Sunday, March 8, 2009

my prop 8 rant

ok, so this is more of a broader rant than just about prop 8. prop 8 is, of course, the issue at hand these days as far as [californian] legislation goes. take a step back with me, though, and let's look at the bigger picture. why would ANYONE be against gay marriage? gays aren't, obviously. it really shouldn't affect straight people either. this is similar to an argument i had with my mentor a few months ago: does a person's attitude toward, stance or beliefs on an issue change that issue? no. just because gays wanted to be married doesn't mean that a straight marriage is now a lesser thing. it's still MARRIAGE. they are in a gay marriage; you are in a straight marriage. the fact that they are married does not change the fact that YOU are married, and it does not change your beliefs about marriage.

i personally believe that religous folks should be for gay marriage. after all, there's already domestic partnerships. those folks are an inch away from marriage. there's the stereotypical hedonistic, promiscuous gay lifestyle that marriage may end for some couples. religious folks should be happy about that. besides, the divorce rate for straight folks is so high it's hard to take them seriously when it comes to marriage. (rumor has it divorce rates are higher within the church than without... just sayin'.)
one of the arguments raised by those in favor of Prop 8 is that it 'protects our children.' are we really that concerned, Cali? do you actually know what is going on in your kids' lives? kids are having sex at unbelievably young ages, experimenting with drugs and alcohol at the same time, maybe even sooner, and getting involved in all kinds of great stuff that you probably wouldn't approve of either. whether they are taught that gays have the right to marry or not, they still are going to make their mate choice on their own when they're ready. as it stands, Cali teaches that man-woman pairings are "marriage" and man-man/woman-woman pairings are not. yet there's san fran, the gayest city in the world. if anything, teaching that gay marriage is OK might help kids come to grips with others'--or their own--sexuality, and discourage abuse of gays in the school. (abuse of gays in the rest of the world is another story.)
whether you believe homosexuality is a good lifestyle or not, you have to concede that it's there, and there to stay. i seriously thought we could socially evolve beyond this years ago; seems not. there is an ideal world, where people aren't hated or mistreated for their race, gender, or orientation. it's not this world.
this was not a coherent post, i apologize. i just needed to get it off my chest. thanks.

and, in celebration of love between men, and in protest of Prop 8:




















*photos property of http://www.bouska.net/. they're not mine. is that enough to keep me out of legal hot water?

Saturday, March 7, 2009

heat wave

this week, we had a snow day. i didn't romp much in the snow, not a cold weather person. i threw some snowballs, though, hit my running teacher toward the end of a 4 mile run, and she chased me down, made me sprint for a good 100 yards... or something, i'm terrible with distances. i wrote my teddy bear a message in the snow, sent it to him. it was fun.

and then TODAY... i couldn't drive without the windows down. glorious weather. hot, actually. so weird. and here i am, stuck studying for a test i really don't want to take... well, that's pretty much all of them.

i was enchanted last night. went to the monthly thing for kids with special needs, and the girl that can hardly see or walk sang again. she looks odd to most people, with her eyes that stare at anything but you, her thick fingers that suddenly come to a point, and spastic gait. but she thinks smoothly, and has a crystal clear voice. she sang us an italian aria, and it was unbelievable. i almost cried. she's only 15, looks 11, and has the voice of an angel. she says she taught herself.

this year has been a huge learning experience for me so far. i'm learning what i like, what i want, and what i don't. i'm learning how to be me in new relationships, and trying not to be annoying in most of them. i'm definitely overbearing, smothering at times. it's the "flipside" of my good characteristics. i'm learning also how passionate i am, and how beautiful the world really is... even though i already knew the latter. the girl last night, the little boy last week, the snow and the sun this week, and, of course, my teddy bear have all shown me little glimpses of how amazing things are in my life and how i need to enjoy them more. i do enjoy my life, really, but i always need to reminder.

more interesting stuff soon... after exams, maybe.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

tuesday's child

it was a deep day.

