undeniably the best new song out there... absolutely addicted right now.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
quick note
1. i hate when straights flag posts in the m4m section of cl. total bullshit.
2. accomplishment of the week: figuring out erik rhodes' full real non-porn name. apparently he doesn't care THAT much if people know.
3. there are a LOT of gay porn blogs on blogspot that have gone MIA. it's kind of frightening, but i think it's because of copyright stuff mainly. but still... it started happening a few months ago, and now almost all the "big names" are gone. i hesitate to even mention the ones still operational for fear of someone targeting them and getting them shut down.
that said... going to sleep. finals next week. FML.
2. accomplishment of the week: figuring out erik rhodes' full real non-porn name. apparently he doesn't care THAT much if people know.
3. there are a LOT of gay porn blogs on blogspot that have gone MIA. it's kind of frightening, but i think it's because of copyright stuff mainly. but still... it started happening a few months ago, and now almost all the "big names" are gone. i hesitate to even mention the ones still operational for fear of someone targeting them and getting them shut down.
that said... going to sleep. finals next week. FML.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Trying to Move On
Quick note: Just cut the boy off from every angle I could think of. Hurt so fucking bad. I just can't deal with it anymore though. Knowing we're still somewhat connected... I can't cope. It's killing me.
Taking that first step to getting over him. Or maybe it's like the tenth step. Either way, I have to keep going with my life.
Taking that first step to getting over him. Or maybe it's like the tenth step. Either way, I have to keep going with my life.
From the Start
I bought some PostSecret books from B&N last week. I have a severe book addiction when I'm in that store... I was flipping through one tonight in my imaginary down-time, and I came across one that said "you are the worst thing that ever happened to me... and i miss you so much." It was a head shot of two men bundled in winter clothes nose-to-nose in intimate black-and-white. I doubt I have to describe how it made me feel.
I decided I have to chronicle thing the way they happened from the start. I'm having trouble sorting all the details out, so here goes:
I was born about a quarter century ago in the North East of the USA. My family has always been lower-middle class, and pretty normal and well-adjusted. (For a while, anyway.) I am #2 of several children, and have the distinct marking of a second child. I am the peacemaker, the go-between, the sensitive one. I am not hard to please, and I (usually) did not have to hog the spotlight. I was used to living in my older brother's shadow. I love my family very much, always have. They have issues, but they work through them. Well, most of the time.
I was living out on the West coast when the first urges started. I had a crush on this cute girl at church. We planned out our wedding. We were confident little rugrats, about 7 years old and all ready to settle down and play house. And then there was RB. What I found out years later was an older boy at school was teaching RB about sex to mess with his young mind, and he was just ready to explode with the glorious news. Unfortunately, he had no idea what the older boy was talking about, so what he communicated to me was a little fuzzy in detail, and never really made sense. We played some odd games, though, RB and I, one in particular where we were father and son, and he would "skateboard" when I told him not to, and as punishment I would kill him. I know, total 180 from my stance on child-rearing these days. The WAY I would do it, though, was lay him on the couch, pull up his shirt, and make a sawing motion across his neck with my hand. (Crude, yet apparently effective.) For some reason, this was my introduction to the wonders of the male body.
I have memories that come and go since then. I know I was attracted to men at the pool, men with muscles, men with tight bathing suits. I was fascinated by the naked male, which I rarely saw. There was one lifeguard I remember who was strong and good-looking and reckless at the pool. Someone pulled down his bathing suit one time. I was in heaven. He had a great butt. Over the years, I had many, many attractions: some friend, some strangers, some friend's fathers, another beautiful red-headed lifeguard... The list is endless. I had a tight bunch of friends going into high school, three of whom I had a major crush on. The one I still think might be the most perfect specimen of male ever to walk the planet in many regards. We'll call him Jay.
