surfacing

...and the day the change came
the day the tide turned
the day he slipped away
no one
ever
knew

and no one was there
to dry his tears
and to pick up the jagged pieces
of a broken heart

and it was still ok.

can you really say you're walking away from something with no regrets when you feel you could weep for all you lost and even what you gained from it? i don't know. i doubt it. i think i'm going to regret the last 9 months a lot. perhaps i won't.

i am done. it's over. the experiment has gone on long enough, and i'm sick and tired of trying. i can't make my life what i want it to be.

i always hesitate to get religous on here, and on facebook. i have too many people who would just roll their eyes. but i know when it all comes back full force, i'm going to be overwhelmed. ridiculous, i know, but it's me. it's who i am.

i am going to have a hard time getting over the boy. we were never really dating, we only met for 4 days, and things went downhill VERY quickly after that. i feel a lot of guilt over how i treated every guy i was ever with, because it's basically how he treated me after i left. was i clingy? was i too much about the relationship? i'm pretty sure i was. was i a good friend, a good lover? hell yes. did i care about him? more than anyone else in the world, and i still care about him, and i always will. but it's over. i can't keep putting myself out there emotionally and get nada in return.

cutting ties is the next thing, and that might hurt too. k, j, jw, c, e... all gotta go. this blog will probably follow soon.

i have to sleep. i am getting up early to go say goodbye to another part of my life that sucked for the last 4 months, and then get a new car.

...and the day finally came
when the risk to remain
tight in a bud
was more painful
than the risk it took
to blossom.
(https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuTIgcmxIlpGabO8XkyWEILlYIVYzHNYcjk2MP_ktQSKsv-DUF2PxrobzaBwj-SRuxBI4xRGbioG5vfn0BJS7iY-DtAkYvTIXWgpl4JtgUX2BSrXoX0LosCUWOsiPX3N_r1Y2wccMOeDn9/s1600-h/0621092011a.jpg)

thoughts

-i feel fat. i have been hyper-aware of my body since i started working out with my trainer. these days i feel bloated. not cool. some days i feel really thin though, which is good.

-i did not get laid this weekend. i had 3 chances to, and i didn't make a move on any of the 3 guys. the one guy i doubt would have hooked up with me, although he has done so with other guys in the past. the other 2 i didn't actually see, but the one i know would have been a sure thing had we seen each other. (see entry from around december... that guy was in town again.) the third i'm pretty sure would do me in a heartbeat, he's straight but is dying to try anal, and no girl will let him. he actually tried to do it on a girl he hooked up with that passed out after regular sex... he said he couldn't keep it up because he felt bad about trying to do her in the ass while she was passed out. yeah, he has some morals... that's why i think it would be hard to hook up with him.

-the first guy is trying to get his life straightened out after years of drugs, alcohol, criminal activity, and promiscuous sex. i think that's the main reason i would feel bad about coming on to him. he has some mental damage from the hard drugs, no more than most who have done crack and etc. it makes him blunt and unreasonable at times. the best moment, in my opinion, was when i played with his nipple and he stared at me and said, "you know, that makes you look immature. i want to hang out with you and spend time with you, but i don't like it when you act immature." i almost burst out laughing. so years of drug abuse and stupidity isn't immature? going right back to the fuck hole life you spent months in rehab for isn't the epitome of immaturity? i had to restrain myself very hard to keep from scorning him to his face. what a jackass. (on a side note, i don't take people confronting me very well. ever.)

-my brother was arrested this week for road rage. my parents were surprisingly cool about it. they seemed to expect it, like it was inevitable. he is definitely kinda nuts from the drugs as well, and his eyes always seem to be popping out of his head and looking in two different directions. i love how he effortlessly keeps my parents' attention off of me and my issues. on the one hand, i resent the fact that my parents hardly notice me and my inner turmoil. on the other hand, it's nice to slip under the radar and run my own life and sort through my shit on my own terms.

-i am really good at fucking up every relationship/friendship i am in. i'm a great friend to have for a while, but eventually i'll turn on you. i am beginning to see how i have destroyed almost every relationship in my life in one way or another. there are a few people who have seen the uglier side of me and stuck by me, but there are others who have decided it would be easier for them to just move on and let me be my asshole self. i am a user, a clingy friend, a needy, time consuming inconvenience, and a stubborn, willful ball of rage and fury who is willing to toss anyone aside who doesn't suit my needs at the moment or who doesn't bend to my self-centered whims.

-unfortunately, i am also a loving, tender, affectionate, touchy-feely individual. that means that if you offend this sensitive, loving side of me, i'll quickly turn my razor-sharp barbs on you. i've done it over and over again, especially when criticism comes my way or someone points out that i am too touchy, too gay, too over the top. i have to act offended and hurt in order to avoid further suspicion. a part of me hates being figured out, though.