the snow had melted a bit yesterday, and then completely refroze last night while the town slept. because (idiot that i am) i did not clean off my car, i spent over a half hour scraping the snow (read: ice) from it this morning. i didn't mind--a neighbor lady walked by, smiled at me, and said, "good morning!" i had shyly glanced away when i first saw her, but looked back when i realized she hadn't turned away. "good morning," i awkwardly returned. i know none of my neighbors. not a single one. she was the first interaction i've had since moving here in november. felt good. felt new.

my buddy called me today. i sent him a gift--ordered it for him, really, had it sent to him. he didn't know. he was very thankful, he loved it. i haven't done something nice for someone like that for while. felt good. felt familiar.

a married student brought her husband and two little boys to the cook-off tonight at school. at one point, the younger, red-headed one came running across the ambulatory with a cry of "Mooooommmeeeeee!!!!" and wrapped his little arms around her knees. i instantly had a lump in my throat, and had to look away. my paternal instinct kicked in--hard. i want a child so badly. i want to be a father. i want to fall in love with someone, a girl, and create a little life of our own. it's one of the biggest things keeping me bi-curious or whatever stupid label you want to slap on me. that, and i kinda like girls. seeing that little boy so excited to see his mom--whom he had seen not 5 minutes before--made me feel such a strong longing in my chest. felt good. felt heart-wrenching.

i danced my heart out on a popular dance game tonight. i danced beside a good-looking second year student on the same song a few times before the real gaming started. we connected on a certain level. i was better than he was on that song, but he ended up beating me when it mattered... and everyone else, for that matter. but it was fun, dancing with a good looking older guy, laughing about it, making fools of ourselves and not caring. felt good. felt free.

my replacement in the old house was around today. i rarely see him. he's quiet, withdrawn, but very friendly. gentle. attractive, in a way. not hot by most standards. but i was worked up from dancing, across the room from him, and started doing some stupid dance moves in his direction, moving my hips and shaking my arms. to my surprise, he grinned--he has great teeth--and danced back at me. i was instantly attracted to him 10x more than i had been 2 seconds before. he could move! and how! his hips and thighs were smooth in their movements, playful. i couldn't believe it. quiet boy is a dancer! we did it again later, and he loved it. we talked about going dancing sometime--there isn't many places to go around here. maybe it will never happen. but it was fun doing that with him, made me see him in a whole new light. felt good. felt flirtatious.

it was a good day. we also had 7 classes. 7 hours of class in one day=14-21 hours of study outside of school. awesome. i didn't need a life, really.

in re: to any eyebrows being raised over my gushy words of prose and anything i say about the man i love: shove it. i express myself in really, really emotional language. it's who i am. i'm overly nice sometimes, but it's how i function. someday i'll post about personalities and stuff like that. but for now, understand that's me, that's how i do, and i know some people think it's overkill. i just don't give a damn.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

just some randos

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Thursday, February 26, 2009

rants

first topic: snitches.



not sure where i stand on this one, really, but i'd like to bring attention to two old-news snitches that have very similar MO's. first up is Jose Canseco. after his tell-all book "juiced," the baseball-and-steroids story came to the spotlight. it's obviously still going, what with A-Rod's confession and 'roid-dealing cousin.



according to this article, Canseco broke one of the unspoken (ok, it's actually spoken) rules of the clubhouse: what you see here STAYS HERE. the clubhouse obviously isn't vegas, but there is still that expectation that if you step into the territory, you accept what is in the territory, like it or not.



the second is Mike Jones, a man with a very unassuming name for an escort. while not the only professional sex worker to expose one of his high-profile clients, Jones is an interesting case. most scandals we hear about involve political figures with extramarital proclivities. Jones had the unpleasant task of bringing down a prominent pastor. that's i'll say about that story, except to say Mike Jones must have been one good-looking son-of-a-gun back in his day, because he's still an attractive man. (irrelevance abounds... my apologies.)



obviously, what these two whistle-blowers have in common is the fact that they went against a strict rule of their profession: you don't talk about what happens behind closed doors. i know Jones, at least, faced persecution and rejection from both the gay escort community and the Christian conservative camp. i'm not well read on Canseco. i'm sure he's dealt with much of the same. here you have two guys doing what they think is "right," and finding no one who really agrees with them. most people only care about what they have to say because it's dirty gossip. (and we all know how much both the Christian right and the gay left LOVE dirty gossip.)