I began writing letters when I was young. I wrote to express my deep, powerful feelings for people. Everyone I wrote to (usually) loved it. I wrote to Jay, to a boy at camp who I loved (quite possibly the most odd-looking person I've ever loved, but I still think he's good-looking), I wrote to Jay, I wrote to the first short guy I crushed on... I still write, and people still love it. It was because of one of my letters that Jay started to suspect something about me. I think I included too many lyrics from love songs.
Before Jay, though, lots of things happened.
-I started masturbating at age 12. It was an unbelievable experience. (Oddly enough, it was after seeing Star Wars for the first time... so yes, first jack-off was to Princess Leia in the golden bikini...)
-I discovered porn at age 16. True to my nature, I watched a healthy mix of gay and straight porn. My dad found out during the summer. He was devastated, and I swore to NEVER use my family's computers to watch porn again. I haven't. My dad did, though. That killed me. I lost my mind, went to Jay for help. (Jay's family helped mine through a lot of shit after that...)
-I went through a year or two where a lot of people I loved very dearly died unexpectedly. I decided after a rough transition period to never be afraid to love anyone, no matter what, no matter how much it hurt. This, more than anything else, has shaped my relationships with every person since then. Jay came into my life right after the first deaths happened, and I was able to put my new-found deep loving skills to work. I connected with him on an incredible level that I don't even think he understood. (Maybe I was just obsessed... No telling with me.)
College happened, finally, after I had proved myself as an academic genius for all of high school and on the PSAT/SAT. I was brilliant, I know that now. I got a 98 on my first paper in college. I was quickly recruited to tutor multiple subjects, particularly Biology and English. I actually proctored an English class as a sophomore when the teacher was in a meeting. Totally not kosher, but one of the proudest days of my life. I also taught a science lab, took the students on a field trip, and wrote and gave a quiz to the class for actual credit. Needless to say, professors had high hopes for me.
I got very sick my junior year, though. I was pushing myself too hard. It all started to blur together. I started skipping meals, sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night. I burned out, fatigued my mind. All this, and I kept up a hectic social life along with several clubs and school-related responsibilities. (RA duties, etc.) I came to the point where I decided to take care of my mind and body and not destroy them. I have never regretted that decision, even though it has meant slightly lower grades. I no longer pushed myself, but merely kept up with what I could.
It was during my junior year that I roomed with the TF. (Prior to this, I had watched porn on a regular basis with intermittent spurts of guilt and abstaining for a few weeks. I had also confided my porn "problem" and homosexual inclinations to two young men. One of them stabbed me in the back, the other is my best friend.) TF and I hit it off at first, we had similar personalities and were liked by the same people.
And then IT happened.
We were talking late at night, as we did on occasion, and he started telling me about a girl he had hooked up with that was a bad kisser. Having never kissed anyone before, I asked him what constituted a "good" kiss. "Come over here and I'll show you," he said. So I crawled out of bed and climbed on top of him and put my lips on his. He was caught off guard, and didn't reciprocate. This, however, set us off, and we started playing a little bit of teasing, kind of like chicken, seeing who would back down first. I don't remember everything that happened, but I know there was some HEAVY grinding with hard-as-a-rock boners through our boxers, both of us teasing the others anal opening and sucking on each others nipples. It came to the point, though, that I was laying on top of him, and he finally asked the question: "Are you going to fuck me?" I hesitated. I was a virgin. I was naive. I was not ready. "No." I replied. "Then get the FUCK out of my bed." He said firmly. I got back to my bed, and we talked a little more, finally turning on the light and showing each other our cocks. His was a good 7.5", which looked bigger next to his slight frame. (We had almost the same body build and were pretty much the same height. Kind of freaky.)
The next morning, I felt horny and wild. I came out of the shower, dropped my towel, and climbed into the bed with him. We were both naked, and I started rubbing my hard-on on his ass. I reached around and started playing with his cock. It was hard. He reached back and grabbed mine, and I gasped. I almost exploded in his hand. He, however, is not a morning lover like me, and kicked me out of his bed again.