-more than anything, i want to be in love. that has had awful consequences in the past few months. mainly, it has made me a whore. i have become willing to trade true affection and a solid relationship for one-night stands with guys i never see again or even form any sort of attachment to. the most recent was the most impersonal sexual encounter i've had yet. i cared for him so little, and i didn't feel bad at all telling him what to do every step of the way, grabbing his head and shoving him all the way down on my cock, ordering him to suck my balls, etc. that was the first time i came in another guy's mouth, and vice versa. i felt like a badass and an idiot at the same time. i didn't even know this guy, and i had swallowed his load without second thought. hiv/aids is not picky about who it infects. it doesn't matter how young he was, he could have been carrying something. that's one of the main things i think about when i hook up with guys.

-another consequence of wanting to be in love has been the complete abuse my relationship with The Boy. i swear i have done EVERYTHING wrong in our relationship, and i'm sure he's sick of me by now. i am too embarrassed to enumerate here all the things i've done to screw up what was the best relationship i've ever had, but suffice to say i'm ashamed of how i overwhelmed a handsome young man because i was selfish and wanted something more out of an already amazing friendship. i have no idea how he feels about our relationship anymore. i'm afraid to ask. sometimes talking about a thing is exactly what kills it.

-my schooling has suffered because of my insatiable social appetite. i need to lock myself away this week and study like never before.

-i have yet to try anal (again) since The Boy and i tried it for a minute over the summer. i think i may try it flip-flop with #6. i also may give up men for good. i have no idea what i'm doing most days.

-i may try to write about my encounters, sexual and non, over the next few weeks. i've had some interesting and yet somehow entirely unremarkable hook-ups, and one mind-blowing visit with The Boy. i figure it couldn't hurt to blog about it, especially the nights i've had recently cuddling with my hot straight friends... :)

confused... but that's nothing new

i don't know what's going on with me right now. some days i know just what i want; other days i'm clueless. sometimes i think i'm about done with this whole man-love thing, and other times i get caught up in it all over again when a good-looking guy catches my eye.

meeting the boy was incredible. of that i'm sure. i'm tempted to publish a detailed account of the visit, brag on him a little... but i'll just keep that to myself. let's just say it's very frustrating living so far apart, but i'm thankful for the few days we had together.

i'm basically being stood up for the second time in 2 days. today is by a friend; yesterday was also a friend, but i was meeting him to show him what sex with a man is like for the first time. he overslept, and i ended up just going home angry and frustrated and a little relieved. we've talked for the last 2 nights now about hooking up. the first time he overslept; the second we both had second thoughts about how smart it would be. i need to stop talking to that guy, he brings out a really raunchy side of me. when he found out i was in town, he said i had to come see him. he asked, "so... are we just gonna hang out, or...?" "well," i replied, "i was thinking i'd come down and have sex with you." "ok." he said. "i guess we could do that." for a "straight" guy, he agrees to messing around with guy pretty quickly.

i think i'm about done messing around with random guys. there are 2 guys i have my eye on right now that i know and am attracted to and am pretty sure are in the closet. other than that, i'm going to try to lay low. i got a text today from one of my hookups that started with "slurp!" who the fuck starts a message like that?! i'll tell you: an annoying queen, that's who. i'm over those kind of gays; it's no wonder gays are known for being so spiteful and distrusting of one another...

dad and i had lunch today. i think my parents suspect something, and i just want to say, "yes, it is what you think, thanks for NOT helping me for 8 years now and being too scared to care. thanks for putting off trying to help me for the past 7 months after my breakdown." why now? what changed that suddenly they're so concerned about me? what about when i sobbed uncontrollably for 2 hours in their arms and told them something was very wrong? what about when i wrote the lengthy letter detailing what they could do to help? no. they wait almost 8 months until after the 'damage' is done and then suddenly are there. dad tried to help today, he really did, but he can't even bring himself to say the word "gay" or "homosexual." i feel sorry for them, which is why it's better they don't know.

there are answers i want so badly right now. i just don't want to ask the questions. i know really where things are headed, i'm just unwilling to face most of that future. things are crashing in a lot of ways, and once again i feel isolated, alone, and confused. i want so much to be able to focus on other things, like school. the past few months would make a great novel or slow-paced movie, but i'm ready for it to be over. i want a new chapter to start.

i think i've officially gone gay... i'm listening to cher, watching will & grace, despising ugly people, obsessing about my looks and clothes, and 15 year old black kids are asking if i'm in the closet. ::attempts to slam the closet door shut and scuttle further into the depths of the darkness that is the sneaker-and-clothes-and-gays receptacle:: i haven't even been acting flamboyant, but someone used that word to describe me. i'm not sure there's anything i can do at this point.