the question(s) is/are this: was it worth it? and was it actually the right thing to do? in Canseco's case, wow, that snowballed. President Obama, bless his rambling heart, even talked about A-Rod in some speech i saw him give on TV. (actually, it's one of the only things i remember him talking about ever, i don't pay much attention to a man once the majority likes him and elects him president. wasn't he the guy who took creative liberties with Chavez's/the United Farm Worker's slogan "Si Se Puede," except in english?) Jones, on the other hand, probably hasn't had a minute's peace since he first mentioned his relationship with Ted Haggard. is it worth it now to him? he's going after one man; Canseco brought down a bunch, and there's still more heads rolling.



the second question is hard to answer. was it the right thing FOR THEM to do? probably. for crying out loud, Mike Jones' book is called "I Had To Say Something," a testament to the fact that, in his mind, something needed to be set right. i whole-heartedly support the notion of making things right. however, the way he did it... maybe not so great. Canseco? same thing. i believe they both were right to listen to what their innards were telling them. the way they did it is debatable.



now, was it RIGHT for them to break that rule? i don't know. i'm inclined to side with people who say, "hey, if you can't roll with the rules of the game, don't play." however, i think someone should raise this question: are those good rules to have in place? for the escort business, i'm sure a lot of spouses/parishioners/citizens would love to know what their husband/wife/pastor/priest/congressman has been doing with who and where. maybe it's best we all don't know all those dirty details. maybe it would be better. we'd have a clearer picture of the dark reality of who these people we trust are. for the baseball world, no, that is not a good rule. i hate the sports industry passionately. it's ridiculous that people who can manipulate objects and move their bodies a certain way are paid MILLIONS. it's shameful that millions of Americans (men and women) watch their TVs (or sit in a stadium) with all the devoted attention of a spectator of the gladiator fights. because, deep down, that's really what sports are: a nicer way to enjoy the brutal sport of death and pain. obviously, the pressure to perform is enormous; otherwise, there would not be "performance enhancing drugs" out there. and we, the spectators, create this little world of drugs, pain, lies, cheating, underhanded dealings, and destroyed humans. at what cost? i can't begin to fathom. so yes. i advocate the return of the unadulterated human flesh to the sports arena. let the body show what it can do, not what muscle-altering, life-sapping drugs can create. i applaud Canseco for breaking the rules; Jones did what he felt was right, and in the end, that's all most of us do anyway. you can't blame him. he just shouldn't have been an escort.



(see, two rants for the price of one!)



second: (and really, last, because i'm out of rants after this... although i didn't see that sports rant coming... maybe i'll rip on politics. i was a little tipsy when Obama won the election, though, so i guess that shows how much i give a rat's-arse about politics.) the chair.





you know what that is, right? yep, that's the effing TWENTY-EIGHT MILLION DOLLAR CHAIR. (image from here) holy moses. there are a FEW other things you could have bought for $28,000,000. like, a small country in Africa. or circuit city (or at least take care of their closing costs for a month).

seems this piece of crap belonged to Yves Saint Laurent. WHO?! seriously people. come on. mania is one thing. outright ludicrous stupidity is intolerable. why DO stupid people have that much money?

it is stories like this that make me wonder how the hell the human race survived more than a few weeks after inception. how are there several billion of us creeping around when we will do shit like this? economic crisis or not, dropping that much money on something is unforgivable. (seems that was not the biggest buy of the auction; however, it was on TV, and then i saw the web article, and blew a fuse.) this was, of course, at the infamous Christie's, and the sale took in over 200 million. wow. maybe that helped stimulate someone's economy. i hope so. the fact that we have poverty and starvation here in the good old US of A tells me, though, that we need to start learning how to survive--no, live--as a race. i don't even want to talk about the congressional hearing to help stimulate major corporations' pocketbooks while they "fly private jets" and take their VIPs on posh vacations. i worked in a restaurant that entertained VIPs, and trust me, it's a sickening thing to see people treated as higher life forms just because they know how do something like put money in someone's pocket. for crying out loud, learn what a BUDGET is, people.