Once I was fully awake, I was terrified. I contemplated suicide. We met for lunch, and I told him I felt horrible and was so sorry for doing that to him. He looked me in the eye and said "Well, I'm not sorry. I'm gay, and you are too."
That started the worst couple months of my life. We fought incessantly, or didn't speak at all. He told me he was dating "Jessica" or "Jessie" as he called her. It turned out "Jessie" was a cover name for "Jesse"... who was a drop-out that I knew pretty well. TF would tell me about how he and Jesse would have sex on his bed while I was gone on the weekends, and taunt that they had used my bed. I laughed at him. One day I walked in and there was my friend Jesse, hanging out in our room. It took me milliseconds to realize who he was to my roommate.
TF transferred out, and I roomed with one of my best friends, JS, who also was very good looking. Those were some of the happiest months of my life, just enjoying being near a great friend who had a great sense of humor and was as big-hearted as they come. I held him while he cried when he found out his girlfriend (now wife) had feelings for another guy. We talked late into the night in the dark about our feelings, our life goals, and of course sex.
Senior year I roomed with the guy who knew about me and didn't stab me in the back, DM. We got along great, and senior year breezed by.
During my time in undergrad, I kissed a lot of faces, mostly guys' faces, but always on the cheek or forehead. I gave backrubs like nobody else, and I gave them a LOT. (Mostly because people would beg for them...) I slept in the bed with a bunch of my guy friends, and loved it. However, beyond TF, I never had another experience in undergrad.
After graduation, I spent a month in a Central American country. I had spent a week there junior year during spring break, and I was back to help teach English and help some missionaries out. I had met F during the first trip, but on the second trip I spent a lot of time with him because he had a car and drove us around the city. (I went with another student, a big, beautiful football player with shaggy hair and a smile that could melt stone.) I loved the culture there because everyone is very "huggy" and such, but I think I overshot it, and F picked up on the fact that I liked to hug and caress a little too much. He got me alone one day in his apartment, and started rubbing my leg, and then my neck. I panicked, and told him he was right, I had gay feelings, but I didn't like them, and I was trying to avoid that side of my life. He was apologetic, and told me a little about his gay history.
We were alone again the next night, I had left my wallet in his apartment, and he went to the kitchen to get me a drink. We talked about how I liked hugging, and he smiled and said, "We learned about this in my rehab group, it's called safe touching, here, let me show you..." and he wrapped his arms around me. It was a GREAT hug... and then he slid his cheek across mine and locked lips with me. I froze. It was my first REAL kiss, one I could return, one that I COULD want... I almost pulled away, but then a part of me said, Ah, fuck it. (Besides, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, make him feel like he was pushing my boundaries, although he was.)
We made out for probably 45 minutes, at least it felt that way. He was shocked it was my first kiss. "You are the best kisser I've ever met!" He exclaimed. About halfway through, he hesitantly put his hand down my pants, and then pulled it out. I grabbed his wrist and shoved it down my pants. He started to stroke my hard dick, and WOW it felt good, so smooth and soft... He stopped, though, and I think he wanted to move to the bedroom. I wasn't ready, again, and told him we should go. He asked if I would regret it in the morning. I said yes. And I did. I felt like an actor the rest of the trip, forcing a smile every day, acting normal when he was around, just trying to make it home.
I lived with DM the year after I graduated. I didn't kiss anyone, didn't do anything really, that whole year. DD came into my life that year in a bigger way. He told me about his first sexual experiences with his male cousins and talked a lot about sex. We slept in the same room one night, and he stood over me naked at one point for no apparent reason. I retaliated by pulling out my semi-hard dick, which he pretended to take offense to and called me "small." I just laughed at him. His dick was really small when limp, but he claims he's about 7" hard, but it's skinny. (He now really wants to fuck me, and I really don't know if I want that to happen...)
