Britney Spears is the soundtrack to my life

a few things are in order for this post:

-my first love is getting married, possibly this weekend. she still breaks my heart every time i see her. i could honestly have been happy with her for the rest of my life, if not for the fact that she couldn't see it one beautiful night. oh well... she wouldn't like me now anyway.

-so many things are happening, and i'm usually one to kiss and tell... so i won't break that tradition. [yet.] i don't write erotica very well, and frankly, my experiences hardly merit the term "erotic." at this point, i'm not sure how i feel about what has happened, although it has been fun, and good [mostly]. no regrets. just taking it one day and one man at a time... i think i'm a slut, by the way, and the guy i was with last night informed me i'm going to be a "big ol' bottom." awesome. i consider myself "versatile" but it doesn't matter since i'm still an anal virgin, top or bottom. i am remaining completely detached from the guys i encounter (3 in person so far this month) which (and this is going to sound mean) is much easier than I thought. physically, i'm only slightly attracted to one, and it's just because he has good hygiene, smooth skin, and a decent face. [that's all i'll say for now.]

-my experiences have got me thinking about a few things. first is the matter of gay social networking. in a word: it sucks. [it doesn't help that the gays don't come out until after 2 am.] especially in my area. but more to the point: it really wouldn't if there was such a HUGE stigma associated with being gay, or even bi. there needs to be new rules written for this stuff. ideally, once a guy or girl reaches sexual maturity, they should be allowed a period of time to try things out, see what they like, and everyone just stays open-minded about it their whole life. no one hates or despises anyone just because of who they find attractive. being bi would be seen as normal. [personally, i believe it's the best way to be.] hitting on anyone you wanted would be just as ordinary as a guy asking a girl out, complete with the nervousness and sweaty palms and the hand-written love notes stuck where the object of affection could find it.

my point is, basically, that as long as we have distinctions of "in" and "out," men who are attracted to or curious about men will have a hard time fulfilling their desires in a reasonable, safe, and easy way.

-the next thought is this: there is a huge difference in the way "hot" people act and the way "ugly" or "plain" people act when it comes to getting someone's attention and affection. one is the chased; one is the chaser. [this does not only apply to physical appearance; however, it's the best way to illustrate the point.] the chaser finds himself the object of no one's attention/affection, and thus begins to seek out someone who will love them. the chased, on the other hand, becomes so accustomed to everyone fawning on them, showering them with love and attention [real or feigned] that they no longer respond to it noticeably. instead, they have the luxury of deciding who they will bless with their smile, their time, their attention, their love.

every once in a while, though, the chaser get tired, and annoyed, and sees their plight. is it really love if you have to chase after it and make sure it stays and worry that it will go away? no. and so the chaser stops chasing and becomes content as they are and where they are. no more obsessing, no more phone calls and texts and e-mails and messages to the ones they desire. they sit back and wait to see who will actually take the time to come after them.

i consider myself a chaser. i am constantly pursuing relationships, running after people, dragging the slightest hint of affection out of people around me. i am the one who makes the first move, who keeps in touch, who pursues a friend in any way possible. i may not be ugly, but i am not really good-looking either, IMHO. i'm an ordinary guy. but i can love better than most, and i have come to realize how little people appreciate and value that. so, i have, over the course of months to years, slowly been withdrawing myself from that lifestyle. no more of this silly chasing crap. i will wait. i do not need to be the chased; i just want someone to come along, sit down with me, and hold my hand, and not worry about who is chasing whom. [i think the fact that i am the chaser has made me a complete whore this past month... if someone says "yes" i'll jump at the chance for affection. also, the fact that i have not developed standards for who i make out with yet is a problem.]

-masculine vs. feminine. boy, this one has me BOILING these days. i know there are 51 flavors of gay out there. i know the one that is despised by all is the stereotype: limp-wristed, flamboyant, effeminate, lisps his words, talks loudly and is easily offended and ready to fight at the drop of a hat... you know who i'm talking about, and i see facial expressions and hear intonation of voices that are trademark to this brand of gay. i am like most, and this kind of guy gets on my nerves very very easily. there is then the opposite end of the spectrum, the masculine gay guy. we all know him too--he blends in with the gym rats and athletes and lumberjacks and business suits, and the thought never crosses anyone's mind that he could possibly be gay. and then there are guys like me, stuck in the middle, and everyone questions his sexuality, and he is repulsed by the first kind of gay, and envious of the latter.

now.

if you are one or the other, or somewhere CLOSE to being one or the other, don't you think you would know it? unfortunately, the answer is no, the former sometimes is CLUELESS to the fact they ooze glitter and rainbows and pride parades. this person irks me more than the flam-boy-ant one who knows who he is. if you do the finger wag, have the speech pattern down, call people "honey" regardless of gender, and do the "mmm-mmm" thing...

hate to burst your bubble, but you're a flaming queer. get over it, it's who you are, embrace it. you're not masculine, that term is reserved for men who actually still resemble men and the characteristic qualities that are inherently male. if you ARE straight and act like this, don't offended when people question your sexuality, you exude queerishness.

also, twinks turn me off. brent corrigan disgusts me.

and finally...

-britney spears is the soundtrack to my life.
[lyrics to be posted at a later date.]