small

i spent last night miserable.

this past week has left me spent emotionally and physically. exams were killer, but i finished very strong, and made the grades to keep the GPA... i think. i then traveled out of state to NOLA for a conference. last night was my first experience in NOLA, and it was halloween, and it was on bourbon st. let's just say a little bit of culture shock set in.

trying to catch up with JW, i paid the cover fee into a bar/club on bourbon. inside, there were girls walking around in a roped-off raised platform/stage, acting a little like clueless strippers. the one girl had her top completely off when we came in. it's the first time i've seen that site, and unfortunately for my straight side, it did nothing for me. i was actually upset, like i get sometimes, that these girls were doing this to entertain so they could make a buck and guys could think they were having a good time because their hormones were raging. it was all i could do to not punch some guy...

there were many gay couples out last night. i felt many a stab of loneliness and hurt seeing them so happy and together. why don't i have a someone to walk down the street with smiling and holding hands? what's so wrong with me that i can't find that person? (i know, i scare them off.)

all in all, it wasn't my scene, and i left early. i was tired--still am.

a few notes:
-sleeping with a first year on a bed. it's small, and he was basically all over me last night. my heart started pounding when he put his legs over mine and left them there. turns out he's a heavy sleeper and had no idea he was all over me. i cuddled with him a little, but i doubt he knew it. oh well. now i feel creepy. i thought he was being nice. not so much.
-another first year was texting me to hurry up and get to the partying. i teased him to keep his shirt on and then i said "on the other hand, don't..." he then proceeded to send me a shirtless pic. i'm in love. he seems straight, but he also seems like he really likes me. doubt anything will come of it. he had so many beads around his neck last night, gave me three of them over the course of the night for a peek at my chest. it was fun letting him pull my shirt up and yell. God i love drunk guys...
-running this morning with the other first year, i almost stepped on a hypodermic needle.
i said, "needle."
"what?"
"drug needle."
"you saw it?"
"on the ground."
"Jesus."

it's not known as the city of virtues... i don't like it here. it's a dark place. i feel depressed and tired. compound that with my insatiable desire for love and affection, and i might as well be emo.

for some reason, i feel like i deserve better as far as a guy goes. i'm not great looking, and i daily frown at the fat around my midsection that is holding on. i have lost a lot of weight in fat and gained a lot of muscle, but i still feel unattractive and plain. i especially feel like my face is a turn-off because guys describe me as "cute." i've only been called "hot" a few times, and i'm not sure it was sincere. in any event, i am hoping for the best as far as relationships go, but i doubt anything good is coming my way anytime soon. still holding out for FT... things are progressing in that direction on some fronts.

down for a nap.