more thoughts on my life

i have so much i want to write about.

i think i'm done with random guys. the problem is the guys i want to be with are totally straight. i don't know how to explain to them i'm not 100% gay, i'm just trying out something new. i think some of them would be ok with that.

i hate that this relationship thing has become my obsession of late. i need to slow down, prioritize, stop being such a whore, focus on studying. the physical intimacy is something i desperately crave, though, even in its artificial form. there seems to be no happy medium for me, unfortunately.

another idiot stopped texting me tonight. plans were to meet up, and then BOOM. nothing. not sure what happened. pisses me off. and he's not even gay, supposedly, but i doubt that now. certainly acts fickle enough to be one.

i seem to be a two-hit wonder. i make out/mess around with a guy twice, and i'm done. and they don't seem to mind either, with the exception of the first guy, who is desperate and clingy. gross.

i had a dream last night. i got a call from my mom that my "leech" [who i got rid off a few weeks ago] was dying. i didn't believe it. she always exaggerates things. i called her [in my dream] and she sounded sick. i actually started in care [in my dream] and was concerned. i started thinking how i could drive the 5 hours to see her (the doctors in the dream gave her 9 hours max to live). and then i woke up. don't know what it meant, but it seems i can't NOT care. i knew that, i guess.

there are 3 girls who live 2 states away that either want to date me or i want to date them right now. that, my friends, is unfortunate, and frustrating.

there is one man who i have become very comfortable with in my head. i'm past the obsessed stage, settled pretty well into the best friend/lover zone. because i'm me, i still worry and fret about how i treat him and how he'll react to what i say and do, but i'm learning to trust that our friendship is strong enough to handle my ups and downs. less than 2 months til we meet... i've never been so excited about anything in my life.

i need to make my posts shorter. they seem to ramble on a lot.

more stuff soon, maybe even tonight.

EDIT: so our new roommate moved in night before last. i never met him before that, so i was and am a little apprehensive. he's chinese, which [just putting this out there] is a strike against him because of clingy first guy (who was chinese). i'm still not sure how i feel about him and his speech patterns and such, but i'll tell you this much:
1) i am not driving his ass everywhere,
2) i am not going to be concerned that he has like 1/2" of space in his room b/c he has a huge desk and queen mattress, and
3) if he is going to eat up bandwidth the way he has been the last two nights... i don't know what, but this is not gonna fly at all. no webpages will load at all when he's doing whatever it is he does... watching sports games live on-line or talking to his gf in china. (that's another thing that gets me, why does he have a queen bed? she lives in china, and won't be here for another year. pointless. i realized how disadvantaged i am when i shared my single bed with drag-queen man... although we were pretty comfortable and snug.)

end edit

Britney Spears is the soundtrack to my life

a few things are in order for this post:

-my first love is getting married, possibly this weekend. she still breaks my heart every time i see her. i could honestly have been happy with her for the rest of my life, if not for the fact that she couldn't see it one beautiful night. oh well... she wouldn't like me now anyway.

-so many things are happening, and i'm usually one to kiss and tell... so i won't break that tradition. [yet.] i don't write erotica very well, and frankly, my experiences hardly merit the term "erotic." at this point, i'm not sure how i feel about what has happened, although it has been fun, and good [mostly]. no regrets. just taking it one day and one man at a time... i think i'm a slut, by the way, and the guy i was with last night informed me i'm going to be a "big ol' bottom." awesome. i consider myself "versatile" but it doesn't matter since i'm still an anal virgin, top or bottom. i am remaining completely detached from the guys i encounter (3 in person so far this month) which (and this is going to sound mean) is much easier than I thought. physically, i'm only slightly attracted to one, and it's just because he has good hygiene, smooth skin, and a decent face. [that's all i'll say for now.]

-my experiences have got me thinking about a few things. first is the matter of gay social networking. in a word: it sucks. [it doesn't help that the gays don't come out until after 2 am.] especially in my area. but more to the point: it really wouldn't if there was such a HUGE stigma associated with being gay, or even bi. there needs to be new rules written for this stuff. ideally, once a guy or girl reaches sexual maturity, they should be allowed a period of time to try things out, see what they like, and everyone just stays open-minded about it their whole life. no one hates or despises anyone just because of who they find attractive. being bi would be seen as normal. [personally, i believe it's the best way to be.] hitting on anyone you wanted would be just as ordinary as a guy asking a girl out, complete with the nervousness and sweaty palms and the hand-written love notes stuck where the object of affection could find it.

my point is, basically, that as long as we have distinctions of "in" and "out," men who are attracted to or curious about men will have a hard time fulfilling their desires in a reasonable, safe, and easy way.