After DM got married, I went to live with JT and JK. JK was my long-time arch-enemy, and we managed to get along decently. I saw him naked once and had the urge to bang the ever-loving shit out of him. He was gorgeous, dark, tanned, toned, cocky... Very fuckable. Nice bubble butt. JT and I shared a room, and while he had a nice face, I was not very attracted to his body. It was nice having a man that close to me, though, who I saw naked on almost a daily basis. While there, I started talking to a guy, Joe, on myspace, and ended up trading my first couple of pictures. I was still kind of skinny then, and I had shaved all my body hair off my torso and crotch, so I looked young, slim, and kinda sexy. He wanted to have sex right away. I just wanted to make out. He quickly brushed me off.
I then came to medical school. Nothing happened until last December, when RP and I made out on the mountain. That was the real start of things for me. KF got in touch with me through e-mail, which nearly destroyed me on New Years Eve night. We stayed up til 3 am having cybersex in DM's apartment (I went to visit him and his wife for New Years). KF, though older and wiser, is still not one of my favorite people, and I had a nervous breakdown once I went home, sobbing in my parents' arms until 2 in the morning.
Later that month, The Boy found my blog.
That brings me pretty much full circle. To write about the boy will take a long, long time, so that comes later. But I have come back to how this post started:
"You are the worst thing that ever happened to me... and I miss you so much."
The Boy may not be the worst thing, but TF and KF and F and Joe were. The Boy was terrible in a whole different, wonderful, heart-breaking way.
More to come.
I decided I have to chronicle thing the way they happened from the start. I'm having trouble sorting all the details out, so here goes:
I was born about a quarter century ago in the North East of the USA. My family has always been lower-middle class, and pretty normal and well-adjusted. (For a while, anyway.) I am #2 of several children, and have the distinct marking of a second child. I am the peacemaker, the go-between, the sensitive one. I am not hard to please, and I (usually) did not have to hog the spotlight. I was used to living in my older brother's shadow. I love my family very much, always have. They have issues, but they work through them. Well, most of the time.
I was living out on the West coast when the first urges started. I had a crush on this cute girl at church. We planned out our wedding. We were confident little rugrats, about 7 years old and all ready to settle down and play house. And then there was RB. What I found out years later was an older boy at school was teaching RB about sex to mess with his young mind, and he was just ready to explode with the glorious news. Unfortunately, he had no idea what the older boy was talking about, so what he communicated to me was a little fuzzy in detail, and never really made sense. We played some odd games, though, RB and I, one in particular where we were father and son, and he would "skateboard" when I told him not to, and as punishment I would kill him. I know, total 180 from my stance on child-rearing these days. The WAY I would do it, though, was lay him on the couch, pull up his shirt, and make a sawing motion across his neck with my hand. (Crude, yet apparently effective.) For some reason, this was my introduction to the wonders of the male body.
I have memories that come and go since then. I know I was attracted to men at the pool, men with muscles, men with tight bathing suits. I was fascinated by the naked male, which I rarely saw. There was one lifeguard I remember who was strong and good-looking and reckless at the pool. Someone pulled down his bathing suit one time. I was in heaven. He had a great butt. Over the years, I had many, many attractions: some friend, some strangers, some friend's fathers, another beautiful red-headed lifeguard... The list is endless. I had a tight bunch of friends going into high school, three of whom I had a major crush on. The one I still think might be the most perfect specimen of male ever to walk the planet in many regards. We'll call him Jay.
I began writing letters when I was young. I wrote to express my deep, powerful feelings for people. Everyone I wrote to (usually) loved it. I wrote to Jay, to a boy at camp who I loved (quite possibly the most odd-looking person I've ever loved, but I still think he's good-looking), I wrote to Jay, I wrote to the first short guy I crushed on... I still write, and people still love it. It was because of one of my letters that Jay started to suspect something about me. I think I included too many lyrics from love songs.
Before Jay, though, lots of things happened.
