal heaven.
It's now the 18th. 16 days it's been since Jaybird and I met (that's his nickname, mine is Jameson because of the whiskey sour/rum and coke incident), 13 since we last kissed. We have talked on the phone every morning and every night since then, at the very least. He has had to get a new phone plan even though I'm the only one he talks to on the phone. This is the easiest, most natural relationship I've ever had.
We're learning a lot about each other, and about ourselves. I cuddled with PB the other night after playing DD for him and his 21 y.o. friend. Jaybird told me he was jealous. I could relate, and I felt horrible. The first time the boy slept with another guy when we were e-mailing it tore me up. I thought that should have been me, I should have been there... but I couldn't be. I felt terrible doing the same thing to Jaybird, but at the same time I am having a hard time imagining myself not cuddling with my straight guy friends. He says it's ok if I do, and that he has to deal with his own severe jealousy issues, but I don't want him to have to. I want to be the kind of man he can love with ease. Nothing should come between us, but I guess sometimes things do, and we need to learn to cope with that. (He actually told me that he's ok if I sleep around, but I refuse to. He won't, so I won't. Besides, I tried an open relationship with the boy, and it felt terrible. You should never have to share someone you love like that, and vice-versa.)
Every day feels like a fairytale. The things we say to each other would probably make most people gag, but as he said in NOLA, it's incredible to find someone who talks the same way and is equally romantic. He's masculine, hairy, shorter than me, thick (not fat, but meaty), yet cries with regularity at the things I say to express my love. I mean, I made him cry the first night we were in bed together.
When you find what you've been looking for your whole life... You know it.
I am the luckiest man alive...
Postscript:
Boy,
If you still read this, I forgive you for leaving me like you did. I was incredibly hurt and angry at first, and wanted you out of my life. I wrote you a very upsetting letter and never sent it. I couldn't. I still love you, but not like that. Jaybird tells me that he still hangs out with his exes regularly. He says his break-ups aren't bad. He even sleeps in the same bed with the one sometimes. That sounds so foreign to me. I wish ours had been a little better. I wish we could still talk. I wish you didn't think of me like you do. My feelings for you have passed, and as trite as it sounds, I got over you. (Mostly because of Jay, but that's not the point.)
I'd like to be able to talk to you about our lives again. I know you won't have feelings for me again, and after the "break-up," I can never see you the way I did before. If you ever get to the point you think you can be friends like we talked about months ago, drop me a line, you know where to find me. Otherwise, you're free to keep up with me here. I don't mind anymore. You were a good lesson for me, and you're a wonderful young man with so much to give. I hope you find that inside yourself someday and can truly fall in love with someone who is madly in love with you. You're easy to love; it's not easy to be loved by you.
All the best,
Percy
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
small
i spent last night miserable.
this past week has left me spent emotionally and physically. exams were killer, but i finished very strong, and made the grades to keep the GPA... i think. i then traveled out of state to NOLA for a conference. last night was my first experience in NOLA, and it was halloween, and it was on bourbon st. let's just say a little bit of culture shock set in.
trying to catch up with JW, i paid the cover fee into a bar/club on bourbon. inside, there were girls walking around in a roped-off raised platform/stage, acting a little like clueless strippers. the one girl had her top completely off when we came in. it's the first time i've seen that site, and unfortunately for my straight side, it did nothing for me. i was actually upset, like i get sometimes, that these girls were doing this to entertain so they could make a buck and guys could think they were having a good time because their hormones were raging. it was all i could do to not punch some guy...
there were many gay couples out last night. i felt many a stab of loneliness and hurt seeing them so happy and together. why don't i have a someone to walk down the street with smiling and holding hands? what's so wrong with me that i can't find that person? (i know, i scare them off.)
all in all, it wasn't my scene, and i left early. i was tired--still am.
a few notes:
-sleeping with a first year on a bed. it's small, and he was basically all over me last night. my heart started pounding when he put his legs over mine and left them there. turns out he's a heavy sleeper and had no idea he was all over me. i cuddled with him a little, but i doubt he knew it. oh well. now i feel creepy. i thought he was being nice. not so much.