-the next thought is this: there is a huge difference in the way "hot" people act and the way "ugly" or "plain" people act when it comes to getting someone's attention and affection. one is the chased; one is the chaser. [this does not only apply to physical appearance; however, it's the best way to illustrate the point.] the chaser finds himself the object of no one's attention/affection, and thus begins to seek out someone who will love them. the chased, on the other hand, becomes so accustomed to everyone fawning on them, showering them with love and attention [real or feigned] that they no longer respond to it noticeably. instead, they have the luxury of deciding who they will bless with their smile, their time, their attention, their love.

every once in a while, though, the chaser get tired, and annoyed, and sees their plight. is it really love if you have to chase after it and make sure it stays and worry that it will go away? no. and so the chaser stops chasing and becomes content as they are and where they are. no more obsessing, no more phone calls and texts and e-mails and messages to the ones they desire. they sit back and wait to see who will actually take the time to come after them.

i consider myself a chaser. i am constantly pursuing relationships, running after people, dragging the slightest hint of affection out of people around me. i am the one who makes the first move, who keeps in touch, who pursues a friend in any way possible. i may not be ugly, but i am not really good-looking either, IMHO. i'm an ordinary guy. but i can love better than most, and i have come to realize how little people appreciate and value that. so, i have, over the course of months to years, slowly been withdrawing myself from that lifestyle. no more of this silly chasing crap. i will wait. i do not need to be the chased; i just want someone to come along, sit down with me, and hold my hand, and not worry about who is chasing whom. [i think the fact that i am the chaser has made me a complete whore this past month... if someone says "yes" i'll jump at the chance for affection. also, the fact that i have not developed standards for who i make out with yet is a problem.]

-masculine vs. feminine. boy, this one has me BOILING these days. i know there are 51 flavors of gay out there. i know the one that is despised by all is the stereotype: limp-wristed, flamboyant, effeminate, lisps his words, talks loudly and is easily offended and ready to fight at the drop of a hat... you know who i'm talking about, and i see facial expressions and hear intonation of voices that are trademark to this brand of gay. i am like most, and this kind of guy gets on my nerves very very easily. there is then the opposite end of the spectrum, the masculine gay guy. we all know him too--he blends in with the gym rats and athletes and lumberjacks and business suits, and the thought never crosses anyone's mind that he could possibly be gay. and then there are guys like me, stuck in the middle, and everyone questions his sexuality, and he is repulsed by the first kind of gay, and envious of the latter.

now.

if you are one or the other, or somewhere CLOSE to being one or the other, don't you think you would know it? unfortunately, the answer is no, the former sometimes is CLUELESS to the fact they ooze glitter and rainbows and pride parades. this person irks me more than the flam-boy-ant one who knows who he is. if you do the finger wag, have the speech pattern down, call people "honey" regardless of gender, and do the "mmm-mmm" thing...

hate to burst your bubble, but you're a flaming queer. get over it, it's who you are, embrace it. you're not masculine, that term is reserved for men who actually still resemble men and the characteristic qualities that are inherently male. if you ARE straight and act like this, don't offended when people question your sexuality, you exude queerishness.

also, twinks turn me off. brent corrigan disgusts me.

and finally...

-britney spears is the soundtrack to my life.
[lyrics to be posted at a later date.]

some randos

-it's a bad idea to have your sexual awakening during finals week of med school.

-i feel like going up and hugging skinny chicks who sleep with obese guys and saying, "oh honey, i know how you feel, bless your heart."

but that might get awkward.

-there seems like no better time to watch entire seasons of a new show that catches your fancy than the day before your last final. absolutely no motivation to do jack squat.

-i think i've been imprinted. i'll explain that sometime. but suffice to say a certain reader of this blog has his voice and face burned forever into my mind, and that does things to me. wonderful things. =)

a word...

...on straight porn, from the perspective of the somewhat-objective male:

being 'bi' and all that means that i tend to watch both gay and straight porn. straight porn is weird. while both kinds of porn are directed primarily at men, straight porn is different. here are some things i've noticed:

-obviously, it's directed at straight men. or maybe bi men too. whatever the case, if you're watching straight porn, you're mostly watching it for the ladies, right? then why on earth do they still have guys on there with monstrous cocks who could just as easily be huge in the gay porn scene? for some reason, it just seems odd that you would need to have a hot guy to do straight porn.

-i'm going to contradict myself now. i get frustrated with straight porn because it seems that the directors intentionally hide as much of the male actors as possible. you see abs-down BJs. you see the insertion and the thrusting, but not much more. you see the girl sitting on the guy, her back to him, so that you see her whole body and face and the penetration, but not his face, abs, chest, etc. and then you see girls bent and twisted into gymnastic positions so that both their face and va-jay-jay/anus are showing, with as much breast camera-time as possible. i know the director does it so the viewer can cut-n-paste himself into the man's position, but for people like me [the objective male] i don't see why you have to cut out the male beauty in the scene. i look forward to seeing both the girl and the guy when i watch straight porn, and it's kind of a turn off to not be able to see HIS reactions. in gay porn, there are no qualms about showing every inch of both guys. not the case in straight porn. (same goes for threesome, which are blazingly hot. you see two cocks, one va-jay-jay, one anus, and one face.

-what the hell is she-male porn?!

-it's odd watching a guy and girl do it and only seeing one money shot. i'm so used to their being two in gay porn that when the guy is done, i expect the girl to DO something... it never happens.

hope you all enjoyed my little observations about porn. hopeully more pics to come soon, there are a few other models/porn stars that get me every time.

Beauty May Be Only Skin Deep...