-I started masturbating at age 12. It was an unbelievable experience. (Oddly enough, it was after seeing Star Wars for the first time... so yes, first jack-off was to Princess Leia in the golden bikini...)
-I discovered porn at age 16. True to my nature, I watched a healthy mix of gay and straight porn. My dad found out during the summer. He was devastated, and I swore to NEVER use my family's computers to watch porn again. I haven't. My dad did, though. That killed me. I lost my mind, went to Jay for help. (Jay's family helped mine through a lot of shit after that...)
-I went through a year or two where a lot of people I loved very dearly died unexpectedly. I decided after a rough transition period to never be afraid to love anyone, no matter what, no matter how much it hurt. This, more than anything else, has shaped my relationships with every person since then. Jay came into my life right after the first deaths happened, and I was able to put my new-found deep loving skills to work. I connected with him on an incredible level that I don't even think he understood. (Maybe I was just obsessed... No telling with me.)
College happened, finally, after I had proved myself as an academic genius for all of high school and on the PSAT/SAT. I was brilliant, I know that now. I got a 98 on my first paper in college. I was quickly recruited to tutor multiple subjects, particularly Biology and English. I actually proctored an English class as a sophomore when the teacher was in a meeting. Totally not kosher, but one of the proudest days of my life. I also taught a science lab, took the students on a field trip, and wrote and gave a quiz to the class for actual credit. Needless to say, professors had high hopes for me.
I got very sick my junior year, though. I was pushing myself too hard. It all started to blur together. I started skipping meals, sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night. I burned out, fatigued my mind. All this, and I kept up a hectic social life along with several clubs and school-related responsibilities. (RA duties, etc.) I came to the point where I decided to take care of my mind and body and not destroy them. I have never regretted that decision, even though it has meant slightly lower grades. I no longer pushed myself, but merely kept up with what I could.
It was during my junior year that I roomed with the TF. (Prior to this, I had watched porn on a regular basis with intermittent spurts of guilt and abstaining for a few weeks. I had also confided my porn "problem" and homosexual inclinations to two young men. One of them stabbed me in the back, the other is my best friend.) TF and I hit it off at first, we had similar personalities and were liked by the same people.
And then IT happened.
We were talking late at night, as we did on occasion, and he started telling me about a girl he had hooked up with that was a bad kisser. Having never kissed anyone before, I asked him what constituted a "good" kiss. "Come over here and I'll show you," he said. So I crawled out of bed and climbed on top of him and put my lips on his. He was caught off guard, and didn't reciprocate. This, however, set us off, and we started playing a little bit of teasing, kind of like chicken, seeing who would back down first. I don't remember everything that happened, but I know there was some HEAVY grinding with hard-as-a-rock boners through our boxers, both of us teasing the others anal opening and sucking on each others nipples. It came to the point, though, that I was laying on top of him, and he finally asked the question: "Are you going to fuck me?" I hesitated. I was a virgin. I was naive. I was not ready. "No." I replied. "Then get the FUCK out of my bed." He said firmly. I got back to my bed, and we talked a little more, finally turning on the light and showing each other our cocks. His was a good 7.5", which looked bigger next to his slight frame. (We had almost the same body build and were pretty much the same height. Kind of freaky.)
The next morning, I felt horny and wild. I came out of the shower, dropped my towel, and climbed into the bed with him. We were both naked, and I started rubbing my hard-on on his ass. I reached around and started playing with his cock. It was hard. He reached back and grabbed mine, and I gasped. I almost exploded in his hand. He, however, is not a morning lover like me, and kicked me out of his bed again.
Once I was fully awake, I was terrified. I contemplated suicide. We met for lunch, and I told him I felt horrible and was so sorry for doing that to him. He looked me in the eye and said "Well, I'm not sorry. I'm gay, and you are too."