-another first year was texting me to hurry up and get to the partying. i teased him to keep his shirt on and then i said "on the other hand, don't..." he then proceeded to send me a shirtless pic. i'm in love. he seems straight, but he also seems like he really likes me. doubt anything will come of it. he had so many beads around his neck last night, gave me three of them over the course of the night for a peek at my chest. it was fun letting him pull my shirt up and yell. God i love drunk guys...
-running this morning with the other first year, i almost stepped on a hypodermic needle.
i said, "needle."
"what?"
"drug needle."
"you saw it?"
"on the ground."
"Jesus."
it's not known as the city of virtues... i don't like it here. it's a dark place. i feel depressed and tired. compound that with my insatiable desire for love and affection, and i might as well be emo.
for some reason, i feel like i deserve better as far as a guy goes. i'm not great looking, and i daily frown at the fat around my midsection that is holding on. i have lost a lot of weight in fat and gained a lot of muscle, but i still feel unattractive and plain. i especially feel like my face is a turn-off because guys describe me as "cute." i've only been called "hot" a few times, and i'm not sure it was sincere. in any event, i am hoping for the best as far as relationships go, but i doubt anything good is coming my way anytime soon. still holding out for FT... things are progressing in that direction on some fronts.
down for a nap.
this past week has left me spent emotionally and physically. exams were killer, but i finished very strong, and made the grades to keep the GPA... i think. i then traveled out of state to NOLA for a conference. last night was my first experience in NOLA, and it was halloween, and it was on bourbon st. let's just say a little bit of culture shock set in.
trying to catch up with JW, i paid the cover fee into a bar/club on bourbon. inside, there were girls walking around in a roped-off raised platform/stage, acting a little like clueless strippers. the one girl had her top completely off when we came in. it's the first time i've seen that site, and unfortunately for my straight side, it did nothing for me. i was actually upset, like i get sometimes, that these girls were doing this to entertain so they could make a buck and guys could think they were having a good time because their hormones were raging. it was all i could do to not punch some guy...
there were many gay couples out last night. i felt many a stab of loneliness and hurt seeing them so happy and together. why don't i have a someone to walk down the street with smiling and holding hands? what's so wrong with me that i can't find that person? (i know, i scare them off.)
all in all, it wasn't my scene, and i left early. i was tired--still am.
a few notes:
-sleeping with a first year on a bed. it's small, and he was basically all over me last night. my heart started pounding when he put his legs over mine and left them there. turns out he's a heavy sleeper and had no idea he was all over me. i cuddled with him a little, but i doubt he knew it. oh well. now i feel creepy. i thought he was being nice. not so much.
-another first year was texting me to hurry up and get to the partying. i teased him to keep his shirt on and then i said "on the other hand, don't..." he then proceeded to send me a shirtless pic. i'm in love. he seems straight, but he also seems like he really likes me. doubt anything will come of it. he had so many beads around his neck last night, gave me three of them over the course of the night for a peek at my chest. it was fun letting him pull my shirt up and yell. God i love drunk guys...
-running this morning with the other first year, i almost stepped on a hypodermic needle.
i said, "needle."
"what?"
"drug needle."
"you saw it?"
"on the ground."
"Jesus."
it's not known as the city of virtues... i don't like it here. it's a dark place. i feel depressed and tired. compound that with my insatiable desire for love and affection, and i might as well be emo.
for some reason, i feel like i deserve better as far as a guy goes. i'm not great looking, and i daily frown at the fat around my midsection that is holding on. i have lost a lot of weight in fat and gained a lot of muscle, but i still feel unattractive and plain. i especially feel like my face is a turn-off because guys describe me as "cute." i've only been called "hot" a few times, and i'm not sure it was sincere. in any event, i am hoping for the best as far as relationships go, but i doubt anything good is coming my way anytime soon. still holding out for FT... things are progressing in that direction on some fronts.
down for a nap.
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