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looking for love in all the wrong places... and loving it.

it's a hard thing when you realize you might be the most evil human on the planet. of course, once you get over the initial shock, your apathy towards all things moral and a complete lack of conscience kick in and you don't care anymore. i felt like such a monster last night, but it felt so good too... toying with another human--who admittedly deserved it, conniving bastard--screwing with their emotions, it all felt so incredibly powerful and terrible and satisfying all at once. i felt like i knew every cog and wheel in his head, and could turn him any way i wanted to. he tried so hard to come out on top, seem smart, on top of it, witty... and in the end he was blown utterly away.

it's been a long, long time since i destroyed someone so well.

there is something stirring within me, something cold and wild and dangerous. its awakening marks the beginning of an awful, brilliant new era of my life. i am new, i am reborn. i am capable of everything--even love--and regret nothing. beware, unsuspecting world, a passionate force has been unleashed upon you and your puny denizens.

*********

they say love is blind. it probably is. i realized today that what i called blind love was not really blind, so it may not have been love. i often claim to love indiscriminately. that is false. i do not. i love when it's easy, convenient, and completely rewarding in some way to me. i love when i feel i am somehow saving someone, when it will make me seem great and kind and needed to someone. there are people i have loved that believe i am the greatest gift God ever dropped from His bountiful heaven. they are, obviously, wrong. i don't describe myself this way because i am conceited; no, i am merely listening to both sides of my mind these days, letting the cool, calculated voice of reason and obviousness blend with the whispering tones of intuition. i know things now that i never knew before. i sense things about people, and about myself. i know how i love, and how people feel about my love.

i, like most gay/bi men, have always been surrounded by fat girls. if you take offense to me calling them that, fuck off, it's what they are, and they always flock to gay men. it's elementary why: like most girls, they need a man to fill that penis-shaped void in their life, but they are rejected by the greater mass of manhood that listen more to their smaller head and biological imperative than any shred of kindness and humanity that their larger head [or heart] possesses. so these larger women [usually emotional, loud, controlling, and dramatic] are drawn to the men that accept them: the ones that they already know are not going to be attracted to them anyway, or at least the ones who are kind to them. [on a side note, nice/gay/bi guys like me find it hard to have a meaningful relationship with a hot chick because they are so used to people being nice to them because of their looks that the only thing that gets their attention is an asshole. we've all seen it.] i find that most gays are kind to fat chicks because a) they have no reason not to be, and b) they feel empathy for them because of their outcast state. this has all become painfully clear to me, although it was clear enough 4 years ago, but now i realize just how much i hate these "fag hags" or "fruit flies," whichever they are. they drive me nuts with their unrelenting neediness and stalkeresque attention, their endless sob stories and their sudden mood swings. [it's the hormones.] my own personal fat chick is about to get cunt punted... i am going to see her next week, and will have to try my best not to strangle her. [figuratively, i am the typical passive-aggressive push-over, wouldn't hurt a soul.] i have a hard time dismissing extraneous humans from my life.

the point [there is one] is that i have at times said i love these creatures that swarm around me like a cloud of locusts. i do not. i think it's more akin to pity than affection that i feel for them. in my mind, i still am kind to them IN SPITE of the fact that i know they are despicable. however, i am still aware of their unattractiveness, their annoying nature, and their complete and utter uselessness to me. that, gentlemen, is not love. i am not blind to their nature. instead, i see it all too well, and choose to look away and pretend to enjoy their existence. the very fact that i acknowledge fault with them shows that i am not blind.

the same is currently true of the men i am talking to/experimenting with. i have yet to encounter a truly attractive man that will throw himself at me. i think what attractive men have learned is to make themselves practically inaccessable to all but a select few, and let themselves be chased. it takes a lot less energy and time to do so. the ugly, however, are not so blessed. they must chase and seek and snatch at every chance they get. i apparently am easy pickings for the bottom of the barrel. i hope these boy enjoy my short time of youthful ignorance; i am not going to be here long. again, i am not blind to their faults at ALL, and am almost scornful of the very men i do the most intimate things with, things that passionate lovers would be quick to duplicate. i honestly think st. peter will let me pass through the pearly gates because, even though i was participating in an abominable sin, i was 'loving' the unlovable, doing for them what no one else would, and that, in my mind, balances the universe out nicely.

in reality, outside of my family, i have only truly loved 2 men. there have been many i have loved because it was so damn easy. there are 2, however, that i loved whole-heartedly, that i knew loved me back, and that i know i will love forever. that may be my only redeeming quality in this life; that i found i could actually LOVE--not "i loved him even though he was annoying/ugly/etc." but "i loved him, will always love him, and would die for him in a heartbeat." my soul finds peace in this thought, that i loved unconditionally.

i am not completely gone... i still have a heart. it is hardened, and stubborn, and rebellious, and callous. but it still bleeds hot, red blood, and it still beats for love unconquerable.

someday i will find love for good... and never let the slippery bastard go.

just for fun

this is me on life...

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i have had no caffeine today. this is the highest level you can 'achieve' on this meter... not very accurate, i'd say. or i produce my own caffeine.