That started the worst couple months of my life. We fought incessantly, or didn't speak at all. He told me he was dating "Jessica" or "Jessie" as he called her. It turned out "Jessie" was a cover name for "Jesse"... who was a drop-out that I knew pretty well. TF would tell me about how he and Jesse would have sex on his bed while I was gone on the weekends, and taunt that they had used my bed. I laughed at him. One day I walked in and there was my friend Jesse, hanging out in our room. It took me milliseconds to realize who he was to my roommate.
TF transferred out, and I roomed with one of my best friends, JS, who also was very good looking. Those were some of the happiest months of my life, just enjoying being near a great friend who had a great sense of humor and was as big-hearted as they come. I held him while he cried when he found out his girlfriend (now wife) had feelings for another guy. We talked late into the night in the dark about our feelings, our life goals, and of course sex.
Senior year I roomed with the guy who knew about me and didn't stab me in the back, DM. We got along great, and senior year breezed by.
During my time in undergrad, I kissed a lot of faces, mostly guys' faces, but always on the cheek or forehead. I gave backrubs like nobody else, and I gave them a LOT. (Mostly because people would beg for them...) I slept in the bed with a bunch of my guy friends, and loved it. However, beyond TF, I never had another experience in undergrad.
After graduation, I spent a month in a Central American country. I had spent a week there junior year during spring break, and I was back to help teach English and help some missionaries out. I had met F during the first trip, but on the second trip I spent a lot of time with him because he had a car and drove us around the city. (I went with another student, a big, beautiful football player with shaggy hair and a smile that could melt stone.) I loved the culture there because everyone is very "huggy" and such, but I think I overshot it, and F picked up on the fact that I liked to hug and caress a little too much. He got me alone one day in his apartment, and started rubbing my leg, and then my neck. I panicked, and told him he was right, I had gay feelings, but I didn't like them, and I was trying to avoid that side of my life. He was apologetic, and told me a little about his gay history.
We were alone again the next night, I had left my wallet in his apartment, and he went to the kitchen to get me a drink. We talked about how I liked hugging, and he smiled and said, "We learned about this in my rehab group, it's called safe touching, here, let me show you..." and he wrapped his arms around me. It was a GREAT hug... and then he slid his cheek across mine and locked lips with me. I froze. It was my first REAL kiss, one I could return, one that I COULD want... I almost pulled away, but then a part of me said, Ah, fuck it. (Besides, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, make him feel like he was pushing my boundaries, although he was.)
We made out for probably 45 minutes, at least it felt that way. He was shocked it was my first kiss. "You are the best kisser I've ever met!" He exclaimed. About halfway through, he hesitantly put his hand down my pants, and then pulled it out. I grabbed his wrist and shoved it down my pants. He started to stroke my hard dick, and WOW it felt good, so smooth and soft... He stopped, though, and I think he wanted to move to the bedroom. I wasn't ready, again, and told him we should go. He asked if I would regret it in the morning. I said yes. And I did. I felt like an actor the rest of the trip, forcing a smile every day, acting normal when he was around, just trying to make it home.
I lived with DM the year after I graduated. I didn't kiss anyone, didn't do anything really, that whole year. DD came into my life that year in a bigger way. He told me about his first sexual experiences with his male cousins and talked a lot about sex. We slept in the same room one night, and he stood over me naked at one point for no apparent reason. I retaliated by pulling out my semi-hard dick, which he pretended to take offense to and called me "small." I just laughed at him. His dick was really small when limp, but he claims he's about 7" hard, but it's skinny. (He now really wants to fuck me, and I really don't know if I want that to happen...)
After DM got married, I went to live with JT and JK. JK was my long-time arch-enemy, and we managed to get along decently. I saw him naked once and had the urge to bang the ever-loving shit out of him. He was gorgeous, dark, tanned, toned, cocky... Very fuckable. Nice bubble butt. JT and I shared a room, and while he had a nice face, I was not very attracted to his body. It was nice having a man that close to me, though, who I saw naked on almost a daily basis. While there, I started talking to a guy, Joe, on myspace, and ended up trading my first couple of pictures. I was still kind of skinny then, and I had shaved all my body hair off my torso and crotch, so I looked young, slim, and kinda sexy. He wanted to have sex right away. I just wanted to make out. He quickly brushed me off.