i by-passed a really good "pay it forward" opportunity today... could have paid for a guy's test @ the clinic today, it was just 20 bucks. but i was shy and nervous, and he said he would just come back tomorrow and pay for it, he didn't have his wallet on him. (which begs the question why was he driving? but that's beside the point.) he was CUTE too! i am kicking myself for that one. i resolve to start taking chances, to go with my gut more, to stop thinking things to death, and just go with it. that could have a been a great experience. the next one might be too, but at least this time i'll know.

there's not much else to write, although my life has been exciting lately. just enjoying the summer, basking in the joy of the life of a professional student. going to see the guy i've been waiting for 5 months to meet next week... words cannot describe how excited i am. almost half a year! and what a half-year it's been.

"this is different kind of love song/dedicated to everyone"

the new york story will be coming up soon, i still only have the rough draft, which needs work, but i figured i'd get it off my computer.

the boy and the butterfly

sunny day in the park. rolling green hills around. rollicking children at play. shouts and thrilled screams emanate in all directions.

one little wide-eyed boy suddenly stops. winged magic flutters by him, carried by paper-thin wings and a gentle breeze.

intrigued, the boy follows, fascinated by the lightness of the creature's travel, the brilliant colors, the beating of the wings. the butterfly, nonplussed, continues on its journey. finding he cannot keep up with the beautiful thing, the boy begins to trot, eyes fixed on the radiant wings.

this cycle continues for a short while, the boy and the butterfly alternately increasing his own pace. the boy is running, hands eagerly outstretched in an attempt to capture the regal creature that, but for the change in speed, almost seems to be ignoring him.

finally, after a few minutes of zig-zag paths and stop-and-go pursuit, the boy catches the lovely. (or perhaps it allowed the boy to grasp it in his stubby hands. one can never be sure.) in breathless wonder, the boy slowly opens his clasped hands. what his little fingers reveal is completely worth the avid chase--the butterfly is just as perfect, just as magnificent, just as calm in his hands as it was in the air. the butterfly breezily opens and shuts its wings, displaying its underside and topside to the boy, as if putting on a show.

the boy is enraptured, completely engrossed in the beauty of the tiny creature cradled in his palm. for a moment, his world is wrapped up in this insect that he quite abruptly loves and somehow feels loves him in return. despite the butterfly's imperious stance, its devastating beauty, and rapturing beauty, there must have been a reason it flew low enough and slow enough to allow the boy to snatch is from its lofty perch on the wind.

yes, it must have been love...

with a flap of its wings, the butterfly is airborne. soaring, floating, it is quickly above the treeline. the little boy stands motionless, silent, hands still cupped around the memory of the most beautiful thing in his little world. a tiny tear escapes his eye... but a smile spreads across his face, because for a moment, that creature was in his hands, and it loved him back, loved him enough to be held quietly and be adored for the beauty it was.

moments later, the happiest boy in the world was back on the swing set, legs pumping, reaching new heights and thinking maybe, just maybe, he might one day fly after that beautiful thing...

maybe.

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ending the experiment

i really am a happy individual. these past few months have taken a toll on me, though. i am not happy with myself. there is no one else to blame when it comes down to it. don't get me wrong, there is very little i enjoy more than having my lips pressed against another man's, wrapping my arms around him, and feeling his warm body on mine. trust me. it's been an adventure, but at the same time it's been a total nightmare.

i have a condition. perhaps it's what people in nathaniel hawthorn's time referred to as "animal magnetism." perhaps it's what my siblings and i refer to as... well, replace the word "fly" with "freak" in "fly paper" and you'll see what i mean. either way, i seem to have the ability to attract the strangest people [whom i generally loathe] and repel the ones i adore. [the latter condition is most likely because i tend to smother.] every guy i have made out with was "not right" for me for one reason or another. usually it was because i discovered how much of a oddity they were a little too late. i feel like the patron saint of making out.

i'm a two-hit wonder. i have never been with a guy more than twice. (technically, i was with the one guy 3 times, but the first time was a brief make-out session.) i seem to hit my limit quickly. i can't take the physical contact without the intimacy. and also, they're usually scary-weird. also, the smells and such are a deterant.

i've pretty much decided to cut off communication with all of them. it's not going to be an easy thing for a "yes man" like me. but the experiment is over. i don't like this lifestyle, it's miserable. i want a "sure thing," or at least someone i'm attached to. is that too much to ask? i just want to be intimate with someone i actually like.

hopefully, i'll get my happiness back soon. i've spent entirely too much time and energy pursuing these guys that, in the end, were needy, desperate, and unfortunately unloved. [what does that say about me?] it's time to get back to what i do best...