can anyone FATHOM how much money 28 million dollars is? i just came back from *little Central American country*. let's say, for argument, that the 1.5 liter bottles we bought at the store there were 50 cents. (they were, i think.) yeah, you could buy 21 million liters of water with that. that's enough for about 3 liters of water for every human in *little Central American country that has a little more than 7 million people living in it*. and they don't all need water.

according to babycenter.org, it costs $418,702 to raise a child born in 2009 from 0 to 18 in a city in the NE making over $64,000/year as a two-parent home. you could RAISE 67 kids with 28 mil. NO JOKE.

and motherfucker went and bought a fucking chair.

good job, buddy, next time, give me a call, i could direct you to some dying kids that could use about 10 cents a day to live. no, really.

i think BSG/Adama raised a good question: does humanity deserve to be saved? do we deserve to survive? what the hell have we ever done to validate our existence in the cosmos?

nada, nothing, nil.

i'm done ranting and raving. i'm going to write an e-mail to the dean of the school asking her how i can help raise funds to help repair a little village clinic in *little Central American country with country clinic that fall to pieces*. just trying to make a dent in our cosmic debt.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

for my first true love

i'm in love.

with a boy.

one that i've never met.

one that loves me BACK.

i've never actually been in love. i've never even been in like. so being in love for the first time with someone hundreds of miles away is incredibly painful. i think since my heart belongs to him now, it's being stretched over all those miles, while still being attached to my chest. that's why i walk around all day with this ache in my ribcage, waiting to hear from him again. his letters and sweet words he says to and about me cripple me--my knees go weak, my heart skips a beat, i feel dizzy. never has someone had such power over me, and with only their words, no less.

i've waited so long for this... for someone to be my sun, my moon, my air, my water. i feel so lucky to be in love with someone i can't touch--i feel like i'm in love with the real person, with his soul.

now, i can't touch him... but i've seen him. and i can't believe how lucky i am to have found a man with a huge heart, great personality, and the looks of an angel. that smile... those eyes... he's a big guy, one of my favorite body types (great for strong arms and great hugs!), and has the most perfect facial structure--strong features, yet defined and clear-cut. be jealous, men and women of the world.

i really honestly thought i was alone in the world. my lover man has shattered that idea. i can't believe how much we have in common, how he's practically the same person. it's hard to describe him as my other half... i feel like we're two of the same half.

muri, my little hispanic buddy in undergrad, talked about the idea of a "naranjita," or "little orange." basically, the idea is that God makes everyone and then splits them in half and puts them in seperate bodies. each "half" of the whole "orange" (or person) is incomplete until they find their other half, their "naranjita." well, i don't know if i agree with that,

but

i do think i found something or someone i was missing for forever.

my "naranjito," i don't think i need to tell you how crazy i am about you. it's incredible that you return my love, that you ache for me too, that you get excited about my letters and phone calls, that you do special things for me because you want to make me smile (you "shower" me with surprises, lol). i go through my day and want to tell everyone about you, bring you up in conversation and say, "well, you know what my lover said to me yesterday..." or "you'll never guess what my baby did for me this time..." it kills me a little to keep you my not-so-dirty secret,

but

it makes me so alive to LOVE you.

my heart is yours, mi amor. i hope it's enough in return for your love, your beautiful heart, your words of affection.

until the day our fingers intertwine,

the day i wrap my arms around you and you hold me with your strength,

the day i lay my head on your chest and hear your magnificent heartbeat,

the day i taste your lips, experience your kiss, invade your mouth,

the day we drink wine and find Orion's belt together,

the day we lay in bed together until after lunch,

the day we laugh in the shower together while our clothes get drenched,

the day we sing at the top of our lungs while driving anywhere we want to go,

i'm all yours, heart, soul, body, mind.

you're my world, baby. i love you, my sweet, sweet teddy bear.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

you know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. --dr. seuss

love of mine... i dreamed of you
last night
i've been waiting for that for a long time
it was just like being with you
in our daytime
i didn't want it to end
i woke up
and was glad to know
it didn't have to
i am satisfied
that you are now the joy
of my waking hours
and my dreams