I then came to medical school. Nothing happened until last December, when RP and I made out on the mountain. That was the real start of things for me. KF got in touch with me through e-mail, which nearly destroyed me on New Years Eve night. We stayed up til 3 am having cybersex in DM's apartment (I went to visit him and his wife for New Years). KF, though older and wiser, is still not one of my favorite people, and I had a nervous breakdown once I went home, sobbing in my parents' arms until 2 in the morning.
Later that month, The Boy found my blog.
That brings me pretty much full circle. To write about the boy will take a long, long time, so that comes later. But I have come back to how this post started:
"You are the worst thing that ever happened to me... and I miss you so much."
The Boy may not be the worst thing, but TF and KF and F and Joe were. The Boy was terrible in a whole different, wonderful, heart-breaking way.
More to come.
Monday, October 19, 2009
#7 and I'm Slow In The Head
is there some kind of sign on my head that says "Stand Me Up, Toss Me Aside, I'm Not Really That Important"? i swear to God, this is getting old. #7 is being a flake, and i'm about ready to retire for the night. studying while waiting for an e-mail... feels like old times, except this time the e-mail means i can get up and meet someone.
UPDATE: got the e-mail.
UPDATE: fuck all gay men. stood up yet again. hate this. i think i'm just going to bang fat, ugly chicks from now on just to spite floosie queers.
i am slow. very slow. i didn't realize these two classmates of mine were bumping uglies for a long long time until i was told tonight. i flipped. she could do sooooo much better. i didn't realize the reason my shower won't drain like it used to is because my housemate probably jacks off in the shower. (either that or all his damn Asian hair clogs the drain.) i didn't realize that people blocked me on FB until i did it to some of my more annoying friends... and then i realized that i was wrong, the reason some of my friends never have anything new posted isn't because they never do anything, it's because they blocked me from seeing nearly everything on their page. i didn't realize that there is still someone reading this blog... someone that gets mentioned in it regularly. i am not sure what to do about that. i think i will do nothing. i am not an advocate of hiding anything, and i need to get over what did and didn't happen.
but damn, i'm slow...
UPDATE: got the e-mail.
UPDATE: fuck all gay men. stood up yet again. hate this. i think i'm just going to bang fat, ugly chicks from now on just to spite floosie queers.
i am slow. very slow. i didn't realize these two classmates of mine were bumping uglies for a long long time until i was told tonight. i flipped. she could do sooooo much better. i didn't realize the reason my shower won't drain like it used to is because my housemate probably jacks off in the shower. (either that or all his damn Asian hair clogs the drain.) i didn't realize that people blocked me on FB until i did it to some of my more annoying friends... and then i realized that i was wrong, the reason some of my friends never have anything new posted isn't because they never do anything, it's because they blocked me from seeing nearly everything on their page. i didn't realize that there is still someone reading this blog... someone that gets mentioned in it regularly. i am not sure what to do about that. i think i will do nothing. i am not an advocate of hiding anything, and i need to get over what did and didn't happen.
but damn, i'm slow...
Friday, October 16, 2009
sometimes...
...i really hate straight people.
had SW over last night, he was in town and needed a place to sleep. part of me wanted to scream IN MY BED IS JUST FINE but the sensible part of me let him sleep on the couch. we drank some beer and wine and made poor dietary choices, and talked about medical stuff and sex. i hate that he is so fucking good looking, and can hook up with whmoever, whenever. as i mentioned before, he knows about me and guys and whatnot, so we delved into that a little deeper. he told me a story that blew my mind. he slept in a bed with this guy that i've met once (and TOTALLY had the hots for) and he woke up in the middle of the night to the guy jerking him off and making out with him. i about died on the spot. not one but TWO of the hottest guys i know were in that story. and then he ruined it by saying he pretended he was asleep and rolled over on his stomach. they both pretended nothing ever happened the next day, and still haven't talked about it.
i almost choked him. what a waste of uberhotness. i would have done the same, though. (as the other guy, not SW.) i refrained last night (i hate myself) because he mentioned he's seeing this girl now... God i hate my life sometimes.
on a side note, the guy (FT) who was jerking him off is straight/bi-curious. i am for sure hitting that next time i see him, come hell or high water.
i am working on #7 right now, #8 is only in town every few weeks, and our schedules never work out. i am also curious about one of the guys in my class, and still debating doing anything with him. probably not a good idea. but he is rumored to be 100% gay, and he's really cute.
my buddy just called and said to come out. no way jose. tired, exhausted really, and have too much school to do... (then what am i doing here?) i am making better grades, thankfully, finished 2 classes so far, one with a B, the other with a B+. working my way on up to an A for the class i have a final in on monday. i feel bad for this one kid in our class, he has failed BOTH of the classes we've finished so far. remediation is going to be a BITCH for him. (either that, or if he fails out of all of our classes he'll be back for year 2 round 2 next year.)
and also, straight people stuff: 3 girls have commented on how much weight i've lost, how good i look, etc. THIS WEEK alone, including the girl who turned me down last year. the one actually said "you look good in those jeans..." they were my 32 jeans, first pair since somewhere around junior year of undergrad.
i feel great from those comments; i still feel like i have a ways to go when i look in the mirror.
5K in the AM, getting some shut-eye.
had SW over last night, he was in town and needed a place to sleep. part of me wanted to scream IN MY BED IS JUST FINE but the sensible part of me let him sleep on the couch. we drank some beer and wine and made poor dietary choices, and talked about medical stuff and sex. i hate that he is so fucking good looking, and can hook up with whmoever, whenever. as i mentioned before, he knows about me and guys and whatnot, so we delved into that a little deeper. he told me a story that blew my mind. he slept in a bed with this guy that i've met once (and TOTALLY had the hots for) and he woke up in the middle of the night to the guy jerking him off and making out with him. i about died on the spot. not one but TWO of the hottest guys i know were in that story. and then he ruined it by saying he pretended he was asleep and rolled over on his stomach. they both pretended nothing ever happened the next day, and still haven't talked about it.
i almost choked him. what a waste of uberhotness. i would have done the same, though. (as the other guy, not SW.) i refrained last night (i hate myself) because he mentioned he's seeing this girl now... God i hate my life sometimes.
on a side note, the guy (FT) who was jerking him off is straight/bi-curious. i am for sure hitting that next time i see him, come hell or high water.
i am working on #7 right now, #8 is only in town every few weeks, and our schedules never work out. i am also curious about one of the guys in my class, and still debating doing anything with him. probably not a good idea. but he is rumored to be 100% gay, and he's really cute.
my buddy just called and said to come out. no way jose. tired, exhausted really, and have too much school to do... (then what am i doing here?) i am making better grades, thankfully, finished 2 classes so far, one with a B, the other with a B+. working my way on up to an A for the class i have a final in on monday. i feel bad for this one kid in our class, he has failed BOTH of the classes we've finished so far. remediation is going to be a BITCH for him. (either that, or if he fails out of all of our classes he'll be back for year 2 round 2 next year.)
and also, straight people stuff: 3 girls have commented on how much weight i've lost, how good i look, etc. THIS WEEK alone, including the girl who turned me down last year. the one actually said "you look good in those jeans..." they were my 32 jeans, first pair since somewhere around junior year of undergrad.
i feel great from those comments; i still feel like i have a ways to go when i look in the mirror.
5K in the AM, getting some shut-eye.
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